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Told him it's done.Really hurting.. .(Updated)


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I have been involved with this MM for about 5 months. I'm married myself and have a kid and He has a wife and 2 kids. I recently am getting upset a lot in this relationship and experiencing a lot of sadness and stress and I decided to finally just tell him that I do not want to meet for sometime. Let me tell you my story, please let me know if what I am doing is the right thing. I do not doubt that he genuinely likes me, he does, and he has told me "I love you" many times also. He always tells me how his relationship with wife isn't good, that she is not at all affectionate, does not give him any love etc. I know that he likes me but at the same time, sometimes I can't help wonder if he is just with me because he needs that "Love and comfort" which he is not getting at home. Because that's how it seems to me from the way he talks- he would tell me about his wife and how she is "going around with others" and he tries to make it sound as if he is seeking outside comfort because of the fact that she is also doing the same- meeting other men. It's so stupid and irritates me sometimes because he makes it sound like he just needs me because of the fact that his wife is doing what she wants, so he is going to do the same. Altho, I tell you, I don't believe half of what he says. Anyway, I tell him about it and he says No no, I really love you, etc bla bla.. Here are some things about him that really upset me that made me decide to stop seeing him:

 

- whenever I am with him, he will always talk about spouses- like he will either say something like "yeah , my wife is like that too" or "My wife sucks my dick like this and that etc" or he will reference my husband-- like for example, if me and him are having a good romantic time, kissing and hugging, suddenly he will be like "So you spent all this time away from husband, just go home and make him happy, give him a blow j**". I am like wat the hell.. Isnt that stupid?? Why should u reference my husband when you are with me and I am trying to get close to you? Do you agree with me? it upsets me to hear about his wife because I am really getting attached to him and it hurts me. Him on the other hand, he says "how can I be jealous of your husband? he is ur husband" and then another time he will be like "don't tell me about the moments with ur husb- I will get jealous" IS it just me or does this guy have some mind issues?

 

- Another thing that is upsetting is that he barely shows any jealousy.. Like I mean if I tell him I did it with husband and had a great time, he wont really show that he is upset (maybe he is inside but not showing it), he will just continue to kiss and hug me.. and then later continue to say things like "you should have a romantic time with husb" that makes me think he just wants me for physical stuff.. or if he thinks I am talking to some other guys, he will say I am jealous but won't really show that he is...

 

- Last week we were sitting next to each other after having a great time, and he decides to open up his FB and show me his message list of his messages to various girls..and opens their pics, shows me and says "isn't that a nice pic". I was so upset..WTH.. DO I not have a right to be upset? when he says we "had a beautiful time" and he does this.. so how is it beautiful then? Am I just making a big deal or am I right? so after all this, I decided I could not take it anymore.. I wasn't strong enough to say I want no contact with u, so I said lets just not meet for sometime..he was upset.. and its been 2 days I did not ping him and yesterday night I just saw a message from him (---).. that was the message. I decided to ignore it.. but these 2 days have been horrible, I missed him so much and still am.. I donno what to do, I think ok, maybe I can just reply and talk to him, but not meet... I just donno...

 

Please answer these questions:

- Did I do the right thing by saying lets not meet? Or did I make a drama for no reason and break up for no reason?

-Did I not have a right to be upset from his behavior and the stuff that he talks?

- Should I contact him back and just talk friendly , but just not meet?

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whatatangledweb

This man is doing some really odd things. Maybe he gets off on the thoughts of you having sex with your husband. Him bringing up spouses like that strikes me as very strange. He seems more like he would rather be a swinger than in a relationship with a single AP.

 

What I see happening is he will be having several affairs going on at once. He is not happy to be just with you. He brings up spouses and sex with them. He then brings up other woman and shows them to you when you feel you are having a beautiful date.

 

End this. It will only get worse as time goes by. Please for your sake, emotionally it will suck you dry.

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He is telling you what you want to hear to keep in your pants. He at the same time talks about husband's and wives to remind you of your role. To not push for anything more.

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I wouldn't say he talks about spouses to remind me of my role..because I do not doubt the fact that hes really into me, and he wants to be with me all the time and if he could, he would live with me.. and prolly marry me..so its not that he mentions them because he wants me to remind me of my place but its just stupid..hes just stupid to do that right? and that's another thing that upsets me.. like why should he have me on the side and then later I see pics on FB of him and his wife out enjoying, pics of his wife, etc..like she gets all the luxury with him and im just a meet by week basis, a kiss, love making session here and there.. that's it..so its like whats the point right? why wouldn't I end it right?

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You're no worse or better than him. Each of you are cheating on your spouses and betraying your family unit as one.

