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Housing issues with ex wife of former MM


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Things have been going really well lately and I was hopeful that it was settling down for my boyfriend's ex wife. It seemed like it was for a while but I just got a text from her. She always goes to me first now even though the restraining order is still in place. I think she does it thinking that I'm softer than my boyfriend, and when it comes to her, I probably am because he has no patience for her at all.

 

The text I got this morning says, "I'm going to be homeless, can you guys help me out?". Now, she has a tendency to throw tantrums and be really overly dramatic about a lot of things. So, I texted her back and just said, "clarify please". She sent back, "Lease is up at end of this month and they won't rent to me again because of damage". I don't know what the damage is, I texted back, "what damage?" and haven't gotten anything back yet. Who knows what she damaged, she is very erratic and histrionic so it's hard to tell.

 

I haven't said anything to my boyfriend yet, he is going to be livid that she is even texting me let alone asking us for help. The restraining orders for him and his children are also still in place and he follows them to a T and she knows that whereas I am trying to not go to the police every time because I feel really sorry for her inability to control herself.

 

She wants money, that I'm pretty sure of. We have plenty of money but there is no way in hell my boyfriend is going to give/loan her a dime, that I am absolutely sure of. Especially if it's her own fault that she can't get her lease renewed. I am hopeful that her children will one day have a relationship with her again after she gets herself straightened out and calmed down (if that ever happens) so I am trying to keep it as civil as possible all things considered. I won't give her money behind my boyfriend's back though, no way in hell would I ever do that.

 

At this point, I'm not even sure I should bring it up to him? But, if I don't and she actually ends up homeless I would feel badly for her even though she creates these situations herself. Not to mention, who knows what she would do or what kind of scenes she would try to create if that does happen and her children have already been mortified many times by her outbursts and behaviors.

 

Suggestions? Advice? And I don't block her number simply because with her behaviors I feel safer knowing where she is and what she is up to and I don't want her children to miss out on anything in her family since I know she isn't in contact with them or their father.

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YWCA has beds.

 

Though, you did know EX would be part of your life. Unless you can get him to say no, there is always going to be EX in your relationship.

 

For me I would never think of such a thing to do with my mate. It is just to dynamic and unsettling.

 

That is the way I am, so I am sorry I cannot see any benefit unless you need your house cleaned, chef, and wash done on a regular basis. Might as well have her do arse wipes as well when done in the loo. :/

Edited by sdrawkcaB ssA
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Things have been going really well lately and I was hopeful that it was settling down for my boyfriend's ex wife. It seemed like it was for a while but I just got a text from her. She always goes to me first now even though the restraining order is still in place. I think she does it thinking that I'm softer than my boyfriend, and when it comes to her, I probably am because he has no patience for her at all.

 

The text I got this morning says, "I'm going to be homeless, can you guys help me out?". Now, she has a tendency to throw tantrums and be really overly dramatic about a lot of things. So, I texted her back and just said, "clarify please". She sent back, "Lease is up at end of this month and they won't rent to me again because of damage". I don't know what the damage is, I texted back, "what damage?" and haven't gotten anything back yet. Who knows what she damaged, she is very erratic and histrionic so it's hard to tell.

 

I haven't said anything to my boyfriend yet, he is going to be livid that she is even texting me let alone asking us for help. The restraining orders for him and his children are also still in place and he follows them to a T and she knows that whereas I am trying to not go to the police every time because I feel really sorry for her inability to control herself.

 

She wants money, that I'm pretty sure of. We have plenty of money but there is no way in hell my boyfriend is going to give/loan her a dime, that I am absolutely sure of. Especially if it's her own fault that she can't get her lease renewed. I am hopeful that her children will one day have a relationship with her again after she gets herself straightened out and calmed down (if that ever happens) so I am trying to keep it as civil as possible all things considered. I won't give her money behind my boyfriend's back though, no way in hell would I ever do that.

 

At this point, I'm not even sure I should bring it up to him? But, if I don't and she actually ends up homeless I would feel badly for her even though she creates these situations herself. Not to mention, who knows what she would do or what kind of scenes she would try to create if that does happen and her children have already been mortified many times by her outbursts and behaviors.

