- trying to end it (Updated - Ended it)

[neverdonethisbefore]

I posted recently about the MM that I'm having an EA with. Nothing physical has happened.

 

I have tried to end it with him. We go through cycles of him pulling away from me and me being needy and clingy and I can't stand it.

 

So I've tried to end it. He keeps sucking me back in. He tells me he loves me, he tells me he wants a future with me. Apparently that's up to me because we are both married and so if I leave, he'll leave.

 

I tried two weeks ago to end it. He wouldn't let me go. He was so loving and attentive and desperate to keep me. I know I should have blocked him but I didn't have the heart to do it. Yes, I'm weak but I am falling in love with him.

 

Two weeks later, and he's back to pulling away. Too busy to talk to me. He never says he is, he just ignores my messages for hours. He's messing with my head. He says he will never be be too busy to talk to me but then he ignores my messages. What is that?

 

I would never do that to him.

 

Please help me find the strength to go for good.

 

I really need to leave. I need to do NC with him.

 

It hurts so much though. The thought of not talking to him.

 

how did I end up in this mess?

 

I was happy until he came in to my life.

[Lovemesomehim]

I will be as polite about this as I can...all the time you are investing in this married man, put that same time into your marriage.

 

 

If your marriage is done, begin finalizing it but under no circumstances should you leave one man to run to another man. You leave a marriage for yourself and no one else.

 

 

How fair is it to embarrass your husband by having an affair, let alone leave him for someone else? Has your husband abused you to warrant such cruelty?

[whatatangledweb]

He can't suck you back in if you block him. If he wasn't there would you even be thinking of divorcing your husband?

[jellybean89]

He also can't "suck you back in" if you didn't want him to.

 

What has happened to self control and independence? What has happened to morality? Next time he messages you "all loving", ask yourself the above questions I wrote. Realize you both are playing with fire. End your marriage since it is so unhappy for you.

[neverdonethisbefore]

He can't suck you back in if you block him. If he wasn't there would you even be thinking of divorcing your husband?

 

 

I have thought of divorcing my husband many times. We have serious problems in our marriage, mostly because although he says he loves me - he's not prepared to meet my needs emotionally.

 

I said I was happy before I met MM, and I was. Simply because I had resigned myself to living with what I had, certainly until my kids have left home.

 

Then along came MM and he told me things I wanted to hear, he says he loves me, he says he dreams of a future with me. I've known him for years, we've been friends for years and this EA has just grown from that. He made me realise what has been missing from my marriage for years.

 

However, it seems that he is just another man who at the slightest sign of having to deal with real emotion runs for the hills. So for the last 3 days he's been pulling back.

 

It took this EA for me to realise that I can not continue in this situation with my husband but I also can't continue the A either.

 

So... I am seeing the MM next week, I have decided to end it face to face. I don't feel it's fair to have that kind of conversation with someone over text or email or even the phone really.

 

After which I will block him from contacting me and then I don't really know what I will do. Fall apart probably.

 

I would really appreciate some support from people on here who have been through this. My heart is breaking, it feels like it's in a million pieces.

 

Between now and when I see MM, I would like to detach - be less reliant on him. Any suggestions on how I do that?

 

How do I stop looking at my phone to see if he's messaged me for instance? And how do I stop feeling like I've been kicked in the teeth when I see that he hasn't? And even worse, how I stop feeling like I've been driven over by a truck when I see he's messaged someone else but not me?

[GettingOver]

I have been in this situation. And in a way I still am because of my addiction to exMM. Long story short it lasted for 3,5 years on and off. When we got back together after break up No.1 it was good at firts but he was not THAT much into A as in the beginning and started this pulling back and forth game... In a year I got exhausted and chose to leave for this reason mostly. He had a habit of not answering texts for a day and I would not hear from him sometimes for 4-7 days... I asked him not to contact me, but he did and I was sucked back because I still loved him. On top I moved to his country (we were in LDR for 2,5 years). Once I was back and close the pulling back and forth game - busy at work thing - would start again. Talking about it doesn't help - or it does for a week-effect. I was sick of it and left again. I met a nice guy. But I still cannot open up to him completely and I miss exMM like an idiot. Sometimes I really suffer because of his stupid addiction... But this time I want to overcome it!!!

