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Hi,

 

I am a 50 year old woman. I was divorced 10 years ago and had 3 relationships since then that have not worked out in the end. I became involved with a man I dated in 9th grade. We have kept in touch over the years he lives on the East Coast, and I live on the West Coast. About 9 years ago he had a business trip here and we met up and had a nice evening visiting. After that we started an emotional type relationship which was basically over when I got a new relationship. He is a married man.

 

We kept in contact here and there, but in Jan of 2013 he arranged a business trip here and we met up for drinks and dinner, which quickly led to sleeping together everynight the week he was here. In March 2013 we met up in Las Vegas while he was on business there. This is when he told me he loved me, and that once his kids all go to college he wants to leave his wife. He said he left three times before but, came back quickly. He is a very hands on father and won't leave again until the kids are all in college. We became best friends texting almost constantly, always saying goodnight and goodmorning and a million texts during the day.

 

OK, fast forward... he was out here in July we spent his birthday together and had an amazing time. We even took pictures together and he said it was fine if I post them on FB. Just pictures of the two of us at lunch with a beautiful ocean view in the back ground. Anyway during this visit I said I can't keep doing this once that your kids are gone. He told me his wife knows he is only there for the kids. Aug came and they took the last kid off to college. That night her FB profile picture was updated to a family picture that was taken last fall. I told him that I was upset, and that I thought he was moving in the direction of leaving. He said he was, and he had nothing to do with what she puts on FB.That was about 4 weeks ago.

 

He then booked some vacation days and a flight and he will be here 2 weeks from today. But, last weekend they made a road trip to one of the boys colleges and then this past weekend the same but to the other boys' college. He was pretty weird all last week. I was pressuring him about what he is doing about leaving her like he said he would. He just said he just needs to "get the balls to do it." He also said he is afraid of losing his kids. So, this past Friday he was not feeling well and was very emotional. I asked him again about leaving her and he told me he can't stop crying and he went home from work. He was depressed and distant all day Thursday and Friday I only text back when he text me and tried to be supportive. I figured this must be a very difficult struggle.

 

Saturday morning he text and said he had just gotten to the college to see the football game and see his son. I said oh and with your wife? He didn't reply for several hours then replied he was just there enjoying time with his son, but yes she was there. I was really upset. The two days prior I thought were all about him getting the nerve to leave and maybe it was not that at all? I got pretty scared that maybe he wanted to break up with me. I asked him and he said he did not want that. But, the rest of the day the texts were minimal and distant. I don't know what happened to me, but I said to myself this needs to come to a head one way or another. I drank 2 glasses of wine, cried and cried and then I sent her a message to her FB inbox. We have a friend in common so it went right to the inbox where she would see it.

 

This is what I wrote:

I know this might be difficult to understand. I don't want to say more than this. I am giving you your husband back. You can get the information from him. I don't want to go back and forth. Good luck to you both. You need to make him feel loved. He needs that.

 

 

About 15 minutes before she read it I messaged him and told him what I did. I told him I feel like he was using me and I needed a way out of this nightmare.

 

She saw the message and she did not reply. I didn't hear from him again that night, Saturday night. Sunday morning, he text me and said he was never using me. I text again saying how it feels like that and he said, "I wasn't trying to do that. I really wasn't" I told him that as he knows I was at my breaking point with this being the other woman thing. I was drowning and he wouldn't throw me the life vest. This is true I cried when we were together in July explaining how something needs to change I can't go on like this and he said he would figure it out. He was kind, and loving. I trusted this.

 

He replied, "I'm sorry."

Then nothing else all day. I text at one point telling him how upset I was and I can't even function. No reply. This morning he text me and said, "you have no idea what I am going through, my life is over."

 

I replied

"if your marriage mattered so much why did you choose to become so close to me? If you wife finding out about me makes your live "over" the I guess this relationship was a big fat joke and had no meaning." No reply

almost two years of hearing how much he loves me how he screwed up being with me when we were young and he will never screw that up again. Millions of texts saying he loves me, and wants to be with me. Songs and movies that remind him of us. Promises...etc.

