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Strung along, or not?


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Hi all.

 

A coworker made his interest in me known to some of my colleagues about 6 months ago, and over time, he built up the courage to say hello and pursue me. I'd say, in the last 2-2.5 months, we've become very close. We have been flirting, going to lunch together, he admitted to looking me up on Facebook because he didn't want to ask outright, he's been open with his past and such. Yesterday evening, we spent a couple of hours together at work, and he was very flirty/touchy.

 

He adds me on Facebook, and we're exchanging messages for a couple of hours. I'm just looking through pictures, and I find that there is a woman liking quite a number of them. I go on her profile, and lo and behold, it turns out they've been in a relationship for little over two months. In my next message, I ask if he has a girlfriend (to see how honest he actually is), and he did confess, but stated that it is early days and he's still trying to work out if they are compatible. He told me about his complete relationship history, but at the end, he said that he hoped it didn't put me off, as he very much enjoys my company. I said that I hoped all turned out well between them, and in regards to his history, that wasn't something that constituted whoring around. He came out of a serious relationship at the beginning of the year, and this is is second girl since, the first one only having lasted a couple of months.

 

But where does that leave me? I stated once in a conversation that men with partners are off-limits, and so perhaps that is why he hasn't been more aggressive in his approach i.e asking for number/Facebook. Some may say that I have been reading the signs wrong, but seeing as it was friends/colleagues who pointed it out to me in the first place and continue to see the signs signs I do, I don't think it is miscommunication on my part.

 

I do like him, but I don't think it is appropriate to reciprocate the flirting and such if he has a girlfriend, even if it is only early days. The more pressing question in my mind at the moment, however, is if I have been strung along as a reserve, or if there is genuine interest there. I don't know if it is bad timing, because he is only just in a relationship with her, or if I am just 'the side chick'.

 

Any help would be appreciated!

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I wouldn't get too involved with this guy. It doesn't sound like he knows what he wants. Or rather, he wants to date around and isn't ready to make a commitment to anyone.

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I wouldn't get too involved with this guy. It doesn't sound like he knows what he wants. Or rather, he wants to date around and isn't ready to make a commitment to anyone.

 

This!

 

 

If he is not single and fully available RUN!

 

 

if you need encouragement read back on the heartbreak and emotional roller coasters that 99.9% of women suffer when they get involved in situations like this.

 

 

Put your foot down. Tell him you "don't share" and unless he is single, has been for a while after his break up then you do not want to know.

 

 

You just "like" him at this stage and haven't developed deeper feelings. RUN while you still can.

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What difference does it make if he's interested in you? Based on his track record & the fact that he's spending time with you behind his gf's back shows that his "interest" doesn't mean much. Don't fool yourself into believing that you are somehow "special". If you were, he wouldn't have a gf & you wouldn't have had to find out via FB. Just because you may be able to "win" him away from her doesn't mean that you won't lose him to the next.

 

And, as a side note--workplace relationships are, most often, not a good idea.

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If you hadn't asked about the woman, he wasn't going to tell you. Fact is, you noticed and brought it up.

 

Ask yourself why you'd even bother making any effort in getting to know him. Stop the fb messages and flirting all together and back off. He doesn't seem like "boyfriend" material, at least not right now.

 

He has a girlfriend and it's shi.tty of him to be dipping in the waters for someone else.

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What difference does it make if he's interested in you? Based on his track record & the fact that he's spending time with you behind his gf's back shows that his "interest" doesn't mean much. Don't fool yourself into believing that you are somehow "special". If you were, he wouldn't have a gf & you wouldn't have had to find out via FB. Just because you may be able to "win" him away from her doesn't mean that you won't lose him to the next.

 

And, as a side note--workplace relationships are, most often, not a good idea.

 

I don't think I am special at all. I take on the rest of your points, however. I do not intend to break the relationship up by any means either, that is childish.

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If you hadn't asked about the woman, he wasn't going to tell you. Fact is, you noticed and brought it up.

