escapology Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 I met my mm at work about two years ago and we were friends for the first year and a half. I never saw his wife at work functions or parties and people would tell me they were not happy. One night about 3 months ago we ended up kissing and then everything snowballed. I am now in a full blown relationship with this mm and he tells me is so in love with me and wants to be with me. He is having a hard time because he had a 8 month old daughter. He said he is moving out and is scheduled to in 2 days. This is everything I want because I do love him too, but I am terrified. We are best friends and I do not want to lose that. Even though I love him and he is moving towards divorce how do I live with myself knowing that his W will hate me and he will always be in a relationship with her because of their daughter. I have never been married. I don't want to be resented or resent him. Am I fooling myself that this could work? Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Only rarely happens that a MM/MW will leave his/her marriage for the new relationship. Why, when theres excitement and good sex one the one hand and a established, safe, comfortable environment on the other? This stuff usually ends in disaster. Hope you know what you're doing. I would stop the relationship until he makes a decision. Don't hold your breath, sweetheart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author escapology Posted October 11, 2004 Author Share Posted October 11, 2004 That is what I keep telling him too, but he assures me that his feelings are real. I know I probably sound like the nieve OW, but I have never been in this situation and never thought that I ever would be and I don't know anyone else who has. All I ever hear about is MM who start relationships with SW and they never leave. I do believe him, but I also am protecting myself and setting myself up for when it doesn't happen. I know the odds are against us. I have never pressured him or asked him to leave, although he knows that I did not enter this to have a fling. Do I need to start pressuring him for a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Pressuring him is not going to make an iota's difference. Moving on, will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author escapology Posted October 11, 2004 Author Share Posted October 11, 2004 So you are convinced that this can not work no matter what? Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 OM usually say what you want to hear. That is all baby. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Originally posted by escapology So you are convinced that this can not work no matter what? The point is, if the marriage is really on the rocks, then he will anull it ASAP to be with you. See what I mean? If he's so unhappy, and meant for you, instead, then he'll make it happen. There should be no need to pressure him. Capisci? Until that time, you should put the relationship on hold. THAT might make him hurry up, but I wouldn't bet on it. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 from Papillon This stuff usually ends in disaster. Hope you know what you're doing. I would stop the relationship until he makes a decision. Don't hold your breath, sweetheart. Pap' is right. If you truly believe that you were fated to be together then you can believe that it was meant to be the right way. He needs to divorce his wife, settle custody & visitation issues, have his own place - then you can start seeing each other again. Anything less will be a disaster for you. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 I live with myself knowing that his W will hate me and he will always be in a relationship with her because of their daughter. I have never been married. I don't want to be resented or resent him. You are already living with yourself for being part of the break up that is causing this innocent woman and child pain....you seem to be having no problem "living with it" from the time you kissed him...I mean "let's be honest" (not judging by the way, just been there and done that)... Also, want to talk about living with things.....you are going to have that W that hates you to her core in your life for the rest of your life.....because there is a baby involved. He will be talking to W because of that child and you will be dealing with her also. He may even start seeing her in a positive light once he's with you. If he's a "grass is greener guy" then once he's in your grass, her grass may be more attraction. She is the mother of his child and he's gonna feel some kind of guilty for leaving them both...... So if you are picturing bliss when you get together, factor in a divorce that's reason will be abandonment or flat out adultery. You may have to go to court and testify. Plus, a custody trial. Then you will have to deal with "their friends" some are going to be resentful of you. His family may not be thrilled about you. You are taking on a TON of baggage!!! Tread lightly and think hard!! There are single men out there that you could fall in love with and marry instead of having to deal with this drama infested relationship where more hurt than love is going to be in your face!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mone' Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 If you believe your love is real and the trouble in the future is worth it, stick by him and see what happens. It will be a tough road ahead and in the end will be worth it. I don't like to see women like us being beaten with words so maybe my words will give you some hope. He will be so emotional through his divorce. Being there for him is going to be very important. If your mentally ready for that good luck and be strong for you and him. Let me know how it goes. Mone' Not all married men are the same... Link to post Share on other sites