 

Suggestions? Advice? And I don't block her number simply because with her behaviors I feel safer knowing where she is and what she is up to and I don't want her children to miss out on anything in her family since I know she isn't in contact with them or their father.

 

We had a similar issue. She kept sending email after email that she had nowhere to go and did not have the funds to rent a place after their house was sold. After a lot of complaining that I had stolen her hubby and ruined her life, my guy finally responded that she would have to work more hours and do what she could to sustain herself. I think a year ago he would have helped her but she got so sh.tty in the divorce, he is fed up. He has blocked all communication and now she is using her children to send messages. She ended up moving in with her parents.

 

Def a good thing to not go behind your boyfriend's back. I would tell him and let him decide or you two can make a decision together. Whatever you do, don't give her cash. If you help her get an apartment, make sure to give it directly to the apartment t manager.

 

Good luck!

Edited by goodyblue
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YWCA has beds.

 

Though, you did know EX would be part of your life. Unless you can get him to say no, there is always going to be EX in your relationship.

 

For me I would never think of such a thing to do with my mate. It is just to dynamic and unsettling.

 

That is the way I am, so I am sorry I cannot see any benefit unless you need your house cleaned, chef, and wash done on a regular basis. Might as well have her do arse wipes as well when done in the loo. :/

 

Oh, my boyfriend won't help her, I am sure of that. And I won't help her without his consent, which probably won't ever come and even if it did I don't want to create this kind of hanger on relationship with her.

 

And she won't be a part of my life forever. Just until the dust settles and the kids are situated nicely, after that I will have no contact with her at all. I wouldn't now if she wasn't so crazy acting all the time and I didn't want to know where she is and what she is on about simply so I can avoid her and her antics.

 

And she will not be moving in with us that would be a disaster. Her children are not speaking to her at all. I live separately and plan on doing so for quite some time. He lives in his house with his children.

 

I know it's not my problem that she is working on being homeless I just don't want his kids to suffer anymore than they already have. She loves to play the victim and she will surely act like her being homeless is our fault somehow because she damaged her rental. When she gets in that mode she likes to run around in public acting a fool and making scenes for whatever reason. That's my biggest concern really that she is going to embarrass the kids again. They have been through so much already throughout their lives because of her and her childish behavior I just don't want them to have to endure more.

 

But, now that I'm thinking about it and typing this out I realize I can't control her and it's not my job to keep her acting like an adult. That's her job and if she can't do it that isn't my problem in any universe. I will protect the kids as much as possible and hope for the best I guess. And I should probably just really start enforcing the damn restraining order again. Some people just don't know how to handle themselves or anything that doesn't go there way, sad really.

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I don't understand. First of all you say that there is no way in hell your bf will give or loan his ex a dime and then you say you will feel bad if you don't mention it to him and then the ex actually ends up homeless. That doesn't make sense. How will telling your bf about the messages prevent the ex from being homeless when you are so certain your bf won't give a damn and won't help her anyways?

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We had a similar issue. She kept sending email after email that she had nowhere to go and did not have the funds to rent a place after their house was sold. After a lot of complaining that I had stolen her hubby and ruined her life, my guy finally responded that she would have to work more hours and do what she could to sustain herself. I think a year ago he would have helped her but she got so sh.tty in the divorce, he is fed up. He has blocked all communication and now she is using her children to send messages. She ended up moving in with her parents.

 

Def a good thing to not go behind your boyfriend's back. I would tell him and let him decide or you two can make a decision together. Whatever you do, don't give her cash. If you help her get an apartment, make sure to give it directly to the apartment t manager.

 

Good luck!

 

Well, I just forwarded her texts to my boyfriend. After typing these out and thinking about it I just realized that this is ridiculous. She is an adult. What adult isn't able to go and find and apply and get a rental? I mean jesus I've done it a million times, was even doing it as an 18 year old completely on my own. Why can't she manage anything on her own? What is wrong with her?

