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He was really upset with the notion I may begin to date.(Updated)


Lovelysweet2

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Hi, I have posted here before as Lovelysweet, forgot my registration info. I am still in my relationship with MM, ongoing, 3 years. We have been spending alot of time together lately, long talks.

We spoke last night of his feeling guilt about what he is doing, which made me think of the reality that he may never leave his marriage, so I asked his feeling about my possible dating.

His eyes physically glazed over, and he reacted as I had not expected. His throat seemed to choke, and he was visually (body language) upset, and then he changed to suspect I already had a prospect, kept asking who it was, etc.

I told him there was no one; I also told him that I was surprised at his reaction, but mentioned it because we are open with one another, and it was just a prospect that is bound to happen. He then went no, no I am not jealous, and quickly changed it to yes, I am very upset at this thought.

I care about this man, but it seems hopeless that we will ever evolve into a real relationship.

Is this a clue he may care much more about me then I know or he leads me to believe? Thanks.

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If he isn't leaving his wife does it really matter? Either you are content with things the way they are or you move on. Maybe he care a lot or maybe he is just manipulating you. Whatever it is he has stayed married, lived his life while you wait around for whatever scraps he throws your way.

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If he cared about you he'd divorce his wife. He wants his cake & to eat it too. He gets two women: you & his wife but he only wants you to be with him. He is selfish. It's all about him & has nothing to do with you.

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Hi, I have posted here before as Lovelysweet, forgot my registration info. I am still in my relationship with MM, ongoing, 3 years. We have been spending alot of time together lately, long talks.

We spoke last night of his feeling guilt about what he is doing, which made me think of the reality that he may never leave his marriage, so I asked his feeling about my possible dating.

His eyes physically glazed over, and he reacted as I had not expected. His throat seemed to choke, and he was visually (body language) upset, and then he changed to suspect I already had a prospect, kept asking who it was, etc.

I told him there was no one; I also told him that I was surprised at his reaction, but mentioned it because we are open with one another, and it was just a prospect that is bound to happen. He then went no, no I am not jealous, and quickly changed it to yes, I am very upset at this thought.

I care about this man, but it seems hopeless that we will ever evolve into a real relationship.

Is this a clue he may care much more about me then I know or he leads me to believe? Thanks.

 

Caring about you and leaving his marriage to be in an open relationship with you aren't the same things unfortunately.

 

I'm sure he cares about you, but the jealous MM experiences imagining you with another one doesn't have to be borne out of love, in fact it's a mistake to equate love and jealousy.

 

My exAP was the MOST jealous man I've dated, go figure.:rolleyes:

 

Something a male friend of mine said to me once that I've always remembered, this was him explaining how he had been with his ex for 5 years but was never in love with her, he liked her, was used to her, she loved him, so he stuck around, but he said he would often wish she would leave him. Anyway, eventually she did, but by cheating. He explained how jealous and upset he was, then said that "Even if you don't love a woman you feel like she is yours, so when a next man comes along that shhyt upsets you!" It made perfect sense and put a lot in perspective of how some people feel (even women). Lots of people have experienced not reaally wanting someone or them not really wanting you, yet they don't want anyone else to have you. That's not love but a form of possessiveness that helps the other person feel secure.

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I do agree MissBee, that jealousy does not equate love, but often possessiveness. MM is not the jealous type or shown envy, possessiveness, is very mature and often is too conservative in expressing his emotions. In saying this, his reaction surprised me. He was quite shaken up with this prospect.

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In saying this, his reaction surprised me. He was quite shaken up with this prospect.

 

Probably because he never thought you'd want to date someone else. It hurt him, but also his ego too.

 

He can feel jealous and hurt all he wants but there's nothing he can do about it since he is married, has wife and has no plans on divorcing to be with you.

 

If you date, he'll adjust/get used to it, or he won't.

 

The thing is, you can date others but your heart and emotions won't be in it because you're still in love with MM.

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Hi, I have posted here before as Lovelysweet, forgot my registration info. I am still in my relationship with MM, ongoing, 3 years. We have been spending alot of time together lately, long talks.

We spoke last night of his feeling guilt about what he is doing, which made me think of the reality that he may never leave his marriage, so I asked his feeling about my possible dating.

His eyes physically glazed over, and he reacted as I had not expected. His throat seemed to choke, and he was visually (body language) upset, and then he changed to suspect I already had a prospect, kept asking who it was, etc.

I told him there was no one; I also told him that I was surprised at his reaction, but mentioned it because we are open with one another, and it was just a prospect that is bound to happen. He then went no, no I am not jealous, and quickly changed it to yes, I am very upset at this thought.

I care about this man, but it seems hopeless that we will ever evolve into a real relationship.

Is this a clue he may care much more about me then I know or he leads me to believe? Thanks.