LittleMiss Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 This sounds exactly like me and my MM. We have worked together for two years and just 4 months ago did anything happen between the two of us. Slowly we have developed this very loving relationship (not based on sex). He told me he loved me and wanted to leave his wife. He has two boys and that, I knew, was going to be hard for him. Well he did leave! Friday he packed all his belongings, sat down and talked to his children, turned in his house key,and he left. He's been staying with me. Today, he's leaving for a few days back home to tell his family about everything. They already know a little bit about me, but they're not aware that he has decided to get a divorce. I would like to tell you to hang in there. I got a lot of the same comments about MM not leaving and that I was just fooling myself, but not all married men are out there looking to hurt their other woman. Some of them are men who have fallen out of love with their wives and have found true love with someone else. I am my MM first OW and I know he really loves me. Right now we are so happy that we are finally going to be together. If you have those same kind of feelings then don't let that go. Love isn't easy, and sometimes you just have to take a chance on love. "It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all" Link to post Share on other sites
Mone' Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 I am so happy for you and I beieve that the author of this post needed to hear a happy ending story. what you said is the absolute truth. Congratulations and good luck in your future!! Mone' Link to post Share on other sites
LittleMiss Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 thanks Mone! I read your post and it looks like your are happy as well. I agree that some of us here need to hear some "success stories". Most of us get back a lot of negative feedback, which is okay sometimes. I know when I posted my sistuation before, and was unsure of what was going to happen between us I listened to everyones comments and took the good with the bad. In the end, I made the decision to take the risk of getting hurt to be with this man. I'm glad I did. It's a great feeling! I feel like I can't stop smiling. Link to post Share on other sites
Mone' Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Hi g-taitha, sorry for being rude I don't know to much about this I'm pretty new. I don't know if your interested but I was looking for someone else to talk to about my situation with that has sorta the same thing going on. I can't relate with my mother anymore because she's unhappy. Do you know what I mean? that why I came here to find some sorta place where I fit in, some support in my situation, not a bashing party on mistresses. I totally understand about smiling thats all I do, except for when I tried to leave him. My world wasn't complete without him. You understand right? Mone' Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 escapology, If you are already having bad vibes or feeling in some way guilty about this I think that with time it will only get worse. You will not enjoy spending time with him after sometime because these thoughts will get in the way. I just speak from my personal experience it's always different with everyone. I'm sure that you care for him and that's what makes it harder, but you really have to sit down and analyze if this is what you want for yourself. Can you live with him without thinking he will do the same thing to you later? Link to post Share on other sites
crowdreamer Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 I'm another so-far success story. I have gotten fed up with all the negativity, judgments, and character attacks on this site so I have had to ignore a good portion of it. My MM has not left yet but has taken every step he can within the last week to do so. Every MM is different, remember that, don't get caught up in other people's stories. Go to "The Other Woman" site if you want more help with a partner who is divorcing (http://www.gloryb.com--go to the "divorcing partner" forum). There is a whole slew of people on there who are going through the same thing right now and can advise you of all the potential pitfalls. It sounds like your man is ready to leave, if his marriage was rocky already. Sometimes it takes an affair to propel a man to action, sometimes they think there is nothing better out there until they meet OW. The main cautions I would give you are 1) the child is 8 months old? Just remember that you will have to have that child in your life forever, and at that age, he will probably want to spend a LOT of time with the baby, if he is a good dad. The good side is, you can learn a lot about what type of person (and father) he is by how he treats his child. 2) He may need some space when going through the divorce. Give it to him. He needs time to grieve, and 3) If his wife does not know about you yet, best to keep it from her until the papers are signed, so she does not use it against him in the divorce. If the problems of the marriage are legitimate and couldn't be resolved, there is no reason for you to feel guilty. He probably would have left her eventually anyway, and it's better to get it over with sooner rather than have the child grow up in a poisonous environment. Don't listen to these jerks who say the wife's totally innocent. They have no way of knowing that. You, on the other hand, know him better than anyone else here. From what you've posted so far, I have not heard anything to indicate that he is playing you or using her. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Now we're jerks? You're out of line. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 I think that it's good to see both sides of it not just the good parts or the happy ending. Just because it went good for you it does not mean it will for her or just because it went bad for me it does not mean it will for her, that's why it's good for anyone to hear the good outcomes and the bad ones. You cannot paint her a rainbow when life is so dark! You have to keep it real. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Originally posted by Papillon Now we're jerks? You're out of line. I agree.. that was uncalled for. Link to post Share on other sites