 

Boyfriend texted back, "not our problem". He is so done with all of her antics and I just can't blame him. She has put him and his kids through hell for years and is finally reaping what she has sown. So, I'm just going to not respond to her at all from here on out. If she shows up I will enforce the restraining order. If she gets crazy with the texts I will simply block her and report them to the police. I just cannot understand someone who digs themselves into a hole and instead of realizing it and fixing it just keeps on digging like a mad person. Who does that?

 

And I actually have a guest house but there is no way in hell that I would let her live that closely to me. Maybe that is what she was thinking that I would offer that up and she could be closer to us and to her kids? I don't know she doesn't make sense to me at all.

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I don't understand. First of all you say that there is no way in hell your bf will give or loan his ex a dime and then you say you will feel bad if you don't mention it to him and then the ex actually ends up homeless. That doesn't make sense. How will telling your bf about the messages prevent the ex from being homeless when you are so certain your bf won't give a damn and won't help her anyways?

 

He would never give her money. He might talk to some people in an effort to help her find a different place to live. He has a lot of wealthy contacts and is friends with a lot of business owners and property owners. I don't know if he would do that for her or not. He realizes that she is still the mother of his children, crazy or not.

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And never mind. Boyfriend just sent back that her damages were that she had taken a hammer to the walls and torn doors down and damaged them with said hammer. Apparently in a rage. If that is why she is homeless maybe it will teach her to not act like a two year old in a tantrum. Boyfriend says, "no fing way are we helping her she made her bed she can lie in it". Well, that solves that I guess. I just hope she doesn't embarrass the kids any further. I feel so badly for them having to deal with that from their own mother.

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If this woman is an EXwife and the Divorce is totally settled along with the division of the children's time between parents AND you have an actual restraining order that is currently in effect against her, well I don't care if you were involved in as a fow or whatever, don't interact with her period. You may want to find out if YOU can be in violation of the your restraining order against her by communicating with her even in response.

She of course is angry for I'm sure a-lot of reasons (haven't read your back story) however she doesn't sound like she handles it well and is unstable.

Save her communications, forward them to your BF and don't respond unless she says the children are in an emergence stitch.

Good luck!

CIH*

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If you two really are a united couple, then tell him. He needs to know how bad off she is.

 

Does she have parents or siblings who can help her?

 

I like that you show compassion to her and the situation she's in.

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He would never give her money. He might talk to some people in an effort to help her find a different place to live. He has a lot of wealthy contacts and is friends with a lot of business owners and property owners. I don't know if he would do that for her or not. He realizes that she is still the mother of his children, crazy or not.

 

He isn't going to let her starve and be on the streets, that would be just cruel, especially since you say he has connects. Behind the scenes he can help out a bit without her knowing it was him.

 

Eventually she will change her ways, just have faith that once she accepts things in her life, maybe she will have a better relationship with her kids. Just hope your partner allows his ex to rebuild again with the kids.

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whatatangledweb

I would block her. She is using you as a way around the RO. She has to face her actions and pay for them. She will find a way on her own. She is putting you in the middle. She did this before and look how ugly it got.

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AmyBamy,

If this ex is pestering you, it's because she CAN, so you need to get out of the loop. She is your boyfriend's problem not yours.

 

So, block her number and don't make any contact with her ever again. If she wants to know about the kids let her pester your bf.

 

She is an adult and responsible for her own actions. If she chooses to act in such as way as to be made homeless than that is her choice. As another poster says the YWCA has beds.

 

You need to put a stop to this NOW, otherwise you'll be dancing to her tune for ever and a day.

 

A bit of "tough love" is in order here, methinks.

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If you have a restraining order against her then you should not be engaging with her at all for any reason. Why do you not have her number blocked? This is not your issue to be in the middle of.

 

I will repeat that, this is NOT. YOUR. ISSUE. Get yourself out of it and stay out of it. This is between her, her kids and him (if he so chooses).

 

Block her access to you.

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I think you're in the wrong here Amy.

 

If there is a RO I don't see why it is up to you to be the one monitoring and engaging with your boyfriend's ex wife.

