I'm extremely pissed

[heyjesse84]

So I've been in an A with a MM (I'm married as well) for a couple years. We talked numerous times a day, became each others best friend. He's older than me, sort of guided me. We never had intentions of it ever becoming more than fwb. He actually left me twice earlier on saying he had pressure from feeling such guilt. But he came back both times, missing me. He told me he wouldn't ever leave me again because he couldnt, and that I would have to be the one to ever walk away.

 

Well recently I hit a really rough patch. I've had a lot going on in my life, and got seriously depressed. I leaned on him a lot and told him everything and always have, about my life. I told him things no one ever knew and we were so connected. We said we loved each other, cared for each other, and would always remain good friends. He was always there for me. I can get a little crazy and have a rough life, but he guided me and was my level head.

 

So through this rough patch I thought I cant handle the A anymore with everything going on. We met, I cried, I was devastated because I didn't want to lose him but wasn't sure I could handle all these things at once. I sort of changed my mind because I couldn't imagine him not always being my friend. I sort of was back and forth as to what was best.

 

I gave him options because I could choose. To either stay, take a break or end it. I just couldn't mentally choose. He choose a break, for a damn month. Saying he is too old for this and apparently can't handle me. I feel extremely abandoned. I know it's stupid as I was almost going to leave him. But I love him so much just as a best friend I couldn't. So I'm really hurt that in the midst of this crisis he would just go like that. Just leave me, NC for a whole month. This man I talked to 10 times a day, just gone, when I needed him the most.

 

I don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm really angry, really hurt, I feel like if he really loved or cared for me, and said he wouldn't leave me again, why did he walk away at my worst?

 

I don't even know if right now I hate him for walking away when I needed him. Or if I should hate myself for leaning on him and potentially pushing him away. Part of me thinks I don't ever even want to talk to him again because I'm hurt and he obviously doesn't care about me like he said he does and is a selfish pick (obviously as he's a cheater, stupid me). But then part of me was like....man, he was honestly my best friend.

[Thruster]

hey jess:

 

 

we are men - -we don't listen

we don't really want to hear much anyway

 

 

We get scared as all hell when a girl - breaks down and opens up

 

 

Give him some time -- if he is a friend he will come back - after a time out

and be ready to help you move on

 

 

hope it works out for you

[whatatangledweb]

You said you told him you had too much going on in your life at the moment and you couldn't mentally choose. You asked him to.

The options you gave were to either stay, take a break or end it. If I put myself in his shoes I would say he didn't want to stay because you said it was too much for you. He didn't end it because he doesn't want it to end. So he took the option that gave you a mental break which you stated that you needed it.

 

 

Now you are upset because he took the option he thought would help you the best. If you changed your mind then call him. He can't read your mind.

[sunburned]

^^^ That's really it.

 

You gave him three choices, he picked one. In my opinion, he chose the one of least resistance. You're on trial NC. He may or may not come back. You may or may not go back. But let the choice stand. Don't contact him for a month. You will both gain some perspective.

[heyjesse84]

What I don't get is this. He said this was my doing and my decision. Which like you said, whatatangledweb, I would think he chose this option for me. Well then why would he tell me that he is too old to emotionally deal with this... (me) essentially. That now puts this break on him. I'm hurting. I'm over analyzing. We have a set date to talk again that's 3 weeks out. But my anxiety and pain is not getting any better. This, on top of everything is too overwhelming.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I am in a LDR of 3+ years... one main thing we have is 100% complete understanding of wants, needs and expectations.

 

You can't expect everything in a relationship, some expectations become personal demands if not accepted well between each other.

 

He expected you to maintain your marriage and never expected to be placed in the middle. Let alone be available at a moments notice of needing him.

 

Now that you are hurt, you must realize your relationship was not what you expected, and because he did not come to your side, he will never gain your trust as well as he had. That is partially your fault.

 

Most all A relationships are not 50/50 split between marriage and A partner... you must take what he has shown with a grain of salt.

 

Think of your marriage before the blowout... would you come running if he had the same for him??? Maybe your time and home is not as demanding as his, but would you allow having your husband question your actions for another man in need???

