Finding courage to end it

[desperatelywanting]

I have been lurking here a while, but find myself wanting to hear from others. In short, I am a MOW to a MOM. I'm 3 months in, but recently moved away from my AP. I don't yet have the courage to write my entire story here. It will come in time. Things seem to be coming to a natural end of sorts due to distance. I have not initiated NC yet. We have been LC because he's been busy at work. I am already feeling wrecked, though, and don't know how I can end things because I don't want the "high" from my A to end. And because I have so many feelings for my AP. (Yes, I know this is all wrong...)

 

If you are a MOW or MOW who ended it, please tell me what happened to make you end it and how you finally found the strength to let go. Thank you.

[lovinDKT3]

I ended my affair because a lot of things came together in quick fashion. First the AP who was divorced started to press me to leave my marriage (something I never intended on doing), then I became guilty and depressed, and lastly but most important my husband started to question things. I ended the affair but like so many others I thought we could maintain a friendship. That was a joke, even through we never met up in person the affair continued.

 

The final end came when I was fighting with my husband and he said something about me finding someone else and I slipped up and said maybe I already tried that. It was in that instance that I knew the affair had to end totally, but I also feared my marriage would end. The look on my husbands face was something I wish I could forget. It was like it all came together for him.

 

Things with the AP turned ugly as I cut him off totally and my marriage quickly fall apart as I lied and avoided the topic. My husband (who also posts here) is a wonderful man stayed but there was only so much he would take and he filed for divorce. I finally decided to confess but it was too late, there was nothing I could do to save us at that point.

 

I thought I was in control of my husband and marriage, that it would go the way I wanted. I thought that no matter what he would be there, yet I also felt should my marriage end it would be OK. I was wrong, once I finally understood I didn't have control of him or the outcome of the marriage it became so clear how bad I had messed up and how much it was always him that I loved.

 

Sorry I got off track there.

[desperatelywanting]

I ended my affair because a lot of things came together in quick fashion. First the AP who was divorced started to press me to leave my marriage (something I never intended on doing), then I became guilty and depressed, and lastly but most important my husband started to question things. I ended the affair but like so many others I thought we could maintain a friendship. That was a joke, even through we never met up in person the affair continued.

 

The final end came when I was fighting with my husband and he said something about me finding someone else and I slipped up and said maybe I already tried that. It was in that instance that I knew the affair had to end totally, but I also feared my marriage would end. The look on my husbands face was something I wish I could forget. It was like it all came together for him.

 

Things with the AP turned ugly as I cut him off totally and my marriage quickly fall apart as I lied and avoided the topic. My husband (who also posts here) is a wonderful man stayed but there was only so much he would take and he filed for divorce. I finally decided to confess but it was too late, there was nothing I could do to save us at that point.

 

I thought I was in control of my husband and marriage, that it would go the way I wanted. I thought that no matter what he would be there, yet I also felt should my marriage end it would be OK. I was wrong, once I finally understood I didn't have control of him or the outcome of the marriage it became so clear how bad I had messed up and how much it was always him that I loved.

 

Sorry I got off track there.

 

 

Thank you for your response, lovingDKT3. I appreciate your candor. No need to apologize, as I don't feel you got off track. Besides, I asked a very general question.

 

As is the case most times, my H and I have had some rough patches. There are some issues that have dogged us for a long time. I love him, but there are a lot of needs of mine that are not being met on both the emotional and physical levels. I met my MOM at a time when I was very vulnerable. (I realize that is not an excuse at all.) We had an instant chemistry. I told him that I would eventually be leaving our city, which I now think made me seem all the more inviting.

 

Things have been mostly on the "hot" side from the start, even after relocating. Now, things are cold, and I am starting to realize that I am too invested and that this was a big mistake for everyone involved. The unfortunate thing is that I have such strong feelings for him, and the look I saw in his eyes whenever we were together was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. We have expressed feelings but never said ILY and there has been no talk of anyone leaving. I don't want to do that and I don't want that from him. However, I cannot deal with these "split" feelings. My heart is breaking being away from him, yet I know we are going nowhere.

