Didn't know I was the Other Woman

[Loveless77]

Long story short, I dated a former administrator at my job. He is young and successful, just like myself. After two years of dating and planning a wedding, I find out that he has an expecting wife and child. He lives alone and works away from his permanent home with his family, so it was easy for him to pull-off. He has his own place, which he lived alone, but would be out my house everyday for the past 2 years.

Oh, did I mention that former co-workers of mine have had relationships with him as well (approx 8) and one of my former co-workers is from his same small hometown and she informed me of his marital status.

I told him Thursday how much of a lying creep he was, he still never admitted it. We have not had any contact since. I know it is probably for the best, but I am sad because even though I was just a "game" to him, my love and wanting to be with him was my "reality" and it hurts, badly.

 

The past two days have been rough, I struggle to get out of bed and work, care for my child, I'm miserable.

Maybe, I'm sick for still loving him. I'm jealous because his wife has him all the time...I angry because I was not given a choice the past 2 years to be with a married man, I thought he was the man I would marry.... :sick::sick::

 

I know it may be crazy, but he has not contacted me at all since I confronted him on Thursday and it's driving me insane!!!. I knew it was true and that he was married by the way he quietly exited my house after confrontation.

Also that morning, he went to get breakfast to cook at 5 am that morning at the store around the corner, he did not come back until 8 am and he only came back with microwaveable sausages, egg whites and pancake batter- 3 hours for a 30 minute trip and then he did not eat much.

I've had my suspicions that he was meeting up with our former coworkers for hook-ups, even after I left that job, no one knew we where together, so when I would converse with people and ask about work, someone would bring him up and talk about the newest person he was sleeping with. Thursday while he was taking pictures of us with his phone, I glanced at the bottom of his camera scroll and saw pictures of all these different women (headshots).

 

Advice PLease

Edited September 22, 2014 by Loveless77

[whichwayisup]

He's sick. Twisted and sick. He isn't the man he led you to believe he was, not even close.

 

Make yourself feel thankful that it's over and he's not contacted you. He's slimy and a user!

 

WTF, did he think he was never gonna get caught? Wait a minute, compulsive liars and sicko's believe they will never get caught!

 

Don't envy his wife, she has no clue what sort of man she's married to.

 

Have you thought about contacting her and telling her that he led you to believe he was single, planned to marry you? Just something to think about it.

[Donesharing]

 

Advice PLease

 

You should tell her. I am in the middle of that drama right now. But, as much as it hurts that he is throwing me under the bus, the more I realize she needed to know. If she stays with him, that is her fault when he does it again. At least I got myself out of the disaster. It is hard to understand though that someone could look you and the eye and make promises and say they love you. It is a horrible feeling to find out what a lie everything turned out to be.

[Loveless77]

I thought about contacting her through facebook, which I found via a former co-worker. I have countless evidence letters, texts. Now that I think about it, I believe he is a sociopath, always calm, charming, can talk his way out of anything, he is always calm, cool and collected, he never got angry, even during arguments, he would just go into another room.

[Donesharing]

I thought about contacting her through facebook, which I found via a former co-worker. I have countless evidence letters, texts. Now that I think about it, I believe he is a sociopath, always calm, charming, can talk his way out of anything, he is always calm, cool and collected, he never got angry, even during arguments, he would just go into another room.

 

That is the same as my AP. Never got upset when I was upset, always very calm and sweet. I contacted his BW through FB last Saturday. I know she is so hurt, but now she knows and she can make a decision. Although, they both are being mean to me. They want me to be the bad guy and him the victim. He is throwing me under the bus like I never imagined. It's incredible.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I thought about contacting her through facebook, which I found via a former co-worker. I have countless evidence letters, texts. Now that I think about it, I believe he is a sociopath, always calm, charming, can talk his way out of anything, he is always calm, cool and collected, he never got angry, even during arguments, he would just go into another room.

 

Did you honestly have no idea? Not even a suspicion? If she was so easy to track down via Facebook and coworkers knew of his marital status, I am just curious how well compartmentalized he truly is.

