Told MM I'm Contacting his W

[LynnFrost]

I'm glad I found this place. I need to write down what has been going on in my life, largely "behind the scenes" as being an OW is not something easily shared.

 

 

I am a single OW. MY MM initially told me his marriage was over, that his wife was ending things, that she was tired of his job issues, weight issues and generally in a middle aged funk. I believed him. Before we "crossed the line" we spent a lot of time after work talking about his life and mine, becoming friends. When I started to have feelings from him I initially told him we could no longer hang out, as I didn't want to be part of his marital problems. He assured me that his marriage was done. That they would part ways amicably...divide assets, share custody. That she wanted out as much as he did...etc, etc...I KNOW. I'm stupid. Gullible. I guess eager to believe him because we got along so well, and I am/was quite lonely.

 

 

It has now been 3 years. THREE years of sneaking away together on "work trips." Three years of not seeing him on weekends. Three years of excuses of why he hasn't yet filed for divorce. He goes through phases of guilt at the thought of not living with his school aged kid fulltime and that is the reason. Most recently it is because he wants to find a better paying job so that there is more money to divide and his wife can stay in the home. Sometimes he goes on about how he feels like a "failure" like his own father, who apparently was a playboy, twice divorced. In the same conversations where he discusses all these reasons why he hasn't yet filed, he also tells me he loves me, wants me to be his wife, that I'm his dream woman, that he wants to have a family with me.

 

 

Something about the 3 year milestone is really working me up. I know I can't give him any more of my time and yet I love him and I can't imagine being with anyone else. We have chemistry. We are so similar. We could be so great...if only.

 

 

I"ve threatened to end things before. We've gone without talking for a few days to a week at a time and then one of us caves. I've gotten irrational and threatened to contact his wife. The thought of the heavy grief I will experience is suffocating...and the thought of him moving on with his wife makes me furious. Still, I know this isn't the right thing to do.

 

 

Long term OW's...how do you cope? How did you end it and heal? Does it ever work out? How do you manage the anger?

 

 

Thank you. I am lost and hurting.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Well, I had to make comment, even though I am a man.

 

My SM is an older MW, she is stuck with family and will not separate until they are grown and out on their own.

 

I know it is a long shot at best to have her go through divorce. But I am OK with it. As only time can take us away from each other.

 

Now if your MM has no children or financial obligations, he should think about divorce. Think of it as just being BF and GF, would you stick around for 5 or more years for no commitment in marriage. It is about time he got his priorities straight.

 

As for you, I know it is tough, I feel it everyday. If he has made a plan, then hold em to it, and be patient. Sometimes it takes a bit longer than expected.

[bentleychic]

Actions speak louder than words. Watch them and pay attention. Words mean jack squat without actions to back them up.

[Donesharing]

 

 

 

 

I"ve threatened to end things before. We've gone without talking for a few days to a week at a time and then one of us caves. I've gotten irrational and threatened to contact his wife. The thought of the heavy grief I will experience is suffocating...and the thought of him moving on with his wife makes me furious. Still, I know this isn't the right thing to do.

 

 

Long term OW's...how do you cope? How did you end it and heal? Does it ever work out? How do you manage the anger?

 

 

Thank you. I am lost and hurting.

 

I cracked this past Saturday night. I contacted his wife. I never even threatened to do it before. I just felt so overwhelmed and I did it. I regret it now, sort of...I have posted on this board the last few days and some posters have helped me feel less horrible for doing it. It was a huge reality check for me, because once I did that he shunned me and told me via text yesterday morning, "You have no idea what I am going through, my life is over." This from the man that promised me the moon, the sun, the stars and happily ever after...as soon as his kids were grown and gone." I can't give you advice to end it, because right now I am missing my MM so badly. I am so hurt that she really did come before me, after all the promises. I feel so used, and then at the same time I wish I could take it all back, because I miss him so much. I am just a conflicted wreck. I guess there was no way around the pain though.

[whichwayisup]

I am a single OW. MY MM initially told me his marriage was over, that his wife was ending things, that she was tired of his job issues, weight issues and generally in a middle aged funk. I believed him.

