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What excuse did your married man give for cheating on his wife?


Butterflying

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I'm out having dinner with one of my best female friends tonight. A guy approaches me and starts flirting, a lot. It's to the point where I'm almost uncomfortable. He's not wearing a wedding ring. But my instinct tells me he's married. When he asked for my contact information, I asked if he was married. Then he said, "My wife and I are going through a separation right now."

 

So I'm like, what does "going through a separation" mean? Are they separated? Are they trying to separate? Either way, he's still married! And a separation doesn't always mean divorce. How can this guy expect a woman like me (unmarried, no children, great career) to actually date him? I'm glad he didn't lie. But OMG! Now I wonder, to all the other women, what excuse did the married man use to make you date him?

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Redheaded Mistress

He didn't really give an excuse. He was unhappy with her, he was happy with me. Since then, we've of course talked about his motivations a lot of what he was feeling and I was feeling, but what it all boils down to is that he wasn't happy. But we never gave each other excuses for why we were together vs our spouses.

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The most common theme I found with MW's was physical abuse and alcoholism, in that their H's were apparently abusive and/or alcoholics. Only occasionally did they state they were 'separated'. A very small minority lied about their marital status entirely. That would be akin to the man in your story saying he was divorced.

 

Regarding the excuses, there were a tiny minority of those cases I could follow up on over years (I've lived in the same area for 55+ years now) and discovered the men in question weren't nearly the ogres they were being made out as. Of course, people familiar with affairs know these things but I was young and ignorant at the time and believed MW's, probably because I had seen some physical abuse first-hand with friend's parents when I was a child. Once I adopted a more cynical view, things got better.

 

BTW, none wore wedding rings, at least not when I met them. I still meet women like that today. By default, I assume every woman I meet is married until and unless it's proven otherwise. I'm rarely wrong!

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OP you sound like you have a good sense of people. Good For you!!

 

It takes two to tango, the buyer and the seller. I , like most , do not buy into a story without getting the facts in line. Even then its a choice that I would decline 100%.

 

Oddly a few weeks back a married guy basically told me that He couldnt divorce his wife due to them owning a business. I told him that his marriage is HIS business and he needs to show a profit by investing in his marriage, not in some fly by night tryst.

 

Only one time in my life have I ever understood the affair dynamic, A late 70's man had a wife that for seven years was in a medical facility, tube fed and incoherent. He visited three times a week. Got to know him and he shared that he loved his wife yet needed companionship. he spoke of his other lady. I met her, They both were decent in the visits. Turns out the Courts refused to grant him a divorce and said he was medically responsibile for his wifes' care for LIFE. They denied his offer to pay for her life care in the effort to get divorced. The Govt didnt want to be burdened for his wife's care even though he made efforts to do the right thing.

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Its mostly "we are getting divorced soon" "i am unhappy" "i do not love her"

 

 

and mostly its just bull****

 

Are/were you OW? Because this is not what I have heard as far as reasons go.

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Whatever the reason they give...mostly its not the truth.

People engage in affairs for ego, for tasting the forbidden fruit, for selfishness, for the desire to feel wanted when feeling very married ie. Your spouse is no longer panting for you.

No one ever gets tired of feeling chased and pursued so you let your boundaries slip, crack the door a tiny bit to "harmless" flirting...your cheating and cake eating and justifying in the blink of an eye. Chemicals in the brain produced during A=CRACK

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I didn't hear excuses, but he did give me some reasons. Some were the same reasons so many people step outside of their marriages but remain married - kids, finances, families, religion, etc. The main issue was intimacy. In a primary intimate relationship, when there is absolutely no intimacy of any form - emotional, psychological, physical - it ceases to be a primary intimate relationship - legal document or not. Because she had decided that she was fine with living as non-intimate partners for the rest of their lives, and he was not. And yet, he didn't feel like because she made that decision - without his input or agreement - breaking her vows - but he didn't feel he should have to give up his kids, his house, everything he had worked for because she refused to uphold her vows.

 

It all worked out in the end better for everyone, but it's ridiculous the amount of people who are in marriages and refuse to be marital partners but cling to that piece of paper as if it's a life-raft of entitlement.

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Well, my guy and I talked about his general disconnect with his ex wife, their lack of physical or emotional intimacy, her alcoholism, her need to stay only for the financial security. All of which were later proven true.

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still_an_Angel

My MM married his high school gf so they have been together a long time. He said people change, both of them have and over the years, they have grown distant and the personal connection is gone. He has left many times but his sense of responsibility for her is strong, it's like a brother looking after a very needy, dependent child.