 

Give it time before you decide to tell or not tell the wife... Right now, it seems like an act of revenge disguised as altruism and concern. And honestly, if he's dated around so openly and so through his work, and the people at work know he's married, chances are she knows he's wandering around behind her back. Let him ruin his marriage, don't worry about doing it for him. Unless there's an issue like STDs, pregnancy, financial entanglements/responsibilities that were shared, don't reach out to her just now. Wait for a clear head. And wait for when you can handle the flood of emotions, renewed pain, and anger when he will inevitably say it's all your fault and you preyed on him.

Edited September 22, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[Loveless77]

Well one of the coworkers was from the same town he was from and she worked with him their, when the company expanded they relocated him and made him an administrator, so she knew all about his lying and deception. We never told about our relationship, Im a private person and I guess that was what he wanted.

There were rumors that he was sleeping with other co-workers, including my former boss (who was married as well and eventually became pregnant). I did notice that they were always going to lunch together, working late together and hanging out together. Shutting the office door.

He did admit to sleeping with one of the former co-workers way before we got together, but only because I had to many details and the girl talked to much (to other co-workers and told).

 

I'm just hoping that one of the others that is in his hometown, tells her about his doggish ways. I have a feeling that she has been through this before though

[whichwayisup]

Did you honestly have no idea? Not even a suspicion? If she was so easy to track down via Facebook and coworkers knew of his marital status, I am just curious how well compartmentalized he truly is.

 

Give it time before you decide to tell or not tell the wife... Right now, it seems like an act of revenge disguised as altruism and concern. And honestly, if he's dated around so openly and so through his work, and the people at work know he's married, chances are she knows he's wandering around behind her back. Let him ruin his marriage, don't worry about doing it for him. Unless there's an issue like STDs, pregnancy, financial entanglements/responsibilities that were shared, don't reach out to her just now. Wait for a clear head. And wait for when you can handle the flood of emotions, renewed pain, and anger when he will inevitably say it's all your fault and you preyed on him.

 

After two years of dating and planning a wedding

 

I think planning a wedding should be enough reason for her to tell his wife. She is innocent in all this, she had no idea that he was married. His wife deserves to know the truth. This isn't about revenge at the end of the day, it's about the truth. Imagine if she hadn't found out he was married and she married him?! That's a true double life, stuff movies are made of!

 

why should this innocent wife now be kept in the dark?

[Redheaded Mistress]

 

I think planning a wedding should be enough reason for her to tell his wife. She is innocent in all this, she had no idea that he was married. His wife deserves to know the truth. This isn't about revenge at the end of the day, it's about the truth. Imagine if she hadn't found out he was married and she married him?! That's a true double life, stuff movies are made of!

 

why should this innocent wife now be kept in the dark?

 

I just don't think that after being crossed by somebody who's now an ex, the best thing to do is to go out and unload on his wife about how you're upset you're dumped because he would rather be married, but disguising it as "we had an affair and I felt bad for you so I am telling you everything." She will think you're either a liar or crazy, he will think you're trying to seek out revenge (which is actually a very valid observation), and they'll both turn on you.

 

Or, say you do tell her and now they get a divorce. Then what? She has the information, but do you know that she feels she's been helped out by having it? Plenty of women would rather not know and be in the marriage they have as opposed to having a strange woman come out of nowhere with information designed to hurt her, hurt or break the marriage, and it's wrapped up in a package of supposedly "doing the right thing."

 

I think that turning around and telling the wife is the exact opposite of getting out of it and moving on. It's getting out the big guns and jumping in with both feet. She'll figure it out eventually, one way or another. And if she doesn't, then she's happy with the way things are and it's not up to you to give her information she may not want so she can has the opportunity to dump him and hurt him like he dumped and hurt you.

 

And if the revelation comes hot on the heels of a breakup, it's going to be seen as revenge. Rightly so.

 

So many people say the reason they want out of the affair is because they don't want to be the one who may ruin the marriage. So why disclose it and go from the guilt of maybe destroying the marriage to the certainty that you did all you could to make sure it was destroyed? You don't engage in the affair because you don't want to hurt the wife, and to prove it, you disclose everything and hurt the wife with the hopes that her "informed decision" means he hurts too?

