feel like Im gonna break in two

[herself]

I just love my xeap. I love him. Have always loved him in some way...platonically for most of the friendship but maybe even from day one.

The eap has been broken but after all this time...all these years I still love him. Miss him all the time.

We never future faked or made plans to be together and we never would have left our spouses.

Many will disagree but I DON'T care and will not ever for a second justify nor defend that I DID and strongly DO love my husband, Im never losing him.

My love for my eap was a private secret world I was swept up in.

It took him 12 yrs to call me his best friend and over a decade to openly profess love. I couldn't BELIEVE the words.

I will never understand how can I bury this love.

I miss the days of not loving him.

He cant ever be by my side for good...nor I by his.

So cant the love effing dieM

die?

Its still hurting. I still long for it to be there. It was the real deal.

I didnt tell my husband and will never ever follow advice to do so EVER no matter what.

I just feel sometimes that even if its wrong I still want it because its so painful to live without such a deep caring love. And without that friendship.

Im happily married why in gods name would I feel this way?

[Ronni_W]

Hugs.

I'm sorry it's been so difficult for you, herself.

[herself]

Man, he pleaded for me not to run away from him once I started getting more out of him and me being able to finally speak openly that I found it so hard to risk us getting caught and him losing his family. As it was I was trying to regain some control and boundaries by asking that we do not communicate at all on weekends whatsoever and sometimes made a few excuses as to why I couldn't talk on my work commutes so that it wouldn't get too much.

We just got SO close it was surreal.

And in the end after talking it out I finally said lets do the right thing mutually to protect our spouses from pain.

He said, this way I can still have you and that love for you but not express it or coomunicate it so explicitly like we used to contain it...then I wont lose you for good, meaning if we were caught it would be over forever, but if we just go vanilla in the short term (meaning he was keeping the door open for slip ups, yep) we could stay in eachothers lives as just friends.

 

I explained I couldn't be a boomerang going back and forth, that we would be in a cycle and end up back in.

I wrote him an email the next morning letting him know I was deleting my private email that was just for him and asked him to do the same.

Heart/gut wrenching decision. I hate it. Life is unfair.

It was the BEST of both worlds. A beautiful existence really in the big picture.

But painful for the heart to want 2 things.

[FusionCutter]

Man, he pleaded for me not to run away from him once I started getting more out of him and me being able to finally speak openly that I found it so hard to risk us getting caught and him losing his family. As it was I was trying to regain some control and boundaries by asking that we do not communicate at all on weekends whatsoever and sometimes made a few excuses as to why I couldn't talk on my work commutes so that it wouldn't get too much.

We just got SO close it was surreal.

And in the end after talking it out I finally said lets do the right thing mutually to protect our spouses from pain.

He said, this way I can still have you and that love for you but not express it or coomunicate it so explicitly like we used to contain it...then I wont lose you for good, meaning if we were caught it would be over forever, but if we just go vanilla in the short term (meaning he was keeping the door open for slip ups, yep) we could stay in eachothers lives as just friends.

 

I explained I couldn't be a boomerang going back and forth, that we would be in a cycle and end up back in.

I wrote him an email the next morning letting him know I was deleting my private email that was just for him and asked him to do the same.

Heart/gut wrenching decision. I hate it. Life is unfair.

It was the BEST of both worlds. A beautiful existence really in the big picture.

But painful for the heart to want 2 things.

 

We'll try to have empathy for others and think about the spouses and what's fair for them.

[sunburned]

Sorry, herself: ( You do have one of the more unique situations on this board. Wasn't it a 13 year EA? I thought u went NC for a few months, regrouped then were able to bounce back to a friendship. Are u missing it being more than that? Would u be better off returning to NC than having just this shadow of your former R? Again, I am sorry you r still hurting. ((Hug))

[Poppy47]

Herself how is life unfair? You chose to remain in this relationship for a really long time...your choice.

 

I think you are complaining because you can't have your cake......

 

How would your husband be feeling if he knew what you wrote on this board about your AP?