 

Now I am the bad guy?

 

She blocked me on FB, but then unblocked me a few hours later.

 

I am just broken. I told him a million times I cannot do this if he isn't genuine and he always reassured me that it is about his kids and I mattered to him and he loved me and would be with me.

 

I just don't know what to do right now. He hasn't told me to get lost, he hasn't been mean. He hasn't gotten upset, but he is telling me his life is over? What do I do. I know when it all blows up everything is a big mess. Feelings and people are not in their right mind.

 

I was in a marriage that I shouldn't have ever been in and I wound up getting divorced and during that time we were not in our right mind. I feel really lost without communicating with him. I feel like he doesn't care how hard this is for me.

 

I called in sick to work today. I can't be this non-functional, but I cannot function today. I can't eat, I feel horrible. I keep crying.

 

Sorry this is so long. I am glad I found this board. I need support from people that get it. Right now I feel tricked and I feel like a home wrecker.

 

Why did she block me and unblock me on FB? If she sends me a message do I answer, or do I block her at this point. You can't see much on my public profile so it's not that big of a deal to not block her. I feel bad though, maybe they weren't as unhappy as he made me think? Maybe she really loves him? Ugh...I am going crazy, and I miss him. I feel horrible. But, I can't keep being the other woman. What was I thinking busting this wide open? Ugh. :(

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I feel bad though, maybe they weren't as unhappy as he made me think? Maybe she really loves him?

 

Bingo! He wanted an affair with you and future faked and made promises he knew he'd never be able to live up to, but he said all that stuff to keep you as the OW, to keep you interested and hanging on year after year. He never had any intention of divorcing his wife. Using the kids (once they all are in college he'll leave) as a reason also was crap and a lie.

 

MM lie and yours lied well. You told his wife and now the shi.t has hit the fan. Be prepared (and I hope you do allow her to ask you questions since you reached out to her first and told her about the affair) to face your own consequences and actions in this. Blaming him is fine but some of that blame has to also square on your shoulders. He led you on, but you chose to have an affair with a MM and believe all his lies and manipulations. Apologize to her for your part in the affair, just tell her your truth, what you believed to be true.

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You willingly began a relationship with a married man. He fed you lies, you believed them. Why would you then write his wife and tell her she can now have her husband back? You should have sent her that email way before you began having a physical/emotional affair with her husband. But you did it to be hurtful because you were hurting.

 

 

As long as the affair was what you wanted, you accept him and his behavior.

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I believed him. Maybe I believed him because I wanted to? I don't know. I am not a bad person. I made a bad decision. I do feel horrible. I knew it was wrong. I did do it anyway, but I trusted him. I also over and over told him to please let me go if he wasn't truly planning on leaving her. He always reassured me that he loved. I don't know. I am struggling. Sorry. This is hard for everyone.

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Be prepared (and I hope you do allow her to ask you questions since you reached out to her first and told her about the affair) to face your own consequences and actions in this. Blaming him is fine but some of that blame has to also square on your shoulders. He led you on, but you chose to have an affair with a MM and believe all his lies and manipulations. Apologize to her for your part in the affair, just tell her your truth, what you believed to be true.

 

 

Are you saying I should reach out again and explain? I don't know if that is a good idea, unless she asks. It's already bad enough. I don't want to make anything worse. I do feel horrible. I really did believe him. So many things he said seemed legit. I don't know? I am sad and I do feel like a fool and a bad person.

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I believed him. Maybe I believed him because I wanted to? I don't know. I am not a bad person. I made a bad decision. I do feel horrible. I knew it was wrong. I did do it anyway, but I trusted him. I also over and over told him to please let me go if he wasn't truly planning on leaving her. He always reassured me that he loved. I don't know. I am struggling. Sorry. This is hard for everyone.

 

I know you believed and trusted him. Sorry he put you through all this hurt.

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She blocked then unblocked you because she is battling herself over how much she wants to know. Betrayed spouses have a hard time with how much they want to know.