[Loveless77]

Maybe I will eventually, but I just need to get myself together first. I'm a wreck. Although, Im not his wife, I was duped too...

[Redheaded Mistress]

Maybe I will eventually, but I just need to get myself together first. I'm a wreck. Although, Im not his wife, I was duped too...

 

I asked earlier but I think it got lost in the shuffle... But did you truly have not even have a slightest clue he was married? Because if you had co-workers he dated that knew and you obviously kept up with, you openly dated and were openly planning a wedding, and his wife is easily tracked down via Facebook through yet another co-worker, it seems to me that his life wasn't really all that compartmentalized very well. And you suspected he was cheating on you and saw evidence of it on his phone...

 

I guess I'm not following along with how he could have kept this so well hidden when, truthfully, he seems a bit sloppy about it. I mean, if I met a former co-worker who was planning a wedding to a guy we all knew was married, I'd ask a question or two.

[Donesharing]

Maybe I will eventually, but I just need to get myself together first. I'm a wreck. Although, Im not his wife, I was duped too...

 

It has to feel horrible to find out that he was married and you were planning a life together. What a scum bag.

[Loveless77]

I didn't know he was married. He had his own apt and lived alone. Matter of fact he was at my place all the time. He would leave for work that morning. I would arrive for 2nd shift, he would stay through my shift and then we would leave. No one even knew we were together.

This other lady the coworker- they worked at the same company and he was her boss prior for 1 year. When the company opened a new office, he was promoted and relocated, the lady she relocated too, so everything that she knew about him and that he was doing at the new office, she would say, "he has been doing that", and he was in the same city with his wife and kid at the time.

So when everyone was suspected him of sleeping with multiple people at the job, including the big rumor that he got my married boss pregnant, the co-worker who knew him from their hometown just let everyone know that it was nothing new.

I'm not from that town, we live a few hours away from there. So he was living the single life, when in fact he had a wife (now pregnant) and a kid a few hours away, he lived away from them.

 

When I left the job, I kept in touch with a few people and as of recently, they ended up demoting him and asking him to relocate, which he declined and took a severance package, his mother took ill and he went back home.

I live in the area near prominent hospitals, so when they airlifted his mother to the hospital, I would stay with him at the hotel near the hospital. He would sent me pictures of her and ask me what was going on with her status (I work in the medical field), they would call and update me with symptoms and I would advise both him and his mother), well sadly she passed away 3 weeks ago and he just got through the funeral and handling her estate.

 

I saw him the other day, which is when I confronted him. SO now I guess he is back with his wife..

[carhill]

The only case I can make for presenting evidence would be based on his wife apparently being pregnant and expecting, so he was having sexual relations concurrently with multiple women and it sounds like more than just the OP and his wife, so there is the factor of STD's and potential ramifications for the wife and child.

 

If doing anything, I'd probably collate the evidence into an organized form and have a courier deliver it, preferably when it is known the man is away from his home. Not doubt it might be hurtful and at a sensitive time, being pregnant, but I'd err on the side of physical safety.

 

OP, I went through this decades ago with a MW, though not nearly to the depth and length of how you were deceived, and can empathize. My takeaway was two-fold. One, you'll heal from this and, two, it changes you. Sorry for your experience.

[Loveless77]

Thanks. I do not know where he lives, but I was told when I went out of town to training for that company a few years back, we trained at the old facility to prepare us to work at the new one, well the hotel we stayed in his wife was the manager there. So I know where she works.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Thanks. I do not know where he lives, but I was told when I went out of town to training for that company a few years back, we trained at the old facility to prepare us to work at the new one, well the hotel we stayed in his wife was the manager there. So I know where she works.

 

Don't send her something like this at work. Getting information like this publicly, at the place where she works where her reaction could compromise her job, is insult to injury. And if she works somewhere that she has an assistant or is a manager, it's very possible somebody else opens and forwards her mail which means that what was private could now be workplace gossip... And any pretense of "just trying to help," which is arguably not there to begin with, is completely void.

