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Deep regret as the (supposedly) OW


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I'm new and been reading through threads, wasn't sure this was covered before.

 

I'm feeling very very regretful that I lusted for and spent time with another woman's husband. I don't know if it is guilt or just "feeling bad" but I am very sad of my actions.

 

Some major things have happened in their marriage recently and she has asked him to leave for good this time (nothing to do with me directly). For whatever reason I have become somewhat obsessed with her. He never spoke of her ever really, other than that fact that they "never" had sex and sex was all he was looking for, and he didn't want to "change his situation."

 

Our "relationship" is pretty much over and I am finally getting curious about her so I found four years worth of her forum postings online. We have many similarities, even our birthday is the same. We have read many of the same books. We both are frugal coupon whores. We both have cars that are over 15 years old and we loathe spending money on them. We have nuturing giving personalities. We do not look alike though and I am 20 years older, along with some other differences. I mention it because I assume MM would want someone not like his wife in important ways. *shrug*

 

So at this point, she has become a real person to me and it is intensifying the unpleasant feelings I deserve. It is also obvious from her postings that she was a devoted wife who adores her husband. I am not innocent but her husband is a chronic cheater who is only escalating in his risky sexual behavior. Meaning, she is suffering that even if I didn't exist. (as an aside - he is a troubled man who is so fortunate to have someone so loyal and willing to put up with his flaws yet he messes that up, so stupid)

 

I don't think there is anything I can do except endure it. I have had pain in my own life of course but I generally am not the one to inflict it on others.

 

I call myself the "supposedly" OW: When I met MM is was for a sex only thing but he changed the rules. He texted a lot then when we made plans to meet he would stand me up. If I tried to leave him he would panic and talk me into staying. Since it was to be casual only I didnt make any real demands on him. I thought perhaps he was conflicted about cheating so that is why there was no follow through but later I learned he was banging other(s) as he pleased. He also ran constant ads to meet women for anon sex but claimed he was too nervous to meet me (?). We had phone sex and cam sex and he seemed fine with that. We also had many intimate phone convos and showed our vulnerability, which is what made me fall for him. I got attached long before we had sex - which was only once btw - and while he was "separated". Found out later he and his wife took breaks all the time for a couple of weeks at a time but always went back to normal. It was never due to his cheating, she never knew. She also didnt think they were ever separated enough so that sex with others was allowable.

 

However you want to define it, in my heart I felt like a OW. We spoke almost everyday for months but the physical was clearly lacking, although he swore that is what he wanted. I just shrugged and lived my life, even dated and had sex with others. Feel free to tell me what he even was getting from me, to this day I am so lost on that one, but now that it is over it sure felt like a real "something" to me.

 

 

And for the record, my opinion of MMs who cheat - regardless of any moral opinion - they are selfish bastards who take and take from all their adoring female parties. I cannot believe how used I was and how he chooses shallow dalliances over keeping a loyal wife (who may or may not ever have sex with her husband). She has written he can barely function with what all is going on - which is why I keep hearing from him - but really: you cheat regularly for over a year with as many women as you can get - a quality woman would not stay with you, truly. Consequences. You really cant have your cake and eat it too...endlessly.

 

Anyway, being a OW is painful choice if you are emotionally involved. I never wanted anything from him and knew we would never have a future, yet I am still in plenty of hurt.

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I'm new and been reading through threads, wasn't sure this was covered before.

 

I'm feeling very very regretful that I lusted for and spent time with another woman's husband. I don't know if it is guilt or just "feeling bad" but I am very sad of my actions.

 

Some major things have happened in their marriage recently and she has asked him to leave for good this time (nothing to do with me directly). For whatever reason I have become somewhat obsessed with her. He never spoke of her ever really, other than that fact that they "never" had sex and sex was all he was looking for, and he didn't want to "change his situation."

 

Our "relationship" is pretty much over and I am finally getting curious about her so I found four years worth of her forum postings online. We have many similarities, even our birthday is the same. We have read many of the same books. We both are frugal coupon whores. We both have cars that are over 15 years old and we loathe spending money on them. We have nuturing giving personalities. We do not look alike though and I am 20 years older, along with some other differences. I mention it because I assume MM would want someone not like his wife in important ways. *shrug*

 

So at this point, she has become a real person to me and it is intensifying the unpleasant feelings I deserve. It is also obvious from her postings that she was a devoted wife who adores her husband. I am not innocent but her husband is a chronic cheater who is only escalating in his risky sexual behavior. Meaning, she is suffering that even if I didn't exist. (as an aside - he is a troubled man who is so fortunate to have someone so loyal and willing to put up with his flaws yet he messes that up, so stupid)

 

I don't think there is anything I can do except endure it. I have had pain in my own life of course but I generally am not the one to inflict it on others.