 

It seems to me, you are very fortunate that your husband has remained in blissful ignorance for so long. If he were to find out, this wonderful fantasy would become your worst nightmare.

 

It must be difficult to extract yourself from the Affair after so many years. It has been unusually lengthy. Maybe you need a professional counsellor to help you?

 

Best Wishes.

Poppy.

[herself]

Well you are right I AM complaining that I can't have my cake.

Also the questions were asked all the time how our sposes would feel and why do I have these feelings given the fact I have a spouse.

I did go to ic when ea ended. Obviously that didnt help erase my feelings.

It took 13 years to grow the feelings...everyone in the end did the right thing...its just the right thing and hardest thing are the same.

[EnderA]

I think that you have to want to end it, and you are clearly not there yet. I pity your poor husband.

[herself]

I pity my husband and his wife too.

It has been ended.

I am just saying the love didnt end.

Theres no question it wasnt right, selfish, immoral.

I love him still. Im aware its aweful.

[gia37]

Sorry to be harsh, but what makes you think that you did the right thing? you are living a lie and your poor husband doesnt even know that he is living a lie, too. You waste your life and - even worse - his.

[woinlove]

I just love my xeap. I love him. Have always loved him in some way...platonically for most of the friendship but maybe even from day one.

The eap has been broken but after all this time...all these years I still love him. Miss him all the time.

We never future faked or made plans to be together and we never would have left our spouses.

Many will disagree but I DON'T care and will not ever for a second justify nor defend that I DID and strongly DO love my husband, Im never losing him.

My love for my eap was a private secret world I was swept up in.

It took him 12 yrs to call me his best friend and over a decade to openly profess love. I couldn't BELIEVE the words.

I will never understand how can I bury this love.

I miss the days of not loving him.

He cant ever be by my side for good...nor I by his.

So cant the love effing dieM

die?

Its still hurting. I still long for it to be there. It was the real deal.

I didnt tell my husband and will never ever follow advice to do so EVER no matter what.

I just feel sometimes that even if its wrong I still want it because its so painful to live without such a deep caring love. And without that friendship.

Im happily married why in gods name would I feel this way?

 

It sounds like you have a lot of fantasy mixed in with your thoughts of this man and it is difficult to give up fantasy that has been fed for so many years.

 

You say this was the "real deal", "such a deep caring love", but you two didn't make any plans to be together when you were both single, didn't make any such plans through your sexting and declarations of love while married to others. Real friends who care so much about you would not use you for sexting on the side while making it clear they didn't want to make any commitment to you. The romantic side was filling a need for you too but in all those 13 years you never decided to pursue a committed R with this man and you compromised your platonic friendship with an EA.

 

I think if you start to look at the situation more realistically and realize this is not really the real deal of a deep and caring love but two people who crossed from friends to EA while both wanting to stay married to others, it will help you focus on what you need to do to be happy in yourself, independent of being married or having exAP in your life.

[herself]

Im not living a lie. Im not wasting my life or his.

This is seperate from him. We both have pasts. He will always have love for his ex's in his own way.

I love him and show him this daily and what does your post to me have to do with my situation.

Generally when someone vents its to share hurt with people who can relate and understand and share how they got to the other side or what helped them etc.

All the other soap box about how immoral, wrong...everyone knows that that had an A.

It doesn't help.

And I don't need to tell my husband regardless if its the popular opinion its not mine.

None of what you said is the point.

[DKT3]

Im not living a lie. Im not wasting my life or his.

This is seperate from him. We both have pasts. He will always have love for his ex's in his own way.

I love him and show him this daily and what does your post to me have to do with my situation.

Generally when someone vents its to share hurt with people who can relate and understand and share how they got to the other side or what helped them etc.

All the other soap box about how immoral, wrong...everyone knows that that had an A.

It doesn't help.

And I don't need to tell my husband regardless if its the popular opinion its not mine.

None of what you said is the point.