 

He isn't jealous because he isn't emotionally invested in you. Many men can separate love and sex. He is just having an affair with you and will tell you want you want to hear to keep you interested in him.

 

You're emotionally attached to him, and that's why things are not great. Either accept that it's just an affair, casual which isn't leading to divorce and you two end up together with blended families.

 

End it now, 5 months isn't that long. It'll hurt but better now than 2 years down the road.

 

You owe yourself, as well as your husband to give your marriage your absolute best.

 

Why have you chosen to have an affair?

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like why should he have me on the side and then later I see pics on FB of him and his wife out enjoying, pics of his wife, etc..like she gets all the luxury with him and im just a meet by week basis, a kiss, love making session here and there.. that's it..so its like whats the point right? why wouldn't I end it right?

Do you not do the exact same thing at home? Live life with your husband and kids? Go out on family outings, spend time together with your husband, sleep in the same bed, even have sex with your husband?

 

Sounds like you're very jealous that he is able to continue on and live life and put you out of his head when he's at home.

 

You want him to be hurt and jealous with the time you spend with your family and husband. You want him to fight for you, leave his wife and divorce. He isn't going to. He may be attracted to you, maybe even be in love with you, but it's not enough to dump his wife and be with you full time.

 

Ask yourself this, why aren't YOU divorcing if you want MM so badly? If he left his wife, I assume then you'd immediately leave your husband? IF yes, then think about divorcing your H because he deserves to be with a woman who loves only him and isn't going to cheat. He deserves respect, honour and love, which he isn't getting from you anymore. You want the MM, yet ( I assume) that you don't want to lose your family and the comforts of home, lose your in laws, and have your own parents and siblings judge you.

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You tell yourself he would move in and marry you but you are so deep in a fog. Who would marry anyone after only 5 months, and not even a full relationship but an affair partial relationship. He is playing a game and you choose to not believe it.

He isn't acting crazy. He is doing g exactly what he needs to to keep himself comfortable.

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Yes, We both are not going to divorce our spouses that's for sure..and I agree, what we are doing is not right.. I know we are in the wrong, but the attraction was so strong that we couldn't help it..But as I keep spending time, of course, hearing about his wife, etc, it is definitely going to effect me right? I mean how can it not? How can I continue having an affair with him and treat it casually without getting emotionally affected, when he talks about spouses? But isn't that stupid of hIM to do? he says im his lover, says he loves me , wants to be with me, etc etc.. which I do feel Is true..then why bring up other topics and people when we are together (ie, show me his FB messages with other girls etc)

 

Today he pinged me after I didn't talk to him for 2 days.. I can tell that its hard for him to not talk to me..What do I do? Can I just continue talking to him on a friendly level but not meet him and let him have pleasure of being with me? (when at the same time, hes at home having sex with wife and chatting with other girls) That's what I am thinking to do because its hard for me also to go no contact with him..Or do I just let the pain eat at me, and just leave it all together and not even bother being in contact with him?

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Yes, you do. You let it go. He sounds conflicted and confused. You sound like you are more invested than him. Just end it. You're not happy, and you don't need any reason other than that to end it. Trust your gut. Is he what you really want? Do you see him actually treating you right? Unless you are just in it for a fling, it doesn't sound like this affair is meeting your needs. And just my two cents, he sounds like a real jerk, showing you pix of other girls and stuff. I mean, he isn't even trying to make you happy. Dump!!!!

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You will be amazed at how fast no contact works, especially if you are the one who initiates it. It can be really hard to do, trust me, I know--but once done you will begin to heal and get your life together. And you'll wonder what on earth you saw in him.

 

 

 

Yes, We both are not going to divorce our spouses that's for sure..and I agree, what we are doing is not right.. I know we are in the wrong, but the attraction was so strong that we couldn't help it..But as I keep spending time, of course, hearing about his wife, etc, it is definitely going to effect me right? I mean how can it not? How can I continue having an affair with him and treat it casually without getting emotionally affected, when he talks about spouses? But isn't that stupid of hIM to do? he says im his lover, says he loves me , wants to be with me, etc etc.. which I do feel Is true..then why bring up other topics and people when we are together (ie, show me his FB messages with other girls etc)

 

Today he pinged me after I didn't talk to him for 2 days.. I can tell that its hard for him to not talk to me..What do I do? Can I just continue talking to him on a friendly level but not meet him and let him have pleasure of being with me? (when at the same time, hes at home having sex with wife and chatting with other girls) That's what I am thinking to do because its hard for me also to go no contact with him..Or do I just let the pain eat at me, and just leave it all together and not even bother being in contact with him?