 

I call myself the "supposedly" OW: When I met MM is was for a sex only thing but he changed the rules. He texted a lot then when we made plans to meet he would stand me up. If I tried to leave him he would panic and talk me into staying. Since it was to be casual only I didnt make any real demands on him. I thought perhaps he was conflicted about cheating so that is why there was no follow through but later I learned he was banging other(s) as he pleased. He also ran constant ads to meet women for anon sex but claimed he was too nervous to meet me (?). We had phone sex and cam sex and he seemed fine with that. We also had many intimate phone convos and showed our vulnerability, which is what made me fall for him. I got attached long before we had sex - which was only once btw - and while he was "separated". Found out later he and his wife took breaks all the time for a couple of weeks at a time but always went back to normal. It was never due to his cheating, she never knew. She also didnt think they were ever separated enough so that sex with others was allowable.

 

However you want to define it, in my heart I felt like a OW. We spoke almost everyday for months but the physical was clearly lacking, although he swore that is what he wanted. I just shrugged and lived my life, even dated and had sex with others. Feel free to tell me what he even was getting from me, to this day I am so lost on that one, but now that it is over it sure felt like a real "something" to me.

 

 

And for the record, my opinion of MMs who cheat - regardless of any moral opinion - they are selfish bastards who take and take from all their adoring female parties. I cannot believe how used I was and how he chooses shallow dalliances over keeping a loyal wife (who may or may not ever have sex with her husband). She has written he can barely function with what all is going on - which is why I keep hearing from him - but really: you cheat regularly for over a year with as many women as you can get - a quality woman would not stay with you, truly. Consequences. You really cant have your cake and eat it too...endlessly.

 

Anyway, being a OW is painful choice if you are emotionally involved. I never wanted anything from him and knew we would never have a future, yet I am still in plenty of hurt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is normal to feel regretful and bad...both for your own hurt and for the BS's. What I don't understand is your obsessive researching of the wife and comparing the two of you. Just let it go. You are right...the mm is a bastard, the W is done with him...you should be done with both of them. Something about your interest in the W doesn't seem quite right. Maybe it is part of your working through it all, but I think it will keep you stuck if you don't make the clean break.

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I don't disagree, I find the fixation odd myself.

 

I think when she wasn't "real" it didnt bother me so for whatever reason I need her to be a real person (so I know I screwed up). Maybe I need to sympathize with her so I will stop being available for her hurting husband (?).

 

It is hard for me to shut down and ignore him right now, he really needs someone and I have my own issues that make it hard for me to deny people in need. (She has the same issue)

 

I have never been a OW before. Not liking it, esp. if you care for another. Whew, bad ***** all around.

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Oh, I just realized, I first started reading the wife's posts (all one site btw, not all over the internet) because he is a non-stop liar and I was getting answers finally. (such as, they separated but he moved back in as he always does. but to me - he was still separated and living apart but couldnt have me over because of his "roommate". sigh)

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whatatangledweb

You aren't supposely the OW, you are one. You went to meet up just for sex knowing he was married. You have continued an EA and sexting, that's an affair. Please stop stalking his wife on line. I found out after I found out about my husband's affair that she had done that and I was pissed. Not only had she had an affair but she went as far as she could to dig out things about me that were none of her business.She invaded my privacy every way possible.

 

Her husband is a serial cheater and she may have no clue. She may just think there are issues in her marriage. Run as far from him as possible. There is no good that will come from this for you.

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Coming from someone who was once OW trust me, you ARE OW. If you are having a relationship with another woman's husband and it is anything more than friendship, it is an affair. I won't tell you what to do here, but the online stalking is obsessive and you need to control that. My guy's ex wife did that to me and it was awful.

 

Seems like you need some distance from this mess.

 

Best wishes

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Stop facebook stalking her and reading what she writes online. All that does is keep this in the forefront of your mind.

 

If things are really over, then make yourself stop thinking of them both. Get busy with other friends, etc, this way you can finally move on.

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knowing that the xow stalked me on line for 2 years before I knew of the affair,really pizzed me off m ore than the A itself,i felt violated that some interloper read all my fb post,and wanted to learn everything she could about me,who I was,what I looked like,who my close firnds where etc,it was creepy

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still_an_Angel

You're obsessing over a woman who has not done anything to hurt you. Why do you think you need her to be more "real" in order for you to intensify your feelings of guilt? Is it the thrill of knowing more about her than she knows about you? She probably does not even know you exist. Maybe you feel you got one over her because of the secret you keep for her husband?

 

 

I think you need to get over this, be the OW but run away from stalking his wife, you are not only taking her husband but getting into her life as well and that's bound to be a whammy for the poor W who seems to be a loving, devoted wife to your MM.

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Interesting, I never thought of it that way. I have a lot of respect for her and was curious. I also thinking MM is a total dick now (well, moreso), so it was useful.

 

Right or wrong, she made it very easy to find personal posts. I wish people were smarter with that.

 

I was vague on the OW term because I didn't want to insult people having real relationships. I had a picture in my mind of what a true OW is and I'm not it, but, no problem, I am the OW.

 

Still feeling badly of my behavior of course, and made worse by "getting to know" the wife. Again, right or wrong, that is what it did.

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