Am I delusional? or could this work?

[yakamoz]

Hi everyone, I had a thread here a long time ago about my obsession with my married boss. I got some good advice but it is still an ongoing issue. However, certain things have happened that makes me think I may finally be ready to move on. Just a recap - I have known him over 2 yrs now and I have been consumed with this guy since the first 10 sec. of meeting him (I am not exaggerating). I have never been this attracted to anyone the way I have been attracted to this guy. I have also never ever cheated on anyone in my life. I do love my husband of 10 years and always thought I have a good marriage (I know some will disagree with this but I do adore both my H and MM). In the beginning, it was ok because he didn't give me any signs of interest so it was just a crush I was trying to hide. Eventually, we became emotionally very close and he started giving me very strong signals that he was attracted too.

 

 

Several weeks ago, I finally had a semi-disclosure with him. I could no longer stand not knowing where I stood, all the cold and hot periods we were going thru, the unbearable pain of wanting him so much and not being able to do anything about it etc...I wanted to give him a chance to come clean and perhaps close the door. We are both married, he is my boss and we work in a very conservative environment. It would, without a doubt, destroy both of us. Instead of closing the door however, he agreed with me and confirmed he had the same feelings and he was very attracted to me (even used the 'love' word which I never did). After that there were few weeks of heavy flirting and he seemed like he was ready to make a move. Then, one week he came to me and told me about his wonderful weekend with his wife and his wish to have a another child. I am not a fool, I got the message. Since then, my life has been a living hell. Every morning, I go to work with intention of having minimum contact with him. By 3 pm, I feel physically sick because I haven't seen or spoken to him. I can't focus on anything at home or at work. I am sad and depressed. On intellectual level, I know how unhealthy and irrational this obsession is. On top, he is very sympathetic, comes around a lot and asks how I am doing. No flirting but still very heavy eye contact, sad glances etc...We are in constant circle of hot and cold periods and it is driving me crazy.

 

 

In any case, the point of the thread is I think I am ready to let go of him. Last week has been easier emotionally and I think I am finally accepting the fact that he will never make a move (thank God!). So I have been focusing on two thoughts which seems to help. On a shallow side, it makes me feel good that I can still attract a gorgeous man, 7 years my junior (I am 43). I know it sounds bad but I think in these types of attractions, role of pre-menapousal hormones are always under estimated. Many women (from what I read here in LS and other places) seem to fall in to this in their late 30s, early 40s.

 

 

Second thought I have is that I am thankful to him for not making any moves to make this a PA because we had many chances and came very close at times. I am giving him all the credit on this because I know I would not have resist if he tried. I know the pain I feel would be nothing compare to what I would feel if that happened. I tell myself - now he can be a beautiful, bright (albeit sad) moment in my life. I am thankful he respected me enough to not take advantage of my uncontrollable feelings. And that he respected his wife and himself so that I will always remember him as an honorable, kind person that he is. My feelings for him will not be spoiled by deceit and lies and I will not disrespect my loving spouse. He will not hurt his wife (I feel a strange affinity with his wife. I feel like we both adore the same guy, how different could we be?)

 

So I think I will change tactics and instead of trying LC with him (I can't go NC obviously), which is causing incredible pain to me, I will try to hold on to these thoughts and try to have him in my life as a platonic friend. This seems easier on my emotions and as long as he keeps to his promise and not give me any romantic signals and make any moves it can work.

 

To those, who have experience with this, can this work? did anyone stay friends with their MM? or is it possible to be really attracted to someone and not cross any lines for years? I don't know if I am being delusional and just trying to protect myself from pain of LC. But I honestly I feel LC is wrecking havoc in my life and it is not working for me. I get more obsessed about seeing him when I try to avoid him. I appreciate everyone's input on this. I am really sick of living like this and really want to move on but don't want to lose him as a friend. He is a great boss and has been a great mentor to me.

[adna89]

You guys never had anything going on,he did not do anything that could be considered cheating.Obviously he is not into you in that way

[2sunny]

The better idea is to get a new job and learn about yourself. Seek help in understanding what a healthy boundary should look like for you.

[yakamoz]

You guys never had anything going on,he did not do anything that could be considered cheating.Obviously he is not into you in that way

 

Oh wow, I must be delusional because I thought telling a woman that you have fell in love with her and would like to be with her physically would constitute a step to an affair. I must have been in pain over nothing all these years. Thanks for that eye opening, well thought out response. I can move on now.

