How do I stop wanting him...

[GettingOver]

I was in an A for 3,5 years. I loved him like crazy this whole time. We broke up 3 times and now is the third time (my initiative). I have not spoken to him since 3 months and even tried to have another relationship which seems to fail in any case and not because of my emotions.

Every minute I am fighting with an urge to contact him. I never loved anyone like him... The feeling when he hugged me... everything... I think that just seeing him would make me feel better. I understand that it's a way to nowhere... but how can I stop this when my heart refuses to listen to my mind. I already remeberd all the **** about him and the relationship - it doesn't help...

On top, my birthday is coming soon, and even if I don't contact him myself... he might contact me and I don't know what happens.

I know that if he did niothing is 3,5 year he will hardly ever do smth. But I still love him no matter what, how do I fight this??

[Toodaloo]

I have no idea.

 

I feel your pain and am waiting to read any advice anyone has.

 

I guess you just keep going.

 

Don't contact him, don't answer any contact from him and keep reminding yourself that you "love a lie" and not the real thing. if it were real you wouldn't have to worry about this...

 

3 months isn't that long in all honesty.

[GettingOver]

I have no idea.

 

I feel your pain and am waiting to read any advice anyone has.

 

I guess you just keep going.

 

Don't contact him, don't answer any contact from him and keep reminding yourself that you "love a lie" and not the real thing. if it were real you wouldn't have to worry about this...

 

3 months isn't that long in all honesty.

 

3 months is not that long... BUT... it is the third time! First time was also 3 months... Second time was 2 months or so... This third time I though I was done. I met another guy who seemed to be very nice in the beginning and I liked him, but he turned out to have depression issues, he overreacted about everything, our intimate connection was far from what I had with the MM and I couldn't stop comparing... On top he said he was a part of a weird religeous community. But it is not about him.

I feel like MM was so right for me... the feeling that you have when someone hugs you... It is not even passion, it's a feeling of peace. I am almost 30 and I never had such kind of emotions in my life, never loved that much in my life and I am afraid I never will. When I left him this last time I though that I had enough of "love". But I figured that relationship where I do not love is also not an option.

Maybe I loved a lie... But what if you love no matter what? How to go on?...

[Toodaloo]

You just take each day as it comes.

 

You just keep going.

 

So the first 2 times didn't work and you got hooked back in. The fact that you are still trying to get out of it shows that you are unhappy when you are with him. Again 3 months isn't that long so the last couple of times you obviously were not over him...

 

Take up yoga?

 

Its OK to love, its what you do with that love that matters. In this case the best thing for you both is that you tuck it away at the back with your memories and move forward without him.

 

We have all been there. I have people in my past that just the sound of their voice makes my heart sing. Doesn't mean that the song is in tune though

 

Keep going.

 

Stay single for a while. I chose until this November, don't know why I just did. That way I have a deadline where I re-evaluate where I am at. If I am not ready I extend it, if I am then great.

 

Your clearly not doing so well so don't date for another 6 months at least. Read every self help book there is. Try new things and rediscover yourself. Get off your bum and set yourself challenges. Learn a new language, get fitter, save to go travelling to somewhere you haven't been before, read a new book every week... Just do something that does not involve men, romance and all that. Give yourself a break.

 

Then at least you have a hope of making the break up a final one and getting to a point where you know who you are again and what you want before you go looking.

[Poppygoodwill]

I think you're doing the right thing by fighting the urges, though I know that's hard to do and it's exhausting. The thing is - and you know this - even if you give in and contact him, it won't lead to a miraculous change and suddenly you'll be happy. You'll just be back to square one and it will add to the time it takes for you to break the ties and get on with finding someone who is really available to you. And he IS out there. You just have to go on faith at the moment.

 

So - in the meantime, until you can get through the day without thinking of him - and believe me, that day will come...you need to distract yourself. Take up more exercise, try a new hobby, go out more with friends, work longer hours. Just do anything to keep yourself busy. The side benefit is that by doing that you'll meet more people and have good times and it will help you understand that there is life after the MM, and that it's going to be rich and full.

 

Patience. Faith. Distraction. These are what you need now. SEnding hugs.

[GettingOver]

You just take each day as it comes.

 

You just keep going.

 

So the first 2 times didn't work and you got hooked back in. The fact that you are still trying to get out of it shows that you are unhappy when you are with him. Again 3 months isn't that long so the last couple of times you obviously were not over him...

 

Take up yoga?

 

Its OK to love, its what you do with that love that matters. In this case the best thing for you both is that you tuck it away at the back with your memories and move forward without him.