 

And sorry about the questions about if you had any clue about it... It just seems that with relatively little searching, you're able to find her Facebook, know where she works, and identify mutual friends as well as past coworkers and friends who knew of his status. I suspect he honestly thought you knew you were the other woman as it doesn't seem like he took great effort to hide it and all the information about him and his wife is really easy to find.

 

But I'll say again, I think passing it on to his spouse, especially as she's pregnant, is not something you should do. This has the potential to ruin her marriage, ruin the joy of her pregnancy and create issues there, as well as further entrench you in the situation you say you want out of. Cut your losses, cut your ties, and vanish.

[peaksandvalleys]

I just don't think that after being crossed by somebody who's now an ex, the best thing to do is to go out and unload on his wife about how you're upset you're dumped because he would rather be married, but disguising it as "we had an affair and I felt bad for you so I am telling you everything." She will think you're either a liar or crazy, he will think you're trying to seek out revenge (which is actually a very valid observation), and they'll both turn on you.

 

Or, say you do tell her and now they get a divorce. Then what? She has the information, but do you know that she feels she's been helped out by having it? Plenty of women would rather not know and be in the marriage they have as opposed to having a strange woman come out of nowhere with information designed to hurt her, hurt or break the marriage, and it's wrapped up in a package of supposedly "doing the right thing."

 

I think that turning around and telling the wife is the exact opposite of getting out of it and moving on. It's getting out the big guns and jumping in with both feet. She'll figure it out eventually, one way or another. And if she doesn't, then she's happy with the way things are and it's not up to you to give her information she may not want so she can has the opportunity to dump him and hurt him like he dumped and hurt you.

 

And if the revelation comes hot on the heels of a breakup, it's going to be seen as revenge. Rightly so.

 

So many people say the reason they want out of the affair is because they don't want to be the one who may ruin the marriage. So why disclose it and go from the guilt of maybe destroying the marriage to the certainty that you did all you could to make sure it was destroyed? You don't engage in the affair because you don't want to hurt the wife, and to prove it, you disclose everything and hurt the wife with the hopes that her "informed decision" means he hurts too?

 

 

I had to comment on this. Yes. I did figure it out eventually. After I had children with him. Started a business with him. Bought homes with him. Planned my life around his dreams. After he stole and put my and our children's financial health in jeopardy. Yes I did figure it out. After the majority of the years of my life were over. I can't go back. My choices were stolen from me. People who knew and decided the same thing as you stated can't even look me in the face now. They can't look at my children because their pain is too much for them to bear. Some of them have even told me they knew for sometime but figured I knew or would "figure it out". How kind of them.

 

I have to admit I do find this thought pattern unreal. I can't understand it. Those people allowed him to expose me to diseases though they knew I had chronic health issues that an STD would and did have a huge impact on my quality of life. So yes I agree with you it is possible that she will eventually find it out. Maybe sooner. Maybe later. Maybe after he dies. Who knows? But to watch someone be abused and decide to do nothing is unconscionable in my eyes.

[HBIC]

I told the W.

 

I told her for a lot of reasons (look at a recent post of mine for the details). I agree 100% with the idea that a W deserves to know who she is married to.

 

What she chooses to do with that information is totally up to her.

 

No matter what you do, remember to conduct yourself with empathy toward her. As to your exMM, agreed that he is a psychopath. You are extremely lucky you can move on without entanglement.

[herself]

This may be my first time ever on the boards suggesting a wife be told.

I think since she is pregnant her family will be even more sympathetic to taking her in.

She can then have the distraction and comfort of the baby to heal.

If this was his only A but theres been so many.

He doesn't deserve the place to live and the doting wife.

[whichwayisup]

Don't send her something like this at work. Getting information like this publicly, at the place where she works where her reaction could compromise her job, is insult to injury. And if she works somewhere that she has an assistant or is a manager, it's very possible somebody else opens and forwards her mail which means that what was private could now be workplace gossip... And any pretense of "just trying to help," which is arguably not there to begin with, is completely void.

