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Success after taking a break


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I know there are several posters here who have gone on to marry their AP. I was wondering how that came about for you. I am especially wondering if any of you split up, at least temporarily, and then got back together.

 

My story is a long one, but for now I will just say that after many years as the OW I finally told my MM that I do not intend to be a married man's girlfriend forever. After several discussions we decided to take a break for a few months so we could each have some space and time to think it through. We agreed on a date to talk again. I really miss him and want this to work out for us and I'm wondering what experiences other people have had. I know every relationship is different, but I just need to hear other people's stories right now.

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My story is a long one, but for now I will just say that after many years as the OW I finally told my MM that I do not intend to be a married man's girlfriend forever. After several discussions we decided to take a break for a few months so we could each have some space and time to think it through. We agreed on a date to talk again. I really miss him and want this to work out for us and I'm wondering what experiences other people have had. I know every relationship is different, but I just need to hear other people's stories right now.

 

How many years have you been in this A? I am just curious...

Not like I have a positive outcome, but if you want to hear stories... A lasted 3,5 years. We broke up 3 times. First time he did and I did not manage NC... got back together but he did not get D. Second time I broke up with him and he did not manage NC... got back together, he did not get a D, went to MC instead which did not help much though... I broke up with him... We have not spoken for 3 months now. I am sure he will not get a D mostly because of being a coward. My mind understands everything, but my heart is still struggling....

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Emerald,

The longer a man stays in an affair the more comfortable he is with the arrangement. He becomes confident that you will be there when he wants you.. he has you hooked into this dysfunctional affair and it gets more and more difficult to get out of it. It becomes a way of living and you forget just what real people think and do. You are forever living a secret.

 

He has had years to think it over... either he leaves his wife or he doesn't.

 

I know each relationship is different, but I can bet he just loves having two women fulfilling his needs.

 

Get rid of him and get yourself a real man who won't waste years of your life.

 

Poppy

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I know there are several posters here who have gone on to marry their AP. I was wondering how that came about for you. I am especially wondering if any of you split up, at least temporarily, and then got back together.

 

 

I married my fMM. We did not split up or take a break. We just decided we wanted to be together, and set about making that happen.

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Emerald,

The longer a man stays in an affair the more comfortable he is with the arrangement. He becomes confident that you will be there when he wants you.. he has you hooked into this dysfunctional affair and it gets more and more difficult to get out of it. It becomes a way of living and you forget just what real people think and do. You are forever living a secret.

 

He has had years to think it over... either he leaves his wife or he doesn't.

 

I know each relationship is different, but I can bet he just loves having two women fulfilling his needs.

 

Get rid of him and get yourself a real man who won't waste years of your life.

 

Poppy

 

All a 'break' is during an A is the MP trying to calm the BS down. That is all it is.

 

This. I've been through this going on 2 years. I finally had the courage to say for myself 'enough is enough.'

 

Poppy is spot on. The longer you allow yourself to stay, the longer they'll stay with their spouse. I'm not saying that if you leave, they'll divorce and come to you. That is more than likely not the case, but you won't get anywhere staying. It'll be the same A circle.

 

They'll pull the 'friends' bit which is really them keeping you around for their convenience and the periodic check up. Throwing breadcrumbs. But what do you get from that? Nothing.

 

However, until YOU take control and change this is what it'll be. You are giving them NO reason to move on past their M since YOU are making it comfortable for their arrangement.

 

Did you give him an ultimatum? Leave BS or you'll leave?

 

Quit responding and being so available. See what happens then.

Edited by hippetyhop
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All a 'break' is during an A is the MP trying to calm the BS down. That is all it is.

 

This. I've been through this going on 2 years. I finally had the courage to say for myself 'enough is enough.'

 

Poppy is spot on. The longer you allow yourself to stay, the longer they'll stay with their spouse. I'm not saying that if you leave, they'll divorce and come to you. That is more than likely not the case, but you won't get anywhere staying. It'll be the same A circle.