 

I am sure both of you would run to each others arms, but marriage will trump the A card just because marriage is not being divorced or in separation.

 

I admit if my LDR had a serious blowout, I would want to be there with her. But there are limitations to what I can do and she knows that, and does not expect me to be there at a moments notice. Though if I did, it would not surprise her.

 

The way you are talking, do you think the both of you are willing to start separation with your marriages to keep your relationship, or are you not happy that he does not want to stress his marriage at the least for you?

Edited September 8, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[heyjesse84]

I don't want to leave my H, nor will he ever leave his W. I just miss my friend. I'd never expect him to put me first and come running to me. But in this day in age of technology, a quick text, call, can mean the world to someone.

[amaysngrace]

He sounds weak. He should be able to be there for you if you're down. Like a rock.

 

Your best friend is not a nice guy. Plain and simple. He does not care.

[whichwayisup]

I don't want to leave my H, nor will he ever leave his W. I just miss my friend. I'd never expect him to put me first and come running to me. But in this day in age of technology, a quick text, call, can mean the world to someone.

 

You can't continue to have it both ways. What you both are doing is extremely selfish, having your cake and eating too. Neither of you want to divorce, you want the affair to continue.

 

This isn't fair to your husband, nor to his wife. Eventually they will find out and then the sh.t will hit the fan. Are you prepared to face your husband? To see the devastation, to see the expression on his face, to know that the love and trust he once had with you will be all gone? Consequences...Are you ready for them?

[Sub]

I don't think you're pissed at him as much as you're pissed about the situation and circumstances you find yourself in. As in, the "WB" part of FWB. If he was just your best friend, he'd still be there for you. The benefits have complicated it. Maybe that's what you're truly upset about.

 

You gave him the option to end it, you yourself were going to leave, so there's no rational reason to direct your anger towards him, IMO.

[DKT3]

I don't want to leave my H, nor will he ever leave his W. I just miss my friend. I'd never expect him to put me first and come running to me. But in this day in age of technology, a quick text, call, can mean the world to someone.

 

So everything has to be according to what you want? I betting your husband would want you to be faithful and your boyfriend would want you to be less drama. Its pretty clear what your husband would want doesn't matter so why stay? If you care about him why do this?

[Ronni_W]

heyjesse,

Even if this was your husband or very best girlfriend...you were leaning too heavily; using the relationship in place of getting proper help, learning better coping skills, doing what you need to do in order to limit/eliminate some of the stresses in your own life.

 

Your expectation for anybody to have the time, energy, emotional resources, expertise to be as a 'guide' or therapist if/whenever you need that from them is unreasonable, unrealistic. When you put that onus on someone who has their own life, family, job, stresses, problems, guilt...it more has the potential to turn out exactly as it did here, if not sooner, then later.

 

For the circumstances, he acted appropriately and rationally; made the wisest choice, decision; did what he needed to do for his own mental-emotional health, welfare, well-being. In this, that he has a wife (and perhaps also kids?) is almost irrelevant. But the fact that he has a wife (and perhaps also kids?)...he does still owe it to her/them to be able to be as high-functioning as he possibly can (with or without also an OW).

 

Maybe he didn't say the best words to you, to express his own needs and wants...but a lot of people are not too fluent when it comes to expressing such.

 

It is difficult and you do deserve whatever help, guidance, support you need...which is why you’d be far better-served seeking it out from people who do have the expertise and all needed, necessary resources.

 

Best.

[Lovemesomehim]

So I've been in an A with a MM (I'm married as well) for a couple years. We talked numerous times a day, became each others best friend. He's older than me, sort of guided me. We never had intentions of it ever becoming more than fwb. He actually left me twice earlier on saying he had pressure from feeling such guilt. But he came back both times, missing me. He told me he wouldn't ever leave me again because he couldnt, and that I would have to be the one to ever walk away.

 

Well recently I hit a really rough patch. I've had a lot going on in my life, and got seriously depressed. I leaned on him a lot and told him everything and always have, about my life. I told him things no one ever knew and we were so connected. We said we loved each other, cared for each other, and would always remain good friends. He was always there for me. I can get a little crazy and have a rough life, but he guided me and was my level head.