 

And sorry about the questions about if you had any clue about it... It just seems that with relatively little searching, you're able to find her Facebook, know where she works, and identify mutual friends as well as past coworkers and friends who knew of his status. I suspect he honestly thought you knew you were the other woman as it doesn't seem like he took great effort to hide it and all the information about him and his wife is really easy to find.

 

But I'll say again, I think passing it on to his spouse, especially as she's pregnant, is not something you should do. This has the potential to ruin her marriage, ruin the joy of her pregnancy and create issues there, as well as further entrench you in the situation you say you want out of. Cut your losses, cut your ties, and vanish.

 

Why are you so against this innocent woman having the truth about her husband and marriage? Her husband was planning on marrying someone else while still married! What if your MM turned exMM, now spouse had an affair behind your back, made it seem like he was single, and starting planning a wedding? Would you want to know the truth so you can decide for yourself if you want to give him a chance to prove himself worthy of fixing things or choose to divorce him? It is not cool at all to allow his wife to be kept in the dark.

 

This isn't her fault either , the original poster. She had no clue he was already married, so she was duped by him, just like his wife is being duped by him now.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks. I do not know where he lives, but I was told when I went out of town to training for that company a few years back, we trained at the old facility to prepare us to work at the new one, well the hotel we stayed in his wife was the manager there. So I know where she works.

 

Send her your name, email address and number, ask her to call you after work as it's very important and it's something that can't be discussed while she's at work.

 

Telling her while she's at work isn't a good idea, for obvious reasons.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I had to comment on this. Yes. I did figure it out eventually. After I had children with him. Started a business with him. Bought homes with him. Planned my life around his dreams. After he stole and put my and our children's financial health in jeopardy. Yes I did figure it out. After the majority of the years of my life were over. I can't go back. My choices were stolen from me. People who knew and decided the same thing as you stated can't even look me in the face now. They can't look at my children because their pain is too much for them to bear. Some of them have even told me they knew for sometime but figured I knew or would "figure it out". How kind of them.

 

The thing is, I just don't think it's up to the other person to save the cheated on spouse from their marriage, especially when the ultimate goal is to get out of the situation. In the end, the hurt comes from what your husband did, not from the failure of the people around him to warn you or convince you that he was having an affair and ultimately it's not up to them to save you from your marriage or husband. The people around you owe you no loyalty in managing your relationship with your husband, and they shouldn't be expected to.

 

I think when exiting an affair and deciding to discontinue being entangled in it, it's not deciding to do so after making some parting shots at the family your partner is with and deciding that your conscious demands you tell. If it was well enough to leave it alone during the height of the affair, deciding after it's over that now's the time to cause maximum damage and then throw up your hands and say "but I don't want to be involved anymore" doesn't do anybody any favors. It reeks of retaliation and revenge, trying to hurt others as much as you're hurt, and not of any sort of clearing of a conscious.

 

I have to admit I do find this thought pattern unreal. I can't understand it. Those people allowed him to expose me to diseases though they knew I had chronic health issues that an STD would and did have a huge impact on my quality of life. So yes I agree with you it is possible that she will eventually find it out. Maybe sooner. Maybe later. Maybe after he dies. Who knows? But to watch someone be abused and decide to do nothing is unconscionable in my eyes.

 

Is it better to be helping to drive the car that's going to run into somebody, or to stop, say you can't do it anymore, then jump out of the car and push that same person in front of the car before saying "it's for your own good" and walking away absolved of the guilt of being behind the wheel?

 

In the end, considering all that goes wrong with letting somebody know their spouse is cheating, even with the "out of concern for you" line, is inviting more stress, more entanglement, more involvement, more messiness, more retaliation. If the goal is to be done of it all, wash your hands of your involvement, move on with your life and no longer participate in something that might hurt somebody, seeking out the spouse of the person you're having an affair with to tell them will not help you meet that goal. And it's conflicting to say "I want out of the affair because the risk of hurting somebody is too high... So I'm going to tell them, make absolutely sure I hurt them, and walk away to let you deal with the mess... Don't get in touch with me anymore though, I don't want to be involved." Be in and ready for what happens when somebody gets hurt, or be in and be honest up front that you're in, or get out and be out and no longer involved.