 

And here is a major problem, you feel that it has nothing to do with your husband, but it has everything to do with your husband. How is it that you show daily love when you spend so much time with your focus on OM? How is that not living a lie? You say that what you have with OM is the "real deal" then what is it that you have with your husband? What does he offer that keeps you from this "real deal"? OR is the OM simply not availible thus making your marriage one of default? How would you feel to find out your husband was deeply in love with another woman and shared this secret love affair behind you back, throughout the course of the marriage?

 

No jugdement here, you don't need to anwser my questions on this thread. Its not my intent to get anwsers, it to make you ask the hard questions.

[whichwayisup]

I pity my husband and his wife too.

It has been ended.

I am just saying the love didnt end.

Theres no question it wasnt right, selfish, immoral.

I love him still. Im aware its aweful.

 

Not sure if you have me on block or not, but if you don't and can read this :

 

Accept that you love him but do your absolute best to cut him from your mind. Try doing NC in your head too - Try your hardest not to fantasize, remember the good times you shared with him. It'll help you detach from him and focus on yourself, your marriage and reconnecting with your husband. Putting your family's needs above your own most of the time.

 

Try to knock him down a few pegs, he isn't perfect. Try to see the not so nice side of him and negative qualities. Kill the bubble/fantasy of perfection and what life would've been like if you two continued on or ended up together.

 

Be tough on yourself too. Give yourself a certain amount of time each day to grieve the loss, then pick yourself up and get busy, life life.

[whichwayisup]

Im not living a lie. Im not wasting my life or his.

This is seperate from him. We both have pasts. He will always have love for his ex's in his own way.

I love him and show him this daily and what does your post to me have to do with my situation.

Generally when someone vents its to share hurt with people who can relate and understand and share how they got to the other side or what helped them etc.

All the other soap box about how immoral, wrong...everyone knows that that had an A.

It doesn't help.

And I don't need to tell my husband regardless if its the popular opinion its not mine.

None of what you said is the point.

 

It took away from your present and current life and connection with your husband and marriage. You spent energy, love and care to a MM, when all that should have been given to only your husband.

 

This isn't just about a past flame or an ex, this was all current and on going..

 

People are trying to help, even if you don't totally agree with the advice given.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think you did do the right thing and the hardest thing. You are right that feelings don't just go away overnight. It's going to take a concerted effort on your part, which in no way will include ruminating and reliving or romanticizing your affair. You will have to decide to give up that love, until you do that hard work of checking/controlling yourself, you are stuck, I'm afraid.

 

I believe you said that your H will never find out. Unfortunately, it's not impossible that he might at some point in the future. It would be so sad for you to have done all that hard work to get over MM and move on with your marriage, only to have it come crashing down.

 

OP, you seem to make every effort to take responsibility for your actions. Meaning I don't see a lot of justification or blame shifting. You also need to take control of you situation in order to make the changes that you want. In an EA, the emotions have to go for it to be over. NC doesn't change those emotions. You have to be ready and willing before it can begin to happen. You must choose then actualize.

 

Good luck

[herself]

I havent been honest with the boards, the judgement though well deserved has been unbearable to a heart already broken.

Short back story, former coworker, close conpanion turned EA after years of friendship.

We broke up last year when guilt got too much as were both married (neither of us were married when we worked together but we never explored further a heavy chemistry back then)

 

We reconnected after the breakup last year after about 4 months nc aside from a bday wish on his behalf. In no time as you all could have guessed the ea was back on full swing and the love was 1,000 stronger. Id try to pull back and set boundaries...to no avail. He told me you are mine, I am yours, I love you, I need you, your beautiful, I miss you, I want to kiss you (we didn't aside from a quick peck to say bye)

It was calls from him morning and night, skype...really a whirlwind romance like from the movies. This has been in our lives for years.

Ive said before no future faking or anything, we love our spouses...

 

So after about 5 to 6 months of reconnection and bliss...no drama, fighting, neither pushing for more...and an intense skype session one day...about 4 days later he was pulling the plug stating if he didnt continue with us he could always keep us..the feelings would remain always and the

Edited September 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Add paragraphs and merge with existing topic.

[herself]

Cont.

He could keep the love and fantasy always but not risk hurting either of our spouses and he has 2 young children under 3.

