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Affair partner moved on? I'm now (nearly!) single


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Hi Everyone

I would really welcome some advice. Please be gentle...

 

About 4 years ago, I started an affair at a summer party - a lady who I worked with came onto me and in time we fell passionately in love and experienced such heights of joy together.

Fast forward a couple of turbulent years, We both struggled as the reality of leaving our marriages became more apparent. However approx 6 or 7 months ago she left her husband much to my surprise. We continued to meet once or twice a week and as much as I wanted only her and I knew my marriage was dead I couldn't leave my marriage because of my three kids. But then 5 months ago we went NC - I realised I had to have another go at my marriage and let this lady get on with her life and find happiness.

 

If we were meant to be then we would be. A month ago after trying and trying I decided I had had enough with my loveless and lonely marriage, all the reasons for not leaving it now seemed irrelevant and I have since told my wife that I am leaving her. I am in the process of leaving her. There is no turning back. I desperately want to try again with my affair partner - to see if what we had in secret could be even better in the open. I know many of you will say NO NO! it can't be, it was the secrecy and forbidden nature of what we had that made it so passionate but I don't agree. We shared such a connection, we fell so deeply in love and to this day I still find her so bewitching that I cannot think straight when around her.

 

However since we went NC she was introduced to another guy (which I have to accept of course) and they seem to have hit it off (although I have heard from mutual friends that he isn't her usual type and in fact isn't being introduced to friends) Its been approx 2 or 3 months since they got together - He is so very unlike me or even her past husband, in fact all the indicators are that he is a rebound (wishful thinking?!). She is going through a very unpleasant divorce and I am sure he is a good distraction but when I see how upset and stressed she gets, I want to be the one there for her desperately.

 

She is still happy to meet with me to help me with my separation etc and we get on well. I do get the impression that she still has feelings for me but she also said that she has feelings for this other guy. Its complex! I am leaving my wife regardless. My marriage is over and I am excited about the prospect of a fresh start but I would really like to try again with this wonderful lady. I have concluded that I need to play the long game, and not rush anything. If this other guy is indeed a rebound then thats all good for me - he can be the punch bag / support whilst she works her way thru the divorce so when /if we do get-together she will be in a better place hopefully. However in the meantime i am absolutely distraught with jealousy for what they may or may not be getting up to. I would give nearly anything to hold her and to feel her lips on mine. To think of some other man holding my girl kills me.

 

So what do you all say? If I could find the strength I would leave her alone until i had moved out of the matrimonial home (imminent btw) and established in a new life of singledom. As it stand I can't ask her come to me when I am still living with the wife (albeit not full-time) anyway.

Most of the time my attentions are on leaving my wife, and getting on with my life / looking after myself but we live in a small town and we bump into each other...

 

My head says let her go and she will come back once this rebound is done, but my heart throbs with jealousy for what they are sharing right now.

Please help!!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Hold your horses. She's not your girl yet. And since you were both married when you were together, she never really was. You'll know in time if you both still have feelings that are worth pursuing after both divorces are final. I hope you both know what you're doing. My MC told me that so many marriages end while the wayward spouse is in the affair fog. Then it's too late. But if you truly went nc and tried, then maybe it's for the best.

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I don't think you can expect her take you seriously once she knew you decided to work on your marriage, if she had wanted to be with you. You'll have to finalize the divorce to possibly turn her head again.

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Thankyou PinkLotus. You are right of course she is not my girl but when we were together we talked about growing old together and how we both felt it inevitable.

On the matter of the affair fog, I am well aware of this but am absolutely confident I am leavings wife for the right reasons. I went NC with this other lady for a long time and for all intentions we had both moved on whilst I have the marriage another go. I was brought up to believe marriage was important especially when kids are involved.

Thanks again.

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Thankyou loveboid. I agree - I can't expect anything from her until I can properly show my commitment and I will try and keep my distance in the meantime. . The reason I had to go back and try again with my wife was my kids. My affair partner understood this. And respected me for this. She said she would wait for me as long as I needed to leave my wife but at the time the guilt of keeping her hanging on was just getting too much to bear when I didn't know how long it would take or even if if would be possible. I had to keep the faith and let her go so that when we could finally be together it could be pure and proper. I had to trust in fate.

And I have to continue trusting in fate. My attentions are on ending my marriage and protecting my children. Whatever happens it won't be pleasant.

Thanks again.

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First things first. Get divorced.

 

If you intend to leave there is no "process" to it. You move, file for divorce and sort through your crap before the D is finalized.

 

Separating is no guarantee a man will divorce. Don't date her again until you are completely divorced.

 

She needs to date? Let her date.

 

I think you're doing something now because you're scared she met someone new and is dating. No relationship is good when based on fear. See a counselor to help you with those fears.

 

Being on your own until you're divorced is healthier for you.

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Thanks Beach. Wise words - it has crossed my Mind the my frantic affection for her is due to the fear she has found someone else. You are probably right. However this is Seperate to my desire to leave my wife which is a decision I have made over many years free of affair fog.

The thought of being on my own is appealing.

The impression I'm getting here is I need to be patient. Problem is that I am feeling anything but!

Thanks again

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I can understand how you can be in the process of divorce, but how on earth can someone be "in the process" of leaving??.

 

You have an awkward conversation, you walk out the door, you leave. There is no "process". And I should imagine she is thinking the same thing.

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Hi mascara. If only it were that simple. We run a business together and so har joint responsibility for all the finances etc. Emotionally I have left, physically I am still having to play a role winding down the business. This takes time frustratingly.