crowdreamer Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Keeping it real...hmmm....so telling her that MM's wife is just an innocent victim is "keeping it real"? Saying "he'll never leave" is keeping it real? What gives you the all-seeing psychic abilities to know that for sure? I'm not any more out of line than some of the people on here who have said, "He's just playing you" or "You're a homewrecker" or "He's using his wife" or made broad sweeping statements about men in general. It isn't helpful to CONCLUDE that someone is going to do something or attack his character, or her character. Keeping it real does not have to mean all doom and gloom and "He's an @sshole just playing both sides of the fence and the best thing for all involved is for you to leave." That is not true in all situations, but you all are telling her it is. I'm just trying to present her with all sides of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Keeping it real? I think many of us bear the burden of personal experience, as well as seeing the broken lives that weep across these pages, EVERY DAY. I deeply regret that other people's experiences are threatening to your views. I also regret that you are unable to internalise the fact that viewpoints differ, and that it is shameful to revert to namecalling. But hey, never mind me. I'm just trying to keep it unreal Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 that why I came here to find some sorta place where I fit in, some support in my situation, not a bashing party on mistresses. Who's bashing?? OMG what a joke! On this thread NO ONE has been rude to this poster...if anything they've tried to be nice despite the fact she knows she's contributing to the breaking up of a family, a marriage, and isn't doing a very decent thing. No one was rude or mean to her so this comment is way off base..... Don't listen to these jerks who say the wife's totally innocent. They have no way of knowing that. You, on the other hand, know him better than anyone else here. From what you've posted so far, I have not heard anything to indicate that he is playing you or using her. That was INSANE and RUDE!!! Who the heck is this person to call the posters who are trying to help jerks??? They refrained from being mean and telling her what she really needs to hear (that SHE is in the wrong as well as him, they deserve each other for being deceitful and dishonest). I have a OM/OW story I'll share below. You know you will get paid back for everything you do so keep that in mind in every decision you make! I don't like to see women like us being beaten with words so maybe my words will give you some hope. Again give me a break Who's being "beat up" and by what words? Just because they say he probably won't leave? That she should tell him she won't be with him until he actually gets the divorce? Oh I bet they are sorry I guess they were suppossed to throw a pity party. Okay now...a woman & man I know met when she was married with two sons. The man she met and started dating is HOT don't get me wrong, but instead of being honest with her husband that she no longer desired him, ect. She began cheating with this guy. He treated her well, wanted her only for him, ect. So finally she left, abandoned her boys to their father and moved to Indiana with him. Now they're married and have 2 kids and one on the way (she's prego) they seemed to have a good relationship. Now here's the lesson............... Now that their life seemed great, he has a great job, she makes him happy, ect. He started cheating with another woman. He waits at his nephew's house for her (nephew is the same as the uncle). She knows he's married but sleeps with him anyway and this isn't the first time he's cheated. You can bet she'll be devastated when she finds out he's cheating and will say "why me why me"...SO YOU SEE WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND! YOU WILL REEP WHAT YOU SEW! MAYBE NOT NOW BUT ONE DAY YOU WILL!! Link to post Share on other sites
crowdreamer Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Originally posted by Barby (that SHE is in the wrong as well as him, they deserve each other for being deceitful and dishonest). Oh, and THAT's not insulting in the least. No, that's not name-calling or judgmental or rude. Why should she listen to a word you say after you call her dishonest and deceitful? How exactly is that "helpful"? And who the F#ck are you to judge? Why are you even on this site, because you're an "innocent victim" who just happened to fall on his d*ck? I'll give you another fairy tale story that really happened--Once upon a time, there was a woman, married to a man who was verbally abusive and mean. He insulted the way she looked, everything she did, made fun of her hair, was rude to all her friends, isolated her from her family. Tortured her cat, sat at home smoking pot for three and a half years straight while she worked full-time and went to college full-time. She stayed because she was insecure and had met him at age 18 and had grown up in an abusive household and did not realize that there were men out there who would treat her better. She met a man, at the age of 29, and became his friend. This man treated her better, much better. This man was her husband's friend. Her husband got what HE deserved. He was not an "innocent" victim. Eventually she left the jerk, like she should have done years ago. Yes, what goes around comes around. I have NO problem with people who give advice or tell what happened to them. I have a real problem with people who sit on their precious throne and throw down judgments about other people's situations without having ANY CLUE of what really happened. There are no "innocent victims" in relationships, and there are no foregone conclusions, and things aren't always black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
crowdreamer Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 ...sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread and take the focus off you. Hope we didn't scare you away. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Cowdreamer, I do believe you have a guilty conscience. I've re-read this thread, and I'm hard pressed to find any throne-sitters. What I did find were a bunch of people with heartfelt and sincere advice, who actually care a damn. I don't see any black and white judgement, and I challenge you to point it out. What I do see, is a lot of hyperbole and rudeness, just dripping from the page. Link to post Share on other sites
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