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death in MM's family


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 16th October 2014, 11:06 PM   #61
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I know this isn't about me but I also think this isn't the right time to end it with him now either because of him being in mourning. I'm just having a rough time not knowing how to console a grieving person when you can't do the normal things because of being the OW. I can't call him whenever I want, I can't show up to his house or bring him food, I can't do errands for him, I can't do any of the things bereavement sites tell you how to support a griever.

And it's fine that his actions are saying he doesn't need or want me. If the day comes when he's feeling better and he decides he wants to see me again, I will be enforcing how I should be treated.

The frustrating part was that he really was getting better at not ignoring me and he was even planning on taking me out like I've been wanting. But now I'm back to not existing.

I am giving him space. I'm not going to attempt to call or text anymore especially since his actions says it's unwanted and if I run into him, I'm just going to be courteous and keep walking.
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Old 16th October 2014, 11:18 PM   #62
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At this point, I'd text to say I need to know what's going on. I'd say I get he says things are "still on," but because that contradicts what he's doing and the reality of how you interact now. You need answers or, at the very least, a reason why you're not hearing from him.

As for supposed glimmers in his eye... You can't go by what you think you see because you'll see what you want to see. You have to go by the reality of the relationship by what he says and how he acts. A glimmer in the eye has more to do with you than what he thinks or feels.
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Old 16th October 2014, 11:25 PM   #63
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I know this isn't about me but I also think this isn't the right time to end it with him now either because of him being in mourning. I'm just having a rough time not knowing how to console a grieving person when you can't do the normal things because of being the OW. I can't call him whenever I want, I can't show up to his house or bring him food, I can't do errands for him, I can't do any of the things bereavement sites tell you how to support a griever.

And it's fine that his actions are saying he doesn't need or want me. If the day comes when he's feeling better and he decides he wants to see me again, I will be enforcing how I should be treated.

The frustrating part was that he really was getting better at not ignoring me and he was even planning on taking me out like I've been wanting. But now I'm back to not existing.

I am giving him space. I'm not going to attempt to call or text anymore especially since his actions says it's unwanted and if I run into him, I'm just going to be courteous and keep walking.
When will you get, that you're not his priority or first thought? He doesn't care that your thinking of him. Your affair will continue...if you allow more of the same. Please, want more for yourself. He doesn't care.
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Old 16th October 2014, 11:29 PM   #64
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To clarify the glimmer, before I saw and greeted him, I heard others were saying hi to him and he replied back grumpily. I agree that one can see what we want but another person commented to me later that his whole demeanor changed when I walked around the corner to greet him so it wasn't just me that noticed the glimmer.
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Old 16th October 2014, 11:35 PM   #65
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To clarify the glimmer, before I saw and greeted him, I heard others were saying hi to him and he replied back grumpily. I agree that one can see what we want but another person commented to me later that his whole demeanor changed when I walked around the corner to greet him so it wasn't just me that noticed the glimmer.
It's not going to change, is it? If you're satisfied with the treatment you've been given, then go with it. I don't think you are, or you wouldn't be posting here to complete strangers. He treats you horribly. It's not going to magically change.

I pretend you're my adult daughter, and what advice I'd give her. STOP. RUN.
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Old 16th October 2014, 11:40 PM   #66
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I know and I can't talk to him about what's bothering me or what's making me unhappy because he'll just come up with more excuses or say I'm misinterpreting. It's lose lose.
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Old 16th October 2014, 11:48 PM   #67
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I know and I can't talk to him about what's bothering me or what's making me unhappy because he'll just come up with more excuses or say I'm misinterpreting. It's lose lose.
Then let it go. Cut your losses. He has shown you multiple times that your feelings mean nothing. Just go already. I'm sure it's hard, heartbreaking. He doesn't care about you. He cares about himself. Some affairs are exit. I get that. This affair isn't. He's not leaving. I'm so sorry.

You have to move on.
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Old 17th October 2014, 12:25 AM   #68
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I know and I can't talk to him about what's bothering me or what's making me unhappy because he'll just come up with more excuses or say I'm misinterpreting. It's lose lose.
Then honestly, you have no relationship at all.

Think about what you typed long and hard.

