Long time listener, first time caller

[SnackPack]

Hi everyone, I've bummed around these forums a few times before hoping to encounter a shred of wisdom with what I'm currently going through. The community around here seems to be supportive and generally no-bull**** and I appreciate that.

 

To the crux of the matter, I'm in my late twenties, married, no kids, own a house, self-employed, all that good stuff. My wife and I have been together for over a decade, but only married for 3 years now and as soon as we got married issues started cropping up all over. It started initially as we rounded out our first year together where she had admitted to me that she was just doing enough to keep the status quo. We seeked out therapy and had gone through it for roughly ten months. a year and a half later, we're having issues all over again, but for entirely different reasons.

 

She currently wants to have kids yesterday, and I am starting my business and trying to get my place in life settled. She's had the same job for the better half of a decade, makes good money, etc, but is very go go go. I on the other hand am much more laid back and any time we've had competing desires I've always given up mine to help her pursue hers. Furthermore, our personalities have shifted dramatically throughout our twenties. She was much more quiet and happy to spend a night at home watching a movie, and I was a bit more out-going, while still happy to bum around the house watching movies and stuff. Now, a decade later, I'm still very happy to be at home and relaxing (I'm an introvert), but she gets jittery when she hasn't been to the gym in two to three days. She's in grad school currently and will run out to 'girls nights' and things like that, leaving me at home. TL;DR, I don't think our personalities are very well matched for having out the rest of our lives together like that with kids, if I want to have my business and success.

 

Now the other woman. I game. I enjoy it. However, about 6 months ago I met a woman online who IS married as well, but she has a kid with another one on the way. She's miserable in her marriage. Her husband treats her like she's literally there for breeding and housework/cooking. He does nothing to raise the kids or help her out (she's had a very rough pregnancy so far), doesn't cook or clean, doesn't take care of their current kid, etc. Her and I hit it off. I mean, just out of the ****ing park hit it off. We share tons of similarities. I find her amazingly attractive and intelligent, etc. Before someone yells out "Oh it's just lust!" it's not. I've been through the whole 'in lust' thing before while my wife and I were dating and I turned my back on it and that **** faded fast. When this woman became pregnant I tried to put some distance between us. I didn't call/text as regularly, I didn't express my feelings... I kept a distance there and it just didn't last. I'm not scared of the fact that she has kids either. She's a wonderful stay at home mother to her child. Absolutely wonderful. Her kid is her world and her and I have a ton of things in common, unlike my wife and I. However, since she got pregnant a few months ago she's trying (and failing) to work things out with her husband

 

I'm stuck, truth be told. My wife and I keep working on things and they keep falling apart, and I'm not hinging leaving my wife on this woman, but I really don't know what to do with it all. If my wife and I can't work it out, do I ask this woman to consider leaving her husband for me? Do I stay quiet despite her misery? Should I focus on just my wife and I again when I'm tired of running a marathon with her competing against me?

 

Thanks for any advice all.

[jellybean89]

You know all these things about her H how? Because she said so? The same woman who laid down and got pregnant AGAIN by her mean old husband? Her "job" at home is to cook and clean and raise the kid, while her H works outside the home in order for her to be able to stay home...did you not realize that? When she became a parent, and one who stays home, she chose to be the homemaker, cook, cleaner, etc. Most couples work this stuff out when deciding to have kids - do you put the child in daycare or does one quit their job in order to raise their kids.

 

Sounds like you are finding any reason at all to end your marriage - and that's cool. End it so your wife can find a man who doesn't cheat, who wants the same things she does and is faithful and trustworthy.

 

Your online world with the OW is just that - an online world..fantasy. She can be whoever you want her to be and the same with you. You both are commiserating over these horrible marriages you are in - her with the mean husband and you with the wife who.... not quiet sure what it is your wife is doing that you have issue with...going to the gym, girls night, etc.

 

Most people do a lot of growing up in their 20's. Seems like you aren't quite there yet, since you were "in lust" while dating your wife and now are in something with this OW.

 

If you and this OW are so in love, take the steps necessary to be together. Separate from your spouses, be prepared to be an instant stepdad to her kids and sail off into the sunset together. Don't drag your spouses through any more crap. Tell your wife you found someone new - tell her what you have been doing. It will help her to realize that it wasn't her that has been causing your attitude of late -- it is because you are more focused on spending time with this OW. You cannot focus on your wife and marriage while "in love" with someone else. Doesn't work.