 

They'll pull the 'friends' bit which is really them keeping you around for their convenience and the periodic check up. Throwing breadcrumbs. But what do you get from that? Nothing.

 

However, until YOU take control and change this is what it'll be. You are giving them NO reason to move on past their M since YOU are making it comfortable for their arrangement.

 

Did you give him an ultimatum? Leave BS or you'll leave?

 

Quit responding and being so available. See what happens then.

 

Sorry not the case at all. I love when people speak for everyone else and for every other situation. :rolleyes:

 

My experience: We were in an affair, broke up after we hit my timeline as well a subsequent dday while he was discussing divorce. We were broken up for a few months, they separated and divorced. We eventually married.

 

OP- There are no hard and fast rules. Figure out what works for you, what you can and can't accept and go from there. Know that if you break up and he does come back, you may not want him. You can't predict the future. Look at today for guidance and direction. And know, no matter what, you will be okay. :)

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Sorry not the case at all. I love when people speak for everyone else and for every other situation. :rolleyes:

 

My experience: We were in an affair, broke up after we hit my timeline as well a subsequent dday while he was discussing divorce. We were broken up for a few months, they separated and divorced. We eventually married.

 

OP- There are no hard and fast rules. Figure out what works for you, what you can and can't accept and go from there. Know that if you break up and he does come back, you may not want him. You can't predict the future. Look at today for guidance and direction. And know, no matter what, you will be okay. :)

 

Got it- I really didn't mean to generalize. I know each A case is different, but look on the board- it often does not happen that way. For when it does, that is great. However, some people don't know what they miss until its truly gone.

 

We can sit here and argue about it- but I don't want to go that route as it'll get us nowhere. But, I do want to extend to you a genuine congratulations on you two making it work.

 

Question for you: during your break-up, were you 100% NC.

 

OP: Bolded are very true words from Got It. You won't know what happens. Take it day by day.

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All a 'break' is during an A is the MP trying to calm the BS down. That is all it is.

 

This. I've been through this going on 2 years. I finally had the courage to say for myself 'enough is enough.'

 

Poppy is spot on. The longer you allow yourself to stay, the longer they'll stay with their spouse. I'm not saying that if you leave, they'll divorce and come to you. That is more than likely not the case, but you won't get anywhere staying. It'll be the same A circle.

 

They'll pull the 'friends' bit which is really them keeping you around for their convenience and the periodic check up. Throwing breadcrumbs. But what do you get from that? Nothing.

 

However, until YOU take control and change this is what it'll be. You are giving them NO reason to move on past their M since YOU are making it comfortable for their arrangement.

 

Did you give him an ultimatum? Leave BS or you'll leave?

 

Quit responding and being so available. See what happens then.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes! I realized after the fact that exMM wanted "space" at times (he claimed due to his emotional vulnerabilities, lol)...it was so he could convince the suspecting spouse that nothing was going on.

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Yes! I realized after the fact that exMM wanted "space" at times (he claimed due to his emotional vulnerabilities, lol)...it was so he could convince the suspecting spouse that nothing was going on.

 

Do we have the same MM? I really hope not.:p

 

With the emotional vulnerabilities you are spot on- he put the guard up around me and set boundaries so he doesn't get as vested in me as he was. He knows he can be vested in me. But he chose to set the boundaries and I think that scared him.

 

It took time- but once I truly figured that out, I knew I needed to take a step back.

 

Whats the point of continuing then? I never gave him an opportunity to miss me as I was always at his beck and calling. He had NO problem taking these 'breaks' to get his W's suspicions down.

 

Once he told me they were going to 'try and save it' and he wanted to still hear from me more than not as we have awesome chemistry and he loved me, I knew she knew and he's trying to tame her. I really hope they can save it for the sake of them and their kids, I really do.

 

Right now at the end of the day, he still wants to be married. I can't change that (well, I could- he gave me her cell phone number JUST in case she calls me. I can do ultimate damage :rolleyes:) I can change making me me happy though. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to be part of that.

