LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

death in MM's family


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree757Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 13th October 2014, 6:24 AM   #46
Established Member
 
ComingInHot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: God's Country, MI
Posts: 3,120
And now ya'll are bringing God and church into this?
As other posters have said , you need to step back, this is dangerous grounds for your safety and rep (if you care about that). The way you are throwing yourself into their lives right now and with obvious lack of concern for His Wife and family, doesn't bode well for a happy ending for Anyone.
be safe*
__________________
I Fear NOTHING! *
ComingInHot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2014, 1:52 PM   #47
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 57,591
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarlet2 View Post
No, it was his father that died, not hers. His wife hasn't lost any parent yet whereas I've already lost both of mine and this is the first for him. She called him moody and he's getting annoyed by her.

His workplace only gives one bereavement day. He had a week of sick time that he already used earlier in the year because she seems to get sick every January and he always uses up those days because of her and he's already used his three weeks of vacation time for the two trips he went on this year. He's already been out for two weeks for the death, with no pay because he's out of paid time off and finally returned to work a full week but now he took off impulsively. His own daughter didn't even know they were going, it was that impulsive.

I know he's heartbroken and lost but is escapism helpful or destructive? Maybe it was just a day trip and he'll be back to work tomorrow but who spends money on plane tickets for just a day trip, it's odd behavior and I'm worried...
Okay, I must have read wrong earlier on your thread, I thought it was his father in law.

Let him have space and time to grieve the loss. This isn't about you at all, so don't go looking for issues since it seems there is none. People handle death differently, he is gonna do what he needs to do to get through it, so don't take it personally if he doesn't rely on you.
Scarlet2 likes this.
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2014, 3:10 PM   #48
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 178
Sounds like he is just busy living his life. Maybe you should do the same.
letmoc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th October 2014, 7:44 PM   #49
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 251
He's still shutting me out but I managed to see him for a few seconds today. He still looks good to me even though you can tell he's worn out plus he was scruffy. Someone said he's aged a lot but I'm blind to it. His eyes lit up when he saw me and he got really close to me when I was walking by and for a split second I thought he was going to hug me in front of everyone but I kept walking while I greeted him. I wanted to hug him so bad but we don't do that in public so I didn't want to make him mad or uncomfortable. I paused around the corner though while he was saying why he was there and I was smiling at him and he was staring at me but then the spark left his eyes and he looked away and didn't want to say anything further so I went around the corner and continued going where I was going. When I came back, he was still there but didn't look up from his phone so I left him alone and went back to my desk.

This is hard. I want to be there for him but I want to give him his space but I keep thinking if I don't call or text, he's going to think I don't care but I have to stop calling and texting because he doesn't answer or respond, right? What are some reasons why he would shut me out but not others?
Scarlet2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th October 2014, 10:42 PM   #50
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 1,246
Scarlet, my best guess is he is shutting you out because he may be reevaluating his life. When some people lose someone close it rocks their foundation.

For all we know, his dad might have abhorred cheaters and with his dad passing he is ashamed of his behavior. Or he and his wife may have found common ground and he has chosen her.

The problem with being in an A is that either party can walk at anytime and your only options are you can slide into another A, learn and not repeat, or become a bunny boiler.

I would leave him alone right now. He will come back or he won't. You have no control on which happens but by leaving him alone right now you may get out of it with a bit of your dignity left.

Being in an A can be tough and there are few upsides to it.

Good luck
eye of the storm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th October 2014, 12:07 AM   #51
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 17,330
Since he isn't calling or texting you - that indicates you aren't his priority right now.

You aren't following his prompts. If he intended to be close to you right now he would - but he isn't.

He's obviously communicating with someone on his phone - as you said he was focused on his phone while you stood there waiting for him to pay attention to you.


Leave it be. Start dating available men.