 

Of corse he cares about you, but that is separate issue from his M. The best way for him to deal with his guilt is not to discuss it with you. It's good that he feels it but you are not the person to discuss that with. He should see a counselor or talk to another friend about it. You can express all this to him and why. Leave other men out of it at this point, IMHO.

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Probably because he never thought you'd want to date someone else. It hurt him, but also his ego too.

 

He can feel jealous and hurt all he wants but there's nothing he can do about it since he is married, has wife and has no plans on divorcing to be with you.

 

If you date, he'll adjust/get used to it, or he won't.

 

The thing is, you can date others but your heart and emotions won't be in it because you're still in love with MM.

 

I am not so sure, my heart is with MM, he knows this and it has not made him run. :p The not so sure part, is spending time with someone whom I can eat in public, share a meal and wine, open activities, how can the MM compete with a man sharing himself openly, caring openly...all the perks of a true relationship.

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Of corse he cares about you, but that is separate issue from his M. The best way for him to deal with his guilt is not to discuss it with you. It's good that he feels it but you are not the person to discuss that with. He should see a counselor or talk to another friend about it. You can express all this to him and why. Leave other men out of it at this point, IMHO.

Hi Popsicle, he never mentioned the guilt since our first meeting. I had brought it up, was a minor mention in our conversation, and his admitting to guilt opened my eyes up to the fact I seem to delude myself to, that he is still fully invested in what is left in the relationship with his wife.

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True MissBee, his feelings for me do not trump those for his wife or he would have left her for me and would date me openly. I am sure he would be jealous if his wife found a lover. I brought up the dating others, to be open, to find in retrospect if he was okay with this. I know or I would like to think he knows I cannot be his mistress into my senility years.

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Are you sure he isn't saying he feels guilty because he thinks you'd like him to feel guilty since you mentioned it first? Guys (and gals) would do or say anything they thought their partner liked to keep getting sexual favors, imo. Maybe you are feeling guilty for wanting to see someone else and you're projecting that onto him?

 

As far as the possessiveness, I would enjoy it and see other people if I liked.

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Are you sure he isn't saying he feels guilty because he thinks you'd like him to feel guilty since you mentioned it first? Guys (and gals) would do or say anything they thought their partner liked to keep getting sexual favors, imo. Maybe you are feeling guilty for wanting to see someone else and you're projecting that onto him?

 

As far as the possessiveness, I would enjoy it and see other people if I liked.

 

I cannot remember exactly why I mentioned his guilt of cheating, and his admission did not cause any jealous feelings, anger, but highlighted the truth that our relationship is statistically and realistically not going to become anything else other than what it is. I care for this man, it is deeper than just wishing to be loved, winning, getting my way. Confused. :(

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Just a month ago I told my MM I wanted to start dating and he asked me not to do that.

 

2 weeks ago was D-day, and he ran off like a puppy with his tail between his legs, blaming me to his wife for the A.

 

I am sure he didn't want me to date. But, he is selfish and wanted his BW and me. When that no longer was an option, I became this terrible homewrecker and he the victim.

 

In hindsight, I should have started dating along time ago. After all, I am sure he had a few dates with his BW the last 2 years.

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Just a month ago I told my MM I wanted to start dating and he asked me not to do that.

 

2 weeks ago was D-day, and he ran off like a puppy with his tail between his legs, blaming me to his wife for the A.

 

I am sure he didn't want me to date. But, he is selfish and wanted his BW and me. When that no longer was an option, I became this terrible homewrecker and he the victim.

 

In hindsight, I should have started dating along time ago. After all, I am sure he had a few dates with his BW the last 2 years.

 

I am not familiar with your whole story. We had a huge Dday, his wife left him, they reconciled and he mended it with me the same week of their reconciliation as in our own reconciliation, weird stuff. A difference is he never blamed me, even through all our turmoil and deconstruction.

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Hi Popsicle, he never mentioned the guilt since our first meeting. I had brought it up, was a minor mention in our conversation, and his admitting to guilt opened my eyes up to the fact I seem to delude myself to, that he is still fully invested in what is left in the relationship with his wife.

 

Well, you fished for that, but it's probably best if neither of you bring up guilt or other men again. Tell him that you want him and how hard this waiting has been for you though.

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The thing is, you can date others but your heart and emotions won't be in it because you're still in love with MM.

I agree with that... even if you think your heart is not really with the MM cause you are mad at him, you might still be emotionally unavailable to other men and start comparing. 3,5 years personal experience in A, three break-ups (attempt No.3 now)

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Well, you fished for that, but it's probably best if neither of you bring up guilt or other men again. Tell him that you want him and how hard this waiting has been for you though.

 

I know and hope he does not think my intention was his reaction. It really was not and is why his response surprised me. For all his faults, he puts up with mine and so much more. He puts up with my loony times, my bad days, all my messiness with emotions.

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I agree with that... even if you think your heart is not really with the MM cause you are mad at him, you might still be emotionally unavailable to other men and start comparing. 3,5 years personal experience in A, three break-ups (attempt No.3 now)

 

My heart is with MM, and I do get frustrated in the situation, but realistically I cannot hang on forever, I should branch out and date. You are right in that it will be difficult. Good luck on your 3rd attempt. How is that going?