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This guy isn't showing you any respect. His action trump his words.

 

My question is what's the end game here? You say you don't plan on leaving the marriage then what's the point of the affair? How will you react once your husband finds out?

 

One last thing, he is really showing you what kind of person he is. Your likely just a number to him. He has no respect for any of these women, you and his wife included. Most people in affairs I would guess aren't comfortable talking about their spouse while being sexual, he has no problem with that which kinda makes him sound like a sociopath. Truly lacks a conscience.

 

How does it make you feel about your husband when you lover keeps bringing him up while being sexual? This is all pretty odd, yet you continue.

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I know..there is no point of the affair.. he eventually spends time with me and goes home to wife.. That really hurts me..How can the same not hurt him? .i tell him theres no point and hes like why cant u be happy with what we have.. But aren't I right to end it? saying that theres no point and that the affair is just upsetting me, considering how he talks and acts? or am I being a "drama queen?" He asks me why I am making a drama of small things and ending it based on that..(ie, him bringing up my spouse when im trying to be close to him etc).. And then I start to regret/think if I made a good decision of saying I will not meet.. So please tell me, who is right here?

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I wouldn't say he talks about spouses to remind me of my role..because I do not doubt the fact that hes really into me, and he wants to be with me all the time and if he could, he would live with me.. and prolly marry me..so its not that he mentions them because he wants me to remind me of my place but its just stupid..hes just stupid to do that right? and that's another thing that upsets me.. like why should he have me on the side and then later I see pics on FB of him and his wife out enjoying, pics of his wife, etc..like she gets all the luxury with him and im just a meet by week basis, a kiss, love making session here and there.. that's it..so its like whats the point right? why wouldn't I end it right?

 

As he told you "how can I be jealous of your H?" This is the way he expects you to feel about him and his wife. I agree that he is keeping you in your place when he talks about his wife as well as other other women. If you really think he will marry you, test him and let us know. Yes you were right to break it off because you are a married woman and he is a married man. You will just fall deeper in love with him and he will not leave his wife for you in the end. He talks very disrespectful to you but what do you expect from a man who cheats on his wife?

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I don't want to have Ended it because of the fact that "I will fall deeper and deeper in love with him" that makes me more depressed and irritated, because why should I fall deeper for such a guy? I want the reason I End it to be because he is just a cheap, unworthy person, seen as silly and putting himself in an embarrassing situation.. I want to see him always in an embarrassing situation and disgust myself from him and then eventually stop liking him..So please don't say that I will fall deeper for him and that's why I need to end it... it should be because of his character, because of how he looks as a person that I end it..

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IfWishesWereHorses

You're all over the place and you aren't exactly being honest with yourself. Then you're placing the blame on him.

 

You say neither of you are getting married. You say you'd like to be with him all the time and that you're hurt when he leaves to go home to his wife. See? Both of those things can't coexist. You are either happy continuing the affair or you want to be together all the time. Which is it?

 

I get that he is sending mixed signals. The truth is that it's all a fantasy. That's how he can say those things. Jealous, not jealous, go make your husband happy, etc... It's all about living in the moment. It's not about a future, it's about how I feel right now. Hence him saying, can't we just be happy when we're together. The problem is, that's not what YOU want and you are trying to project your feelings onto him. He may adore you, but he doesn't share your feelings exactly. He gets something very different out of this than you do.

 

Forget about what HE wants, feels, is thinking. What do you want??? You can't have it both ways. (Be together forever, not leave each other, AND never divorce your partners). You are all caught up in "feelings". Well, feelings aren't logical. You can't go through life making decisions based on how you "feel" right now. Infact your feelings are all over the place. What do you realistically want? Answer that and you know what you should do.

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If he had decided to leave his wife and had really really forced me, I would consider it.. But it looks to me like he doesn't plan on doing that, because hes always like "it would be nice to have an OPEN relationship" with my wife..so basically he doesn't wanna leave her and just wants to have an open relation where he's allowed to see me (or other women).. I mean I don't know why but I feel upset, maybe because it feels like He doesn't love me enough to consider even saying that he wants to leave her or something..Not that I want him to..i would never ask him or tell him to..Anyways,so yea, so I also won't be divorcing as I have a kid...

 

So I guess what I want from this is that I would be happy to maintain the affair Provided he didn't always sound careless, talking about his wife, comparing her, saying shes "like this" and like that.. and telling me to go and give my hubby a "blow j**"..it makes it seem like he doesn't care about the two of us, and that makes me loose my connection to him and kills the mood and upsets me.. feels like im just some timepass hes with..and also I would be fine continuing provided he didn't chat with other ladies flirtingly but then again, I cant control that as im not the wife..so what to do? How can I continue like this if this is going to be his behavior? are all MMs like this or are there ones that actually just focus on the 2 of you, not bringing in spouses and other things and just focus on making moments between each other special? the best thing would be to tell him I don't want to see him, to save myself from emotional breakdown right? Am I right here or just making this a drama?