 

Ask yourself why you'd even bother making any effort in getting to know him. Stop the fb messages and flirting all together and back off. He doesn't seem like "boyfriend" material, at least not right now.

 

He has a girlfriend and it's shi.tty of him to be dipping in the waters for someone else.

 

I don't think anything with stem from this now anyway. I agree; I'd be peed off/upset/angry if I was in her shoes, hence why I have backed off with the flirting and refuse to engage in that behaviour. I don't think you have the right to complain about a cheating SO if you have been an accessory yourself, so I would never put myself in that situation.

 

It's come to head tonight anyway after some miscommunication today, and currently trying to talk it out.

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chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

I don't know if this guy is as dreadful as everyone makes him sound. While it's shady that he didn't mention her earlier, two months does not always a committed relationship make, especially if they aren't going out every weekend. It could be that the other woman is taking things much more seriously than he is. Is he a jerk, is he clueless, or is he confused? You just don't know.

 

Here's how you find out: Politely explain that you're interested in him, but you won't accept any kind of flirtatious behavior unless he wants to end things with the other girl and pursue you exclusively. Be completely unambiguous about it. Whatever he chooses---breaking up with her and going after you, never speaking to you again, or just being super awkward for a couple weeks---will tell you everything you need to know about his character. Either he steps up to the plate or he doesn't. You don't want a guy who doesn't.

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Uhhh... two months? I think that is a terribly short time to have a full on relationship. And there is nothing wrong with dating more than one person if you have not promised to only date one person. Even then, if I had been dating someone a couple of months and met someone more suited to me great. As long as there are no promises made I think it is fine. That is what dating is for.

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Thanks for your advice. Currently trying to talk things out.

 

Talk what out?

 

He has a g/f. Whatever the time frame, he is with her and you should 'respect' that. He's a jerk for flirting with you while being in a relationship.

 

now that you know he is in a relationship, why are you still involved with him?

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IfWishesWereHorses
Hi all.

 

A coworker made his interest in me known to some of my colleagues about 6 months ago, and over time, he built up the courage to say hello and pursue me. I'd say, in the last 2-2.5 months, we've become very close. We have been flirting, going to lunch together, he admitted to looking me up on Facebook because he didn't want to ask outright, he's been open with his past and such. Yesterday evening, we spent a couple of hours together at work, and he was very flirty/touchy.

 

He adds me on Facebook, and we're exchanging messages for a couple of hours. I'm just looking through pictures, and I find that there is a woman liking quite a number of them. I go on her profile, and lo and behold, it turns out they've been in a relationship for little over two months. In my next message, I ask if he has a girlfriend (to see how honest he actually is), and he did confess, but stated that it is early days and he's still trying to work out if they are compatible. He told me about his complete relationship history, but at the end, he said that he hoped it didn't put me off, as he very much enjoys my company. I said that I hoped all turned out well between them, and in regards to his history, that wasn't something that constituted whoring around. He came out of a serious relationship at the beginning of the year, and this is is second girl since, the first one only having lasted a couple of months.

 

But where does that leave me? I stated once in a conversation that men with partners are off-limits, and so perhaps that is why he hasn't been more aggressive in his approach i.e asking for number/Facebook. Some may say that I have been reading the signs wrong, but seeing as it was friends/colleagues who pointed it out to me in the first place and continue to see the signs signs I do, I don't think it is miscommunication on my part.

 

I do like him, but I don't think it is appropriate to reciprocate the flirting and such if he has a girlfriend, even if it is only early days. The more pressing question in my mind at the moment, however, is if I have been strung along as a reserve, or if there is genuine interest there. I don't know if it is bad timing, because he is only just in a relationship with her, or if I am just 'the side chick'.

 

Any help would be appreciated!

 

I think the important thing here us that it's YOU he expects to understand that there may (or may not be) someone else! Not a place I'd like to be for sure! You're the fall back girl he needs to be happy that she's being told the honest truth with! Is that what you want??? I'm willing to believe that there are people who want better for you! Don't be that person; for anyone!!!!