[peaksandvalleys]

The thing is, I just don't think it's up to the other person to save the cheated on spouse from their marriage, especially when the ultimate goal is to get out of the situation. In the end, the hurt comes from what your husband did, not from the failure of the people around him to warn you or convince you that he was having an affair and ultimately it's not up to them to save you from your marriage or husband. The people around you owe you no loyalty in managing your relationship with your husband, and they shouldn't be expected to.

 

I think when exiting an affair and deciding to discontinue being entangled in it, it's not deciding to do so after making some parting shots at the family your partner is with and deciding that your conscious demands you tell. If it was well enough to leave it alone during the height of the affair, deciding after it's over that now's the time to cause maximum damage and then throw up your hands and say "but I don't want to be involved anymore" doesn't do anybody any favors. It reeks of retaliation and revenge, trying to hurt others as much as you're hurt, and not of any sort of clearing of a conscious.

 

 

 

Is it better to be helping to drive the car that's going to run into somebody, or to stop, say you can't do it anymore, then jump out of the car and push that same person in front of the car before saying "it's for your own good" and walking away absolved of the guilt of being behind the wheel?

 

In the end, considering all that goes wrong with letting somebody know their spouse is cheating, even with the "out of concern for you" line, is inviting more stress, more entanglement, more involvement, more messiness, more retaliation. If the goal is to be done of it all, wash your hands of your involvement, move on with your life and no longer participate in something that might hurt somebody, seeking out the spouse of the person you're having an affair with to tell them will not help you meet that goal. And it's conflicting to say "I want out of the affair because the risk of hurting somebody is too high... So I'm going to tell them, make absolutely sure I hurt them, and walk away to let you deal with the mess... Don't get in touch with me anymore though, I don't want to be involved." Be in and ready for what happens when somebody gets hurt, or be in and be honest up front that you're in, or get out and be out and no longer involved.

 

 

So it is about self preservation? I don't understand that either. I had children who needed their mother. Having me exposed to something that increased my chances of not being with them for as long as I could was okay as long as their in no more entanglement, goal meeting, messiness, stress, retaliation, involvement or whatever else it should be called. As if exposing someone to STD's isn't shoving them into oncoming traffic without warning. Not telling me did not stop any of the things you listed from happening but it did increase the severity of what happened.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Why are you so against this innocent woman having the truth about her husband and marriage? Her husband was planning on marrying someone else while still married! What if your MM turned exMM, now spouse had an affair behind your back, made it seem like he was single, and starting planning a wedding? Would you want to know the truth so you can decide for yourself if you want to give him a chance to prove himself worthy of fixing things or choose to divorce him? It is not cool at all to allow his wife to be kept in the dark.

 

So if a former coworker of my husband came to me and said my husband was presenting himself as single man, they were dating, and they were planning to get married, and she was one in a string of women who he's dated, one of a few things would happen:

 

First thing, I'd think she is lying about not knowing he was married. She knew where to find me, she was a co-worker of my husband, other co-workers know he's married, and she managed to find me to tell me rather easily, so right off the bat, I have a suspicion about her lying, at the very least, lying about being unwittingly in an affair as opposed to a knowing participant. Then, I'd ask my husband. Almost certainly he'd say he didn't know who she was, or he did know but she was a crazy woman who's been bothering him. Maybe he'd even say the transfer/demotion was so he could get away from her, if he was smart. Then maybe she'd get an email back letting her know that she was nuts, I'd block her, and then deal with the trust issues that have now arisen as a result of this revelation from somebody I have no reason to think is anything but one of my husband's discontent subordinate from work. So now she's either out of sight, out of mind, and that's it. Or, if she doesn't take to being blocked and still reaches out, now I know she's crazy and I believe almost nothing she says.