 

It has now been 3 years. THREE years of sneaking away together on "work trips." Three years of not seeing him on weekends. Three years of excuses of why he hasn't yet filed for divorce.

 

You've just wasted THREE years of YOUR life for a married man who is not divorcing his wife. You unfortunately believed him and his actions have shown you he is just interested in an affair with you, no plans on divorcing. Men and women who want to divorce, do so! He hasn't.

 

Question is, do you want to waste another three years of your life being second fiddle? My hope for you is NO and I hope you end it and walk away.

 

If you decide to stay and settle, be his side dish for years to come, then embrace your role as the OW in his life and accept you'll only see him on his terms and time frame, all the meanwhile he lives his life with his wife and kids while you're sitting waiting for him to make time for you.

 

The choice is yours.

[Be_Strong]

Ironically, it very well could have been your relationship with MM that stalled the divorce. He may have been entirely truthful with you in the beginning about the impending divorce. But, once he started getting from you what was missing in his marriage, the marriage became tolerable to him and there was no reason to divorce.

 

This is why I don't understand women who allow themselves to get roped in by a guy that says his marriage is horrible or he will be divorced soon. All the woman has to say is, "fine, as soon as the divorce is final give me a call." That would give them the only realistic chance to ever have a real relationship with the guy.

 

You are in a tough spot right now where I don't think there are any options that keep you from getting hurt. If I was you, I would follow the same advice you should have followed from the get go--no more relationship until divorce is final. Cut him off completely. I know it will be hard and hurt, but it is the only option if you ever want to have a real relationship with him in the future. Each day that goes by when you're missing him, keep telling yourself that. There are only two possible outcomes if you give him the ultimatum, either he moves quickly to get divorced because you truly are the most important in his life, or he stays married and you find out that it wasn't meant to be.

 

The hardest part of course will be on your end to actually maintain no contact and follow through on your ultimatum. I think most women in your situation know that they need to do this, but they are scared to death about the possibility of finding out that the MM doesn't actually love them as much as he claims, and verification of that truth would be unbearable to them. So they keep their heads in the sand and maintain the status quo.

[Ladydrib]

I'm glad I found this place. I need to write down what has been going on in my life, largely "behind the scenes" as being an OW is not something easily shared.

 

 

I am a single OW. MY MM initially told me his marriage was over, that his wife was ending things, that she was tired of his job issues, weight issues and generally in a middle aged funk. I believed him. Before we "crossed the line" we spent a lot of time after work talking about his life and mine, becoming friends. When I started to have feelings from him I initially told him we could no longer hang out, as I didn't want to be part of his marital problems. He assured me that his marriage was done. That they would part ways amicably...divide assets, share custody. That she wanted out as much as he did...etc, etc...I KNOW. I'm stupid. Gullible. I guess eager to believe him because we got along so well, and I am/was quite lonely.

 

 

It has now been 3 years. THREE years of sneaking away together on "work trips." Three years of not seeing him on weekends. Three years of excuses of why he hasn't yet filed for divorce. He goes through phases of guilt at the thought of not living with his school aged kid fulltime and that is the reason. Most recently it is because he wants to find a better paying job so that there is more money to divide and his wife can stay in the home. Sometimes he goes on about how he feels like a "failure" like his own father, who apparently was a playboy, twice divorced. In the same conversations where he discusses all these reasons why he hasn't yet filed, he also tells me he loves me, wants me to be his wife, that I'm his dream woman, that he wants to have a family with me.

 

 

Something about the 3 year milestone is really working me up. I know I can't give him any more of my time and yet I love him and I can't imagine being with anyone else. We have chemistry. We are so similar. We could be so great...if only.

 

 

I"ve threatened to end things before. We've gone without talking for a few days to a week at a time and then one of us caves. I've gotten irrational and threatened to contact his wife. The thought of the heavy grief I will experience is suffocating...and the thought of him moving on with his wife makes me furious. Still, I know this isn't the right thing to do.

 

 

Long term OW's...how do you cope? How did you end it and heal? Does it ever work out? How do you manage the anger?