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Does she know about you? So from your time line he was "making his feelings for you known", flirting with you, making plans with you but also seeing this other woman to the point they are in a relationship?

 

What is this compatibility schtick he's giving you? He's in a relationship with HER. He didn't tell you, you had to find out for yourself he was involved with someone else. He can dress it up like he wants to but he lied. End of.

 

Run, as fast as you can.

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In my next message, I ask if he has a girlfriend (to see how honest he actually is), and he did confess, but stated that it is early days and he's still trying to work out if they are compatible.

So...four months AFTER he expressed his interest in YOU (to your colleagues...why not just ask you out some 6 months ago???), he gets into some kind of serious-type relationship with SOMEONE ELSE? And almost immediately thereafter, THEN he starts flirting with you? (Did I get that right? :confused: )

 

Does that mean that, two months ago, he thought his current g/f was going to be more "compatible" than you? And now, he's not so sure and decided to keep you around as a potential replacement; like a spare part that he might need to press into service?

 

Does he already have his eye on the person who will replace you, if you two turn out to be not "compatible"?

 

Before I put any more time and energy into it, I'd be putting him on the 'hot seat', and asking him these types of questions.

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Talk what out?

 

He has a g/f. Whatever the time frame, he is with her and you should 'respect' that. He's a jerk for flirting with you while being in a relationship.

 

now that you know he is in a relationship, why are you still involved with him?

 

Cutting a long story short, we had an unrelated debate which led to both of us confessing our feelings.

 

By 'talking it out', I stated very clearly that I hope all goes well in his relationship, but I have no intention of being second/the bit on the side. I did express the fact that I was surprised he hadn't mentioned it earlier, but nevertheless, now I know he is taken, I will not be pursuing anything.

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I think the important thing here us that it's YOU he expects to understand that there may (or may not be) someone else! Not a place I'd like to be for sure! You're the fall back girl he needs to be happy that she's being told the honest truth with! Is that what you want??? I'm willing to believe that there are people who want better for you! Don't be that person; for anyone!!!!

 

I understand. I have spoken to a very close friend of mine about the situation, and the more I reflect, the more I see somebody who doesn't know what they want. I, on the other hand, do, and I don't really fancy getting caught up in some love triangle.

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Does she know about you? So from your time line he was "making his feelings for you known", flirting with you, making plans with you but also seeing this other woman to the point they are in a relationship?

 

What is this compatibility schtick he's giving you? He's in a relationship with HER. He didn't tell you, you had to find out for yourself he was involved with someone else. He can dress it up like he wants to but he lied. End of.

 

Run, as fast as you can.

 

I'm guessing she doesn't, because she doesn't live in the same city. I only found out for browsing myself, so she without a doubt is in the dark.

 

To be honest, I was skeptical of that myself. I appreciate that when questioned, he did confess, but I just think it is bizarre she never cropped up in conversation before.

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So...four months AFTER he expressed his interest in YOU (to your colleagues...why not just ask you out some 6 months ago???), he gets into some kind of serious-type relationship with SOMEONE ELSE? And almost immediately thereafter, THEN he starts flirting with you? (Did I get that right? :confused: )

 

Does that mean that, two months ago, he thought his current g/f was going to be more "compatible" than you? And now, he's not so sure and decided to keep you around as a potential replacement; like a spare part that he might need to press into service?

 

Does he already have his eye on the person who will replace you, if you two turn out to be not "compatible"?

 

Before I put any more time and energy into it, I'd be putting him on the 'hot seat', and asking him these types of questions.

 

This is what my first thoughts were. To be honest, I still think the same. I don't really want to get myself into such a mess.

 

We both like each other, but I'm not going to play any part in destroying any woman's life. If he decides to leave her for whatever reason, that decision shouldn't be influenced by anyone other than himself. Personally, the more I think about the circumstances, I feel he should take a break from dating completely to recover from the long term relationship. Therefore, if he did break up with the current girlfriend, I wouldn't fall into his lap.

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