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I'm kinda getting the picture here, your even unwilling to talk about your husband or marriage here. Its almost like its not there, that 500 pound monkey in the room. You just dance around the issue..

 

Fact is you are both married and at some point you will have to deal with that. What I don't understand is why you stay with your husband. I fully expect you to once again avoid this question. But it won't just go away. You will have to deal with the betrayal at some point. It sounds to me like OM is starting to deal with the backside of this wonderful betrayal.

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If he had decided to leave his wife and had really really forced me, I would consider it.. But it looks to me like he doesn't plan on doing that, because hes always like "it would be nice to have an OPEN relationship" with my wife..so basically he doesn't wanna leave her and just wants to have an open relation where he's allowed to see me (or other women).. I mean I don't know why but I feel upset, maybe because it feels like He doesn't love me enough to consider even saying that he wants to leave her or something..Not that I want him to..i would never ask him or tell him to..Anyways,so yea, so I also won't be divorcing as I have a kid...

 

So I guess what I want from this is that I would be happy to maintain the affair Provided he didn't always sound careless, talking about his wife, comparing her, saying shes "like this" and like that.. and telling me to go and give my hubby a "blow j**"..it makes it seem like he doesn't care about the two of us, and that makes me loose my connection to him and kills the mood and upsets me.. feels like im just some timepass hes with..and also I would be fine continuing provided he didn't chat with other ladies flirtingly but then again, I cant control that as im not the wife..so what to do? How can I continue like this if this is going to be his behavior? are all MMs like this or are there ones that actually just focus on the 2 of you, not bringing in spouses and other things and just focus on making moments between each other special? the best thing would be to tell him I don't want to see him, to save myself from emotional breakdown right? Am I right here or just making this a drama?

 

Ha, now we are getting somewhere. The fact is you do want to run off with this guy. Him talking about your husband and his wife is showing you he doesn't want that. This is what is getting to you.

 

I think you sould allow your husband to have a say in the direction of his life. How about you tell him your deeply in love with another man and only stay for what he can give you and for the kids.

 

You won't do that because you know MM won't leave. You have tested that road and got your answer. So again I ask, why stay with your husband, its clear where your heart is and who your loyal to and its not the guy that put the ring on your finger.

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Not that I am not willing to talk about my marriage or husb- My marriage is going fine, it's just that I came across this guy and got attracted..I just want to know the answer to the question I asked above... FIrst I want to sort out my feelings about this MM and decide what I want to do and how to do it..

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Not that I am not willing to talk about my marriage or husb- My marriage is going fine, it's just that I came across this guy and got attracted..I just want to know the answer to the question I asked above... FIrst I want to sort out my feelings about this MM and decide what I want to do and how to do it..

 

I think the first thing you need to do is end the marriage. If another man is more of a factor then your husband to stay married then you owe it to your husband to do so (end what you've made a joke of), and frankly he deserves better.

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NO, the first thing I would need to do is end the affair, because I do value my husband and he's a good husb and father..I would think this is what you would advise! Being that the OM is just a jerk.. Yes, I know I am saying this myself..and I have decided not to continue with OM, so can I please get advise on how to STAY STRONG and STAY away from his manipulative ways and sweet talks and him lingering after me? and also, by leaving him because of his behavior and actions, I do not want it to seem that I am a drama queen here..cause He can stay without ending it, he is getting best of both worlds, so for him , what I am doing may seem silly.. I will admit, my feelings for him wont go away so easily, but I do want to break away I am determined.. wont this type of thing cause more Pain then JOy? especially being how he is?

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Your MM is able to separate love and sex. He isn't as attached to you emotionally as you are to him. He is able to put you out of his head when he needs to. You are unable to that. Men and women think differently and they handle emotions differently.

 

Not that I am not willing to talk about my marriage or husb- My marriage is going fine, it's just that I came across this guy and got attracted..I just want to know the answer to the question I asked above... FIrst I want to sort out my feelings about this MM and decide what I want to do and how to do it..

 

Tell MM that you are sick and tired of the lying and cheating, that is affecting you, your marriage and what you feel towards your husband. That the affair is pointless and has to end.

 

Get counseling to help you get stronger so you can finally end the affair.