 

 

Thank you. I am lost and hurting.

 

It is so terribly hard to end it, especially when the MM is doing everything he can to keep it going. The wife finding out most often doesn't even change things. You have to either decide that lifestyle is okay with you and just accept it or you have to go through the heartache of getting over him by ending all contact, forever. If you chose the no contact route (which it sounds like you're leaning that way) try distancing yourself before letting go completely. This is not a quick fix but it erodes the relationship with him and allows you to cope with the idea of life without him and to cope with the new belief that you will never be together. And yes, if you don't want just an affair with him you will have to see things differently. You must retrain your brain that he is not going to be in your future. One day, no contact becomes easier, and doable, after forcing distance for a long time. This could take months to a year or more. And of course if it's possible for you to go completely no contact immediately, that's better. Because a year from now you'll be much further along in your healing process. And you will not be able to fall in love again until you heal. It's reasonable that you can't imagine yourself with any other man. You have not healed yet.

[Lovemesomehim]

Start looking at your relationship with him realistically instead based on what he's actually saying to you.

 

 

When a man tells you that he's staying in his marriage due to his children, will that same man stay in his marriage and allow his children to see him mistreat their mom or not show her love and affection?

[LynnFrost]

I cracked this past Saturday night. I contacted his wife. I never even threatened to do it before. I just felt so overwhelmed and I did it. I regret it now, sort of...I have posted on this board the last few days and some posters have helped me feel less horrible for doing it. It was a huge reality check for me, because once I did that he shunned me and told me via text yesterday morning, "You have no idea what I am going through, my life is over." This from the man that promised me the moon, the sun, the stars and happily ever after...as soon as his kids were grown and gone." I can't give you advice to end it, because right now I am missing my MM so badly. I am so hurt that she really did come before me, after all the promises. I feel so used, and then at the same time I wish I could take it all back, because I miss him so much. I am just a conflicted wreck. I guess there was no way around the pain though.

 

 

I actually posted on your thread earlier. I can really relate to your knee jerk action of telling the wife via FB. I've contemplated the same but right now, I guess I'm still clinging to pathetic shreds of hope and know that "outing" him will likely end any chance if he is really planning on leaving someday.

 

 

I hope you are feeling better.

[Donesharing]

I actually posted on your thread earlier. I can really relate to your knee jerk action of telling the wife via FB. I've contemplated the same but right now, I guess I'm still clinging to pathetic shreds of hope and know that "outing" him will likely end any chance if he is really planning on leaving someday.

 

 

I hope you are feeling better.

 

I got out of the house a little today. I went to Costco. I had to keep myself from crying in public the entire time. I am resisting texting him. I keep having things go through my head that I want to say. But, he knows, he knows I am broken. But, his priority is what is happening to his life. Hard to wrap my mind around it. I did bust it wide open, so of course he is mad at me. I am ruining his marriage. But, he told me that marriage was for the sake of the kids. I flat out asked him is she knew he would leave once the kids were gone and he said yes. They have never discussed it, but she knows that all the years he stayed with her was for the kids. I said, I hope so, I hope you are going to blindside her. Then I go and do the blindsiding. I am the bad guy. But, really he is the bad guy! Why didn't he tell me he was living a normal married life and she thought they were happy! I needed to know though, no matter how much it hurt him or her, I had to get off the train. I guess I had a hope that he would still love me and turn to me and it would break them up. It's all just a jumbled up mess. None of it feels right.

[Crazy_Love]

I'm in a three year affair as well. I understand. He is not going to leave her because if he was, he would have done it. He's trying to keep you around, cake eat.

 

The surest way to end it would be to tell his wife. He won't leave her for you, but he'll leave you for her.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's true. Mine would do the same and I've come to accept that he'll never leave. If you want to continue the A, you have to get whole with sharing him forever. If you can't then end it by telling her. He won't come back.

[MuddyRock]

Honesty is always the best policy. Even if you do it anonymously you should still tell her. It doesn't really matter why you tell her. She is going to find out some day no matter what.

 

Chances are pretty good she will kick him out.