[yakamoz]

The better idea is to get a new job and learn about yourself. Seek help in understanding what a healthy boundary should look like for you.

 

 

Thank you 2sunny, getting a new job is out of question right now and I love my job. I am trying to learn about myself and what made me fall for this guy. I guess that is my underlying question - if you feel you have crossed certain boundaries with someone, is it ever possible to gain a healthy boundary back and still stay in touch.

[2sunny]

Thank you 2sunny, getting a new job is out of question right now and I love my job. I am trying to learn about myself and what made me fall for this guy. I guess that is my underlying question - if you feel you have crossed certain boundaries with someone, is it ever possible to gain a healthy boundary back and still stay in touch.

 

Sure. As long as you act cold and unfeeling toward him then it can work.

 

If you expect roses and sunshine while he's trying to distance himself from you then you may be disappointed.

 

It's a business. Treat it as a professional relationship. He doesn't want you having the idea that he's interested in more than a working relationship.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you 2sunny, getting a new job is out of question right now and I love my job. I am trying to learn about myself and what made me fall for this guy. I guess that is my underlying question - if you feel you have crossed certain boundaries with someone, is it ever possible to gain a healthy boundary back and still stay in touch.

 

No.

 

Keep a healthy distance and act professional. He is your (married) boss and you made a huge mistake (against advice given in the past) by telling him and opening that door. There's an attraction, leave it at that. Start focusing on the negatives about him and ruin the fantasy you've created of him.

 

Focus on work stuff and when home focus on your husband and marriage. Work on you, find out why you've allowed yourself to become this obsessed with someone outside of your marriage. This is more than an ego feed.

 

Edited to add: If in a few months you find it hard still to be around him, then ask for a transfer or start looking for another job.

Edited September 20, 2014 by whichwayisup

[herself]

It is EXACTLY that hot/cold will he? wont he? behavior that is a trap.

The infatuation begins, the signals start, the flirting and butterflies and fantasy...you get consumed.

Then the pulling back...further consumes you by asking why and what happened....

Then more signals, the attention feels great and its exciting...

Then u emotionally hold tighter not wanting him to leave again.

He pulls back...your a wreck...he inches closer your in love!

The cycle goes on and on and on...

Basically he felt tempted and flattered...his own infatuation and excitement being pursued by an attractive female...but he thought it through.

The risks, the guilt, potential job loss...

Just as you gathered it can destroy you, he came to the same conclusion.

And since men think more rationally and less on emotion, he was able to devise its the wrong thing to engage in and he knew he needed to stop before it got deeper.

It wasn't nice to tell you in a round about way citing a wonderful date and rediscovery with his wife. He should have just said Im married and feel wrong about this and need to get my professional relationship only back with you.

No less you dont want to travel in this cycle ab

and I think its great you want to move on and be free.

The friends thing....no. It keeps hope alive and you attached.

Its gotta be a clean break Im SO sad to say but learned by experience.

Its gonna be hard but you will be ok!

Best wishes in moving on!

[yakamoz]

No.

 

Keep a healthy distance and act professional. He is your (married) boss and you made a huge mistake (against advice given in the past) by telling him and opening that door. There's an attraction, leave it at that. Start focusing on the negatives about him and ruin the fantasy you've created of him.

 

Focus on work stuff and when home focus on your husband and marriage. Work on you, find out why you've allowed yourself to become this obsessed with someone outside of your marriage. This is more than an ego feed.

 

Edited to add: If in a few months you find it hard still to be around him, then ask for a transfer or start looking for another job.

 

 

I will have a chance to change units by October next year. I will definitely take that chance if he lets me. I am only saying that because I had the chance to move this October but he would not let me. I was in so much pain few months back that I was ready to move. I asked him and he told me I could volunteer but he will not ok it.

 

 

I don't know that I regret telling him about my feelings. I think it forced him to decide what he wants to do and I think he decided he can't live with the consequences. He told me as much. So I am ok with that I think it is letting me move on. It is difficult for me to focus on his negatives though I know his behavior as a boss was not appropriate at all. He knows that too. I just don't want to lose his friendship but perhaps that is not realistic.

 

 

I am focusing on my marriage and spouse. My H is out of the country for few weeks and it has given me a chance to think things thru. Thank you for your post.

[2sunny]

He isn't your friend if he is unwilling to consider your request in moving.