 

NO, the first thing I would need to do is end the affair, because I do value my husband and he's a good husb and father..I would think this is what you would advise! Being that the OM is just a jerk.. Yes, I know I am saying this myself..and I have decided not to continue with OM, so can I please get advise on how to STAY STRONG and STAY away from his manipulative ways and sweet talks and him lingering after me? and also, by leaving him because of his behavior and actions, I do not want it to seem that I am a drama queen here..cause He can stay without ending it, he is getting best of both worlds, so for him , what I am doing may seem silly.. I will admit, my feelings for him wont go away so easily, but I do want to break away I am determined.. wont this type of thing cause more Pain then JOy? especially being how he is?

 

You block him. Email, phone, instant message, facebook and any other social media. Change your cell number if need be. Make it impossible for him to reach out to you.

 

Going no contact is FOR YOU. Not him. NC for you is giving yourself time to grieve and let go, detach and fix "you".

 

Nobody just 'has' an affair. It doesn't "just" happen. 5 months you made a continual choice day after day, week after week to have an affair and betray your husband, lie to him every single day. That isn't "it just happened".

 

You allowed feelings to grow because you put more energy, care and love into someone else, a MM than your own husband.

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Not that I am not willing to talk about my marriage or husb- My marriage is going fine, it's just that I came across this guy and got attracted..I just want to know the answer to the question I asked above... FIrst I want to sort out my feelings about this MM and decide what I want to do and how to do it..

 

No, your marriage is not fine, you are having an AFFAIR! You are in love with another man and your poor husband is working his butt off not knowing that his wife loves another. Why is sorting your feelings out about MM more important than your Husband? Your marriage is what you need to work on or divorce him. Don't keep him because you can't get the man you want.

 

BTW, the MM sounds like a player and he probably has more than one OW that's why he wants to make it clear where he stands.

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IfWishesWereHorses
If he had decided to leave his wife and had really really forced me, I would consider it.. But it looks to me like he doesn't plan on doing that, because hes always like "it would be nice to have an OPEN relationship" with my wife..so basically he doesn't wanna leave her and just wants to have an open relation where he's allowed to see me (or other women).. I mean I don't know why but I feel upset, maybe because it feels like He doesn't love me enough to consider even saying that he wants to leave her or something..Not that I want him to..i would never ask him or tell him to..Anyways,so yea, so I also won't be divorcing as I have a kid...

 

So I guess what I want from this is that I would be happy to maintain the affair Provided he didn't always sound careless, talking about his wife, comparing her, saying shes "like this" and like that.. and telling me to go and give my hubby a "blow j**"..it makes it seem like he doesn't care about the two of us, and that makes me loose my connection to him and kills the mood and upsets me.. feels like im just some timepass hes with..and also I would be fine continuing provided he didn't chat with other ladies flirtingly but then again, I cant control that as im not the wife..so what to do? How can I continue like this if this is going to be his behavior? are all MMs like this or are there ones that actually just focus on the 2 of you, not bringing in spouses and other things and just focus on making moments between each other special? the best thing would be to tell him I don't want to see him, to save myself from emotional breakdown right? Am I right here or just making this a drama?

 

What you are doing is not accepting the reality of the situation. You're saying that you want to continue the affair IF he was an upstanding guy who treated you like you were the most important part of his life and cherished you above all others. Unfortunately, THAT isn't an option. THAT isn't who you're having an affair with. You are wishing on a fantasy. How can you let go of a fantasy??? GET REAL with yourself! You also need to take a look in the mirror.

 

You say that he is awful for what he is doing? You are doing the exact same thing though. Putting aside what's right for something that makes you FEEL good. Isn't that what he's doing? Just because you want different things doesn't make one of you wrong and the other right. The end doesn't justify the means.

 

You are making life decisions that affect YOUR family based on your feelings about a fantasy. You refuse to see the reality because you're so wrapped up in what you want to believe. You have to deal with your own perception to end this affair.

 

If he doesn't respect your request for NC then you tell his wife! That'll put a damper on things for sure.

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I know you are gonna say it doesn't matter, but I want to know your opinion about this guy- MM. Even for a MM, doesn't he sound messed up? Prolly another MM, who knows, wouldn't be talking about spouses, and telling me to make love to my husb, etc.. when we are together.. HE says its fun to talk "kinky" but for me, it's like I loose the connection with him (I know I know, I shouldn't have it in the first place) but it happened.... What is your opinion of this guy?From my eyes, it seems as if he is just going looking for some love and attention wherever he can find it. If some other girl gave it to him, he would probably be In an affair with her right now too..Dont ya think? It's not anything about me being special or about him liking me genuienly (sp) is what I feel... be it the sad truth... ?

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