 

If he isn't concerned about monitoring her, why are you? I understand it affects your life too but in terms of whose primary issue it is, it's his and I think if it ever comes out you text her behind his back and such you will seem shady.

 

I've personally never been caught between a man and his ex, so have no personal experience with that, but I know that, aside from probably avoiding a man with a crazy ex who is also his children's mother (as I simply have no interest in fighting that battle)...IF somehow that was my situation my boundaries would be CLEAR. Yours aren't. You can't have an active RO but are encouraging texts (yes you encourage by answering them) behind your bf's back when she is HIS ex-wife and kid's mom. She probably knows you don't tell him about ya'lls secret conversations, and as you said, she already realizes there is a chink in the armor of your relationship where instead of being a united front with him where you defer to him, she can simply bypass him and go to you. It shouldn't be that way and makes it a very rocky boat. I remember growing up I could never play my parents against each other. In spite of all their relationship issues as a parental front they were pretty united, where if I wanted to do anything and asked my dad he'd ask me what my mom said about it and told me to go ask her, when I asked her, she'd say what does your dad say? Then from there it would be decided. There was never a case where I could bypass her and ask him or vice-versa and after a while I just didn't bother trying to get around it because I knew that they would always defer to each other. I think this is the best approach in your situation as well. If she knows you will ALWAYS direct her to him, she will grow tired of asking you stuff. But once she knows you are doing your own thing separate from him she will always ask you.

 

Tell your boyfriend about the texts and also block her or get a new number. It doesn't make sense to me that you think that because she can text you you know what she is up to or doing....this isn't really true. You still don't really know. I see more harm coming from what you're currently doing than if you were to avoid dealing with her.

Edited by MissBee
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I think his response was appropriate. It isn't your problem.

 

Place it right back onto her by responding "you're an adult and capable of taking care of yourself - what do you plan to do about it"?

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I think his response was appropriate. It isn't your problem.

 

Place it right back onto her by responding "you're an adult and capable of taking care of yourself - what do you plan to do about it"?

 

I don't agree. There should be no response. She has an active RO which means no interacting. So if contacted, one shouldn't respond. It should be blocked so there isn't even knowledge and then temptation to respond.

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Redheaded Mistress
Things have been going really well lately and I was hopeful that it was settling down for my boyfriend's ex wife. It seemed like it was for a while but I just got a text from her. She always goes to me first now even though the restraining order is still in place. I think she does it thinking that I'm softer than my boyfriend, and when it comes to her, I probably am because he has no patience for her at all.

 

If there is a RO in place, she shouldn't be contacting you, even if the RO is only for your boyfriend. You need to report it, if not to the police, you need to tell your boyfriend.

 

The text I got this morning says, "I'm going to be homeless, can you guys help me out?". Now, she has a tendency to throw tantrums and be really overly dramatic about a lot of things. So, I texted her back and just said, "clarify please". She sent back, "Lease is up at end of this month and they won't rent to me again because of damage". I don't know what the damage is, I texted back, "what damage?" and haven't gotten anything back yet. Who knows what she damaged, she is very erratic and histrionic so it's hard to tell.

 

I haven't said anything to my boyfriend yet, he is going to be livid that she is even texting me let alone asking us for help. The restraining orders for him and his children are also still in place and he follows them to a T and she knows that whereas I am trying to not go to the police every time because I feel really sorry for her inability to control herself.

 

First off, tell your boyfriend IMMEDIATELY. He needs to know. Keeping it from him breeds distrust. It'll make him think that you will hide things when you think telling him will make him mad. And since this is the mother of his children, he needs to know what's going on.

 

Secondly, work out with him what to do. Help can come in all forms, be it money, a referral to an agency to assist in housing, to taking the kids for a period so she can look for something. But talk to your boyfriend. With a RO in effect, likely any help she could get from him or you would be minimal, if anything, without risking the RO. You may have to inform the court that she has a hardship and needs help, which is what they do in our state.