What should I say - it is difficult. BUT when I recall all the hot and cold games, do I divorce or not games, it stops me from stupid actions.

What makes you think that if you leave he will as well?... He might not. There should be a reason behind blowing hot and cold. Now that I met a decent guy I for the first time in my life realised that not all of them do it!!!

Probably some peope need only smth that is no longer available. Like my exMM... Once I would be open and "needy" and "wanting him", once I would want to chat on skype - he would back away - busy at work/kids/stress/etc, never initiated contact. Once I leave - he offers help, is online almost the whole time, etc. But I know his pattern already... If allow myself to go back - I will get the same result in the end. Not only him to getting D, but also him blowing hot and cold...

Edited September 11, 2014 by GettingOver

[DKT3]

I have thought of divorcing my husband many times. We have serious problems in our marriage, mostly because although he says he loves me - he's not prepared to meet my needs emotionally.

 

I said I was happy before I met MM, and I was. Simply because I had resigned myself to living with what I had, certainly until my kids have left home.

 

Then along came MM and he told me things I wanted to hear, he says he loves me, he says he dreams of a future with me. I've known him for years, we've been friends for years and this EA has just grown from that. He made me realise what has been missing from my marriage for years.

 

However, it seems that he is just another man who at the slightest sign of having to deal with real emotion runs for the hills. So for the last 3 days he's been pulling back.

It took this EA for me to realise that I can not continue in this situation with my husband but I also can't continue the A either.

 

So... I am seeing the MM next week, I have decided to end it face to face. I don't feel it's fair to have that kind of conversation with someone over text or email or even the phone really.

 

After which I will block him from contacting me and then I don't really know what I will do. Fall apart probably.

 

I would really appreciate some support from people on here who have been through this. My heart is breaking, it feels like it's in a million pieces.

 

Between now and when I see MM, I would like to detach - be less reliant on him. Any suggestions on how I do that?

 

How do I stop looking at my phone to see if he's messaged me for instance? And how do I stop feeling like I've been kicked in the teeth when I see that he hasn't? And even worse, how I stop feeling like I've been driven over by a truck when I see he's messaged someone else but not me?

 

Classic rewriting the history of your marriage. No you didn't think you were happy, you were happy. It was only when you had to justify this affair that you became unhappy with your marriage.

 

The thing I just can't understand, no matter how many times I read it here is why stay? Why string along the husband. It happens all the time then the WW like you attack men for being weak. Its weak to not have the courage to stand on your own. Instead you sneak off to brang this guy and keep your husband in the dark and around to cushion your fall or as a backup plan.

[neverdonethisbefore]

Classic rewriting the history of your marriage. No you didn't think you were happy, you were happy. It was only when you had to justify this affair that you became unhappy with your marriage.

 

The thing I just can't understand, no matter how many times I read it here is why stay? Why string along the husband. It happens all the time then the WW like you attack men for being weak. Its weak to not have the courage to stand on your own. Instead you sneak off to brang this guy and keep your husband in the dark and around to cushion your fall or as a backup plan.

 

I've been unhappy with my husband for the last 8 years. He says that we made vows to stay together and we will stay together at least until our children have left the house. He says that he will not contemplate leaving until then. So no, we haven't been happy and I'm not rewriting my marriage.

 

As for why I stay, well I did make a promise that I wouldn't leave and my husband has already made it clear that leaving is not an option he would consider. We wrote our own vows and nowhere in them did either of us promise monogamy although of course, it was presumed. Of course I know that having an EA with someone else is wrong and would be very hurtful to my husband if he found out.

 

I've done nothing physical with the MM. I haven't banged him. It has taken this affair though to make me see what is missing in my marriage.

 

I just don't know if my husband and I can get it back. He is so completely and utterly disinterested in me as a human being, I don't know if we can recover from that.

[DKT3]

You know your situation better then I do, we as readers can only go by what you write and you wrote you were happy until the affair. Now you were unhappy for 8 years. Which is it? Or is it being re-writen?

 

As far as the other part about vows, you don't really believe what your saying? Do you? So there was no love or honor mentioned in you vows?

 

I divorced my wife and she didn't want one, it takes two to marry but only one to divorce. You don't divorce because you maybe scared to be alone. If your MM said today leave your husband, I'll leave my wife and we will be together what would you do? I'm guessing bolt and then quickly start the divorce process. What would have changed from your husbands end.