 

I think it hurt me more than I thought and he thought as well. But for once, I'm in control.

Edited by hippetyhop
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Do we have the same MM? I really hope not.:p

 

With the emotional vulnerabilities you are spot on- he put the guard up around me and set boundaries so he doesn't get as vested in me as he was. He knows he can be vested in me. But he chose to set the boundaries and I think that scared him.

 

It took time- but once I truly figured that out, I knew I needed to take a step back.

 

Whats the point of continuing then? I never gave him an opportunity to miss me as I was always at his beck and calling. He had NO problem taking these 'breaks' to get his W's suspicions down.

 

Once he told me they were going to 'try and save it' and he wanted to still hear from me more than not as we have awesome chemistry and he loved me, I knew she knew and he's trying to tame her. I really hope they can save it for the sake of them and their kids, I really do.

 

Right now at the end of the day, he still wants to be married. I can't change that (well, I could- he gave me her cell phone number JUST in case she calls me. I can do ultimate damage :rolleyes:) I can change making me me happy though. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to be part of that.

 

I think it hurt me more than I thought and he thought as well. But for once, I'm in control.

 

 

 

 

 

He gave you her cellphone number? Really? Why?

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He gave you her cellphone number? Really? Why?

 

Too long too write from my phone. Ill fill you in tonight. That was the beginning of the breaking point.

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All a 'break' is during an A is the MP trying to calm the BS down. That is all it is.

 

However, until YOU take control and change this is what it'll be. You are giving them NO reason to move on past their M since YOU are making it comfortable for their arrangement.

 

Did you give him an ultimatum? Leave BS or you'll leave?

 

Quit responding and being so available. See what happens then.

 

Actually, I am the one who initiated this break, so needing to calm the BS down doesn't really apply.

 

I didn't really intend it as an "ultimatum", but he may have taken it that way. I felt like nothing would change if we kept on like we were and I just wanted more from the relationship. I needed to let him know that I was serious when I said I wasn't going to do this forever. Now I'm feeling like maybe that was a mistake. I really do love him and I know he loves me too. He has even admitted his marriage should have ended years ago and he doesn't know why he stays. I think he is a coward, like another poster said. Right now I am trying to stay away from him. At least he will decide one way or the other.

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Sorry not the case at all. I love when people speak for everyone else and for every other situation. :rolleyes:

 

My experience: We were in an affair, broke up after we hit my timeline as well a subsequent dday while he was discussing divorce. We were broken up for a few months, they separated and divorced. We eventually married.

 

OP- There are no hard and fast rules. Figure out what works for you, what you can and can't accept and go from there. Know that if you break up and he does come back, you may not want him. You can't predict the future. Look at today for guidance and direction. And know, no matter what, you will be okay. :)

 

Thanks, Got It. I know every relationship is different. Just because it worked out for you doesn't mean it will for me. But it helps to look at what other people have experienced. Do you think taking a break made a difference? It seems like that let him know you were serious, which is what I am trying to do.

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Actually, I am the one who initiated this break, so needing to calm the BS down doesn't really apply.

 

I didn't really intend it as an "ultimatum", but he may have taken it that way. I felt like nothing would change if we kept on like we were and I just wanted more from the relationship. I needed to let him know that I was serious when I said I wasn't going to do this forever. Now I'm feeling like maybe that was a mistake. I really do love him and I know he loves me too. He has even admitted his marriage should have ended years ago and he doesn't know why he stays. I think he is a coward, like another poster said. Right now I am trying to stay away from him. At least he will decide one way or the other.

 

I did that too before. I've initiated breaks and he came back still as married as he was before I initiated the break. Don't think of it as a mistake. Its not. Emeraldiz- he told me the same thing he told me he told you re. the marriage. What will change if you keep going back? Absolutely nothing. How else are you going to let him know you are serious? I love MM very much as vis-versa, but he's not willing to make a change, and what can you do about that? Wait around and continue letting him stay comfortable?

 

He gave you her cellphone number? Really? Why?