 

We have all been there. I have people in my past that just the sound of their voice makes my heart sing. Doesn't mean that the song is in tune though

 

Keep going.

 

Stay single for a while. I chose until this November, don't know why I just did. That way I have a deadline where I re-evaluate where I am at. If I am not ready I extend it, if I am then great.

 

Your clearly not doing so well so don't date for another 6 months at least. Read every self help book there is. Try new things and rediscover yourself. Get off your bum and set yourself challenges. Learn a new language, get fitter, save to go travelling to somewhere you haven't been before, read a new book every week... Just do something that does not involve men, romance and all that. Give yourself a break.

 

Then at least you have a hope of making the break up a final one and getting to a point where you know who you are again and what you want before you go looking.

 

Thank you sooo much for your feedback!

Maybe you are right and I have to stay single for a while. Before I met MM I dated an alcoholic, then a rebound, then MM came to my life. Then the other crazy guy that lasted for 3 months. I also question myself what did I do to deserve this!

I actually do have to learn a new language cause my MM is a foreigner and in order to be closer I moved to his country. Well, not only because of him, but anyway. In a year I progressed a lot - I can speak now, make a converstaion, etc. Maybe I have to study more though...

The song was definitely not "in the tune"... I tried to end it not only because he was married, but because he was blowing hot and could, could go a week without contacting me, sometimes he never responded to my texts. I guess if he did make me feel loved and important the whole time, I would be unable to even try to end things. I always made excuses for him. But this time I am definitely stronger, even though I feel so weak sometimes - like today. I post here before i make a mistake contacting him, I talk to my friends, I try to think of the bad things.

How long have you been single? When did you break up with your MM?.. What helped you to stay strong?..

[travelbug1996]

The only wy to get over this situation is to look at it based on what it really is, and not what you want it to be.

 

The reality is that he goes home to another woman every night that he sleeps with.

 

He is a selfish person that only wants his way. Clearly, he doesn't care what you want or need, which is a man committed to loving you and you only. He doesn't care about that.

 

I've been away from my MM since 2008 and I could not be happier.

 

He made a vow to his wife and he just gives you sweet nothings.

 

You will have to change all your contact info and act as if you never met him. Only time distance, reality and no contact will heal you.

 

You DO NOT need to be looking for another relationship. Your picker is off that's why you picked a married man. Stay away from those ****ers. They will suck the life out of you emotionally.

 

Married men don't want divorces. They want a foolish woman that's willing to have an affair with them. He's so disrespectful.

[Toodaloo]

When did you break up with your MM?.. What helped you to stay strong?..

 

Been single since April (Ex left me for dead to go paint balling - no, no joke and no exaggeration, he didn't call to find out if I lived or died either). Had know MM for a few years and he had been separated since January, but not over his wife and in a mess. We both were. We have both been treated very badly by partners who are not bad people and who if they cared about either of us would not have done what they did.

 

Thanks to this forum I didn't get too involved Its only been a month perhaps 2 at very most but I still think of him every day, first thought in the morning, last thought as I drift off to sleep... Its far from over for me. I keep hoping that those little flutters in my stomach are indigestion rather than love or infatuation... heard MM voice yesterday and it was like coming home. My situation is different in some ways, my MM is separated, was when we started to get close and looks like he may eventually get divorced but the key word there is "eventually". He was not ready is not ready and I have to stay away. I often read this forum and the old posts to keep myself on track and staying away. He needs to be divorced and over his wife before I can even think about him...

 

However I am basing my response on a relationship, it was not an affair but we were extraordinarily close, I had many years ago. I was very very deeply in love and one day pooft all gone.

 

Damn near destroyed me and I haven't dealt with it, fluttered between terrible relationships that just got worse... realised that actually somewhere in there it had something to do with my choices and I was responsible for my happiness.

 

Since then decided to make changes and have never felt happier or more together in my life. It absolutely sucks sometimes. It breaks my heart sometimes when I put my foot down with myself but I keep it down. (If I had my way I would be running to my MM in a heart beat but my head knows its the wrong thing to do). If something makes me upset or miserable I put my foot down with myself say no and set myself a new challenge. So far I am fitter, happier, speaking a tiny bit of Italian and starting to learn to walk in high heals. I am in the process of stopping smoking, reading more, getting out more, being more sociable with the people that matter the most and cutting those who make me upset out. I am also saving for the holiday of a lifetime, have cleared more debt so only have a smidgen left. My life is much more together by telling myself no.