 

I'm not attacking you, even if it feel like it. During the time I figured out my wife had the affair and the divorce (14 months of hell) I kept notes of the things she said and did. There was a lot of blaming me going on. Many of the things you've said here. When the truth was I was the same, it was her that changed, it was her that was uninterested. My compliments and loving gestures fall on deaf ear or went unnoticed. She often would blow them off by saying "you have to say that or do this". Much later she admitted those things made her feel guilty so she had to down play them.

 

I believe you were happy with your marriage. Was it perfect? Doubtful. But those small things become big things to justify what you were doing. In time those things will become small again and you will look at yourself in the mirror and wonder WTF have I done. Hopefully it won't be too late.

 

I wish you well

[Cali408]

It is so hard to get out of affairs. It takes self discipline, self esteem and commitment.

 

Had a rough day with spouse? Easy to get sucked back in

Bored with spouse? Easy to get sucked back in

Lack of Sex/bad sex with spouse? Easy to get sucked back in

 

It's going to really be tough. Having the internet has made it at least twice as hard to get over it.

 

My advice

1. Change all numbers, block all social networks, better yet, unplug

2. Don't compare spouse to MM You know everything about your spouse, there is no mystery. The chemistry in your brain doesn't react as it does with MM.

3. Make a T list on your MM and I will guarantee you there will be more negatives than positives.

 

For example: My XOMW who is now divorced

1. Major league baggage within family, mother, grandmother kids

2. Crazy ex-husband

3. Borderline bankrupt

4. Emotionally needy

5. Sloppy

6. Doesn't cooked

7. Extremely disorganized. always late, loses things, everything is by the seat of the pants

8. Lives too far away

9. Liar

10 lacks self esteem and I manipulated her

 

Her positives are

Beautiful

Great personality most of the time

Great conversationalist

Great sex, open minded

 

As you can see even if I gave 2 points for all her positives, she is still under 10-8

 

Thankfully I've freed myself. After 8 or 9 days, you feel better. Just remind yourself and convince yourself about the negatives, and the hopeless situation

[OffRail]

I posted recently about the MM that I'm having an EA with. Nothing physical has happened.

 

I have tried to end it with him. We go through cycles of him pulling away from me and me being needy and clingy and I can't stand it.

 

So I've tried to end it. He keeps sucking me back in. He tells me he loves me, he tells me he wants a future with me. Apparently that's up to me because we are both married and so if I leave, he'll leave.

 

I tried two weeks ago to end it. He wouldn't let me go. He was so loving and attentive and desperate to keep me. I know I should have blocked him but I didn't have the heart to do it. Yes, I'm weak but I am falling in love with him.

 

Two weeks later, and he's back to pulling away. Too busy to talk to me. He never says he is, he just ignores my messages for hours. He's messing with my head. He says he will never be be too busy to talk to me but then he ignores my messages. What is that?

 

I would never do that to him.

 

Please help me find the strength to go for good.

 

I really need to leave. I need to do NC with him.

 

It hurts so much though. The thought of not talking to him.

 

how did I end up in this mess?

 

I was happy until he came in to my life.

 

 

That hot-and-cold behaviour is a HUGE red flag. I know this from personal experience. When someone truly loves you, they will not play games with you or mess with your head.

 

Usually, there are a couple of reasons why folks do this :

 

(1) People who are emotionally unavailable or have other issues pull this sort of thing to prevent you from becoming too comfortable / cozy in the "relationship" or affair. By blowing hot-and-cold, he keeps you on the edge and makes you paranoid / needy / clingy - all of which translates to MASSIVE ego strokes for them when you react with desperation and frustration over the (false) fear of losing that person. It also sends you the silent message that you two are not an item yet (and probably will never be) !

 

(2) The hot-and-cold behaviour could also be an expectations management thing. He may try to see how badly he can behave and still have you coming back for more. He may be "training" you to be at his heck and call, while not always meeting your expectations or needs from him, resulting in a win-lose situation here (win for him, of course).

 

At least this is my belief on the hot-and-cold thing.