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True MissBee, his feelings for me do not trump those for his wife or he would have left her for me and would date me openly. I am sure he would be jealous if his wife found a lover. I brought up the dating others, to be open, to find in retrospect if he was okay with this. I know or I would like to think he knows I cannot be his mistress into my senility years.

 

 

Yepp, he most likely would be very enraged if his wife was having an affair as well.

 

It doesn't really matter if he is okay with you dating though. You don't get a choice in him being or staying married so I don't see why you dating should be approved by him. If he doesn't want you to date then he should divorce his wife and become exclusive with you, otherwise he can't eat his cake and have it too where he can't give you what you want but should also get to tell you you can't find anyone else. The choice is solely yours.

 

What I always tell my friend who is the OW, who likes to say what her MM knows and doesn't and how he knows she can't wait forever is: it doesn't matter what he "knows" or what you say you can't do...cause you're still his OW and he's gonna keep going with it until it breaks...whether that be tomorrow or 10 years from now, it'/s already been 6. People do what we allow. Bottom line. So even if we say we can't or won't wait but are still hanging around, what we say doesn't mean much. Most MM won't be altruistic and free you, but will continue the A even if you protest, but are essentially speaking idly, as your mouth protests but you're still there. So they will listen, maybe act like they agree...but will continue on with you. Often it's your own choice to leave that will end it OR a dday which will force his hand (often in the direction you don't want but knew would happen).

 

Also: while in the A I dated other people. I never thought it was wise to be "exclusive" with my exAP given the situation. However, the truth is, while I did date, my heart was NEVER truly open to anyone else and I liked them okay or not that much and was still in love with him. So that's another thing...you can't have it both ways. Dating to spite MM or thinking somehow you can see MM and date other people and then one day will mysteriously fall in love with a new guy and leave MM is often wishful thinking. Generally, you're contradicting everything if you date others but STILL see MM and still date him and sleep with him. You're still gonna be in love with him and no other man will have a genuine chance...so for me I found it was a defense mechanism but not genuine. I had to end things and be done and heal in order to legitimately date...but dating while being in love with him was a waste of time because I was still in love with him and still seeing him so I was sort of doing the same thing he was doing.

Edited by MissBee
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MissBee I have to admit it is hard for me to read your truth, for it is reality. He is with his wife because he loves her. His love for me is not enough to make it exclusive. And it is those mental ifs that messes up rational thought. What if he does not, what if he does.

Why was dating difficult for you? Did the intermingling over wine, flirting, smiles, most importantly the openly sharing not super-cede the emotional ups and downs of the affair?

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My heart is with MM, and I do get frustrated in the situation, but realistically I cannot hang on forever, I should branch out and date. You are right in that it will be difficult. Good luck on your 3rd attempt. How is that going?

I felt exactly the same. EXACTLY. And I started dating, and met someone... It is complicated, but ... unless you meet someone really exceptional and fall in love at first sight - you chances to build a relationship are close to zero - you will end up comparing, and as long as your heart is with the MM - he will always win...

You have to end things, HAVE A BREAK, and THEN start dating... You cannot just take someone out of your heart and put someone else there. You will hurt yourself and the other person. Also, being emotionall frustrated you may run into psychos like I did... Cause your only thought is to replace... to get over, to run away...

As to how I am doing you can read here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/495217-how-do-i-stop-wanting-him. One day after another. It is a HARD WORK. Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I am on my knees to get him back. But I know what is going to happen if he is back - vicious cycle will continue, he will not get D. He had 3,5 years and did nothing. :mad:

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Thank you for the well thought out replies. The affair cycle is a confusing one. The sneaking around is not fun. The back burner. I feel bad when he comes over, the excuses, coming over after taking a potential new work partner out for dinner, the ins and outs are never proper and in the open. I wish it was different.

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sorry for what you are going through

 

 

when I found out about my husbands affair,i did leave him temporarily,and went out with a male friend,just a friend,but he was cute and super nice,but I had no romantic thoughts with him,just fun to be around,when my husband found out,WOW was he pizzed,and that in turn made me so mad,after he cheated how could he possibly be mad at me,men are strange beast,and hard to understand(no offense to any man,cause I love men)

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sorry for what you are going through

 

 

when I found out about my husbands affair,i did leave him temporarily,and went out with a male friend,just a friend,but he was cute and super nice,but I had no romantic thoughts with him,just fun to be around,when my husband found out,WOW was he pizzed,and that in turn made me so mad,after he cheated how could he possibly be mad at me,men are strange beast,and hard to understand(no offense to any man,cause I love men)

 

I am sure he would be jealous if his wife was with another. I have no idea of their dynamics in that manner. These are all his choices. I cannot make him care for me. I cannot choose for him.

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