 

Ha! Yes! I have my xMM W's cell phone number stored in my phone that was given to me by him..sounds pretty screwed up, doesn't it? Starting last summer (2013), W became suspicious. We broke up in July 2013 as I needed space; he contacted me in October; it continued til January (in November, he put up the 'emotional block'); He stopped Jan til March; We've been touch and go since March. But, starting in May she started to REALLY watch his cell phone contact. She began questioning my number. He got really weird around this time. End of June, they split up; a few days later, they were reconciling. He gave me the speech of how they were trying to save it, he loves me, we have great chemistry, etc. We were okay through August.

 

Mid-August, crap hit the fan. He said she was acting out of the ordinary/not talking to him, etc. She said she'll explain to him in MC what was going on. That is when he gave me her entire cell phone number so I wouldn't pick up as he was afraid she was going to call my cell from her number. She never did. Turns out in MC, he said it was total 'bs' as to why she was pissed.

 

He can't be serious about reconciling with me in the picture.

 

^^^^^^^^ This is why I'm pulling the plug. See all the back forth/back forth?

 

I need to remove myself from their equation.

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He has even admitted his marriage should have ended years ago and he doesn't know why he stays. I think he is a coward, like another poster said. Right now I am trying to stay away from him. At least he will decide one way or the other.

 

And he still stays. Something is keeping him there. His reasons are valid to him (kids, family life, finances, the house, family friends etc..etc..) so it seems loving you isn't enough to make him put a plan together and divorce his wife.

 

Good to hear that you're staying away from him. I hope you use this time to detach and take a step back, reassess if he is 'the one' you actually want and possibly one day *could* end up with. If he divorces, he can call you once it's official and ask you on a proper date. Any contact or attempt to get together again just enables him to stay in his marriage and keeps you as the OW and in the affair.

 

If you want it over, make it over and grieve the loss. Give up all hope and shut the door on him for good.

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Thanks, Got It. I know every relationship is different. Just because it worked out for you doesn't mean it will for me. But it helps to look at what other people have experienced. Do you think taking a break made a difference? It seems like that let him know you were serious, which is what I am trying to do.

 

Obviously MM and OW, MW and OM can end up together, but it takes a plan to be put into action, not just promises and wishes. Many of the (ex)OW on here who are officially with their (ex)MM, had MM who would have left the marriage regardless if she was there or not.

 

If your MM has no plans on leaving, and is happy enough staying at home and having an A on the side, reality is he isn't leaving.

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And he still stays. Something is keeping him there. His reasons are valid to him (kids, family life, finances, the house, family friends etc..etc..) so it seems loving you isn't enough to make him put a plan together and divorce his wife.

 

Good to hear that you're staying away from him. I hope you use this time to detach and take a step back, reassess if he is 'the one' you actually want and possibly one day *could* end up with. If he divorces, he can call you once it's official and ask you on a proper date. Any contact or attempt to get together again just enables him to stay in his marriage and keeps you as the OW and in the affair.

 

If you want it over, make it over and grieve the loss. Give up all hope and shut the door on him for good.

 

Actually, "over" is the last thing I want. I agree the OW is often the "enabler". She gives him whatever is missing in the marriage, such as love, affection or intimacy. That allows him to stay in the marriage for whatever reason-usually kids, family, finances, etc. He gets what he needs, just from 2 different women. This is why I am trying to stay strong and not let things start up again unless/until he has at least filed and moved out.

 

Obviously MM and OW, MW and OM can end up together, but it takes a plan to be put into action, not just promises and wishes. Many of the (ex)OW on here who are officially with their (ex)MM, had MM who would have left the marriage regardless if she was there or not.

 

If your MM has no plans on leaving, and is happy enough staying at home and having an A on the side, reality is he isn't leaving.

 

I believe he does intend to leave. He has told me he has decided to leave, not specifically to be with me, but because he is miserable with her. But he tends to drag his feet about everything, not just this. I think I have prolonged his staying in the marriage, making it too easy for him, which is the biggest reason I wanted to take a break. My concern now is that after initiating the break will he come back to me if/when he leaves her? I realize no one can answer that question but him. And at this point, he probably can't even answer it.