 

Or maybe I confront him, me still thinking she's kind of loopy, and he admits he's having an affair. Now I have a woman who he's had an affair with who I think is out for revenge because their relationship soured because, again, there's no way I'm going to believe in any of these scenarios that she didn't know. So now I've not just got the cheating husband, but the crazy ex affair partner I have to deal with. I'll be wondering if I have to get a restraining order, which if she contacts me again, I'd consider, or if she's going to vanish into the night making the whole thing disruptive to my life and confusing. If I get a divorce, I'm going to hammer her with lawyers, legal action, and if necessary force her to participate in the divorce process so I can declare fault and get any restitution I'm owed. Finding her even if she vanishes won't be hard, if I'm easy to track down, so is she. And at no point would I be saying "Gosh, I'm so grateful she told me this. My life is so much better and easier now as a result of this information." And while I'd be undoubtedly making her life hell and very probably adding to her life stress and financial burdens and maybe even unintentionally ruining her reputation, I wouldn't care. She wants to involve herself, I'll go ahead and make sure she stays involved.

 

Or, the third and most likely scenario... He has his own place, an unstable job, and is gone all the time. He's openly cheated with other people at work, is a serial dater, and even with the girls he cheats with, he cheats on. I already know he's cheating, either I don't care or we're otherwise not invested with each other, and I could really give two craps about the lady who's calling me after the relationship soured ratting him out over what I know he does already. My interest in the girl who's telling me "for my own good" what he's doing so she can have a "clean conscious" is just another in a long string, I don't care she's upset over the relationship ending, and if she's coming to me for vindication she won't find it.

 

In all scenarios, her doing it for my own good would never enter my mind. I'd think they had a fight, they broke up, whatever the case may be, and so now she's getting back at him by hitting his easy weak spot... Me as the wife. I would never buy the woman who had no problem keeping a secret while it was an affair is now so morally driven that she just has to tell me. I'd think it's selfish trying to remove her own guilt or revenge. I'd think that it makes no sense you cared so much about my feelings that you have to tell me now that it's over, but had no problem not telling me while it was on... Because again, in no scenario as the wife in this am I ever going to believe she didn't know.

 

This isn't her fault either , the original poster. She had no clue he was already married, so she was duped by him, just like his wife is being duped by him now.

 

We still don't know the wife is being duped. He is openly cheating and his marital status as well as his status as somebody who gets around is well known. Even if we look to this poster who said she was planning to marry him, she said she suspected he was cheating, even found pictures. It wasn't until one of their mutual friends said that he was married that she ended the relationship. So she passively was acknowledging that he cheats on her too without changing life plans and future goals with him either. Who knows if the wife doesn't feel the same?

 

And even if she doesn't, I'm not convinced that telling her has anything to do with her own good and not getting back at him by attacking the only thing she has left to attack, the wife. The general consensus seems to be that she's innocent, so exacting control on him by going after the uninvolved wife, like I said, it seems like revenge. It's a move that you know will have the potential to ruin the marriage, ruin her pregnancy and the enjoyment of the birth of their child, and if it's delivered at work, her job and her reputation as well. It's not something to be considered as lightly as people here are, and certainly not something that will likely be met with praise and thank yous for improving her marital life by giving her information under the pretense it's for her own good, but ultimately is done with the hopes that she'll see her husband is a jerk.

Edited September 22, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[Redheaded Mistress]

So it is about self preservation? I don't understand that either. I had children who needed their mother. Having me exposed to something that increased my chances of not being with them for as long as I could was okay as long as their in no more entanglement, goal meeting, messiness, stress, retaliation, involvement or whatever else it should be called. As if exposing someone to STD's isn't shoving them into oncoming traffic without warning. Not telling me did not stop any of the things you listed from happening but it did increase the severity of what happened.

 

If it was about self preservation, there wouldn't have been an affair.

 

If the concern was STDs, I'd know that I have none so the chance you'd have gotten any because of our affair together would be slim-to-none, making not an excuse for telling. Saying that somebody else he might have slept with might have one, that's really reaching honestly. It doesn't involve you either as the other person. It involves him and that OW, but not you. If you wouldn't reach out to every other suspected OW and say "he's cheating with me and other people, he could have STDs," you wouldn't reach out to the wife and tell her the same. And if the complaint is that you could have gotten one, there's no scenario out there where I'd ever care if my husband's cheating on the girl he's cheating with would have gotten her an STD and I still don't care from hearing about her or it or the affair.

Edited September 22, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress