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I am the OM [UPDATED]


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I've been looking for a forum like this, seems like a good place to talk about things.

 

Five years ago, i joined a band. None of us knew each other before that, and there are three guys in the band including myself. Six months after we all met, myself and one of the other members' wives started talking. They got married 1 month after the band got together. Her and i started to really hit it off, we started being romantic. I didnt know if i wanted to stay in the band for long. We would see each other often, talk everyday on phone, text, FB message, KIK, all of that. i never let my emotions get involved. she would get super jealous if i even spoke to any girls at all. She has shown me nothing but the deepest love and care of anyone i have ever been with romantically. Still i did not let my heart get involved, although at times i asked myself, "why cant we be together if she obviously cares so much about me". I admit i would become jealous of him at times, but would never show it.

 

Fast forward to this past summer, the band went across the US on tour for a little over three weeks, and she came with us. Conversations got VERY deep between us, via text obviously cuz we were all stuck in a van for most of the time. Maybe it's because we couldn't truly be ourselves? At one point she asked me if i thought we were meant to be together, i replied yes. She also sent me a picture of johnny depp with a quote that read something like "If you love two people, pick the second cuz if you loved the first one, the second would not have happened" or something like that, with a message saying "i know now, its always been just you" Just like that, we were on the same page. She was being very short and cold to him as a result, and he sensed her pulling away.

When we got back she told him that she's no longer in love with him, they talked about selling the house, they are now separated, but still in the same house (this was almost three months ago.) He quit the band cuz he needed time away.

 

Since then, shes been hit with guilt, as am i, but i cant deny how i feel about her. I've not seen anyone else in the time that ive known her, and now i'm entangled because i've never been so in love with someone. Last week we tried to cut ties, and a day later we realized that we can't not talk. Now we are both in this position, we both want more, but she doesn't know how exactly to leave him. i know shes feeling bad lying about where shes going, and what shes doing. But i have to ask, do you stay with someone out of guilt or pity?

 

I know i'll get flamed for this, but just had to tell my story.

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Staying out of guilt or pity would be wrong both for her betrayed husband and for her. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

I'm not saying things will work out for the two of you (who knows?), but she owes it to her husband to end that relationship because she is no longer committed to it. Sounds like there are no kids involved? If no kids, then all the more reason to get that divorce. Yes, it will hurt her husband, but much worse if she were to stay with him for the wrong reasons. Imagine the nightmare when he eventually found out she had been unfaithful.

 

Her husband should have the opportunity to find the person for him who is truly committed to him and loves him selflessly. And she should move on for that reason and for her own happiness, rather than stay with someone she does not seem to love anymore and would doubtless grow to resent.

 

It's really not that messy to divorce without kids. Absolutely, vows have been broken, feelings irreparably changed - time to move on. The weakness of acceding to guilt would be the worst possible reason to stay longer.

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Honestly, it sounds like she is cake eating. Saying she wants to be with you while wrapped up in fantasy and excitement is one thing, doing it in reality is another.

 

Oh and that stupid azz comment from Johnny Depp, when does it stop? Dude is a high school dropout, a serial cheater and been married mulitple times, hardly a person to take relationship advice from.

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hey thanks for the replies, no kids, yeh just sharing my story, i know what i want, she wants it too, i know i should prob leave, if only for her to realize what life would truly be like without me, but just cant at the moment.

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whatatangledweb

No, you should never stay out of guilt or pity. You should only stay if you love the other person.

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Honestly, it sounds like she is cake eating. Saying she wants to be with you while wrapped up in fantasy and excitement is one thing, doing it in reality is another.

 

How so, when she's told her husband she's leaving him and they are selling their house? Sounds like the opposite of having your cake and eating it too. That would be telling the OM that she just... just can't leave her poor husband for reason 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - as MOM often do.

 

Women are much more likely to leave in this scenario. I think she probably will leave, particularly if she hears things that make sense from the OM. Whether they end up together is anyone's guess, but telling your spouse it's over, you don't love them anymore, you want a divorce and becoming separated (even if in-house, which due to financial constraints many, many people do now), is not having your cake and eating it too. It's eating the s&it cake that is telling your spouse you're getting divorced and taking steps in that process. Of course she feels guilty. She's told her husband she doesn't love him and wants a divorce. But it hasn't stopped her yet. How many stories on here are OW painfully waiting years for the MM to do just that?