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Redheaded Mistress
Whatever the reason they give...mostly its not the truth.

People engage in affairs for ego, for tasting the forbidden fruit, for selfishness, for the desire to feel wanted when feeling very married ie. Your spouse is no longer panting for you.

No one ever gets tired of feeling chased and pursued so you let your boundaries slip, crack the door a tiny bit to "harmless" flirting...your cheating and cake eating and justifying in the blink of an eye. Chemicals in the brain produced during A=CRACK

 

I think from the outside looking in it's very easy to say conclusively that's the reason why people have affairs. But for the people on the inside, generally they're not lying when they say they're unhappy. Happily married people just don't cheat on their spouses.

 

I also don't think there's truth to "no one ever gets tired of feeling chased and pursued." I think plenty of people do get tired of it. In my A, we certainly got to the point where we were advancing out of "perusal" and into comfort, being settled in a relationship, and that we very much enjoyed. It was the fact that it was on the side that frustrated us. We were happy to have a settled, stable relationship with each other.

 

This idea that affairs are by people who don't want commitment and just want "forbidden fruit" and "the thrill of the hunt" I don't think represents everybody by far. Some, sure. But plenty of people in affairs believe in commitment, don't want endless meaningless relationships, they want a settled life and relationship, just maybe not with the person they're married to.

 

My MM married his high school gf so they have been together a long time. He said people change, both of them have and over the years, they have grown distant and the personal connection is gone. He has left many times but his sense of responsibility for her is strong, it's like a brother looking after a very needy, dependent child.

 

The latter part sounds very much like my AP. He felt like she was needy, dependent, and felt obligated to stay because she couldn't make it on her own. After D day and she knew that was a card she could play, she played it like a pro. That and the religion card.

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"I'm alone most of the time, all she thinks about is work"

 

"I only married her because she was 16 and pregnant"

 

"She doesn't like sex"

 

"I care for her as a friend but I don't love her"

 

"I started cheating because I thought she had cheated on me" (lol...)

 

"I'm still with her because of finances and my son but soon he will be 18"

 

(Guess what? He's 18 already. He's still there).

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I think from the outside looking in it's very easy to say conclusively that's the reason why people have affairs. But for the people on the inside, generally they're not lying when they say they're unhappy. Happily married people just don't cheat on their spouses.

 

I also don't think there's truth to "no one ever gets tired of feeling chased and pursued." I think plenty of people do get tired of it. In my A, we certainly got to the point where we were advancing out of "perusal" and into comfort, being settled in a relationship, and that we very much enjoyed. It was the fact that it was on the side that frustrated us. We were happy to have a settled, stable relationship with each other.

 

This idea that affairs are by people who don't want commitment and just want "forbidden fruit" and "the thrill of the hunt" I don't think represents everybody by far. Some, sure. But plenty of people in affairs believe in commitment, don't want endless meaningless relationships, they want a settled life and relationship, just maybe not with the person they're married to.

 

 

 

The latter part sounds very much like my AP. He felt like she was needy, dependent, and felt obligated to stay because she couldn't make it on her own. After D day and she knew that was a card she could play, she played it like a pro. That and the religion card.

 

My guy actually held a position in his church. He stepped down. Kinda sad.

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Redheaded Mistress
My guy actually held a position in his church. He stepped down. Kinda sad.

 

That is sad. Mine was quietly religious, his wife was not religious at all. But when D-Day happened and she gave the "her or me" and she realized the answer was going to be "her," she converted, had a religious awakening, and took to leaving him Bible quotes, going to church 3 times a week, the whole 9 yards. To this day, she has his Bible and won't give it back to him because it's how she "finds God." It's his personal Bible, given to him when he was a small child.

 

Of all the belongings he lost in the divorce, that was the one that hurt him hard. Especially since now that the dust has settled and gone, she's not the fervent believer she was then.

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That is sad. Mine was quietly religious, his wife was not religious at all. But when D-Day happened and she gave the "her or me" and she realized the answer was going to be "her," she converted, had a religious awakening, and took to leaving him Bible quotes, going to church 3 times a week, the whole 9 yards. To this day, she has his Bible and won't give it back to him because it's how she "finds God." It's his personal Bible, given to him when he was a small child.

 

Of all the belongings he lost in the divorce, that was the one that hurt him hard. Especially since now that the dust has settled and gone, she's not the fervent believer she was then.

 

That is awful. My guy's ex got religion too. Silly really.

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