He's taken and he's consumed with other things right now that are obviously important to him.
2sunny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th October 2014, 12:07 AM   #52
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 57,591
Quote:
This is hard. I want to be there for him but I want to give him his space but I keep thinking if I don't call or text, he's going to think I don't care but I have to stop calling and texting because he doesn't answer or respond, right? What are some reasons why he would shut me out but not others?
I said this before, I'll say it again. This isn't about you so don't make it about you.

What do you mean, others? Who? His wife? Friends? Family?

He isn't going to forget about you. Didn't he ask for some space?

He isn't in a place to 'give' to you or be in the affair, spend time with you right now.

Get busy and focus on other people in your life, allow him this time to grieve.
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th October 2014, 12:10 AM   #53
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2,306
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarlet2 View Post
I didn't bring us up at all, I just wanted to know about him, but he still said we are still on
I feel so badly for you.

What is "still on" Scarlet? I don't even see where there is a relationship here as he is ignoring you. It's been a month since his father died. There is no excuse for him to ignore you IF he still wants to be in an A relationship with you. He is making a point to avoid communicating with you and being with you, however. So how does that mean the affair is still "on"?

You said on page 3 in one of your posts that you were no longer going to put up with the lack of texts and time together. When are you going to implement that? Because he is living his life and you are just hanging on waiting for scraps. It is humiliating for you to be in a relationship like that - I can't even imagine voluntarily being in an affair that was that way. What is the point?

Please take care of yourself and stop living your life just for scraps from this man. He isn't leaving and he isn't prioritizing you - if he wanted to he would not be acting this way. He does not care about you in the same way you care about him, and the sooner you can accept that the better for you...
Hope Shimmers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th October 2014, 7:48 PM   #54
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 251
Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
I said this before, I'll say it again. This isn't about you so don't make it about you.

What do you mean, others? Who? His wife? Friends? Family?

He isn't going to forget about you. Didn't he ask for some space?

He isn't in a place to 'give' to you or be in the affair, spend time with you right now.

Get busy and focus on other people in your life, allow him this time to grieve.
Others as in acquaintances/coworkers/customers who only ask about his life because they are nosy and didn't attend the services or send flowers/plant/card to his family. When he first talked to me after it happened, he said he was upset by the people who didn't reach out to him because all those conversations he would have with them over the years and they weren't around to show support. His own boss didn't go but yet the workplace of his sister's husband went all out to support her and she doesn't even work there.
Scarlet2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th October 2014, 8:01 PM   #55
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 251
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope Shimmers View Post
I feel so badly for you.

What is "still on" Scarlet? I don't even see where there is a relationship here as he is ignoring you. It's been a month since his father died. There is no excuse for him to ignore you IF he still wants to be in an A relationship with you. He is making a point to avoid communicating with you and being with you, however. So how does that mean the affair is still "on"?

You said on page 3 in one of your posts that you were no longer going to put up with the lack of texts and time together. When are you going to implement that? Because he is living his life and you are just hanging on waiting for scraps. It is humiliating for you to be in a relationship like that - I can't even imagine voluntarily being in an affair that was that way. What is the point?

Please take care of yourself and stop living your life just for scraps from this man. He isn't leaving and he isn't prioritizing you - if he wanted to he would not be acting this way. He does not care about you in the same way you care about him, and the sooner you can accept that the better for you...
This is why I keep bouncing back and forth because how much of this is because of grief and how much of this is because he just doesn't want me. It would be a lot easier if he would just say it's over but he hasn't. He said it was still on, so that's all I can go by. Obviously, if months go by and I'm still being ignored then I guess it will finally click that he did a fade out.

As for no longer putting up with lack of text and time, I plan on implementing that when/if he decides to start the A up again if/when he approaches me about it.
Scarlet2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th October 2014, 8:23 PM   #56
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 210
This affair is obviously too much for him. Men don't like to be the bad guy and they don't like stopping addictions. If you really love him and want what is BEST for him why not let him go? Really have the conversation and let him go for his own good. He will resist but I bet not much and I bet it will be a relief to him.
MuddyRock is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th October 2014, 8:25 PM   #57
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 553
Scarlet,

I went back and read all your threads to get a true look at your backstory. Some things really stand out to me. The entire affair, you've been asking about him pulling away, not being there, the push pull (with you pushing and him pulling away), then you taking the blame for his crappy behavior, and allowing it to happen over and over again.