Edited September 26, 2014 by desperatelywanting
added text for clarity

[lovinDKT3]

I guess what I'm getting at is you feel the strongest pull from the place you invest your attention. Your focus is MOM, and it sounds like me you think your husband will never find out or its simply not that important to you. NOW. If you want it to end focus on the fallout, on the ****strom that awaits, odds are it will all come out. Are you ready for that? In the midst of the A this isn't something that we think about much.

 

The OM in my case wasn't close to being the man my husband is, but he was available and showered me with attention. I remember being so happy, feeling like OM was the answer. Its freaky how little he meant to me once my husband was on to the affair. Before that it felt like I would never break free of OM and the affair. The truth was I didn't really have to, I still had both. Once it was a choice it was so easy and clear which it was I "REALLY" wanted. But it was too late. Like you I felt my needs went unmet, later I understood it was mostly my way of justifing the affair.

[still_an_Angel]

I've been with my MM for some time now, our A started with both of us married and now I am separated but he is still M. You haven't been in your A for long, this is the best time and opportunity for you to open your eyes and look further on as you know this is going nowhere and people are only going to get hurt. The A is a fantasy world, you crave the high it gives you because all you experience is the good side of this relationship. Your reality is your life with your H, are you really ready to let go of your H?

[desperatelywanting]

I guess what I'm getting at is you feel the strongest pull from the place you invest your attention. Your focus is MOM, and it sounds like me you think your husband will never find out or its simply not that important to you. NOW. If you want it to end focus on the fallout, on the ****strom that awaits, odds are it will all come out. Are you ready for that? In the midst of the A this isn't something that we think about much.

 

The OM in my case wasn't close to being the man my husband is, but he was available and showered me with attention. I remember being so happy, feeling like OM was the answer. Its freaky how little he meant to me once my husband was on to the affair. Before that it felt like I would never break free of OM and the affair. The truth was I didn't really have to, I still had both. Once it was a choice it was so easy and clear which it was I "REALLY" wanted. But it was too late. Like you I felt my needs went unmet, later I understood it was mostly my way of justifing the affair.

 

I know that what you're saying is right. Now, that the fog is lifting for me, I see that I'm risking losing a loving caring man in my H.

 

I went immediately to read the threads started by both you and your husband and can see the damage that can be done by an A. I know that it must stop right now. Yet, my heart still hurts.

 

I know what I've said about my needs is sounding like justification, and mostly it is. Still, I have felt numb for so long and my MM made me feel so alive. H and I have discussed our issues at length over the years, so it's not like I've just acted like everything was perfect. Most of our problems are physical in nature. They started on the emotional level. I can't touch or kiss or hug him without him thinking I want sex. He is LD and I'm not. The lack of intimacy has led me to feel ugly and unwanted. When I met MM, that all changed for me. I know i need to give this up and I need to work on me and my M. I am just afraid to go back to feeling the way I did before.

[desperatelywanting]

I've been with my MM for some time now, our A started with both of us married and now I am separated but he is still M. You haven't been in your A for long, this is the best time and opportunity for you to open your eyes and look further on as you know this is going nowhere and people are only going to get hurt. The A is a fantasy world, you crave the high it gives you because all you experience is the good side of this relationship. Your reality is your life with your H, are you really ready to let go of your H?

 

Thanks. I'm not ready to let go of my H. Not at all. That's why I know this has to end. I'm a little scared of how I will behave once I go NC. Has anyone gone on a mild anti-depressant to get through this?

[Pinklotus]

Just end it. It's like jumping into a cold swimming pool. You just close your eyes and do it. Lo and behold, you survive and adjust. And feel better afterwards.

 

I had an EA, not a PA, but I ended it after several months of IC. My husband and I were working on our marriage, things were getting better, and I realized how crazy I would be to jeopardize it any further. The OM was hot/cold, it wasn't going anywhere, and I realized how wrong he would be for me even if single.

