Jump to content

I need proper closure to get over my A


Recommended Posts

Ill try to summerize this as much as I can. I had a brief A with my husbands friend. We were only intimate 3 times. The rest of the 5 months were only communicating through our private Facebook page. I tried ending in 3 times, each time, he would contact me, and we would begin our sexting. But it was never as intense as it was. He said he felt to guilty toward my husband.

three weeks ago, he initiated it full force sexting and called me his lover and told me he loved being in this part of my life, blah blah . then he went on a week vacation with his family. He texted me about every other day. when he got back he said he would text me when he got back to work on that Tuesday (he works midnights and thats when we could text). I told him I couldnt text until that Friday when my H was working. He texted me two times again that week saying that he couldnt wait to catchup. Well, Friday came, never heard from him. He hasnt logged in at all.

I understand and I accept that we are over. I'm completely fine with that. I feel like this 3 week break that weve had, has done a world of wonders for me. But the fact that he is just going to completely stop, hurts me.

Part of me wants to text him on his regular phone number when i know hes at work,and ask whats the deal. But the one time i did that, he wasn't at work and his wife was sitting right next to him and reached for his phone.

On the other hand, I feel like maybe this is best. and i should delete the account. But i don't know if the fact that I'll always wonder what happend, if that will hurt and be harder to move on.

Hes doing work on our house Thursday, but I won't be there.

 

I need some advice, not bashing that I had the affair, of what I should do to properly move on.

 

thank you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I sounds like this is more for excitement. One pulling the other back of sorts.

 

Is there more to your A relationship?

 

I would not let yourself think by removing yourself from the situation will damage him. I think he played your feelings more than you think.

 

So if you are addicted, which can happen. You need to remove yourself and get over the attachment, as it is not healthy to replace what you are missing with something that is just a fix.

 

There is not weening, just say no and be done with it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Closure? No, you don't. Closure is a farce - it comes when you stop communicating with that person - that is closure!

 

You are married and have been pursuing your husbands friend.

 

Tell your husband your truth - he deserves to know.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

nikki...

 

I think closure comes from ourselves, not from the outside person. Sometimes there is just not going to be any way to know why another person did what they did, and no way to find out. I held on to hurt regarding a best friend for almost 20 years because our relationship ended and I never knew why. When my A ended, I could see the possibility of holding on to that hurt for years as well, that I would never know why he did or said certain things.

 

So I created my own closure, let those feelings go in both situations. Maybe I'm getting old, but I'm starting to see that there are some questions in life that I'm just never going to know the answers for. The above are two of them...and that is okay.

 

Good luck,

B

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I sounds like this is more for excitement. One pulling the other back of sorts.

 

Is there more to your A relationship?

 

I would not let yourself think by removing yourself from the situation will damage him. I think he played your feelings more than you think.

 

So if you are addicted, which can happen. You need to remove yourself and get over the attachment, as it is not healthy to replace what you are missing with something that is just a fix.

 

There is not weening, just say no and be done with it.

 

I totally agree that this was defiantly an addiction! I think part of me doesnt want to delete, because i'm hoping to hear from him again. because i want that fix/high.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I felt that in how things are with my SM. Though we found unconditional love first. Much later we became more physical in sharing our passions. I admit I enabled her passions that have been repressed for many years. Feeling them come alive is addicting in its self.

 

For you, you may find a way to build them passions back with your H.

 

Simple things like finding nice ways of showing your sexuality that tempts him.

 

Finding new knickers that you may have felt to naughty at one time. Though they are best used with a lacey nighty. Playing with body oils and lubes. Then once you got his attention, sext him when he is not expecting. Or interrupt his show with a sext and keep on until he meets you where you are in waiting.

 

SOrry if I seem so into the thoughts... I tend to be that way, taking wee ideas out and sharing them. So you can see stuff like that is all apart of sexual desires. A woman has them, just it is a shame most don't get the hunt they deserve, let alone they want.