 

Yes, I too believe he never intended on leaving his marriage. He gaged you and knew that you wouldn't be ok with just an affair so he lied to keep it going. Maybe he truly believed it when he was with you and saying it. Maybe it wasn't until it was time to do it that he couldn't. Also you may have gotten too pushy and scared him abit. Either way you know now. The question is will you allow him to continue to eat cake?

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She blocked then unblocked you because she is battling herself over how much she wants to know. Betrayed spouses have a hard time with how much they want to know.

 

Yes, I too believe he never intended on leaving his marriage. He gaged you and knew that you wouldn't be ok with just an affair so he lied to keep it going. Maybe he truly believed it when he was with you and saying it. Maybe it wasn't until it was time to do it that he couldn't. Also you may have gotten too pushy and scared him abit. Either way you know now. The question is will you allow him to continue to eat cake?

 

No. I won't. I need to put my big girl panties on and do the no contact. I have reached out to him a couple of times telling him that I trusted him. (funny thing to say I guess). He is obviously very upset with me. But, he knows what he said to me, and he knows I believed he would leave. So, in hindsight, I should have never allowed this to go on. The trust should have come with the proof of him leaving. And the fact that he is ignoring me and my feelings right now is a big lightening bolt that shows me, it really was all about him. My feelings are not important whatsoever. Hard to swallow. I really thought I mattered. ugh.

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I decided to contact her one more time to say this. Reading back maybe it still sounds like I am blaming him? But, I did apologize and that was my intent in sending this. She read it 30 minutes ago. I feel so sick. I mean physically sick. I am realizing what a horrible person I am.

 

I'm so sorry for my part in this. I believed so many lies. I trusted xxxx. I do feel horrible. I really did think that your marriage was only for the kids. He told me he had always planned to leave once the kids were gone and that you knew that. I am so sorry.

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Donesharing, stop beating yourself up. You trusted and believed this man, and he didn't deserve it.

 

 

His wife knows now, and that is a good thing, because now both of you know that he is a liar and a cheat.

 

 

It really is true that if he lies to his wife he will lie to you also.

 

 

Now, just leave it all alone. You have blown it out of the water and the affair is over. Focus on your recovery, not theirs. You participated in the damage, yes, but remember that this man created that damage... to both of you.

 

 

It is an opportunity for you to move forward, with integrity and honesty. Treat it as such. Now stand up, get something to eat, and maybe go for a walk. Be your own best friend. Stop the negative self talk and focus on all the wonderful things you are.

 

 

Take this as an experience you can learn from and never repeat. There is always a valuable lesson in life's difficulties. You will find yours.

 

 

And a big (((hug))). Don't listen to anyone who wants to beat you down... they are operating from a place of their own pain. Just hang in there.

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Donesharing, stop beating yourself up. You trusted and believed this man, and he didn't deserve it.

 

 

His wife knows now, and that is a good thing, because now both of you know that he is a liar and a cheat.

 

 

It really is true that if he lies to his wife he will lie to you also.

 

 

Now, just leave it all alone. You have blown it out of the water and the affair is over. Focus on your recovery, not theirs. You participated in the damage, yes, but remember that this man created that damage... to both of you.

 

 

It is an opportunity for you to move forward, with integrity and honesty. Treat it as such. Now stand up, get something to eat, and maybe go for a walk. Be your own best friend. Stop the negative self talk and focus on all the wonderful things you are.

 

 

Take this as an experience you can learn from and never repeat. There is always a valuable lesson in life's difficulties. You will find yours.

 

 

And a big (((hug))). Don't listen to anyone who wants to beat you down... they are operating from a place of their own pain. Just hang in there.

 

Thank you so much.

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Are you saying I should reach out again and explain? I don't know if that is a good idea, unless she asks. It's already bad enough. I don't want to make anything worse. I do feel horrible. I really did believe him. So many things he said seemed legit. I don't know? I am sad and I do feel like a fool and a bad person.