 

She wants money, that I'm pretty sure of. We have plenty of money but there is no way in hell my boyfriend is going to give/loan her a dime, that I am absolutely sure of. Especially if it's her own fault that she can't get her lease renewed. I am hopeful that her children will one day have a relationship with her again after she gets herself straightened out and calmed down (if that ever happens) so I am trying to keep it as civil as possible all things considered. I won't give her money behind my boyfriend's back though, no way in hell would I ever do that.

 

Again, giving her money may be a violation of the RO. At the least, when the money is given and she's shown to be a bad investment in that, presumably, she's not getting any deposit back and lending is unwise.

 

I think the best course at this point may be just telling your boyfriend she's talking to you and then referring it to the state or an intervention agency. That way, first off, they can determine if she really is in a hardship or if she's creating reasons to talk to you guys and dance around the RO.

 

At this point, I'm not even sure I should bring it up to him? But, if I don't and she actually ends up homeless I would feel badly for her even though she creates these situations herself. Not to mention, who knows what she would do or what kind of scenes she would try to create if that does happen and her children have already been mortified many times by her outbursts and behaviors.

 

So much sympathy from me on that one, that's for sure. I see some of my situation several years ago in yours. Are you getting the help with stress that you need? To make sure you're OK, dealing well with the transitions, and can be there for your boyfriend, family, and the children?

 

Suggestions? Advice? And I don't block her number simply because with her behaviors I feel safer knowing where she is and what she is up to and I don't want her children to miss out on anything in her family since I know she isn't in contact with them or their father.

 

Notify a state agency. But tell your boyfriend ASAP that she's talking to you.

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Redheaded Mistress
Oh, my boyfriend won't help her, I am sure of that. And I won't help her without his consent, which probably won't ever come and even if it did I don't want to create this kind of hanger on relationship with her.

 

You give her money this time, she'll contact you more in the future for more.

 

And she won't be a part of my life forever. Just until the dust settles and the kids are situated nicely, after that I will have no contact with her at all. I wouldn't now if she wasn't so crazy acting all the time and I didn't want to know where she is and what she is on about simply so I can avoid her and her antics.

 

As somebody who's been in this situation as well, unfortunately or fortunately, she is going to be in your life forever as long as there are children involved. Hopefully the relationship will grow from one of animosity to successful co-parenting, but one way or the other, she'll always be an active or passive part of your life.

 

And she will not be moving in with us that would be a disaster. Her children are not speaking to her at all. I live separately and plan on doing so for quite some time. He lives in his house with his children.

 

But if there's a RO, she can't move in?

 

I know it's not my problem that she is working on being homeless I just don't want his kids to suffer anymore than they already have. She loves to play the victim and she will surely act like her being homeless is our fault somehow because she damaged her rental. When she gets in that mode she likes to run around in public acting a fool and making scenes for whatever reason. That's my biggest concern really that she is going to embarrass the kids again. They have been through so much already throughout their lives because of her and her childish behavior I just don't want them to have to endure more.

 

Bravo for looking out for the kids when dealing with this situation. Just remember, part of that comes in your interaction with their father as well. Consider his wellbeing in relation to theirs. Not saying you aren't, but if the threat of homelessness means involving your household to a degree that strains your boyfriend, despite her situation, your first focus has to be the kids and your boyfriend.

 

But, now that I'm thinking about it and typing this out I realize I can't control her and it's not my job to keep her acting like an adult. That's her job and if she can't do it that isn't my problem in any universe. I will protect the kids as much as possible and hope for the best I guess. And I should probably just really start enforcing the damn restraining order again. Some people just don't know how to handle themselves or anything that doesn't go there way, sad really.

 

You really need to. She's testing boundaries. The more that you guys let slide, the more she'll push. It all starts slowly and then works up to a big event.

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Suggestions? Advice? And I don't block her number simply because with her behaviors I feel safer knowing where she is and what she is up to and I don't want her children to miss out on anything in her family since I know she isn't in contact with them or their father.

 

She'll never hit bottom if you keep propping her up with attention/response. She's not co-parenting and there's a comprehensive RO in place so she's now one of the billions who take hammers to walls in the world and reap the consequences. Zero. Trust me, she'll find a sympathetic ear somewhere. There's always a white knight.