It was all so sudden I was pulled in intense and hard and went willingly.

But how do I recover. My hearts in a blender.

I dont know how to move on. 13 effing years and we have felt love for 80% of it.

How can he just move on?

[A.Moscote]

Be brave and honest, disclose it all and discuss this with your husband. Conveys your heart and mind to him, thoroughly and gently.

 

Despite of all its cons, perhaps a confession would really be the one effective way to help you forget all the bliss and change this situation (if change is what you sincerely want).

[dubliner]

I don't know the answer, maybe he has to, maybe he got bored, maybe he got found out, maybe he finally realised he had a conscience... Whatever ..it doesn't matter why, the fact is that he is and it's the right thing to do, you've read the board, you know how much living the lie damages you, your family.

He's doing the right thing.

Yes it hurts, the emotional umbilical cord has been severed, you may be angry, be hurt but remember it's his choice and he gets to chose his life.

How do you move on? You chose your life, see what you had for what it is, an emotional extra that has come to an end, focus back on you and your life, your spouse, your family activities, anything you enjoy that makes you feel emotionally satisfied. Plug the gap with what drives you, then you will be less likely to be looking for him to fill that for you.

[DKT3]

Wow this situation is so freaking unfair to your husband. I asked you a series of questions in a past thread that you've avoided. Do you still honestly believe that being in love with another man your entire marriage does have an affect on your marriage? Its so clear your loyal to MM and not your husband.

 

What would you do should the MM say "let's leave and be together right now" I think from what you've posted here you would drop your marriage and husband and go. So why not just end the marriage? Don't you think your husband deserve someone to love him and only him? Again no need to sell the love them both line, because your loyal to MM so he is the one you truly want. Just be brave and stop using your husband, be deserves better.

 

Getting honest with yourself is the first step in moving forward.

[whatatangledweb]

I'm confused. Before you stated this happened in Jan of this year. Did it just happen this week?

 

Maybe he had been thinking of it for a long time and just decided out of the blue that it had to be done right then or he would not be able to do it.

 

He had already shown by having an affair with you for 13 years behind his wife's back that he does things the way they are best for him. So he ends it with no drama, no long discussion, and gets to keep it as a happy memory . He does not seem to care how cruel that is to you or his wife.

 

You are now having to pay for betraying your husband by being betrayed by your MM. I am sorry you are hurting, I really am.

[Popsicle]

Im happily married why in gods name would I feel this way?

 

 

The million dollar question. Maybe because you're not actually happily married? If you were, you would be able to love your husband in the same way as your xAP and he you.

 

I echo the suggestion to see a counselor to help you with this.

Edited September 14, 2014 by Popsicle

[DKT3]

The million dollar question. Maybe because you're not actually happily married? If you were, you would be able to love your husband in the same way as your xAP and he you.

 

I echo the suggestion to see a counselor to help you with this.

 

It wasn't a matter of being happy with the marriage. She has said she had feelings for this other guy predating the marriage. The better question is why marry one man if your in love with another? I think the answer is she wanted married but was unable to be with who she wanted to be with for whatever reason.

 

This is on her, as it is on all unfaithful spouses/partners. Its simply a cop-out or not owning your own s*it to blame your spouse or marriage.

[whichwayisup]

He could keep the love and fantasy always but not risk hurting either of our spouses and he has 2 young children under 3.

It was all so sudden I was pulled in intense and hard and went willingly.

But how do I recover. My hearts in a blender.

I dont know how to move on. 13 effing years and we have felt love for 80% of it.

How can he just move on?

 

Because he's chosen to see that what you two are/were doing is hurting your marriages and spouses. He decided his family and keeping them intact is more important than the EA, what he felt towards you and fantasy with you.

 

You may love husband, a lot, but you're more emotionally connected and attached passionately to MM, he probably feels that way as well and realized it was just wrong. Since neither of you two had any plans to divorce and be together, continuing the EA was just too much and pointless as it's doing more damage than good.

 

Sorry you're hurting...Take it day by day.