 

When he first said that he wanted to leave his marriage for himself, not necessarily to be with me, I was offended. But I think that is a better reason. That way there won't be any regrets or resentment toward me. I don't think he was saying he doesn't want to be with me. He is just looking at it as two separate decisions.

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xMM and I were together, off and on, for 8 yrs. Lots of break ups in those years and, the last few years, we were apart more than together. A few yrs ago, he and his wife moved into a new house. Even though I wasn't sleeping him at the time, he was trying his best to reel me back in. We were doing that "friends" thing - talking every day, several times a day - which is a way to maintain a close relationship because you don't want to let it go.

 

When I found out about them moving into a new house, something inside of me simply died. All I could think about was that while he was sweet talking me, he was house shopping with his wife, and making a conscious decision to continue his life with her, i.e., making future plans. That was the end of the line for me and any shread of hope I ever harbored for us was dashed instantaneously.

 

I still care deeply about him and, due to circumstsnces, I see him professionally 2 or 3 times a week. I love seeing him and he can really bring a smile to my face, but I no longer dream of a life with him, and that has affected how I react to him emotionally. I still have dinner with him once or twice a year, and we talk on the phone every great once in a while. Despite everything we've been through, he will always be a very significant and dear person to me and I don't want to lose his friendship completely. But I don't talk to him on a regular basis and let myself get pulled in anymore either.

 

All I can say to you is that you can waste a lot of years on a dead end relationship. Either your MM will leave his marriage, or there will come a time when you'll know you've had enough. I hope your story will be a happy ending.

Edited by bathtub-row
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Moderation will leave the postings alone and will support the thread starter's request to return to the original topic, which is relationship successes after taking a break. Thanks!

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My apologies about the t/j.

 

Question:

 

What are you looking for in terms to happen post-break? After you find clarity and whatnot post-break, will you still be okay being second fiddle?

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How old are you, what do you want for your future and what has he offered to meet that in that future together?

 

 

I will only speak about my experience. I started the break and not as an ultimatum, I just needed to move on. He came back promising the stars and the moon. A few months later he spoke to a lawyer, told her about the divorce...went to MC. We have been NC for two years. I could have had some a back as there was no disclosure, or some friendship. Not my cup of tea.

 

 

What you need to do after this break is plan for what if...what of he won't be a part of your real life. Also be prepared to see reality of he comes back promising you what you want. He needs to follow through or you'll be stuck for many more years as the other while he's buying a new house, having a new baby, lining up a new OW or whatnot.

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The ideal outcome for me would be that he divorces, as he has indicated he wants to, and then we would be together. That is really the reason I wanted to take the break. I thought if I didn't make any changes he would continue the affair indefinitely. I believe during the break he came to the decision to divorce, although I am not positive he will really follow through. But the problem is I think he may be looking at me differently also.

 

We have had one meeting after the break where we just talked. That is when he told me he definitely wants out of the marriage because it is miserable to him. He did say he is not leaving specifically to be with me. I'm okay with that, it is better that he leave for himself anyway. We ended the meeting saying that we would meet again and talk about it some more. He did not want (and I agree) to start anything physical again while everything is so uncertain.

 

That was about 6 weeks ago. I have tried to contact him, but he seems to be avoiding me. He did send me a text saying he couldn't talk then, but he gave me a date that he would call. That date came and went without a call. I tried to contact him but he hasn't returned my calls.

 

It seems strange that he would say he is calling on a specific date and then not call and ignore my attempts at contact. It seems like something happened but I can't figure out what. Is he feeling resentful that I initiated the break? Is he avoiding me because he hasn't moved forward with the divorce? Has he decided to end it and can't tell me? That would be the most cruel and heartless way to end a relationship, but it is not impossible.

 

I don't know where to go from here. I at least deserve to have an answer.

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