 

You don't deserve this - you deserve better. But if you don't change your thinking it will just get worse.

 

Keep going. It does get better.

[Bittersweetie]

Take it one day at a time.

 

I think sometimes the concept of "forever" is so huge that it makes no contact feel impossible.

 

But everyone can be strong enough for one day!

 

What I did was when I got the urge, I'd say, I'll do something tomorrow. The tomorrows turned into days, weeks, months. It's been almost five years now for me.

 

Good luck!

[GettingOver]

I think you're doing the right thing by fighting the urges, though I know that's hard to do and it's exhausting. The thing is - and you know this - even if you give in and contact him, it won't lead to a miraculous change and suddenly you'll be happy. You'll just be back to square one and it will add to the time it takes for you to break the ties and get on with finding someone who is really available to you. And he IS out there. You just have to go on faith at the moment.

 

So - in the meantime, until you can get through the day without thinking of him - and believe me, that day will come...you need to distract yourself. Take up more exercise, try a new hobby, go out more with friends, work longer hours. Just do anything to keep yourself busy. The side benefit is that by doing that you'll meet more people and have good times and it will help you understand that there is life after the MM, and that it's going to be rich and full.

 

Patience. Faith. Distraction. These are what you need now. SEnding hugs.

 

Thank you for support! i know if I contact him I will just be back to square one... if something changed during this time, I guess he would have contacted me and told me. But no, he did not. He tried in the first two weeks - but only offering his help and support as I am a foireigned in the country - or better say it was his excuse to stay in touch. I was very angry with him back then and just said that if I need anything - I will let him know. I know him. This is not the first time - once I distance myself - he always becomes available. When I need him and get too close - he is always busy with smth else. And yes, I was not happy with him even though I loved him, I had moments of happiness when he would come over, when we would travel, when he was there for me. But I knew I was the last priority in his life. Once he even told me that if he would end up divorced he wouldn't want to marry again - i.e. me. Which sucks. I am 15 years younger than him and I do want to get married one day.

After I broke up with MM, i met a guy that I liked. I WAS NOT LOOKING - it just happened. He rushed things a bit - like within a month i got a key to his apartment, met his parents. In two months we went for vacation, he initiated talking about future, marriage, kids. Even though I liked him I had that gut feeling that smth is missing... Things happen too fast... After vacation he fell into depression for no particular reason and ended up going into weird religeous group that performed a ritual for him during the night in the woods with an animal sacrifice. I was shocked and I was turned off. I left. I started missing MM even more.

I just want to get out of it. This place is very helpful, it's been already several times that people from here stopped me from contacting MM - and I am grateful. I also understand that the rebound relationship was a mess and I should stay away.

I do not want to settle. I do not want to accept whatever comes my way. I do have my fears that I will never be over MM and will miss my chances in life. In the meantime I do believe that my man is probably somewhere out there...

[GettingOver]

Take it one day at a time.

 

I think sometimes the concept of "forever" is so huge that it makes no contact feel impossible.

 

But everyone can be strong enough for one day!

 

What I did was when I got the urge, I'd say, I'll do something tomorrow. The tomorrows turned into days, weeks, months. It's been almost five years now for me.

 

Good luck!

 

What happened in these 5 years?... i am trying to do the same at the moment... Did you get over?

[GettingOver]

...heard MM voice yesterday and it was like coming home. My situation is different in some ways, my MM is separated, was when we started to get close and looks like he may eventually get divorced but the key word there is "eventually". He was not ready is not ready and I have to stay away. I often read this forum and the old posts to keep myself on track and staying away. He needs to be divorced and over his wife before I can even think about him...

 

However I am basing my response on a relationship, it was not an affair but we were extraordinarily close, I had many years ago. I was very very deeply in love and one day pooft all gone.

 

Damn near destroyed me and I haven't dealt with it, fluttered between terrible relationships that just got worse... realised that actually somewhere in there it had something to do with my choices and I was responsible for my happiness.

 

I still doubt that... I still think that life is sort of random... You are not chosing who you fall in love with...

 

Since then decided to make changes and have never felt happier or more together in my life. It absolutely sucks sometimes. It breaks my heart sometimes when I put my foot down with myself but I keep it down. (If I had my way I would be running to my MM in a heart beat but my head knows its the wrong thing to do). If something makes me upset or miserable I put my foot down with myself say no and set myself a new challenge. So far I am fitter, happier, speaking a tiny bit of Italian and starting to learn to walk in high heals. I am in the process of stopping smoking, reading more, getting out more, being more sociable with the people that matter the most and cutting those who make me upset out. I am also saving for the holiday of a lifetime, have cleared more debt so only have a smidgen left. My life is much more together by telling myself no.