 

And in fact, we know she's not lying about telling her husband she wants a divorce, because he was so upset he's taking a break from the band for that very reason. So she's taking action and moving toward divorce - she's serious about it. Whether it works out, whether it lasts - who knows - but those are not the actions of someone who is trying to have their cake and eat it too.

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This all started five years ago so that's a long time for it to be going on, but she has also been married to him for that long. I understand that breaking up is hard to do and that she does not like lying to him, but that has not stopped her from cheating on him for five years. You two may be meant to be or not, but she does need to unentangle herself before the two of you can find out, and I do think that you should give her some space and time to do what needs to be done. Your being there for her keeps things as is for her, and I think that she needs to experience your absence for awhile. No threats or anything to her, just a gentle, "Hey, I'll be here for you when we can pursue something legitimate - call me when that can happen." Or else, this could continue on for a possible another five years, you know?

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This all started five years ago so that's a long time for it to be going on, but she has also been married to him for that long. I understand that breaking up is hard to do and that she does not like lying to him, but that has not stopped her from cheating on him for five years. You two may be meant to be or not, but she does need to unentangle herself before the two of you can find out, and I do think that you should give her some space and time to do what needs to be done. Your being there for her keeps things as is for her, and I think that she needs to experience your absence for awhile. No threats or anything to her, just a gentle, "Hey, I'll be here for you when we can pursue something legitimate - call me when that can happen." Or else, this could continue on for a possible another five years, you know?

 

This is what i've been feeling as of late.

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How so, when she's told her husband she's leaving him and they are selling their house? Sounds like the opposite of having your cake and eating it too. That would be telling the OM that she just... just can't leave her poor husband for reason 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - as MOM often do.

 

Women are much more likely to leave in this scenario. I think she probably will leave, particularly if she hears things that make sense from the OM. Whether they end up together is anyone's guess, but telling your spouse it's over, you don't love them anymore, you want a divorce and becoming separated (even if in-house, which due to financial constraints many, many people do now), is not having your cake and eating it too. It's eating the s&it cake that is telling your spouse you're getting divorced and taking steps in that process. Of course she feels guilty. She's told her husband she doesn't love him and wants a divorce. But it hasn't stopped her yet. How many stories on here are OW painfully waiting years for the MM to do just that?

 

And in fact, we know she's not lying about telling her husband she wants a divorce, because he was so upset he's taking a break from the band for that very reason. So she's taking action and moving toward divorce - she's serious about it. Whether it works out, whether it lasts - who knows - but those are not the actions of someone who is trying to have their cake and eat it too.

 

GoldenAxe I am talking from experience and at this moment this could go either way. The truth of the matter this situation has gone on for far too long, it has developed into something that is destructive and someone is going to get hurt.

 

There are three options on the table:

 

Option 1 Do Nothing

 

A risky option and the situation could go either way.

 

 

Option 2 Run Away

 

Sadly your event has gone on for far too long. Like it or not, if you try to run, there's going to be a tidal of wave of great emotional pain behind you and it will catch up. Once it does you will be drowning in this for so long that it could take you years to swim back to the surface.

 

 

Option 3 Fight

 

Fight for her and destroy her marriage. If I could go back in time I would of done this instead of option 1. Because I did option 1 I also got option 2 thrown in aswell because I had lost.

 

 

I don't think my exAP read these boards so I think it safe for me to be perfectly honest. In my situation because I left it for far too long, her situation became complex when our feelings towards each other begun to bollosom and her relationship with her boyfriend was taking heavy hits.

I don't know the full facts of my story but her relationship with her boyfriend did come to an end. The problem is he threatened to harm their dog if she leave him. So yeah he used the dog to get her back, they moved in together and now she carrying his child.

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Wambo, yeah im certainly familiar with the tidal wave. im def going with option three, with maybe a little pull back. Either way im not turning around.

 

She was just over for a little while and we made some sweet lovin'. Sucks to see her go.

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Just gave the ultimatum. Idc how this turns out. Nobody's gonna play games with my heart while she teeters back and forth, none of us deserve crumbs.

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Well folks, it ended tonight. Told her I can't do this anymore, we were both ballin our eyes out. It's over.

