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I was wondering if any OW or fOW here can share what happened during your first fight with the MM.

 

Who started it?

What was the reason for the fight?

What did you do after the fight (ie. go NC, apologize)?

Who extended the olive branch to make up?

 

My MM had our first fight yesterday. He's never been so angry at me like this before so I'm at a loss as to what to do now. I don't know if we "broke up", all I can remember is hearing him yelling the f and s words. Apparently I lit the fuse because I was getting too persistent with my text messages wondering exactly when I was going to see him next, which I suppose caused him to start feeling forced. I didn't yell back at him, I didn't cry, beg or plead, but my voice was a mixture of confusion and sorrow. But since he was the one that started the fight, should he be the one to reach out first if he wants to make up? I don't want to make the situation worse so I've been leaving him alone but does my going silent translate to him that I ended it?

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Stay silent. Just stay silent.

This is already a strained situation for you both.

Let him cool down and come to you.

Realize he has a full plate with work, wife, and family.

Unfortunately ow comes last. Sad but reality.

Take a few days for you. Stay calm. Do not write.

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Yikes. Mine has never cussed me out. That would be bad for him. IMO we're giving up enough to be with a MM, we don't need to be abused on top of it.

 

We've never really had a TRUE fight. We've bickered and we've had disagreements, but nothing serious. Most of ours revolved around broken promises and hurt feelings and were resolved within 24 hours or less, generally with the "offender" reaching out. He gets over stuff way quicker than I do and when he's over it, he's over it. Doesn't want to discuss it again, etc. When I get upset, I want to talk about it and "fix it" right away. We're total opposites in that regard which can cause issues in and of itself. lol

 

Good luck

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I was wondering if any OW or fOW here can share what happened during your first fight with the MM.

 

Who started it?

What was the reason for the fight?

What did you do after the fight (ie. go NC, apologize)?

Who extended the olive branch to make up?

 

My MM had our first fight yesterday. He's never been so angry at me like this before so I'm at a loss as to what to do now. I don't know if we "broke up", all I can remember is hearing him yelling the f and s words. Apparently I lit the fuse because I was getting too persistent with my text messages wondering exactly when I was going to see him next, which I suppose caused him to start feeling forced. I didn't yell back at him, I didn't cry, beg or plead, but my voice was a mixture of confusion and sorrow. But since he was the one that started the fight, should he be the one to reach out first if he wants to make up? I don't want to make the situation worse so I've been leaving him alone but does my going silent translate to him that I ended it?

 

Sounds like you text bombed him and he got sick of felt suffocated. He reacted badly and swore at you, which is really unwarranted and disrespectful.

 

Don't text him, let him text you. And if he doesn't text, then you know it's over and you're better off not having a person like that in your life.

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Stay silent. Just stay silent.

This is already a strained situation for you both.

Let him cool down and come to you.

Realize he has a full plate with work, wife, and family.

Unfortunately ow comes last. Sad but reality.

Take a few days for you. Stay calm. Do not write.

 

That is a sad reality, yet so many OW and OM settle and continue the A even though they've been treated poorly, like the OP.

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And now I wonder if maybe he did it on purpose so that I would leave him alone because not even 24 hours later he posts on his wall that god is good to him. Who says that after having a fight unless it's the result you wanted, or I'm reading into things :-/

 

I am going to keep my silence because, if anything, he should be apologizing to me for yelling at me. He hasn't yet. And he obviously has no fear of me telling his W, not that I ever would but if I were a MM, I think I would be extra careful not to piss off the OW if you didn't want to be caught. I didn't hear him say anything about I don't want to see you or talk to you anymore so maybe it's not over but it is over if he doesn't talk to me first.

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not even 24 hours later he posts on his wall that god is good to him. Who says that after having a fight

You're right...that just reeks of someone who doesn't care about what you may or may not be going through after the fight.

 

If it was a non-affair relationship, where it's just the two of you...would you be okay with this? With him posting that before he's even checked-in on how you're doing/feeling after a fight?

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You are taking bad behavior as normal. This is not normal. He should be kissing the ground you walk on within the space of the affair. If you don't feel absolutely wanted and needed and valued while you are having the affair, why continue?

 

 

Okay, this was the first time he went off on you. Nothing good can follow. Do you want him that bad?

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And now I wonder if maybe he did it on purpose so that I would leave him alone because not even 24 hours later he posts on his wall that god is good to him. Who says that after having a fight unless it's the result you wanted, or I'm reading into things :-/

 

I am going to keep my silence because, if anything, he should be apologizing to me for yelling at me. He hasn't yet. And he obviously has no fear of me telling his W, not that I ever would but if I were a MM, I think I would be extra careful not to piss off the OW if you didn't want to be caught. I didn't hear him say anything about I don't want to see you or talk to you anymore so maybe it's not over but it is over if he doesn't talk to me first.