 

You can't just drop a bomb like that into someone's life and then walk away without explaining yourself. Eventually she will want to ask you questions and talk to you. Her whole world has been turned upside down. The man she married cheated and betrayed her - He may have made it seem like his marriage wasn't good and she neglected him, or maybe he even implied she didn't love him. The thing is, you only heard one side, (his side) and his side was skewed because he had invested interest in having an affair. If he had told you his marriage was fantastic, he loved his wife and he was really happy, would you have stopped to have an affair with him? If he said he made love to his wife practically every night - Would you still want to have sex with him?

 

You made a bad decision and picked the wrong type of man to get involved with. Now, it's over and you can learn from this. Know your boundaries, respect a marriage, even if the person is offering themselves up to you - they are still married and living life with their spouse and kids.

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You made a bad decision and picked the wrong type of man to get involved with. Now, it's over and you can learn from this. Know your boundaries, respect a marriage, even if the person is offering themselves up to you - they are still married and living life with their spouse and kids.

 

Yes, three in college. He and I have known each other since the 9th grade. We have always kept in touch. He confided a lot in me about their life since before we started this. He told me for years he was gone once the kids were "grown."

Two years ago his time frame was to leave when the youngest went to college. So, when that happened a month ago, I asked him to work towards that. I told him I couldn't stay around if he didn't. He kept saying he was going to. I didn't give it much time. I figured if he really meant it than within a couple of weeks of them all being out of the house he would do what he had said all along. I did get pushy about it. Then he kept saying how hard it was and how I didn't understand. I feel very evil though telling her. I wish I would have just walked away without being the home wrecker.

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No. I won't. I need to put my big girl panties on and do the no contact. I have reached out to him a couple of times telling him that I trusted him. (funny thing to say I guess). He is obviously very upset with me. But, he knows what he said to me, and he knows I believed he would leave. So, in hindsight, I should have never allowed this to go on. The trust should have come with the proof of him leaving. And the fact that he is ignoring me and my feelings right now is a big lightening bolt that shows me, it really was all about him. My feelings are not important whatsoever. Hard to swallow. I really thought I mattered. ugh.

 

It's a painful reality check that you aren't his first priority. He's a real shi.t to do this to you, I know you're hurting. Now he is facing his wife and her pain, her devastation and all the trust she had in him is all gone. She probably feels like her marriage was a lie. She didn't ask for this...I mean if their marriage was bad, he should have divorced her. IF their marriage is bad, then this affair will be the last nail in the coffin.

 

Be aware though, she may kick him out and he'll come running to you, so he may show up by default. Slam the door in his face IF he does this.

 

You mattered when he needed you to matter. He did care, during the A, but now that it's over he may be having his own wake up/reality check as in, seeing his wife's reaction could make what he felt for you disappear quickly. He is about to see what he's going to lose. His family unit as one, his inlaws, some friends, a house, a life built and all that he worked hard for - ALL gone by his own selfish greedy actions... Chances are, he's begging for forgiveness.

 

I decided to contact her one more time to say this. Reading back maybe it still sounds like I am blaming him? But, I did apologize and that was my intent in sending this. She read it 30 minutes ago. I feel so sick. I mean physically sick. I am realizing what a horrible person I am.

 

I'm so sorry for my part in this. I believed so many lies. I trusted xxxx. I do feel horrible. I really did think that your marriage was only for the kids. He told me he had always planned to leave once the kids were gone and that you knew that. I am so sorry.

 

This note you sent her is honest and shows her how he led you to believe something that wasn't true. You are sincere and apologetic so she will see this though don't expect her to thank you or be happy...She is upset and angry. if she writes back and wants details (sex etc) it may be uncomfortable but do answer what she needs to know.

 

As for him, do not reach out to him. if he contacts you, either ignore him or tell him you have nothing to say and he should be speaking to his wife. That you're done and never want to hear from him again.

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Yes, three in college. He and I have known each other since the 9th grade. We have always kept in touch. He confided a lot in me about their life since before we started this. He told me for years he was gone once the kids were "grown."