 

So let your wife in on what's going on and let her out of the marriage so she can find someone who won't cheat on her, won't complain that she goes to the gym or that she wants a family. I find it hypocritical that you are very open to be a step father, but don't want to start a family with your wife. That speaks volumes.

[2sunny]

I agree - you only know what she tells you.

 

And your wife deserves to know about your OW - so she can make a decision about your lack of integrity.

 

And is it possible the baby your OW is carrying is yours?

 

 

Rewriting your marital history is expected since you're now interested in someone else.

 

Be fair to your wife and let her know what you've been doing - and so that she doesn't bring a baby into such a precarious marriage.

[SnackPack]

Thank you both for your candidness, but you've both made a handful of assumptions on things-

 

1. I've never physically cheated on my wife. As stated I had lustful feelings towards another at one point when her and I were dating that I quickly shut down.

 

2. There's no way that kid could be mine as once again, there's never been a physical affair.

 

3. I say physical affair because there is emotional affairs.

 

4. My wife's attitude of running around and constantly doing anything other than spending time with me (and yes, I'm the one who was pushing date nights, and on Sunday nights I'd push for her and I to cook together and things like that so that her and I could keep things alive and moving). She instead opts to run around and do a dozen different things that keeps her from spending time with me.

 

5. No, the OW hasn't told me about this stuff. Mutual friends of ours have shared this information with me about him.

 

6. I'm not against kids. I think that's what the impression has been given here. I'm worried that in my wife's pursuit to get everything she wants that I'll be left raising the kids by myself while she's out working and having fun and things like that. Kids aren't a necessity for me, as they are for her, but she's not willing to give up the things she loves to have them. And as an example to this attitude- I've given up two dream jobs in order to help her pursue her interests because there was no way our relationship would have survived otherwise.

[anika99]

So your complaints about your wife are that she wants to have kids, she's outgoing, has a good paying job that she has been consistent with, likes going to the gym and seeing her gf's. You think you will be much happier with the OW, who stays at home, playing video games, complaining about her spouse and cheating while her husband works to support her and the kids. Yes she sounds like a much better catch then your hardworking outgoing wife. You should ask for a divorce immediately.

[Blunana81]

you know what...I think you should do whatever you think is best for you. Forget the snarky posts you've already received. Life is too short to waste with somebody you're not in love with. There is a huge difference in loving somebody and being in love with somebody. You can LOVE anybody....but you can't just BE in LOVE with anybody. I hope that makes sense. If your heart and your mind agree that divorcing your wife is the best thing, then do it...but don't do it in the hopes that the other woman will do the same. People are fickle, and they will change their mind a million times...be prepared for that. If you leave...make sure you're leaving for YOU...not for the other woman.

Edited September 4, 2014 by Blunana81

[bathtub-row]

This other woman aside, I think your marriage is shot. I think your wife is just as unhappy as you are and she's doing her best to avoid you and the situation in general. I think you should exit the marriage before kids become a real life issue, and then figure out what you want to do from there.

[goodyblue]

I love it when people say "How do you KNOW what her husband is like". They assume people are just liars always. They just don't want to hear that perhaps two people married and were not a match.

 

My boyfriend talked about how horrible his ex was, and he stayed to protect their children, knowing full well that if he left she'd get custody at least part of the time. He pretty much raised the kids, not her, etc. and when his children were raised, he left. He did the best he could at the time.

 

But, what the other poster said is true, if you leave, leave for YOU. Don't leave for someone else. I was involved in an affair with my boyfriend and it was really not fun. And truth be told, if he had decided to stay married it would have killed me. Don't put yourself in that position. Leave because you are unhappy. Get an apartment, be single, even if you don't date, and if you want to stay in contact with this woman that is okay too. But don't move from one relationship to the next. You have to make sure that you are doing the right thing for you and not using her as a safety net.

 

Hang in there and keep your chin up.

[SnackPack]

The last three that have posted, Blunana, Bathtub, and goodyblue, thank you for your posts and not assuming things one way or the other past how they were presented. I suppose I should have added clarity that there was never a physical affair, but that aside, yeah.. it feels like my wife does everything she can to avoid spending quality time together with me. She works four days in a row where I don't see her and then when she has time off, she already has things scheduled with friends. It's mind-boggling.

[HermioneG]

I think, to the poster above's point about people lying, when someone is engaging in deceitful behavior, which an affair is, it predisposes a person to question, or should, the veracity of their words.

 

It's hard to believe someone is honest with you, while you are watching them lie to someone else.

 

To the OP- if you are not a match for your wife, then without consideration of the OW- you should end your marriage.