 

Exactly what is it that you are getting from this "emotional" affair (aside from being treated like crap) ? It is not like he is giving you red hot sex and physical fulfillment, and it isn't like he is meeting your emotional needs (any more than your husband is) so what is it that draws you to him like moth to flame ? Is it the promise how good it can be IF ONLY he would be always attentive, always affectionate, always around ... ? The way I see it, it isn't the reality of the situation as it currently is that is keeping you hooked to him. It is the promise of WHAT COULD BE that is.

 

Listen, I have been in your shoes (but not with a married man). I know first hand how WONDERFUL it is when they do give you their full attention and turn on their charm, and how AWFUL it is when they disappear a couple of days later, and are gone for weeks / even months. The heady feeling that you get when they are hot is like an addiction - you keep craving it more and more - and the hurt and disappointment you feel when they go cold and disappear are the withdrawal symptoms you suffer when you no longer have access to that addictive (hot, so-into-you) stuff.

 

The only way to get over this guy and his games is to quit COLD TURKEY. Again, from experience, the first week or so will almost kill you. You will crave him desperately but do not cave in. He may not even realize that you have gone MIA (especially since you suspect that you are not the only one he is messing with) but when he does need an ego stroke and cannot find you around, he may figure that his game is up and come around, all hot and charming again. Stay strong and see this guy for what / who he is.

 

He is married, cheating on his wife with possibly more than one woman, and he isn't above playing games with the women he is stringing along. What do you want to bet that he will stay married even if you left your husband, because why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free ? If he has any children with his wife, then it is all the more important for him to stay in his marriage, no matter what BS he spews at you about leaving her to "live happily ever after" with you.

 

This will not have a fairy tale ending. I am sorry, I am not trying to be mean or cruel to you, I am just stating a fact based on what you have posted here. If he has MULTIPLE "side chicks", that is exactly what he is seeking. He is not looking for a long term relationship / marriage with you (or with anyone else). He just wants to have some fun on the side, and there are women to provide it to him without him having to do anything but chat them up. When he does tell you that he will leave his wife if you leave your husband, he is being a psycho jerk. He is just basically telling you whatever it is you want to hear, so you will give him whatever he wants from you at that point in time. He might even tell you that he will spirit you off to Andromeda if it gets you to put out, and not even remember it two minutes later, and after the fact.

 

He is playing you like a fiddle. He isn't a true friend. He is a user and loser. I am willing to bet that your ass will be grass the minute he can find someone to actually give him some free sex on the side, and not just "talk" all the time. Walk, not run, before you waste any more time on him. It would be the best decision you ever took !

 

Good luck !

[Friskyone4u]

You say this is only EA. My guess is that after next week you will be here asking advice about PA . A heroin addict does not get off the stuff getting one more shot in person. If you really wanted to end this you would bite the bullet and stop rationalizing why it has to be done in person. This is not a lifelong friend you are losing but a man who wants to have sex with you.

And after you have this in person meeting the NC will be more painful and go out the window. All of this would be fine if you would divorce your husband first before you betray him even further .

[Be_Strong]

When the truth was I was the same, it was her that changed, it was her that was uninterested. My compliments and loving gestures fall on deaf ear or went unnoticed.

Ain't that the truth. Notice how the OP admits her husband tells her he loves her, and then almost in the same breath said that the "I love you's" she was receiving from the MM is what was missing in her marriage.

[lastTrainHome]

Just curious, who decided not to go into the physical side? you or him?

 

IMHO EA is very awkward as it is something between a friendship and an affair, and one or both party involved can get very frustrated. If you refuse to go to the physical side, that can be cold-and-hot to him as well.

 

I also doubt his words about a future together with you when what you two have is just an EA. Man needs to be physically connected to feel love.

 

Just my two cents. We can only make suggestion based what you posted without knowing any more details.

[neverdonethisbefore]

Thank you all for your responses which I have read and tried to digest.

 

 

DKT3, I did feel attacked initially but I do appreciate your response and also where you are coming from.

 

 

My husband does say he loves me however, he doesn't like me very much. He doesn't say that he doesn't like me but it's evident in his continual criticism, his total lack of interest in anything that goes on in my life. He wants me to listen to him talk endlessly about cars and DIY but he can't listen to anything I have to say. In any discussion, I am always wrong, my point of view is always invalid. On the face of it, we get on reasonably well but he never fails to put me down the first chance he gets. He will give the shirt off his back to a virtual stranger but can't walk down the road to get something from the corner café for me. It doesn't matter what I ask him to do, if it's for me he behaves as if I have just asked him to cut off his foot.