Two years ago his time frame was to leave when the youngest went to college. So, when that happened a month ago, I asked him to work towards that. I told him I couldn't stay around if he didn't. He kept saying he was going to. I didn't give it much time. I figured if he really meant it than within a couple of weeks of them all being out of the house he would do what he had said all along. I did get pushy about it. Then he kept saying how hard it was and how I didn't understand. I feel very evil though telling her. I wish I would have just walked away without being the home wrecker.

 

You could own this and tell her if she writes you again, that you were pushing him hard for him to leave when he said he was going to.

 

And you don't understand, a month after his youngest kid went off to college, there was no way he was gonna just up and leave. divorce and move out, then start a new life with you. Things don't work that way so on some level you both had a little fantasy going...

 

He is the home wrecker here. You helped him cheat and betray his wife, but he is the one who said vows to her...

 

Surround yourself with some women friends who you can talk to..Coming here will be helpful but you need support from those who love and care about you.

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Be aware though, she may kick him out and he'll come running to you, so he may show up by default. Slam the door in his face IF he does this.

 

You mattered when he needed you to matter. He did care, during the A, but now that it's over he may be having his own wake up/reality check as in, seeing his wife's reaction could make what he felt for you disappear quickly. He is about to see what he's going to lose. His family unit as one, his inlaws, some friends, a house, a life built and all that he worked hard for - ALL gone by his own selfish greedy actions... Chances are, he's begging for forgiveness.

 

 

 

This note you sent her is honest and shows her how he led you to believe something that wasn't true. You are sincere and apologetic so she will see this though don't expect her to thank you or be happy...She is upset and angry. if she writes back and wants details (sex etc) it may be uncomfortable but do answer what she needs to know.

 

As for him, do not reach out to him. if he contacts you, either ignore him or tell him you have nothing to say and he should be speaking to his wife. That you're done and never want to hear from him again.

 

I did contact him this morning and he only replied, "You have no idea what I am going through, my life is over."

 

Felt like a big fat slap in my face. All along he had told me he would leave because he loved me and I am who he wants to be with. That she knew he was only there for the kids. A month ago, I asked him face to face if she would be blindsided when he left. He said, "No, she knows I am there for the kids." Now today, His life is over? I thought I was going to be his life? Such a big reality check. I am so hurt, and I do deserve it. But, still it is really painful.

 

If they do break up and he comes to me that will be really hard for me to refuse. I am just being honest. I mean that was the entire plan up until yesterday when I revealed this.

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I do not believe you need to explain any more to her unless you truly want to. You ended it, you told her. Her husband is the one who must answer to her for his indescretion. You can move on knowing you did the right thing. I hope you feel better soon.

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I did contact him this morning and he only replied, "You have no idea what I am going through, my life is over."

 

Felt like a big fat slap in my face. All along he had told me he would leave because he loved me and I am who he wants to be with. That she knew he was only there for the kids. A month ago, I asked him face to face if she would be blindsided when he left. He said, "No, she knows I am there for the kids." Now today, His life is over? I thought I was going to be his life? Such a big reality check. I am so hurt, and I do deserve it. But, still it is really painful.

 

If they do break up and he comes to me that will be really hard for me to refuse. I am just being honest. I mean that was the entire plan up until yesterday when I revealed this.

 

Guess he is implying that you took the decision out of his hand and forced it into your hands, therefore putting it all on his wife. Boo hoo! He can suck it up and face what he's done now. He's pissed because chances are he wasn't going to leave and you telling his wife now blew up his world as he once knew it. He was in full control and now he has none.

 

If you take him into your house right after, get ready for hell to happen. His kids will never accept you.

 

He will need time to adjust and deal with the changes.

 

Anyway, don't go there because chances are, it's not going to happen.

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Y

 

Surround yourself with some women friends who you can talk to..Coming here will be helpful but you need support from those who love and care about you.

 

I have only one close friend that knows about this. She has been supportive all along, but she always believed he would never leave. But, right now she is telling me to get over it and move on. I do have to go through the grieving process....it is how we heal. I know that much. But, I don't think she wants to listen to me go through it. It's more like an "I told you so.."