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I'm sure your struggling here, but you have to understand your dealing with a lying cheating woman and you can't assume that every thing she says about him and/or to you is truth. There in lays the biggest flaw in OM/OW thinking. Remember, the MM/MW at one point likely felt as deeply for the person they are cheating on.

 

In this case she truely enjoyed having both of you and with him not knowing and you being ok with it she never had to choose. Once you forced her hand she picked him.

 

I'm not saying this for salt in the wound, I saying it so your strong when she comes back. She will come back. She will try to pull you back in with the promise its over, may even claim to leave or have left. If you allow it she will yo-yo back and forth between the two of you. 5 years, if she was soooo unhappy with him and happy with you why not leave?. Sometimes its complex and complicated, sometimes its simple. 5 years is more then enough time to get out, HAD SHE REALLY wanted to.

 

Don't let her pull you back in.

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Thanks DKT3, this def had to happen. I couldn't hold the weight anymore.

 

Has she reached out to you yet? If not she will, searching for some ego nibbles and validation. How will you handle it? Have you blocked her from social media?

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Really want to second you blocking her.

You both will go through withdrawal and longing to run back because the pain of walking away and the sudden impact of it will hurt greatly so many times when NC is broken it is due to just wanting to ease the pain.

Let it hurt. Suffer through it and know this is now your path to freedom.

You sat by for 5 years now, she hasn't left.

Now she no longer deserves for you to share her with her husband.

Its unfair for you and don't allow ANY compromise its OVER you took a stand even though you love her the best choice for everyone is to let go.

Get a support network but also get those blocks in place right away.

You will be in a better place soon...but not if theres contact.

Trust me that will hurt you more.

You gotta be tough and maybe seek counseling as well.

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no she hasnt reached out, she knows i mean this. she knows she cant continue to hurt me like this. im gonna go through the suffering. we both have our fb's deactivated since way before this. thats the only common social media we have.

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no she hasnt reached out, she knows i mean this. she knows she cant continue to hurt me like this. im gonna go through the suffering. we both have our fb's deactivated since way before this. thats the only common social media we have.

 

I don't want to come off as pushy, but do you have a plan for when she makes contact? Playing these things in your head will help you to stay strong when the time comes.

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For married women in this situation it can become like a tripod. For her to feel happy it takes both you and her husband. You've removed yourself so there goes one leg. She will feel like her world has imploded and will come back, she may even leave her husband. The problem is she still needs that third leg to stand tall, so then she will leave you and go back to him.

 

I know I keep saying basically the same thing but its important that you understand this so you can avoid it. She loves you, I don't doubt that for a second, but she also loves him, so don't buy that she doesn't and she is staying for other reasons. Simply put she will lie and manipulate to get what she wants.

 

Stay clear, don't allow her to manufactor some BS reason to see you, IE I left something there. Leave it in the mailbox.

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Good points. Have to be honest This is the hardest break up I've ever experienced, maybe because it's not like anyone left cuz one was sick of the other one? It's a real sh*t sandwich.

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no she hasnt reached out, she knows i mean this. she knows she cant continue to hurt me like this. im gonna go through the suffering. we both have our fb's deactivated since way before this. thats the only common social media we have.

 

I worry for you as less than 48 hours ago you were saying you planned on fighting for her.

If you dont block your phone, I promise you will be weak.

You gotta mean this. I am worried you haven't had true withdrawal yet.

Suspect in your heart you dont believe its over truly.

If theres even a shred of truth there I am not judging at all.

I was there, I know how much harder it gets from where you are now.

Id get a firmer plan in place.

The head will say one thing, the heart will say another and I was to the point I HATED my xap and when he wrote big shock....I wrote back hence right back on the same road because my mind WAS done...the heart however...yeah...that takes ages to repair and strengthen.

I am truly rooting for you.

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I worry for you as less than 48 hours ago you were saying you planned on fighting for her.

If you dont block your phone, I promise you will be weak.

You gotta mean this. I am worried you haven't had true withdrawal yet.

Suspect in your heart you dont believe its over truly.

If theres even a shred of truth there I am not judging at all.

I was there, I know how much harder it gets from where you are now.

Id get a firmer plan in place.

The head will say one thing, the heart will say another and I was to the point I HATED my xap and when he wrote big shock....I wrote back hence right back on the same road because my mind WAS done...the heart however...yeah...that takes ages to repair and strengthen.

I am truly rooting for you.

 

Feeling so weak right now. I am truly crushed.

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