[Donesharing]

I got out of the house a little today. I went to Costco. I had to keep myself from crying in public the entire time. I am resisting texting him. I keep having things go through my head that I want to say. But, he knows, he knows I am broken. But, his priority is what is happening to his life. Hard to wrap my mind around it. I did bust it wide open, so of course he is mad at me. I am ruining his marriage. But, he told me that marriage was for the sake of the kids. I flat out asked him is she knew he would leave once the kids were gone and he said yes. They have never discussed it, but she knows that all the years he stayed with her was for the kids. I said, I hope so, I hope you are going to blindside her. Then I go and do the blindsiding. I am the bad guy. But, really he is the bad guy! Why didn't he tell me he was living a normal married life and she thought they were happy! I needed to know though, no matter how much it hurt him or her, I had to get off the train. I guess I had a hope that he would still love me and turn to me and it would break them up. It's all just a jumbled up mess. None of it feels right.

 

 

That should have said, I hope you are NOT going to blindside her.

[GettingOver]

Long term OW's...how do you cope? How did you end it and heal? Does it ever work out? How do you manage the anger?

 

Thank you. I am lost and hurting.

 

I was in an A for 3,5 years. On and off.There were three attempts to end it - first attempt actually was done by him and broken by me. I became really pushy after 1 year as he promised to come with a decision and this decision looked strange... I starte looking for solutions and one day he told me that his teenage daughter is very ill due to him to living at home, blah-blah. He could do nothing and he cut it off. I was deeply suffering cause I though this man could never ever leave me no matter what... I really loved him so much. Three months later my heart still could not accept it and when I was travelling to his country (we were in LDR) I just came to his office and A resumed. In one year I broke up with him myself - things were not the same as before... I initiated most of the things, he would blow hot and cold, etc. It was hard and it helped me to break it. In two months he tried to contact me via Skype and I resisted. Then he started contacting a friend of mine and I finally wrote to him myself. We started talking and I got sucked back. On top, I was moving to where he lives. When I did the A resumed again. This June, after 3,5 yeras I made another attempt to break it - he was still blowing hot and cold, I initiated most of our dates, etc. On top, he went to MC with his wife and discovered that he is staying married not just for the sake of the kids (16 and 19 today - little babies!), but he still has some emotional connection with his W. I gave him time to think it over till his son's school leaving exam. When it was passed he said he cannot leave because of the kids while they still live IN THE HOUSE (not till they are 18!!!) You see, that they may live in the house till 25, or 30, maybe till his dying day... I got pissed and told him that he will NEVER leave.

All this crap stops me from contacting him, when I want to see him, I now try to remeber the bad, not the good. It helps. If everything with you and your MM is ok besides that he is M - like he gives you enough attention, makes you feel needed, etc. - I don't know how would I manage... You have to really WANT it.

About anger... I kept my anger inside most of the time. Sometimes I cried but mostly alone. There is nothing you can do about it.

I really, really, really wish you luck. I guess it is a good advice to start distancing yourself a bit - for the beginning. Try this and then you will see how to proceed.

Hugs!!!

[Back2WhatUKnow]

So I can relate. I WAS in an A for 4.5yrs. I recently ended mine 40 such days ago. Longest I ever cut it off and walked away. His excuses he has school age children but he lived seperately for the past 2 years. When I would ask him of a D. He would tell me "I don't know, or their finances or he is too old to start over or he would cry about not seeing his kids as much. He kept going on trips with his family. For the longest I made threats of leaving and tried NC with failure lasting a couple days. The final straw. Him leaving on another family trip and realizing when he told me he was gonna discuss the D with the W 8 months prior. He just lied the whole time and blew it off. I finally walked. It was different this time. I was ready to walk and like you. You will know when you are ready to walk out. Over the past year i distanced myself we would just act more so like friends then lovers. I was grown tired of the excuses and kept being hurt at him holding on. I have been strong since I left and I do have my moments. The more time passes I realize what I been missing and seeing him for what he was. Someone who didnt really work with me. He was meant for someone else. I wish you luck and when you are ready get prepared.