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I do not believe you need to explain any more to her unless you truly want to. You ended it, you told her. Her husband is the one who must answer to her for his indescretion. You can move on knowing you did the right thing. I hope you feel better soon.

 

Respectfully I disagree. She can't just do that to another human being. It's cruel. Tell her and then hide, not to answer questions. She confessed the truth to mm's wife, she needs to stand up and take responsibility for it and if MM's wife needs to ask her about the affair, hear more about her side of things, she should give MM's wife the time of day to answer her questions.

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I have only one close friend that knows about this. She has been supportive all along, but she always believed he would never leave. But, right now she is telling me to get over it and move on. I do have to go through the grieving process....it is how we heal. I know that much. But, I don't think she wants to listen to me go through it. It's more like an "I told you so.."

 

Hugs to you. Nobody should be told to just 'get over it' or 'I told you so.'

 

You need to grieve the loss. Take good care of yourself and if you feel you can't handle this on your own, seek therapy to help you cope with this in a healthy way.

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I don't think she is going to ask me any questions. She hasn't so far. The only thing that happened is she read my first message. Then she blocked me about 12 hours later. Then she unblocked me. Then I sent this message today. My friend thinks I should block her. But, I am not going to. I figure if she wants to yell at me or talk to me or ask questions I won't run and hide. I will decide how to answer or if I should after I read her questions. For some reason I just don't think she will ask.

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I don't think she is going to ask me any questions. She hasn't so far. The only thing that happened is she read my first message. Then she blocked me about 12 hours later. Then she unblocked me. Then I sent this message today. My friend thinks I should block her. But, I am not going to. I figure if she wants to yell at me or talk to me or ask questions I won't run and hide. I will decide how to answer or if I should after I read her questions. For some reason I just don't think she will ask.

 

Her world has been shattered so emotions are all over the place. She may want to ask something when she calms down, so it is good that you're not going to block her. Now, with that said, as long as she understands that you will answer what she needs to know and it's respectful. If she gets pissy and mean with you, abusive etc., you don't need to take that so do let her know (only if it goes that direction) conversations have to be respectful and not out of control.

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Her world has been shattered so emotions are all over the place. She may want to ask something when she calms down, so it is good that you're not going to block her. Now, with that said, as long as she understands that you will answer what she needs to know and it's respectful. If she gets pissy and mean with you, abusive etc., you don't need to take that so do let her know (only if it goes that direction) conversations have to be respectful and not out of control.

 

 

Ok, that makes perfect sense. If she is mean or calls me names I will tell her exactly that. I don't want to run and hide. I think being available is more mature and appropriate. I think at some point if I were in her shoes I would ask at least a few questions. If she really did think she had a good marriage she must be devastated. I know only what he has told me. 1. He sleeps in the basement. 2. He is not happy. 3. They do nothing together unless it is with the kids. 4. He has never said a bad word about her to me, and I did respect that. I asked him about that and he said, he can't say anything bad about her, she is a good person and the mother of his children. However, he should have never married her. He left her soon after they were married and she found out she was pregnant, so he went back because of the baby. They had two more children very quickly after that and he committed himself to staying until they were grown. Also, she and him always vacation separately, and that is the truth. In the last few years and the pictures I see on FB she is either vacationing with her sisters, or with her friends. Never with him or with him and the kids. She has taken her sons on a few trips alone with her sometimes one of them at a time, and he has done the same. Only once since we have been "seeing" each other did he go away with her with a bunch of neighbors for a weekend, but he was sick and basically didn't go out of the hotel. It is true, he wound up having pneumonia. He told me ahead of time that he had made the plans about a year before and he felt badly that he was going, because he knew it would hurt me.

 

Anyway, this is probably too much to talk about here. But, this is what I have seen the entire time. He also texts me 24/7. Wouldn't you notice if your husband was constantly texting someone? Men don't text each other like that.

 

So, from what I was seeing It really seemed as if they didn't have a good marriage. And it wasn't just what he said, it was because I have been "stalking" LOL her FB for the entire time.

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