Well, I am happy that you are happier by telling yourself "no". I live in a country that I love, I do speak the language already, I am about to start additional stidies, I have new frieds, BUT I still miss the MM!!! I wan to get rid of this so bad, it just ruins everything that I've achieved by now

 

You don't deserve this - you deserve better. But if you don't change your thinking it will just get worse.

 

Keep going. It does get better.

What am I supposed to change in my thinking?... Stop thinking of him?... I wish I could....

[JustJoe]

I don't think you are going to like what I say. But I'm going to give you some advice based on my own personal experiences.

My first year in college I dated an older woman. One night I wanted to try anal sex with her. She agreed, so we did. Afterwards, I complained about the f.... m.....on my p.... Her answer was " What did you expect, perfume and flowers?"

The first thing you should do is TRY to acquire a little emotional maturity and realism. You have steeped yourself in childish romantic fantasy and drama, to the point that you are confusing yourself about the real situation that you are involved in.

You say that you can't forget him and can't stop thinking about him, etc...etc. What you really mean is that you WON'T stop, because you love the intense feelings you are having. You are selfish and enjoy the drama.

My advice to you is to start to think about others. Read the posts here on LS and other websites, about the horrible consequences of adultery. The innocent victims, men , women and children , whose lives have been brutalized by the selfish actions of people like you, and people like me. Because, make no mistake, I was as guilty as you are. But I learned, and you can too.

Think of the well being of others, and try to foresee the possible consequences, BEFORE you act. I may seem harsh, but I've BTDT .

[Owl]

What are you doing to fill your thoughts, your energy, your focus on things other than him?

 

What have you changed in the last 3 months to help you get over him? To renew your focus onto something else?

 

CHANGE.

 

Best thing to help get past a broken/ended relationship.

 

Take up an old hobby that you've let slide...use your newfound time to learn a new skill or hobby that you've always wanted to.

 

Working out is the best stress relief.

 

Combining these two efforts is one of the best ways I can think of to deal with this kind of thing. Yoga, martial arts....things that take up time, are a physical work out, and are often mentally/emotionally challenging are some excellent remedies to help fill that time, fill your mind, and tire out the body all at the same time.

[GettingOver]

What you really mean is that you WON'T stop, because you love the intense feelings you are having. You are selfish and enjoy the drama.

Think of the well being of others, and try to foresee the possible consequences, BEFORE you act. I may seem harsh, but I've BTDT .

I wish I had intense feelings to someone else who is not married. I do not enjoy the drama, it hurts me.

Everyone is hurt in this situation. Possible cinsequences? Like what? And I am not going to act...

Edited September 26, 2014 by GettingOver

[Redheaded Mistress]

Allow yourself the space to be upset. There was a relationship, it ended. That's hard to let go of, especially if you're unsure you did the right thing. It's OK to be upset about it.

 

It sounds like you're at a point where you are still hurting but don't want to be. So, feel like you feel, but keep going in spite of how you feel. Dating, probably too soon. But there are a thousand things you can do to keep yourself and your mind busy. And do things because you want to, not because they were things you guys did, something he liked, or something you think will endear yourself to him.

 

After a time, it'll get better. It doesn't feel like it, but it will.

[GettingOver]

Allow yourself the space to be upset. There was a relationship, it ended. That's hard to let go of, especially if you're unsure you did the right thing. It's OK to be upset about it.

 

It sounds like you're at a point where you are still hurting but don't want to be. So, feel like you feel, but keep going in spite of how you feel. Dating, probably too soon. But there are a thousand things you can do to keep yourself and your mind busy. And do things because you want to, not because they were things you guys did, something he liked, or something you think will endear yourself to him.

 

After a time, it'll get better. It doesn't feel like it, but it will.

Well, that's basically how it goes... some days I feel better, some days I feel nearly dead. Yes, I can keep my mind busy for a certain period of time, but not all the time... I dream of him... This is smth not under my control.

The worst part - I am unsure if I did the right thing... if i were sure, it would have been much easier to let go of. I mean - my mind is sure, but my stupid heart is not.

[Friskyone4u]

You made the correct statement when you said if you break NC you will be back to square one. That is a fact, and only you can stop that from happening.

Until you stop swooning, you will not find another man that suits you.

And right now I feel sorry for any man who gets involved with you because until you stop the fantasy in your head , you are not a safe partner for another man.