 

You've stated what you need - he's denied you on many levels. That's not what a true friend does.

 

He may like the ego strokes. It's at your expense.

 

He will look out for himself but not your needs.

 

Be aware and look for other opportunities to change jobs/locations.

[yakamoz]

It is EXACTLY that hot/cold will he? wont he? behavior that is a trap.

The infatuation begins, the signals start, the flirting and butterflies and fantasy...you get consumed.

Then the pulling back...further consumes you by asking why and what happened....

Then more signals, the attention feels great and its exciting...

Then u emotionally hold tighter not wanting him to leave again.

He pulls back...your a wreck...he inches closer your in love!

The cycle goes on and on and on...

Basically he felt tempted and flattered...his own infatuation and excitement being pursued by an attractive female...but he thought it through.

The risks, the guilt, potential job loss...

Just as you gathered it can destroy you, he came to the same conclusion.

And since men think more rationally and less on emotion, he was able to devise its the wrong thing to engage in and he knew he needed to stop before it got deeper.

It wasn't nice to tell you in a round about way citing a wonderful date and rediscovery with his wife. He should have just said Im married and feel wrong about this and need to get my professional relationship only back with you.

No less you dont want to travel in this cycle ab

and I think its great you want to move on and be free.

The friends thing....no. It keeps hope alive and you attached.

Its gotta be a clean break Im SO sad to say but learned by experience.

Its gonna be hard but you will be ok!

Best wishes in moving on!

 

Herself, thank you, thank you so much. This is exactly what I have been going through and it is the exact analyzes I came up with. The problem is we are still going thru hot and cold days. Despite what he told me, he has still not completely given up either and he still comes to me for emotional support. Regardless of his behavior, I need to change the way I think about him. I want to be able to see him and talk to him and not be in pain over it. Only this past week, I have started to detach from him on emotional level I think. So I was hopeful I can just start seeing him as one of my other male coworkers. I do value his friendship and our professional interaction. However, I do see your point about not being able stay friends. Problem is, this requires NC and I can't do that - not yet anyway.

[yakamoz]

He isn't your friend if he is unwilling to consider your request in moving.

 

You've stated what you need - he's denied you on many levels. That's not what a true friend does.

 

He may like the ego strokes. It's at your expense.

 

He will look out for himself but not your needs.

 

Be aware and look for other opportunities to change jobs/locations.

 

Thank you 2sunny, him not letting me go was simply a business decision, he needs me in his dept. right now. He has no issues separating business from personal when he is making professional decisions. He also told me a move now would hurt my career, which was true. In any case, I do agree with your other points. I am sure this is a great ego stroke for him and it kills me. I have been an attractive woman most of my life and the men I loved, always loved me back (they were available to love me back, I understand that). I don't know how to handle this and I am so upset about losing so much of my self respect along the way.

[beach]

Be cold and unfeeling to him. But do your work.

 

That way you earn the change next year and he might be more willing to have you go if you stop stroking his ego.

[herself]

Herself, thank you, thank you so much. This is exactly what I have been going through and it is the exact analyzes I came up with. The problem is we are still going thru hot and cold days. Despite what he told me, he has still not completely given up either and he still comes to me for emotional support. Regardless of his behavior, I need to change the way I think about him. I want to be able to see him and talk to him and not be in pain over it. Only this past week, I have started to detach from him on emotional level I think. So I was hopeful I can just start seeing him as one of my other male coworkers. I do value his friendship and our professional interaction. However, I do see your point about not being able stay friends. Problem is, this requires NC and I can't do that - not yet anyway.

I wonder while you are making strides and detaching if you can take a few vacation days to keep up your progress?

Nc other than work talk is possible?

You can maybe sweetly or politely tell him after the change in your relationship you are working on your feelings and need to keep interaction professional and limited to business only to respect his marriage...

Somethingvalong those lines.

Any other discussions about you transferring you should email and copy HR because there is a chance he might not get the final say in blocking it. Get it in writing though. Always a paper trail.

But google some articles on detaching and also read baggage revlaim website to help heal.

I totally understand how the ongoing interraction affects you and it truly does hurt.

Your on the right path. Continuing is really going to cause you more hurt.

He needs the ego strokes and attention but you get to enjoy nothing from it but rejection and confusion. Its selfish of him to rely on you and use your shoulder after he made his choice...thsts it for him. He shouldn't get to have it. Dont budge! Keep thinking how lucky you are to be single and available. Take a few personal days and take a trip, a nap, a hike, a facial...get back to YOU. Hes old news.