 

And need to apologize to him for text bombing him and pushing him when he was going to see you next.

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And need to apologize to him for text bombing him and pushing him when he was going to see you next.

 

I said I was sorry on the phone and 20 minutes after we hung up, I sent a text apologizing for my behavior. Obviously he didn't respond but I will do it again if he speaks to me.

 

If I'm being a pest, I guess he'll be happy the pest isn't around anymore.

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I said I was sorry on the phone and 20 minutes after we hung up, I sent a text apologizing for my behavior. Obviously he didn't respond but I will do it again if he speaks to me.

 

If I'm being a pest, I guess he'll be happy the pest isn't around anymore.

 

Sorry I forgot that you did already. :)

 

Well, try to keep yourself busy. Go enjoy the weekend with your women friends!

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Scarlet, I find your posts so frustrating. I was a married OW myself and my married OM wasn't the prince I thought he was, but he never did anything like this. This is not your first fight, dear. Read your post from early August. You continue to "normalize" and make excuses for his abhorrent behavior.

 

When you entered this A, you told him you were his "next wife." From day one, he told you that would not be the case. According to your posts, he has said it repeatedly. So you must be in this only for an affair -- an affair that will never end in a legit relationship. Having an affair is in itself reprehensible but if your moral code allows you to do it, then it should at a minimum be enjoyable. It doesn't seem like it is. I fear there is an usually large disconnect between you and your MM and that you still think he's going to leave his wife. If I am wrong, great! Then that means you know the score. Powder your nose, put on your sexy underwear and wait by the phone like a good little OW.

 

As sick as I think your guy is, I'm not sure he does owe you the first apology. He's asked you repeatedly not to initiate texts, calls etc. He's asked you to accept the R for what it is -- an A only. If you don't want to accept those conditions, good for you! Leave, like now. Otherwise, accept and stop whining to him by text. As another poster said, you are becoming less fun and more maintenance. I don't know how old you are but you sound young and I hate to see you waste your marriageable years on a loser.

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still_an_Angel

He should be the one running after you, and ensuring that You are HAPPY in this relationship. He's the one who's attached, you have all the options in the world to find and meet other men who will be available for you all the time. Granted all relationships should be give and take, but in this case, he abuses you Scarlet, yet you seem to fail to see the imbalance in this relationship. He holds all the cards and treats you as an accessory in his life, to play with at his leisure. Its so unfair!

 

You seem like a very nice person and I'm sure you are lovely, but he is not available for you, and with his long list of priorities, he does not even put you in the top 5. Please, please, take some of your power back, this relationship is getting too toxic, you're not happy most of the time and an A shouldn't be like this. I don't mean to come across as offensive to you as you know we both stand on the same side of the lake. But it pains me that he treats you like this, its like he's pushing you out and doing his best to be nasty about it.

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For the love of God, stop being so apologetic. The rat verbally abused you... not acceptable for any reason.

If he's like this now, expect more of the same. He has treated you BADLY.

 

The whole incident is shrieking that all he cares about is himself. How can you live by his rules????

 

Why not find a nice available man who won't dictate when and how many times you can contact him.

Get rid of him,

Poppy.

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Scarlett I just reread your previous post too.

My heart aches for you as you are in love with a man that just isn't in love with you.

He doesn't want this and I truly believe he is wanting out but wants you to end it.

Im so sorry.

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Omg our first fight was so STUPID, but it needed to happen. It took over a year and a half. Basically he was going through something personal (not marriage related) and was beyond miserable. I coddled this man for weeks, doing everything I could to lift his spirits...well one day I was just having a bad day, lack of sleep, PMS, I don't know, but I was in rare form, and I basically ended up telling him to suck it up and grow a pair because I had my own problems that day. I very quickly learned that he's more sensitive than I had originally thought. We didn't officially split, but went a few days without talking. I couldn't eat, or sleep, and cried off and on for a week. It was terrible, but love works itself out. We've had a few very minor spats since then, and each one brings us closer. In any relationship you have to be able to argue, move on, and still love each other at the end of the day.

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....and for the record Scarlet, this guy doesn't deserve you. What he deserves, is to feel the pain YOU are feeling now, when in a few weeks he decides he misses you, and you brush him off like yesterday's news.

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I was reading up on the distancer pursuer dynamic and I am indeed the pursuer and he is the distancer. The pursuer needs closeness and contact that I wasn't getting so I kept pushing for it with my behavior. He has too much going on that he was already in distancer mode, add me to the mix and now the distance gets doubled because he feels the suffocation from both his W and me. But I receive the explosion because she's got 20+ experience with him and probably already knows how to deal with it, whereas I'm still figuring it out.

 

I'm still keeping silent. I haven't texted, called, haven't run into him. If anything, the next likelihood that I'd run into him would be after the 22nd when he returns from a trip, so that's good because the minute I see him or talk to him, all the negatives melt away, therefore this way I'll be healing without regressing.