 

If this was a guy doing her crazy, he'd be in jail. The only reason she's not is because she's a woman. Stop enabling that hypocrisy and end this. That's my .02.

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the_artist_1970

Amy, you have a good heart. Kudos to you, but you can't keep feeling sorry for this woman. Keeping secrets from your DH like this can destroy your M. It is not your fault that she can't stand on her own two feet. I know you mean well but you owe her nothing.

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Thank you all. He does know that she texts me, I don't keep secrets from him at all, nor he from me. She tried to contact him once after the restraining order, he told me then reported it to the police. I have tried to help her out as much as I can by not stirring the pot but she just seems to not be able to get a handle on herself. She has alienated all of her friends and family with her behaviors, I think she has one sister who still speaks to her occasionally.

 

Boyfriend and I discussed it at length with each other, and then he spoke with his children about the situation too. Our decision was to not report this contact to the police in an effort to not pile any more on her right now. I sent her a text in reply to her last one just telling her that I will not be helping her with her issues/problems, that if she wants to communicate with the children or her ex husband that I will not be her go between and that I was blocking her number and would be enforcing the restraining order if she continues to make contact with me. I blocked her immediately after I sent that.

 

Boyfriend then spoke with his children about the situation and they all asked him to not help her. His youngest child (who is 15) told him that if he keeps cleaning up after her that she will never learn. Pretty wise words but not surprising since she has dealt with her mother's behaviors her entire life. My boyfriend and I both would like for the children to have a good relationship with their mother but not until she is stable. So far there has just been so much craziness on her end that it isn't safe for the kids and the courts have ordered only supervised visitations with her and none of the children want to go right now. The court stated that since they youngest is 15 that they can decline the visits and so far they all have. I do not get involved in this since it's their decision, and not mine.

 

I'm just sad for his ex wife that this is how she is choosing to handle herself. That she makes things in her life so much more complicated than they need to be and doesn't take any responsibility for her own behaviors or how she treats people. Then she wonders why people leave and don't want any type of relationship with her but continues to blame anyone but herself for others getting fed up and reaching their limits.

 

I do feel a lot better after having a long talk with my boyfriend about it. He just gently told me that she has always been this way, will probably always be this way, and that I am better off not feeling sorry for her because that's what he did for many years and she uses it to manipulate people and get her way. He says to save myself years of heartache by ignoring her and not taking responsibility for her. He is probably right some people just aren't fixable I guess. I feel the worst for the kids. I just hope it doesn't stay the same or get worse for them. She has put them through so much already that they don't deserve. If only her behaviors and actions only affected her and not them then I wouldn't care at all.

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Redheaded Mistress

I'm glad you've come together on this!

 

Just a word of advice, probably next time I wouldn't involve the kids. Even if they're older, even if their mom is crazy as a nut, they shouldn't hear that or hear bad things about her from you guys. If they reconcile and get close with their mother, which they most likely will, they will resent you for what they've heard.

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I'm glad you've come together on this!

 

Just a word of advice, probably next time I wouldn't involve the kids. Even if they're older, even if their mom is crazy as a nut, they shouldn't hear that or hear bad things about her from you guys. If they reconcile and get close with their mother, which they most likely will, they will resent you for what they've heard.

 

Oh, no - he just spoke with them about the fact that she had contacted us and is looking at losing her place. He wanted to know if they wanted him to help her. They all said no. He presented it neutrally and just told them, "if you want me to help her, I will because she is your Mom and your feelings and happiness are important to me". He was very relieved that they all said no because he doesn't want to help her (but didn't express that to them obviously). He believes that the sooner she hits rock bottom the sooner his children can hope to have a sane mother.

 

We had our discussion completely separate from them. We are very careful about what we say or do in front of them regarding her. She has attempted to physically attack me on the street multiple times and even though I could really harm her, I have yet to fight back due to his children being present. We are very aware of their needs and feelings and that is always first and foremost on our minds when having to deal with her. She's actually very lucky that they share children because if they didn't she would be much worse off regarding our reactions to her behaviors.

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