[yakamoz]

Hi Herself, thank you for the suggestions, I try to read all your posts in this site. Like I mentioned before, everyday, I go to work with intention of LC and it lasts few hours. Either he comes to me or I end up going to him. When I don't see him, I get physically sick. It is beyond pathetic! Taking few days off is not possible right now. On top, my own supervisor will be out next week, so I will see him more (he is my second line manager). However, first time in 2 yrs, I am optimistic I could be beating this. I did think about having another talk with him. It kind a defeats the purpose when he tells me he will concentrate on his marriage but still continues to try to get emotional support from me. It confuses and saddens me. But the first talk was hard on me and I felt like such a fool after his decision so I don't know if I want to go thru it again. I feel like every time I have one of these talks, my self respect goes down a notch. I have never behaved like this with any man. I feel like I have lost myself.

 

 

I am not single, I have been married to a wonderful man for the last 10 years. He knows my emotional attachment to this guy (but not everything that is going on between us). In my desperation to get rid off these feelings, I spoke to my husband about it. He is an amazing person and very understanding and knows I am struggling with this. I know I am very lucky and his support gives me strength.

[herself]

Hi Herself, thank you for the suggestions, I try to read all your posts in this site. Like I mentioned before, everyday, I go to work with intention of LC and it lasts few hours. Either he comes to me or I end up going to him. When I don't see him, I get physically sick. It is beyond pathetic! Taking few days off is not possible right now. On top, my own supervisor will be out next week, so I will see him more (he is my second line manager). However, first time in 2 yrs, I am optimistic I could be beating this. I did think about having another talk with him. It kind a defeats the purpose when he tells me he will concentrate on his marriage but still continues to try to get emotional support from me. It confuses and saddens me. But the first talk was hard on me and I felt like such a fool after his decision so I don't know if I want to go thru it again. I feel like every time I have one of these talks, my self respect goes down a notch. I have never behaved like this with any man. I feel like I have lost myself.

 

 

I am not single, I have been married to a wonderful man for the last 10 years. He knows my emotional attachment to this guy (but not everything that is going on between us). In my desperation to get rid off these feelings, I spoke to my husband about it. He is an amazing person and very understanding and knows I am struggling with this. I know I am very lucky and his support gives me strength.

 

I have the sweetest husband most loyal husband ever and I got in an ea with coworker.

He never made move for pa either. We had highly sexual ea and many of those same talks.

He did the hit and cold thing for years pulling me in then cold again.

Really damaged self esteem and hurt our friendship.

We eventually fell in love.

Then he backed off citing guilt...

Pulled me back in WAY harder then back to square one another talk out of the clear blue after intense months of bliss and happiness. Sigh...it never ends.

I can only blame myself...

[yakamoz]

I have the sweetest husband most loyal husband ever and I got in an ea with coworker.

He never made move for pa either. We had highly sexual ea and many of those same talks.

He did the hit and cold thing for years pulling me in then cold again.

Really damaged self esteem and hurt our friendship.

We eventually fell in love.

Then he backed off citing guilt...

Pulled me back in WAY harder then back to square one another talk out of the clear blue after intense months of bliss and happiness. Sigh...it never ends.

I can only blame myself...

 

 

So similar to my story. I am so sorry! I always thought I was a strong, independent woman with a very high self esteem. I hate giving so much power over my emotions to someone who doesn't care as much as I do. I hate hurting my marriage and H like this. I am sure my H knows I am also physically attracted to this man (he does look very much like my H). While we never spoke about that, he knows me well. More importantly, I hate the woman I have become. Every time I go to his office, I feel like such a floozy, a bimbo. How I see myself and how I feel about myself has changed so much, I no longer recognize myself. I have a law degree for god sake, I have spent my entire adult life demanding and getting respect from men. It is like a cosmic joke.

[herself]

So similar to my story. I am so sorry! I always thought I was a strong, independent woman with a very high self esteem. I hate giving so much power over my emotions to someone who doesn't care as much as I do. I hate hurting my marriage and H like this. I am sure my H knows I am also physically attracted to this man (he does look very much like my H). While we never spoke about that, he knows me well. More importantly, I hate the woman I have become. Every time I go to his office, I feel like such a floozy, a bimbo. How I see myself and how I feel about myself has changed so much, I no longer recognize myself. I have a law degree for god sake, I have spent my entire adult life demanding and getting respect from men. It is like a cosmic joke.