 

You can turn it around, and make your relationship the best it has ever been.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I felt that in how things are with my SM. Though we found unconditional love first. Much later we became more physical in sharing our passions. I admit I enabled her passions that have been repressed for many years. Feeling them come alive is addicting in its self.

 

For you, you may find a way to build them passions back with your H.

 

Simple things like finding nice ways of showing your sexuality that tempts him.

 

Finding new knickers that you may have felt to naughty at one time. Though they are best used with a lacey nighty. Playing with body oils and lubes. Then once you got his attention, sext him when he is not expecting. Or interrupt his show with a sext and keep on until he meets you where you are in waiting.

 

SOrry if I seem so into the thoughts... I tend to be that way, taking wee ideas out and sharing them. So you can see stuff like that is all apart of sexual desires. A woman has them, just it is a shame most don't get the hunt they deserve, let alone they want.

 

You can turn it around, and make your relationship the best it has ever been.

 

Thats exactly what my i guess now xAP and I lack from our marriage, was that physical touch and affection.

I did reach out and tell my H how I felt there was no more spark and I did try sexting and lingerie and of course, he loved it. but i just don't feel that spark with him. Its so frustrating, that for YEARS, my husband would always want sex and i would usually turn him down. Now I want it all the time, and hes the one thats turning me down. he could go days without even touching me or hugging me. when we go to sleep, we sleep at opposite sides of the bed and give each other a peck goodnite. I want that passion, that attraction that lust.

Link to post
Share on other sites
whatatangledweb

Nikki, have you talked to your husband about the lack of sex and closeness? Is he afraid of being rejected or just got tired of being rejected over the years so he turned that part of him off? There is no way to know without talking about it.

 

There could be many reasons the MM stopped. Ask yourself honestly if there is a reason he could give you that would make you feel better?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I wonder if he has detached because he felt you did not want it before your light switch turned on for good.

 

Kind of felt inadequate because of past, now you must be passionate and allow him to see you take him in, by stimulating yourself and having him watch you climax. Hold his hand and guide him to feel you and be apart of your desires. Even if he may feel like he just can't get motivated. Tease him and tell him you want to please him, and see if he will allow you to pleasure him, even if you get him to finish before sex. Just allow him to feel you against him after he is done, and tell him you love him. So, it will be a few attempts in being his sex partner for him, then he should start feeling that he can please you as well.

 

He just needs a wee push in the right direction, you know what can be done and what can't at any given time.

 

Even if you can surprise him with a fondle her and a fondle there. Show him he has everything to pleasure you with.

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Proper closure" is something romanticized by movies. Hardly anyone gets proper closure, even non affairs.

 

Be glad it's done before any real damage happened. (You are lucky no spouse found out) forget about closure. It won't make you feel better anyhow.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints

The closure you seek will not come from him. It must come from you. It is an internal process. Slam that door shut and lock it.

 

Reopen yourself to your husband and commit yourself fully to your marriage.

 

I tend to advocate full disclosure and complete honesty and transparency. It's not easy, but I believe it is imperative to rebuilding a safe marriage for both of you.

 

Consider talking to a counselor to assist you through this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress

Believe it or not, closure won't help as much as you think it will, and proper closure may come with confessions and outing of the affair. I know it's hard and it's the first few weeks after the relationship that it hurts the most.

Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger

I think you need to define what it is you want- you know that its over, at least for now by his actions- do you want an explanation, another chance, to tell him off- what is it you are seeking-

 

I have a feeling what you want is to be needed and that could come from your husband through an honest conversation of what you want/need from your marriage-

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think you need to define what it is you want- you know that its over, at least for now by his actions- do you want an explanation, another chance, to tell him off- what is it you are seeking-

 

I have a feeling what you want is to be needed and that could come from your husband through an honest conversation of what you want/need from your marriage-

 

Those are good questions to ask myself. Part of me wants to tell him off for leading me on this last time around but the other part feels like I should just leave it. I will run into him again. Our familes are friends. It will be so awkward if I never get to say a proper goodbye.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not sure what you're upset about? Hurting that he is going to stop sexting you?