[LynnFrost]

So I can relate. I WAS in an A for 4.5yrs. I recently ended mine 40 such days ago. Longest I ever cut it off and walked away. His excuses he has school age children but he lived seperately for the past 2 years. When I would ask him of a D. He would tell me "I don't know, or their finances or he is too old to start over or he would cry about not seeing his kids as much. He kept going on trips with his family. For the longest I made threats of leaving and tried NC with failure lasting a couple days. The final straw. Him leaving on another family trip and realizing when he told me he was gonna discuss the D with the W 8 months prior. He just lied the whole time and blew it off. I finally walked. It was different this time. I was ready to walk and like you. You will know when you are ready to walk out. Over the past year i distanced myself we would just act more so like friends then lovers. I was grown tired of the excuses and kept being hurt at him holding on. I have been strong since I left and I do have my moments. The more time passes I realize what I been missing and seeing him for what he was. Someone who didnt really work with me. He was meant for someone else. I wish you luck and when you are ready get prepared.

 

 

 

 

I'm glad you feel like you made the right decision and it seems moving on has been good. I've been pulling away a little bit over the past year. Whenever I go no contact I do get very anxious and sad...imagining he has just gone back to living with the wife as usual, as if I never had existed. Do you ever wonder what your exMM is doing now in his marriage? Have you stopped caring?

[MissBee]

I'm not an OW any longer. My A lasted a bit over 2 years, so I don't know if I'd consider it very long term (what's the starting point for long term anyway?) I couldn't have been an OW any longer than that. The two year mark for me was when I grew more and more frustrated and just tired of the situation personally. I genuinely cannot understand affairs that go on for 5, 10, years plus. I am sure the factors are all different, but if an open relationship is what you want, and you're not content with the A as an A, then I don't really know of a way in which you can have a long term A and be happy and true to yourself. 2 years was for me when I broke and it had to be one way or another.

 

 

Does it ever work out? Yes some people do get the open relationship they want. Is this the most common outcome? Not from what I've seen from both real life people I know and on the countless stories that pass through LS. I have a friend going on 6 years still waiting for her MM to leave and when I first met her she was planning her wedding in her mind to him and it's been 3 years since I've known her and nothing has changed. I think if the person is going to leave then it will show in proactive actions, more action and less excuses. That's all you can observe, what is he DOING about things versus what he says and what you hope and dream and wish for. We can all wish and hope and that's the danger of the A, if you don't keep yourself focused on reality you can find you've dreamed 10 years of your life away living on the hope that tomorrow/next month/next year will be the year MM leaves.

 

The good news is, I don't think anyone really will die from not having someone in their life. The grief will be there. Lots of people have experienced that, but you know what? You do move forward. Lots of OW didn't end up with MM and the good news is that they did not go on to live destitute and lonely lives but MANY (if not most) after they healed found love in someone available. I can say that I definitely moved on and had other relationships after and am in no way as pained and hurt as I was back when we ended. So it does get better...and if he wasn't going to be with me I'd rather deal with the pain now and move on from it in the future than to for example still be in the A for years and years wasting more of my time.

[Back2WhatUKnow]

I'm glad you feel like you made the right decision and it seems moving on has been good. I've been pulling away a little bit over the past year. Whenever I go no contact I do get very anxious and sad...imagining he has just gone back to living with the wife as usual, as if I never had existed. Do you ever wonder what your exMM is doing now in his marriage? Have you stopped caring?

 

Honestly, I remember praying one night for him to go work it out and leave me alone. Just because the relationship was built on lies and i realized it will be such a mess to make it work. I would have to ask myseld could I be happy with that. Sure I do think time to time if he will just go back or go thru with it. I care because this was my friend and I am not a complete hateful human being. I realize that as I keep going on the dark with NC and recognizing this is an Ex. I am starting to feel better about my outcomes for the future as far as doing it right this time. Like I said when you are ready you will know and flow right along. Take each challenge as it comes. I did a slow blocking off of him during NC. I could see his messages but I never replied. I just would say outloud he is full of it then delete it. I blocked it all and dont care to the repeats he has to say. Ive been told actions speak louder then words. Well I cant be a therapist forever either if he just cuts it off and blaims me for it.