When any situation causes me to be unhappy it's time for me to take action to make sure it's over.
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Old 17th October 2014, 6:28 PM   #69
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Scarlet,


I feel badly posting this because I think it will hurt you but I also feel like someone needs to say it. I believe your relationship is over. I think he's trying to be a nice guy and "let you down easy" by not replying but not also telling you face-to-face that it's truly over.


Please, please, please don't waste any more time on him. When I see you post something about how when he starts responding you're going to tell him he needs to be more available, I cringe at how needy and sad that sounds. This is going to hurt and it's going to hurt for awhile, but please accept that it's actually over.
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Old 17th October 2014, 8:45 PM   #70
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You say now isn't a good time to have the conversation of ending it, due to his loss. Actually now is the perfect time. You will be easing him of a very stressful part of his life, whether he wants it to be over or not.
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Old 17th October 2014, 8:56 PM   #71
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Serious question Scarlet.... How do you do what you do as the OW, and still front up to Church? How do you reconcile your actions with your religion?

No judgment... I'm an OW too, but I am curious about people who want to be religious but choose adultery.
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Old 17th October 2014, 9:11 PM   #72
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To clarify the glimmer, before I saw and greeted him, I heard others were saying hi to him and he replied back grumpily. I agree that one can see what we want but another person commented to me later that his whole demeanor changed when I walked around the corner to greet him so it wasn't just me that noticed the glimmer.
None of this matters at all.

Quit making something out of nothing.

He hasn't called or communicated and he has no plans to see you.

It's over.

Let it die a natural death by moving forward. He needs his own space to process a death of a loved one.

Since he acts like he doesn't need you now - believe it.
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Old 17th October 2014, 9:26 PM   #73
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Serious question Scarlet.... How do you do what you do as the OW, and still front up to Church? How do you reconcile your actions with your religion?

No judgment... I'm an OW too, but I am curious about people who want to be religious but choose adultery.

You can't do it honestly as it is a giant hypocrisy that can and has brought more than one church to its knees.
Think about it, per the Bible (God's living Word to us)it is the only sin where God states the Marriage can be disolved and the cheaters put to death(check out Deuteronomy and John) in others places in it is forbidden with punishment of never entering Heaven.

I think that's why I get so jacked up about the Great Hypocrisy of cheaters in the church. It's the biggest crock there is and slap in the face to God Himself.

Cheat if you're going to cheat but for Heaven's sake Leave God out of as He wants nothing to do with You while you're committing this atrocity while declaring you love and abide by Him.
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Old 17th October 2014, 9:57 PM   #74
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Thanks CIH.... I'm actually athiest, so it's not my dilemma. I was in a brief EA with a man who was religious... Church every Sunday and bible studies during the week.... In the end I just couldn't deal with his 'hipocracy' as you put it.

But I curious about Scarlets internal monologue that tells what she does is OK with her God... So much so she has a relationship of sorts with MMs family THROUGH the Church... Smacks of all sorts of wrong.

Scarlet what kind of lies are you tellin YOURSELF to allow you to behave this way?

I would NEVERchoose to be in he same space as MMs family. EVER, much less interact with them.
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Old 17th October 2014, 11:53 PM   #75
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Serious question Scarlet.... How do you do what you do as the OW, and still front up to Church? How do you reconcile your actions with your religion?

No judgment... I'm an OW too, but I am curious about people who want to be religious but choose adultery.
I'm not the religious one, he is, or rather his wife is and he goes along, I guess. I've asked this question myself all the time. How can he pray with her and go to church with her and talk to the youth group every week and quote the bible and hang out with the pastor several times a week like best buds, all the while committing adultery. I admit I initially thought this was an exit affair because of him being religious, knowing adultery is the only acceptable reason for divorce in the eyes of the church.

I have brought up a few times where I was concerned he might end it due to feeling guilty or thinking I'm a demonic influence but he waved it off as ridiculous. Even now I wonder if he thinks his dad's death is his punishment for him sinning. Or does he think it's only a sin if the woman is married.

And I wonder how his wife gives so much of her time to the church and worshipping God and in return God gives her a husband to cheat on her... Although to be fair, she's no saint either since she likes to judge, gossip, and talk badly about people and put him down, even in my presence.

Anyway, he actually spoke to me today and told me what was going on.
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