I understand and I accept that we are over. I'm completely fine with that. I feel like this 3 week break that weve had, has done a world of wonders for me. But the fact that he is just going to completely stop, hurts me.

 

He is your husband's (so called) friend and having an A with you. You say he feels so guilty, yet still pushed hard the sexting etc.. He has no respect for your husband or his wife. Are you friends with his wife too?

 

Not sure what closure he can give you? Closure comes within. Forgiving yourself for making a bad mistake that has caused harm to your husband, marriage and to his wife. Forgive him too, you're no worse or better than he is, you both went into the A very willingly.

 

Accept that it's best the A is over. That it was all ego based and on the expenses of your innocent spouses. That neither of you were gonna leave your spouses for each other and start over.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I totally agree that this was defiantly an addiction! I think part of me doesnt want to delete, because i'm hoping to hear from him again. because i want that fix/high.

 

He was/is a habit, a bad habit that you can and have to break right now.

 

This wasn't about love, nor genuine care - It was ego related, self serving and unhealthy. It wasn't based on mutual respect either.

 

If you focus on the negatives, that no good could ever come of it, it'll be easier for you to let go and RID of the desire for that addictive ego feed and how he made you feel.

 

He's a cancer, poison to you and your marriage. Just like you're poison to him and his marriage. together you two are toxic and creating (even though your H and his W are unaware) problems in your lives at home.

 

Get busy. Go be with women friends, find a passionate hobby to get your mind off of him. Spend time reconnecting and bonding with your husband.

 

Does your H have any clue/idea that you've had an A with his friend? Would you consider confessing to him?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints
Those are good questions to ask myself. Part of me wants to tell him off for leading me on this last time around but the other part feels like I should just leave it. I will run into him again. Our familes are friends. It will be so awkward if I never get to say a proper goodbye.

 

To me, the proper/perfect goodbye would be to simply walk away with some semblance of dignity and self respect intact.

 

He has given you the power to do that. Take it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress
Proper closure in a affair?

 

Maybe some farewell sex, a movie and dinner?

 

Seriously....

 

That's not really closure... That's a relationship. LoL!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
To me, the proper/perfect goodbye would be to simply walk away with some semblance of dignity and self respect intact.

 

He has given you the power to do that. Take it.

 

Exactly.

 

And, there's nothing 'proper' about an affair, so why have 'proper closure'. You both are on equal footing as you're both married. It's not like he lied and led you on, nor you him. This was an ego feed, a game of addiction.

 

Place some blame on yourself too, not just on him.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

After writing my post and reading some of the replies, I decided its finally time to delete our Facebook account. I also blocked him from my regular Facebook account. I thought I would be sad, but I'm relieved. No more wondering when/if hes going to message me.

 

Time to close that chapter of my life and move on and never look back.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
After writing my post and reading some of the replies, I decided its finally time to delete our Facebook account. I also blocked him from my regular Facebook account. I thought I would be sad, but I'm relieved. No more wondering when/if hes going to message me.

 

Time to close that chapter of my life and move on and never look back.

 

This is a great step to take! Congrats and you should feel very proud of yourself.

 

Does your husband suspect? How are you going to handle the dynamic since you all are friends and get together on occasion.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Your problems will really begin when your husband finds out that not only have you been cheating on him but that it is with a friend of his. You will have a lot more to worry about than your addiction to the illicit excitement.

If you think he does not want to have sex with you now, when the **** hits the can you might be worrying about his attorneys next contact instead of your boyfriend.

At this point you have gotten away with this. If you are smart you will end it and then make the hard decision to confess before he finds out down the road.

That is unlikely and you will most likely destroy your family for the high you are getting.

This is not beating you up . I am giving you sensible advice. But co think what you are looking for here is encouragement o. How to continue to betray your husband

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...