[LynnFrost]

I "relapsed" since my last posts on here and allowed myself to get sucked back in with MM.

 

 

Made plans to meet up with MM in Nov, but gave him the stipulation that his W needed to know the real deal. This was earlier this month, so he had 2 months to figure that one out.

 

 

MM contacts me having made his flights/hotel for our time together. Says things are "going well." I start to get excited about seeing him without the secrecy involved previously. I love him.

 

 

During our conversation last night I asked him what he told his W about his travels and he says "nothing." Then he goes into an explanation of why he can't tell her right now...he is essentially financially dependent upon her as he has been staying home with their son and backburnered his own career. He says that when he agreed to tell her it was because he thought he was about to be offered a new job. But now he says he can't tell her because she will kick him out and he will be essentially homeless.

 

 

I did remind him that he is the co-owner of the house, but yeah.

 

 

Today he is pressing me to see him and I snap. I hung up on him and when I calmed down I wrote him an email stating I was deeply disappointed in his "excuses" and that I no longer felt I had anything to lose and was going to tell his W the truth.

 

 

He has been calling and calling and emailing...I haven't picked up. I'm just so toasted from this drama and desperately sad at the thought of it being a real loss. In his email he said he'd still love me even if I told his W, but begged me not to do so, to let him do it after he has a job.

 

 

I don't know. I don't know.

[Lovemesomehim]

Calling the wife all boils down to "IF" mm does not tell her? Tell her what? That he's coming out to visit you? That he's leaving her? What is it that he has to tell her? And what is the urgency to tell her now about the affair/travel plans?

Edited September 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Be_Strong]

Does it strike you at all the fact that you are trying to get a guy to be with you by threatening him? Is that a healthy relationship? Why would you want that guy?

 

Threats are unneccessary, and honestly now that you've crossed that line I don't think there's any chance between you guys. You should have simply stuck with the ultimatum. But it needed to be his choice, not you forcing it on him.

[Redheaded Mistress]

End the affair. Not because I'm a big anti-affair person... Anyone here sees I'm not.

 

End it because it's turned toxic.

 

When you fall to threats to get your way over him, that's bad enough. Threats you don't know you're following through with? Worse. Threats that you don't know if you should follow through with as a reaction to something he did? Even worse.

 

A threat, regardless of if you intend to or don't intend to follow through with it, made specifically to hurt him?

 

That's the worst.

 

If your interaction dynamic has been reduced to this point, forget that it's an affair, even if it wasn't, you've hit a point of no return as far as successful communications go. From here, things only get worse. If you've done it to injure him once, you'll think less of doing it next time. And because he now knows this is your dynamic, he'll think less of doing it to you.

 

Unless you want a relationship, pre-divorce affair or post-divorce relationship, that's defined by people holding things over each other's head, inflicting hurts simply so as to hurt the person you're with as badly as you're hurting, and an increasingly downward spiral reacting to each other and the numerous struggles you will have... The best thing to do is say "here's my low point, I've hit it, I'm done."

 

A threat like this isn't just a threat, it's something designed out of revenge to hit the maximum hurt with the least effort by involving somebody who has previously been uninvolved. An anger and threat to hurt him without a hint of remorse over how it'll hurt the person you're hurting? Not good.

 

End it, don't tell the wife, and just let him go. Anybody who brings out your worst isn't worth keeping.

[ComingInHot]

Quick question , who's paying for his trip to see you? You or His Wife? Either way... yick. He sounds like a winner.

[Ronni_W]

LynnFrost,

On one hand you are willing to ensure this guy's inability to fend for himself financially -- so, you will do what you know will ensure his homelessness, poverty, dependence on friends, family, state -- only so that your own will, wish, whim, desire will be fulfilled...and, on the other hand you believe that you "love him".

 

Did I get that right???

[jellybean89]

Do you really think he would tell his wife? Did you really think she would be "oh, okay honey, have a good visit with her"?

 

What did telling his wife have to do with your relationship? You may as well tell her - she should know her H is a cheating leech.