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Step away from him... You are officially emotionally involved beyond what you should be in.

 

Geez, if he gets this frustrated with you, just imagine how he can be with the BS.. He sounds emotionally abusive..

 

You don't deserve that and... Thank your stars your not married to him. Don't reach out to him... He owes you an apology.

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And now I wonder if maybe he did it on purpose so that I would leave him alone because not even 24 hours later he posts on his wall that god is good to him. Who says that after having a fight unless it's the result you wanted, or I'm reading into things :-/

 

I am going to keep my silence because, if anything, he should be apologizing to me for yelling at me. He hasn't yet. And he obviously has no fear of me telling his W, not that I ever would but if I were a MM, I think I would be extra careful not to piss off the OW if you didn't want to be caught. I didn't hear him say anything about I don't want to see you or talk to you anymore so maybe it's not over but it is over if he doesn't talk to me first.

 

See, you just implied he should be wary cause you might tell his wife. That is such juvenile behavior and I can't imagine someone tolerating me so I don't "tell" on them. You are clearly the chaser and he isn't as into you as you are with him. Why is that good enough for you?

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That's where I feel differently. Him being a distancer means he has the fear of intimacy. Obviously I'm in the dark how he feels at the moment but I know he very much liked me, so much so that he even said he had to pull back because it was scaring him because he couldn't concentrate on anything else but being with me. If he doesn't like me anymore, he could easily say "hey maybe we should go our separate ways" instead of consistently telling me "we'll spend more time together, everything is fine".

 

It's my fault the fight happened because I should have had more trust that he meant what he said instead of needing to be reassured. I have to work on my pursuer behavior.

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Scarlett those things he was saying to you were in the moment type statements.

When things were hot and fun.

The fog is lifting for him...hes no longer in that moment.

At the same time he doesn't want you to get angry and pissed so you feel neglected and tell his wife.

He really doesn't know how to end it and not look like the bad guy or get caught.

Your pursuing a ghost.

Yes it would be better for him to take the iniative and tell you its over but he is wishing you would.

He got angry with the texts and calls because he was thinking what more he could do to show he wasn't into it and why wouldn't you take the hint and break up with him.

But instead he has your self esteem so low you are already blaming yourself for the fight and allowing him to be absolved...

Think about it...a man who really loved and cared for you would have already reached out to make sure your ok.

He is thinking good...maybe now she will leave me alone.

Im sensing he feels relief.

Look up the website baggage reclaim its an amazing source of strength and insight to read those articles and gain understanding.

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That's where I feel differently. Him being a distancer means he has the fear of intimacy. Obviously I'm in the dark how he feels at the moment but I know he very much liked me, so much so that he even said he had to pull back because it was scaring him because he couldn't concentrate on anything else but being with me. If he doesn't like me anymore, he could easily say "hey maybe we should go our separate ways" instead of consistently telling me "we'll spend more time together, everything is fine".

 

It's my fault the fight happened because I should have had more trust that he meant what he said instead of needing to be reassured. I have to work on my pursuer behavior.

 

These push and pull relationships are not healthy.

 

It is nearly impossible to have a fulfilling relationship with people who "fear intimacy." And you can't love them out of the fear. And the other bad part is that most of the time they are not going to say "Let's go our separate ways..." so your idea that that's what he would do is kind of off. Usually they distance and then come back, pull away and come back and it's very emotionally draining and in some ways manipulative. They do it to manage your expectations. They will be as sweet as pie once you have no demands and are at their whim but punish you by distancing when you try to ask for more so that you learn that you should just go along with the status quo. Instead of saying they can't provide what you need, they distance and come back to train you to provide for their needs only and you eventually learn that what leads to them going away is your actions instead of seeing how effed up and selfish their actions are. The distancer is in the seat of power and the pursuer is not and the pursuer is often the one desperate for love and validation hence they stick around in spite of this crazy behavior whereas someone who values themselves a lot more would tell the distancer to eff off.

 

Every normal thing you do for closeness will "chase" them away and blaming yourself for it and changing all your behaviors doesn't help. You will soon find yourself always being in the wrong and always trying to appease him like you're already doing instead of realizing it's no good.

 

It seems like within this affair you're trying to have some kind of fulfilling relationship but it doesn't seem likely, not only because it's an affair but mainly because of thew push-pull, distancer-pursuer dynamic. I don't know what you've read but the problem isn't the fault of the "pursuer" the problem is that distancers are emotionally unavailable people and for some reason pursuers are attracted to that and think they can change them but usually the pursuer ends up being hurt. BTDT...I had to cut him loose eventually and realize normal, good relationships aren't about one person pursuing and the other running or trying to force intimacy with someone who can't handle it or be a good girl so he doesn't run away by simply pretending I have no desire for closeness. It's bull. But good luck....

Edited by MissBee
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