 

So I just took a deep breath and wrote the email. It was brief, but polite, and I wished him well. I made it clear that I did not want any further contact. He wrote back once and I didn't respond.

 

I felt better as soon as I wrote it. I did have moments of sadness or missing him, but they didn't last long. I focused on my husband and thought about HIS feelings. It made me realize how stupid and crazy it was.

 

You don't need your AP. You just think you do.

[Clay]

Tell your H. Give him the chance to decide his future just like you have now to decide yours.

 

This will help you really see what is important for you and if it doesn't and your still talking to the OM then let your H go.

 

You have all the answers maybe its time to share them with your H.

 

Clay

[jellybean89]

I know that what you're saying is right. Now, that the fog is lifting for me, I see that I'm risking losing a loving caring man in my H.

 

I went immediately to read the threads started by both you and your husband and can see the damage that can be done by an A. I know that it must stop right now. Yet, my heart still hurts.

 

I know what I've said about my needs is sounding like justification, and mostly it is. Still, I have felt numb for so long and my MM made me feel so alive. H and I have discussed our issues at length over the years, so it's not like I've just acted like everything was perfect. Most of our problems are physical in nature. They started on the emotional level. I can't touch or kiss or hug him without him thinking I want sex. He is LD and I'm not. The lack of intimacy has led me to feel ugly and unwanted. When I met MM, that all changed for me. I know i need to give this up and I need to work on me and my M. I am just afraid to go back to feeling the way I did before.

 

What is LD?

 

Listen to the previous posters. Hear them. If you want your marriage to work, you must end the affair.

 

All marriages go through rough patches. All marriages go through less "intense" romantic moments. Instead of work towards fixing those items, you instead chose an affair...yes, an affair is a choice, not an oops. Were you meeting all of your H's needs?

[Donesharing]

Thanks. I'm not ready to let go of my H. Not at all. That's why I know this has to end. I'm a little scared of how I will behave once I go NC. Has anyone gone on a mild anti-depressant to get through this?

 

 

I have. I went to my Dr. last week to get one. It takes a few days to start work all the way. But, today is the first day I put make up on. Going to try to make some plans tonight or see a movie or something. I am way better than I was earlier in the week. My D-day was on the 13th, but on the 20th is when all heck broke loose. So, it is very new for me Your reg primary care provider can start you on an antidepressant. You don't need to go to a specialist.

[desperatelywanting]

I have. I went to my Dr. last week to get one. It takes a few days to start work all the way. But, today is the first day I put make up on. Going to try to make some plans tonight or see a movie or something. I am way better than I was earlier in the week. My D-day was on the 13th, but on the 20th is when all heck broke loose. So, it is very new for me Your reg primary care provider can start you on an antidepressant. You don't need to go to a specialist.

 

Thank you, donesharing. I have read your posts and am sorry for what you are going through and it seems a lot tougher than what i am dealing with. I have just written my NC email and getting ready to send it. Baby steps!

[desperatelywanting]

LD is "low desire" or "low drive". It seems to go by different terms on different sites.

[desperatelywanting]

Tell your H. Give him the chance to decide his future just like you have now to decide yours.

 

This will help you really see what is important for you and if it doesn't and your still talking to the OM then let your H go.

 

You have all the answers maybe its time to share them with your H.

 

Clay

 

I don't know what your experience is with this situation. I am not telling anything to my H. I want to break things off with my MM. I am looking for advice from anyone who identifies as an OM/OW in particular.

[Donesharing]

Thank you, donesharing. I have read your posts and am sorry for what you are going through and it seems a lot tougher than what i am dealing with. I have just written my NC email and getting ready to send it. Baby steps!

 

You are welcome. I was a complete mess a week ago. Today I am a lot better, yesterday was tough for some reason. The more I have no contact, the more clarity I get. I just don't want to be second. I don't want to share the man that says he loves me. I do miss him so much, but right now I am seeing that I deserve better. You will too!!! Seriously, this message board is a total and complete Godsend.