You will wind up cheating on a new boyfriend if this MM wants in your pants again.

You need to maintain NC and stop acting like this is the end of the world. No one has died, no one has a terminal illness , all that has happened is you broke up with a guy you had no future with other than be his toy. So stop the illusions and comparisons and concentrate on becoming an independent person and then you will make a good partner for someone.

You other option is to contact him again, sleep with him again, and continue on the sorry road you are now on.

[Bittersweetie]

What happened in these 5 years?... i am trying to do the same at the moment... Did you get over?

 

I focused my energies on myself. On my marriage. On finishing my degree, finding a job, exercising. On healing. On living the life I was fortunate enough to have despite my choice and a dday.

 

Also, whenever thoughts of xOM came up, I thought of something negative with the A...my H's face on dday. Bad things the xOM said to me. The hurtful choice I made. It sounds silly but I "trained" my brain to not think of xOM.

 

It is a choice, not to contact, not to think, and with time it gets easier. Try not to give in to the sadness...make a choice to do something positive instead of wallow. It's easy to give in and drink a glass of wine and feel wistful. Be strong and move forward.

[Pinklotus]

Well, that's basically how it goes... some days I feel better, some days I feel nearly dead. Yes, I can keep my mind busy for a certain period of time, but not all the time... I dream of him... This is smth not under my control.

The worst part - I am unsure if I did the right thing... if i were sure, it would have been much easier to let go of. I mean - my mind is sure, but my stupid heart is not.

 

I think you should consider therapy. You moved to another country to be with a MM. That alone says something about your self-esteem. Get to work on yourself.

[GettingOver]

You are right, bittersweetie "It's easy to give in and drink a glass of wine and feel wistful". I should focus on negative parts of the A, there are a LOT.

Pinklotus, I moved to another country not only to be with the MM. I even broke up with him before doing that and I did not even want to tell him... I moved to do additional studies and having new experience. He contacted me a month prior to my move and sucked me back in.

Thanks everyone! I DID NOT CONTACT HIM!!!! I feel better! I probably should remove him from Skype not to see him all the time online. Or change my Skype account.

[Loveless77]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm about to die (feels like it) and it's only been 8 days for me...

[GettingOver]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm about to die (feels like it) and it's only been 8 days for me...

After our first break up I felt like that much longer than 8 days. It is normal, it will get better!

[GreySkyMorning]

I promise you there is a light at the end of this tunnel if you give it time. I was with xmm for two years. We did it all...all the I love yous, the perfect connection, his promises that we would be together and it would all be ok, etc. Dday came and he threw me under the bus and no longer loved me. Just like that.

 

I was devastated. I even slept with him a couple of times after that just to spend time with him, even though at that point, I was just sex on the side to him. I know how you feel. It was horrible. I didn't think I'd make it through, didnt really want to go on. Days and nights spent crying and missing him.

 

Today, 18 months after dday, I am the happiest I've ever been in my life. Seven months after dday, I met my true love, the man I was supposed to be with all along. It wasnt an instant connection and there were a few stops and starts along the way. But for every bit of a connection and love I thought xmm and I had, this is a thousand times more. He's single, he treats like I'm a queen, he's proud to be with me, I've not been a secret in his life, or him in mine, for even one second. We have a love that i could have never had with xmm, even if he'd came to me. I have this awesome relationship with a man thats never hurt me, ever, and i trust him completely. Thats something xmm's wife will never even have with him. I'm thankfully every day now that it didn't work out. I honestly don't love him anymore. I have no feelings for him at all anymore. Even the anger is gone. I'm just glad he's gone.

 

And there's somewhere out there that will treat you the way you deserve too. But until then, you have to be that person. Mourn mm. Let yourself feel that pain for a while. But be realistic. Let yourself remember what it was like to know he was sleeping with another woman every night, spending his life with her, while you are just a secret waiting for his attention. You are worth so much more.

 

This is supposed to hurt. Dont run from it. But don't allow yourself to drown in it either. He's not worth it. Invest in yourself. You have to be the best friend to yourself that you can be, even if you have no desire to do so at all. Get out of the house. Find a hobby. Take a class. Work out like a mad woman. Get a pet. Do whatever it takes to start feeling alive again, without him.

 

You'll be ok. I promise.

[GettingOver]

Thank you GreySky!

I thought you left this place for good, I remember all your advise and that you had a similar situation. The bf I told you about seems to by a bit of a psycho though . All his issues kicked me almost to square 1 with MM.

I guess I just probably have to stay single for a while...