[Blunana81]

Perhaps it's not just her "friends" she's out with? Are they all single? Have you ever considered she may also have somebody on the side. Just saying...

[goodyblue]

Hm. My boyfriend never lied to me. He never lied to his ex either. He just didn't tell her, and she certainly never noticed a single difference in their relationship because what he said was true.

 

So, just my situation.

[2sunny]

Hm. My boyfriend never lied to me. He never lied to his ex either. He just didn't tell her, and she certainly never noticed a single difference in their relationship because what he said was true.

 

So, just my situation.

 

Lying by omission is still classified as a lie.

 

Just a sneakier way to lie...

 

 

 

IF you really don't love your W, OP - then end your marriage if you think you're not a good match.

[DKT3]

If you want out, then get out. Just make sure its not for this other woman. Give your wife a chance to find the life she wants.

 

Also despite what some are saying there is a really good chance the other woman is overstating how bad her marriage is. I think if all BH could get together and write a guide on wayward wives this would be the most common issue, re-writing the history of the marriage. You see woman have an inherit need to be good, cheating is horrible unless of course its not her fault.

 

Just be prepared, walking away and ripping her children from their father is easier when talking to you about it then it will be to actually do. Odds are she will drag this out.

[SoftViolin]

So it sounds like you married young, and gone through transformation as you say in your 20s, and are realizing that perhaps you, your views on life, and life goals have changed enough that you and your wife might no longer be compatible. And if that's true, it happens, and more often than people care to admit. In that case it's up to you to decide if you continue with your therapist and try to revive your marriage, or decide that you both deserve someone more compatible than what you can offer to each other.

 

But I will echo some of the other posters. You need to make that decision - stay or go - yourself, and based on the health of your marriage alone. Not based on the fact that you might have this other woman waiting for you. Surely it makes it easier to have the option 'waiting' for you, but then you would be leaving your wife for the OW, and not because of your incompatibility as you tell yourself. And your wife deserves your honesty - after all you married and loved her once. She deserves to hear you say that you are unhappy, and you are considering ending this marriage, and if nothing changes after that, perhaps actually leaving, if you so choose.

 

Here is another point though. You can't and shouldn't ask the OW to "consider leaving her husband" for you, because - much like in your case - this is HER decision, and it's hers alone. Hers is a much more confusing and difficult situation from what you say. She has a child, and another one on the way, and if her marriage is as really as bad as what you've heard, she must be confused, and scared, and vulnerable. She has these feelings for you, and at the same time responsibility for her children. I feel like you offering yourself as a partner in this situation is unfair to her. You can't really promise her anything at this point - you know first hand that you may love somebody with all your heart, marry them, and then realize it was a mistake. Let her make her own decision. And you make yours - stay or go, and if you go, then let her know that you have feelings for her, but you would also respect any decision she makes.

 

And finally, I know this might not be what you are hoping to hear, but it's highly unlikely she will decide to abandon her family and stability in pursuit of the unknown, however exciting. I am sure though that whichever way this works out for you, there is still plenty of exciting things ahead for you - whether it's with this woman or with your wife, or with someone else, OP.

[SnackPack]

Perhaps it's not just her "friends" she's out with? Are they all single? Have you ever considered she may also have somebody on the side. Just saying...

 

You know, that's the frustrating part. Not that she's not, because she's not, but because it's like she just never questions it. She's constantly just 'content'. I have no idea how she never questions it when we're not spending any time together... I feel like a lady-in-waiting for when she gets home and needs me and my services, and it's frustrating.

 

To the rest of you who keep saying "Do it for yourself", thank you. You're absolutely right and I need to focus on that. It's easy to develop tunnel vision when you're seeing the grass being greener elsewhere. I know, in no small way, that the grass may not be greener at all, and that it'll come with a whole knew set of problems, but it's so easy to look past that when you're focused on just one part of it.

 

Yes, we did marry young and yeah, I sometimes think that those transformations have made us into people who aren't compatible any longer, but with such a history... it's hard to distinguish if it's that, or something more.

[Poppy47]

I also think it's odd that your wife is jittery and running around all the time. It could be a sign that she is having a relationship outside your marriage. I'm no saying she IS, just considering what you wrote.

 

It sounds like you need to set each other free to find new lives.

 

YOu need to step away from your online affair and be mindful of what is happening for you and your wife right now.

 

Sort out this set of problems before you get into another relationship.... find out who YOU are as a single person. That way, you will have a better idea of what you are looking for in your next relationship.