[desperatelywanting]

You are welcome. I was a complete mess a week ago. Today I am a lot better, yesterday was tough for some reason. The more I have no contact, the more clarity I get. I just don't want to be second. I don't want to share the man that says he loves me. I do miss him so much, but right now I am seeing that I deserve better. You will too!!! Seriously, this message board is a total and complete Godsend.

 

I see how far you have come. I know I am in in a different scenario as a MOW, but some of the base feelings are the same and they tear at the heart. I wrote my goodbye email. Now, it is a matter of pressing Send and then deleting my email account. I feel weak tonight but I know it must be done.

[Donesharing]

I see how far you have come. I know I am in in a different scenario as a MOW, but some of the base feelings are the same and they tear at the heart. I wrote my goodbye email. Now, it is a matter of pressing Send and then deleting my email account. I feel weak tonight but I know it must be done.

 

I get it. I still am second guessing myself. But, the bottom line is ....if he wanted to be with me more than his BW, he would figure it out..like he promised.

 

I think for you, you need to figure out what you want in your marriage. I thought I would never leave my xhusband, but turns out he left me. But, I was never "in love" with him. So, it turned out to be the right decision. But, as many times as I imagined and hoped to find a way out..when it happened, I begged him to stay. There really is something about the chaos, that happens at the end. I think it took us about 6 months before he finally left, after talks, and cries, and begging, and worrying about the kids, the house, everything. He did leave. That period of time is insanity. You really can't say what will happen. There are so many feelings, and thoughts to do the right thing. Everything will happen how it should. I say pray and let it go. Not that easy I know. I still keep looking at my phone and thinking "WTF! you really aren't reaching out to me!?" ....but, bottom line, he isn't. I miss him soooooo much, but I feel calm. And it is Saturday tomorrow, and I always dreaded the weekends, because here and there her FB pictures would show some picture of the two of them at some event or whatever, and it would crush me. I cannot live like that. Hang in there. I am not better by any means. Tomorrow, I will probably hide in my room and cry again, hope not...but, I am not better, but hopefully getting there. xo xo xo

[desperatelywanting]

Well, it's been 2 days of NC. Cried myself to sleep last night. I feel so sad, but i am managing to hold it together during the day.

[Clay]

I am a BS and I never had a affair so I guess I can not offer to that side of things but I can tell you about my thought on real love. Real love is giving yourself completely to someone. That means even the parts of yourself that you could easily be hurt from. Opening yourself to someone in the best of times as well as the worst of times. Your H married you. He gave himself completely to you. You have made a huge mistake why now make another. Own this and fix your marriage. Give him the chance to choose what he wants. If he chooses to stay then maybe the both of you can work on the things that lead you to stray in the first place. If you refuse to open yourself up and get help you are doomed to repeat it again. The other side of this is if he ever finds out by someone else it wont go anywhere they way you want it to. If you control how it comes out then you can help the direction of your relationship.

 

I honestly will never have much respect for someone who cheats but I do have respect for people that try to correct their horrible mistakes. Give yourself a chance to be a better person. Sure it wont be easy but its a good start in the right direction.

 

Clay

[curiousGeorge2]

As a recent relocated, op you should first take care of your career, your kid (if you have), and most importantly yourself.

[desperatelywanting]

As a recent relocated, op you should first take care of your career, your kid (if you have), and most importantly yourself.

 

Thanks, curiousGeorge.

I am CBC, so no kids. Relo was for my career, which I'm throwing myself into to keep busy. Pulling the trigger and going NC was the right thing for me. Day 3 now. Managed to even get some sleep last night.

 

I can't lie -- It's been tough. I just have to stop letting my mind wander to xMM. I know it's over and that I have to focus on my M and on moving forward.

[desperatelywanting]

Today has been rough. Trying not to fall apart and trying not to cry. I'm also vacillating between anger and sadness.

 

I miss so much about him. He proclaimed feelings for me, but i still wonder if he just used me for an ego boost. I guess I'll never know...

Edited October 3, 2014 by desperatelywanting
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