This man treats you horribly, and always has a reason why it's acceptable to treat you horribly. I believe you know his behavior is unacceptable, but you seem so willing to accept whatever smidge of attention he gives you, that you just keep hanging on, making excuse for his behavior, ignoring just how little he gives you.

Would you put up with this crappy behavior from a single man? A single man, who professed love to you? I doubt it. No matter what he's telling you, it's not love. It's sick and unhealthy, FOR YOU. He's made excuse after excuse as to why he won't divorce, and you just keep taking his crumbs. His newest excuse for treating you like a bother...his dad died.

He gets upset with you for pushing too hard, demanding more time because, he wants a stress free affair. He wants you when he wants you, then he wants to put you in a box, where he expects you to sit quietly and patiently until he needs some attention from you. That's not love.

This will crush you, crush your soul.

What is the attraction for you? You sound like you're the sweetest thing, but you also sound very desperate. There is a man out there for you, one that will treat you with love, kindness and respect, but you'll never find him while you're wrapped up with a user and a man who is married and plans to stay that way.

I'm so sad for you.

Last edited by Lurkeraspect; 16th October 2014 at 8:29 PM..
Lurkeraspect is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th October 2014, 9:01 PM   #58
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 523
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarlet2 View Post
As for no longer putting up with lack of text and time, I plan on implementing that when/if he decides to start the A up again if/when he approaches me about it.
So you'll tell him he needs to start talking to or texting you more often...but not until he texts you again first? Why do you have to wait for him to do anything? Why can't you say "this isn't enough for me" and leave right now?
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th October 2014, 9:36 PM   #59
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,954
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarlet2 View Post
This is why I keep bouncing back and forth because how much of this is because of grief and how much of this is because he just doesn't want me. It would be a lot easier if he would just say it's over but he hasn't. He said it was still on, so that's all I can go by. Obviously, if months go by and I'm still being ignored then I guess it will finally click that he did a fade out.

As for no longer putting up with lack of text and time, I plan on implementing that when/if he decides to start the A up again if/when he approaches me about it.
Scarlet why go by his words at all? His actions (none) have already given you a good indication that he doesn't want you.

He is overwhelmed emotionally! You are an emotional person that loves drama.

He can't take it - I'm sure.

Just leave him alone. Move on knowing that he is focused on more important things.

You keep wanting to make this about you. But it's not about you. It's about him and the fact that his Dad died - he's seeking support from his wife - and he has pushed you away when meaningful things are happening in his life.

Stay out of it. Give the man some peace and move forward.

Start dating men who are available to you 24/7 - that's not your MM.

He's made himself clear with his actions... Respect that he needs space to breathe.
beach is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th October 2014, 11:02 PM   #60
Established Member
 
whatatangledweb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: South
Posts: 771
If he wanted to text or call you, he would. He could find ways just as he did during the rest of the affair. I don't think it is because of his grief. I can see a couple of weeks it being the excuse. But a month? No.

Not being mean but he uses you as a distraction not for a main role. If he were emotionally connected to you then he would have reached out for comfort and support.

People asked him how he is because they care. It doesn't matter if they attended the funeral or send flowers. I only do that if I know the person who died. They are reaching out to him by asking.
whatatangledweb is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Death in Family and NC hockeydan Breaks and Breaking Up 11 2nd September 2014 7:46 PM
Death In The Family TheUnthoughtKnown Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 0 5th January 2013 5:29 PM
Death in family... sofrustrated25 Marriage & Life Partnerships 4 15th September 2012 11:40 AM
Death in Family. calm_rage Family 3 6th September 2006 7:50 AM
Death in the Family agnf666 Coping 7 27th April 2005 12:09 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:38 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.