 

Poppy

[Nathaniel Hawk]

So it sounds like you married young, and gone through transformation as you say in your 20s, and are realizing that perhaps you, your views on life, and life goals have changed enough that you and your wife might no longer be compatible. And if that's true, it happens, and more often than people care to admit. In that case it's up to you to decide if you continue with your therapist and try to revive your marriage, or decide that you both deserve someone more compatible than what you can offer to each other.

 

But I will echo some of the other posters. You need to make that decision - stay or go - yourself, and based on the health of your marriage alone. Not based on the fact that you might have this other woman waiting for you. Surely it makes it easier to have the option 'waiting' for you, but then you would be leaving your wife for the OW, and not because of your incompatibility as you tell yourself. And your wife deserves your honesty - after all you married and loved her once. She deserves to hear you say that you are unhappy, and you are considering ending this marriage, and if nothing changes after that, perhaps actually leaving, if you so choose.

 

Here is another point though. You can't and shouldn't ask the OW to "consider leaving her husband" for you, because - much like in your case - this is HER decision, and it's hers alone. Hers is a much more confusing and difficult situation from what you say. She has a child, and another one on the way, and if her marriage is as really as bad as what you've heard, she must be confused, and scared, and vulnerable. She has these feelings for you, and at the same time responsibility for her children. I feel like you offering yourself as a partner in this situation is unfair to her. You can't really promise her anything at this point - you know first hand that you may love somebody with all your heart, marry them, and then realize it was a mistake. Let her make her own decision. And you make yours - stay or go, and if you go, then let her know that you have feelings for her, but you would also respect any decision she makes.

 

And finally, I know this might not be what you are hoping to hear, but it's highly unlikely she will decide to abandon her family and stability in pursuit of the unknown, however exciting. I am sure though that whichever way this works out for you, there is still plenty of exciting things ahead for you - whether it's with this woman or with your wife, or with someone else, OP.

 

Wisdom speaking right here.

[A.Moscote]

Tackle the issues one by one SnackPack, take a generous time to think, and don't rush on any regrettable decision. Back off from the affair, other than the easy ecstasy, it won't get you anywhere, especially now when nothing has been decided yet.

 

Right now the most important thing is to let your wife beconsciously aware of how critical the situation is, that you are on the verge of leaving the marriage. Convey it to her properly, and gently since tension would just ruins understanding, of how much changes and efforts are needed from both sides to make it work again. Assess and consider her commitment and willingness, to act and to sacrifice, into your decision (of course you should be mutual to hers as well). That is what I think is the first hurdle.

 

Again I advice you to hold off the relationship with the MW for a while. Step out of the excitement and joy provided by the affair so that you won't be impatient and bias. Tell the MW politely that it is time for you to decide on your marriage. She will understand it if she is a good and respectable woman.

 

There is always the right way to reach your every desire, be careful not to take the affair further, now or later. Also prepare yourself for the worst, as hinted by others, your wife is as unhappy as you.

 

Be brave, and truthful SnackPack, you can be happy in whatever path you choose. Glad that you came here for help, good luck.

[gettingstronger]

I agree with the others-although intertwined, these are different issues-your marriage and your affair-I would make a decision on your marriage first, work on it or take the steps to end it-only then can you address what comes next-

 

Leaving your marriage has to be about your marriage and nothing else as the OW may or may not be part of your future-

 

Your wifes behaviors could also be a sign or depression believe it or not- the constant running is sometimes a cover for a very depressed person-

 

Good luck and be honest and truthful in your actions-

[trailrunner1975]

From a man's view- fix things at home or split. I personally thing you would be crazy to leave your wife for gamer girl. It would be like trading in a BMW 5 series for a Yugo with a brown door. My two cents.........

[SnackPack]

Thanks for the advice all. You're entirely right, I need to focus on figuring out what efforts I want to put in with my current relationship and stop focusing on the OW. Anyone have any advice for how to push her out of my mind? Techniques you may have used to refocus those energies?

[goodyblue]

As an obsessive person, not a dang thing! Lol. Hang in there.

[SnackPack]

As an obsessive person, not a dang thing! Lol. Hang in there.

 

You know though, that's the problem. She's like a drug I can't get away from because talking with her just gives me these massive highs, but it also gives me big lows because she's been fighting with wild hormones and what nots and puts distance between us.

 

...maybe I'll try hard drug use...

[DKT3]

Your wife is taking to for granted, but the MOW isn't the answer.

 

I think the question is would you rather have this attention and focus you get from MOW to come from your wife. If the anwser is yes, then its time to communicate your needs making sure she understands how dire the situation is. If she can't meet you half way or the answer is no then maybe its time to move on apart.