 

No doubt. My h is so nice and connected. He doesn't deserve it and no reason for it.

I feel the same as you. The first time he pulled back I should have been done. I was so hooked. My h knows him too, knows we meet up every few months (we no longer work together but did for maybe 3 years). He knows we email and talk on the phone and they have hung out as a group of us. I felt my H also knows and Ive been ad transparent as humanly possible.

[loveboid]

It's possible to stay attracted and friendly.

 

--Realize that you are number 2 (or 3, 4, 5) and that he is staying in his marriage.

--Feelings such as mutual admiration and attraction do not have to be acted on. Love or infatuation doesn't mean you have to marry.

--He is wanting an ego trip (and so are you, fraternizing with a successful man) which is fine. One way to feed each other is with compliments, sexual or not. You can just go with honest, non sexual compliments and I bet you'd both be happy.

[yakamoz]

It's possible to stay attracted and friendly.

 

--Realize that you are number 2 (or 3, 4, 5) and that he is staying in his marriage.

--Feelings such as mutual admiration and attraction do not have to be acted on. Love or infatuation doesn't mean you have to marry.

--He is wanting an ego trip (and so are you, fraternizing with a successful man) which is fine. One way to feed each other is with compliments, sexual or not. You can just go with honest, non sexual compliments and I bet you'd both be happy.

 

This is kind a where we are today. He still comes around and complements etc...without flirting and any other romantic signals. Some days I am ok with this and feel like I can continue my relationship with him at this level. On other days, it is just too painful to deal with his attention even if it is non-romantic. But I think that happens because I think I am suppose to go LC with him now that I know his decision. So I try to act cool and all business, then I get really upset because that is not how I feel inside. I know it is against the advise here but LC is just too painful and distracting. I am hoping whatever change I felt last week will continue and I can still have close relationship with him without any romantic expectations. Thank you for your post.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Thank you 2sunny, getting a new job is out of question right now and I love my job. I am trying to learn about myself and what made me fall for this guy. I guess that is my underlying question - if you feel you have crossed certain boundaries with someone, is it ever possible to gain a healthy boundary back and still stay in touch.

 

It depends on you and it depends on him. It certainly won't be easy. But people have friendships with people they had relationships with all the time. It takes a lot of work and the common ground of mutual compromise, dependability, and an agreement to keep the boundaries in place.

[twosadthings]

You're already delusional if you think you haven't disrespected your wonderful spouse for the past two years. At 43 you should be able to understand this. If not you're a train wreck waiting to happen.

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

Edited September 21, 2014 by twosadthings
typo

[yakamoz]

You're already delusional if you think you haven't disrespected your wonderful spouse for the past two years. At 43 you should be able to understand this. If not you're a train wreck waiting to happen.

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

 

There is nothing you or anyone else can say here that can hurt me more than I am already hurting. So, please save your judgment. Yes, I disrespected my husband and more importantly I disrespected and failed myself. At age 43, I acted like I have never acted in my entire life. That goes without saying.

[Lovemesomehim]

So similar to my story. I am so sorry! I always thought I was a strong, independent woman with a very high self esteem. I hate giving so much power over my emotions to someone who doesn't care as much as I do. I hate hurting my marriage and H like this. I am sure my H knows I am also physically attracted to this man (he does look very much like my H). While we never spoke about that, he knows me well. More importantly, I hate the woman I have become. Every time I go to his office, I feel like such a floozy, a bimbo. How I see myself and how I feel about myself has changed so much, I no longer recognize myself. I have a law degree for god sake, I have spent my entire adult life demanding and getting respect from men. It is like a cosmic joke.

 

Then why are you giving all this power to a mm? If you hate the woman you have become then we all know it's not healthy for you.

 

Regardless as to how many degrees you have becomes irrelevant when dealing with your heart.

 

I wish you the best in whatever decision you make

[yakamoz]

Then why are you giving all this power to a mm? If you hate the woman you have become then we all know it's not healthy for you.

 

Regardless as to how many degrees you have becomes irrelevant when dealing with your heart.

 

I wish you the best in whatever decision you make

 

 

Because between the violent mood swings from pre-menopause symptoms, and the sadness/depression associated with this guy, I am positive, I have gone insane. I simply don't know how to get my sanity back :-( I need an IC or something. Thank you for the best wishes.