 

 

Along comes MM who tells me how wonderful I am, who listens to what is going on in my life, who is supportive and understanding. Who instead of telling me how I should manage a situation, gets annoyed on my behalf with whomever it is that has upset me. He also tells me that he loves me, he tells me that he accepts me as I am, that I shouldn't change a thing, he loves all of me. Contrast that with constant criticism as to how I should change every single thing about myself and maybe you'll see how easy it is to fall for someone who tells you the things you'd like to hear.

 

 

And yes, I am a fool, I did fall for it. I know he's manipulating me, I know he has an ulterior motive and I know that he is not going to leave his wife no matter what he says. I know all these things and yet leaving is still the most difficult thing I have ever tried to.

 

 

So yes, I'm weak and yes I was a fool and yes I should have stopped it before it started and yes, I should never have gone down this road but I did and now I have to live with the consequences.

 

 

I really need some help and support with that.

 

 

We are in LC at the moment. It's so hard, it's causing me such heartache.

 

 

We were supposed to meet this week but I don't know if that is going to happen. Half of me is relieved but half of me is desperate to see him.

 

 

The no physical aspect is my idea, he has made it quite clear that he will happily have a PA with me. We are supposed to be meeting in a public place, I won't be alone with him - that would be stupid in the extreme.

 

 

The LC was partly my idea and partly circumstantial. I had already suggested to him that we only talk during the day, not in the evenings or on weekends - that has been very difficult, I have missed him so much.

 

 

However we've had virtually no contact since yesterday afternoon as he has been in hospital since then. He has a heart issue that I have just found out about.

 

 

I do feel like my heart is breaking and I have no idea how to get over it or how to stop feeling this way.

[DKT3]

You have to make your head lead your heart and not run on emotions. After I moved out I would wake up at 3am wanting nothing more then to contact her, to hear her voice she was my comfort zone. I forced myself not to, it was hard but it best for me, to protect myself. Your situation is different because you also have the pain of two other people on the line here. Your not too weak, you simply want to be around him for the ego stroking.

 

In your situation I think you should accept your husbands ILY's as what they are. I was guilty of doing some of the things your husband does. It was because I had high expectations of my wife, I wanted her to do better and be better. Since the divorce I dated and with those women I had low expectations so I came off as more supportive when in fact I just didn't care enough to give their problems and issues much thought, "wow your a great listener" nah I just didn't care. Be careful here, I think you maybe mistaking him wanting to get laid on a regular with him caring about you past his ends.

 

If you want it over get it over. Start today, then worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. No LC, just plain NC. If that too hard, then communicate with your husband. Let him know he make you feel like.......... then explain how its opened you up to being willing to accept emotional support from another. Give him a chance, let him know he is fighting a war.

[Pinklotus]

It sounds like your problems with your husband can be fixed with counseling.

 

He says he loves you. You think he doesn't like you, but that cranky behavior could have little or nothing to do with you. He could be depressed, anxious, dissatisfied in the marriage himself, feeling rejected, whatever,..you won't know til you get to counseling and try to fix it.

 

In my case, I had not fully confronted my husband on some issues over the years that had caused me pain and resentment. He was also suffering from mild depression and anxiety that prevented him from being as supportive to me emotionally as he could. He is now on medication and his outlook has improved dramatically, which means we are both much happier. And the marriage counseling has helped a great deal, as well.

 

Now that I am out of the fog, I am extremely happy that I didn't cross the physical line with the MM that I was emotionally involved in. And I'm also very glad that I was the one to end it.

 

End it with the other guy and work on your marriage. Faithful men are hard to find. If you have one, try to fix what is wrong and keep him around!

[Lovemesomehim]

I've been unhappy with my husband for the last 8 years. He says that we made vows to stay together and we will stay together at least until our children have left the house. He says that he will not contemplate leaving until then. So no, we haven't been happy and I'm not rewriting my marriage.