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Hi mascara. If only it were that simple. We run a business together and so har joint responsibility for all the finances etc. Emotionally I have left, physically I am still having to play a role winding down the business. This takes time frustratingly.

 

Doesn't mean you have to live in the same house.

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Thanks Mascara - True. We don't need to be in same house. You are right. Not sure what else to say there - if I was to leave then she would collapse and the business would auger and neither of us would have any financial stability post divorce. I should just bite the bullet and go.

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Hi LadyLuck - good question! Nothing physical is going on but emotionally she is being there for me as much as she can considering the horrible divorce she is having to go thru. She listens to my frustations and anger and grief and is sympathetic as she is going thru similar. I realise tho that such toxic situation won't necessarily build a strong foundation for any future time together so I have started looking elsewhere for emotional support. I've been giving it some thought - if she had serious feelings only for her current (rebound!?) partner and not for me then she would make it clear and have no time for me surely?! I think willing to meet - even if nothing physical goes on- and even if it is normally me that initiates meeting is a reason fr hope no? Only one month ago we hadn't spoken for some four or five months approx. so considering the time spent pretty much NC I am happy where we are.

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Thanks Mascara - True. We don't need to be in same house. You are right. Not sure what else to say there - if I was to leave then she would collapse and the business would auger and neither of us would have any financial stability post divorce. I should just bite the bullet and go.

 

 

 

Something's fishy. Your wife will collapse if you leave? I thought you said she is already aware that you are leaving. I would think that if you two had a serious discussion and agreed to end the marriage or even if she didn't agree to it but knows that her marriage is ending anyways, that she would be making plans for her future as well. Or is she just sitting around waiting to collapse the very moment you walk out the door? I have a feeling you haven't really taken any concrete steps towards leaving and you while you may have flippantly said something about leaving in the heat of an argument with your wife, you haven't seriously discussed leaving with her.

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Hi Anika99. It does sound fishy doesn't it. Apologies for not explaining better. We run a business together that requires her to be front of house smiling and welcoming. Yesterday after a very difficult night of talk she was so distraught she couldn't face the prospect of forcing a smile. So I had to work instead. If I had not, the business would not have been open and we would have made any money. It's a messed up situation that leaves me feeling so trapped. We are in the process of winding the business down but in the meantime it is like purgatory. I am in the process of leaving. It can't go on

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She has her freedom now, and is happily having amazing sex with a free man as well. I don't see her going back to you, she is exploring her newly single life, sexuality, freedom, power, its all exciting and new, why settle back down again with one person? Especially one tied into the old mess of her marriage and yours?

 

Finish your divorce, work on you (counseling, exercise, etc) then get out and date others. If you focus on getting your mistress back - and waiting for it to happen - your stuck. You have lots of work to do.

 

My two cents.

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Ouch.Dichotomy. I asked for people to be gentle. I'm coming to terms with her being with another man and I am making progress but that's not helpful

 

It was a bit hard, too hard I suppose, I was trying to jolt you - but it was meant to be helpful. Despite having been a BS/BH my goal in my post - was to put you (shove you) in a good place sooner than later. Focus on you - and drop the thoughts about the gal who is now with another man, I guess was my point.

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If people are harsh with you it's because everything you're saying is pretty much what their MM has said to them as a reason for why they're still married 1/2/5/10 years into the affair.

 

I'm not an OW, but I doubt you'll get much support from those that are until you've actually left the marital home. Until then, in they're eyes, you're just another MM with a whole list of buts.

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if she had serious feelings only for her current (rebound!?) partner and not for me then she would make it clear and have no time for me surely?! I think willing to meet - even if nothing physical goes on- and even if it is normally me that initiates meeting is a reason fr hope no? Only one month ago we hadn't spoken for some four or five months approx. so considering the time spent pretty much NC I am happy where we are.

 

Thanks everyone for yr input so far. It's actually been very helpful. Altho can't ask opinions on this...? What do you think? I am kidding myself?

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It is amazing to me how people feel "trapped" in their marriage and so "free" while having an affair. I am assuming there was a time when you and your wife enjoyed one another's company and loved each other enough to get married, have three children, develop a life and a business together. What's gonna be different with your mistress or any other woman? If you feel "trapped" how do you think your wife feels? Relations are maintained by effort - they are purposeful in nature - and all the fuzzy feelings will wear off no matter who you end up with. It's so sad how people think that things will suddenly become "better" when they move on to another relationship. In the meantime, the children are left to deal with the heartache and brokenness that they had no choice in whatsoever. They simply have to deal with the emotional aftermath. No judgment just sadness in my heart because I am five years post-divorce and wish I could go back in time and do whatever it took to fix my marriage.

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Thankyou GoBlue for your input. It is sad. It is impossibly sad and I agree that a marriage required work ad commitment but I simply cannot go on any longer. One of out daughters asked why we were crying yesterday and so we explained that mummy has hurt daddy as daddy is upset. Heart breaking. But the prospect of staying for even more heartbreak all round Is terrifying.

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Thankyou GoBlue for your input. It is sad. It is impossibly sad and I agree that a marriage required work ad commitment but I simply cannot go on any longer. One of out daughters asked why we were crying yesterday and so we explained that mummy has hurt daddy as daddy is upset. Heart breaking. But the prospect of staying for even more heartbreak all round Is terrifying.

 

Mom hurt dad? sorry but dad is leaving mom for a mistress ,how is that?

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