 

So through this rough patch I thought I cant handle the A anymore with everything going on. We met, I cried, I was devastated because I didn't want to lose him but wasn't sure I could handle all these things at once. I sort of changed my mind because I couldn't imagine him not always being my friend. I sort of was back and forth as to what was best.

 

I gave him options because I could choose. To either stay, take a break or end it. I just couldn't mentally choose. He choose a break, for a damn month. Saying he is too old for this and apparently can't handle me. I feel extremely abandoned. I know it's stupid as I was almost going to leave him. But I love him so much just as a best friend I couldn't. So I'm really hurt that in the midst of this crisis he would just go like that. Just leave me, NC for a whole month. This man I talked to 10 times a day, just gone, when I needed him the most.

 

I don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm really angry, really hurt, I feel like if he really loved or cared for me, and said he wouldn't leave me again, why did he walk away at my worst?

 

I don't even know if right now I hate him for walking away when I needed him. Or if I should hate myself for leaning on him and potentially pushing him away. Part of me thinks I don't ever even want to talk to him again because I'm hurt and he obviously doesn't care about me like he said he does and is a selfish pick (obviously as he's a cheater, stupid me). But then part of me was like....man, he was honestly my best friend.

 

Why are you so surprised of his decision? After all, he is a married man having an affair with you. He has a wife at home that he's taking advantage of, why wouldn't he turn his back on you when you need him the most? He turned his back on his wife when he decided to have an affair with you, therefore, nothing that he does negative should surprise you.

 

 

Remember, there was a once upon a time with his wife, when he loved her (maybe still does) He married her, shared his life with her. She was (maybe still is) his best friend.

 

 

Right now you are hurting but its a great time to began opening your eyes to the realness of this affair.

[whatatangledweb]

What I don't get is this. He said this was my doing and my decision. Which like you said, whatatangledweb, I would think he chose this option for me. Well then why would he tell me that he is too old to emotionally deal with this... (me) essentially. That now puts this break on him. I'm hurting. I'm over analyzing. We have a set date to talk again that's 3 weeks out. But my anxiety and pain is not getting any better. This, on top of everything is too overwhelming.

 

I am 48 and I am too old or just over having to deal with a bunch of drama in life. I don't think he meant you as a personal dig but the back and forth you were doing mentally. Emotionally he was dealing with your back and forth of not knowing what you needed plus he has a marriage to deal with on top of it. Yes, he took the break but you made him choose and that you have to own.

You need to use this break as a way to figure how what you really want. Stop using it to analyze why he gave you what you wanted and why he did it. He isn't calling or emailing because you wanted a break. He is giving you thirty days of not dealing with him to help you.Other wise the break is useless and you will stay just as you are. Confused, mental drained, full of anxiety and pain.

 

Use the time to see if you want to continue an affair that will only be an affair because neither of you want to leave your spouses.

[Quiet Storm]

You should work out your feelings on your own. Other people are not responsible for our feelings. You depend on him for emotional support and that's not healthy or fair. Your main priority should be learning how to cope with your life. It's nice to have people that will listen and support us, but to rely on a person to this extent not good. Find your strength from within. You "needing" him is just an illusion, a way for you to blame someone else for the way you feel. You are thinking "I'm so upset and it's his fault", instead of "I'm upset and need to learn healthy ways to cope". It's a mind trick that you are playing on yourself, to avoid personal responsibility. You are not a victim here, as much as you feel like you are. You feel powerless because you allow another person to have such influence over your emotions. It doesn't have to be that way.

[Poppy47]

YOu gave him choices and he chose.

 

I think he probably told you the truth.

 

Affairs are exhausting and people get to a stage in life(believe it or not) where they are no long able to cope with the constant stress of a double life.

His whole family structure is at risk.

 

I am old and I have been there and done that. Maybe he is just sick of holding you up.

 

Poppy.

[gettingstronger]

You gave him an out and he took it- that should tell you all you need to know-

[jellybean89]

When are you going to focus on your husband? Why isn't he your BFF? What is he to you - someone who financially supports you, does household chores? What role does your H have in your life?