 

As for why I stay, well I did make a promise that I wouldn't leave and my husband has already made it clear that leaving is not an option he would consider. We wrote our own vows and nowhere in them did either of us promise monogamy although of course, it was presumed. Of course I know that having an EA with someone else is wrong and would be very hurtful to my husband if he found out.

 

I've done nothing physical with the MM. I haven't banged him. It has taken this affair though to make me see what is missing in my marriage.

 

I just don't know if my husband and I can get it back. He is so completely and utterly disinterested in me as a human being, I don't know if we can recover from that.

 

How can your husband make it clear to you that leaving is not an option? Were those words also in the vows you two made up?

 

 

Since you've made promises to stay in your marriage, why not make a promise to fix the problems in your marriage?

[herself]

I totally empathize with you. For me I lived many years with that hot cold push pull behavior in my eap.

I think thats whats kept me (and maybe you) in for this long.

I think your self esteem gets worn down...then they come around and you felt happy and axxepted and like they realized your very valuable to them but the same cycle repeats.

Your so exhausted you dont even know how to make it better or yourself better.

You get confused whether you fight for yourself, for the EAP you came to love, for your spouse and marriage.

Its so confusing to love another outside a marriage.

I didnt feel capable or rejecting the love or know how to shut it off.

Its really impacted my life both negatively and positively over the years.

But despite some really wonderful days and memories and the deepest love..nothing compares to the pain and to anyone who reads...try your best NOW to end.

EA I read is so much more agonizing to recover from.

I just wanted to let you know to use me as your prime example of why you should let go now.

Look how long Ive been through this.

It doesn't change.

[neverdonethisbefore]

The title says it all really. I have ended my A with my EAP. My heart is shattered.

 

He wants to remain friends. I just can't but also can't bear the idea of not having him in my life.

 

I don't know how to pick myself up from this.

 

Please help. How do I heal and move on?

[carhill]

EA's can be tough, especially in the unfinished business area, partly dependent on how it ended and partly because the sexual attraction component was never consummated.

 

IME, having been down that road a few times, my solution was focusing on other aspects of life, primarily work and friends, and starting new activities which focused attention away from idle time and idle thoughts, since it was easier to avoid thinking about the unfinished business of the EA when otherwise occupied.

 

Back in the day, it was pretty easy to do NC since all the electronic means didn't exist that are around now. However, more recently, it was pretty easy to eliminate contact means and, fortunately, in my case, MW's generally have been pretty good about disappearing. I did my part with NC and life went on.

 

If you get 'stuck', consider counseling. A good counselor has tools which can help you change your thought processes and move on.

 

Good luck!

[herself]

I an truly sorry. Been there with very long ea.

It does have to be broken in time and there is no good or easy time.

It does truly hurt and you've got to get through that pain to heal.

In time you will be healed. Right now just accept it will be hell and keep going forward.

[neverdonethisbefore]

This is so very difficult. I find myself thinking about him constantly. Countless times I've almost messaged him

 

he asked me to remain in contact and if we could still be friends.

 

I don't know if I can do that.

 

He has texted me today. I haven't replied. Not yet.

 

How did others get through this?

 

Is it possible to go back to being friends?

[goodyblue]

This is so very difficult. I find myself thinking about him constantly. Countless times I've almost messaged him

 

he asked me to remain in contact and if we could still be friends.

 

I don't know if I can do that.

 

He has texted me today. I haven't replied. Not yet.

 

How did others get through this?

 

Is it possible to go back to being friends?

 

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I don't know if it is possible to remain friends when you have had an ea because it is such a slippery slope. My opinion is that if you are sincere about ending it you have to get some time and space to get perspective and to lick your wounds. I know it hurts so much to continue talking and usually you end up right back where you were.

 

I don't know how bad your marriage is but I just truly do not believe in staying in an unhappy relationship. I don't think you should waste one another's time. Get out now while you can find love again and so can your husband. Life is short and I don't intend to waste a moment of it loving the wrong person and having a crappy, lonely existence. You shouldn't either.

 

Chin up

[herself]

Though its sad to say I let the door be reopened during a pact to a mutually agreed on friendship ONLY...this was after we ended EA.

But the second time around happened because the door to my heart was left open and the friendship was allowed to continue and I can tell you the second end came and it was a million times harder and more hurtful so Id like to see you spare yourself another round. Im very very sorry for your pain.