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Hope Shimmers

Never in a million years did I think I would be posting this.

 

I came home yesterday afternoon and there was a note on my door. From ex-MM. Saying he was in town for the weekend, something work-related apparently (he lives on the other side of the country). He wanted to know if he could see me.

 

I was so upset at the thought that he might come to the door again today that I actually stayed in a hotel last night and just got home about an hour ago. No more notes on the door, but he called my phone and left a message saying that he would like to get together.

 

I have no idea why, what he wants to do/say, or even if he is alone this weekend or has his wife with him. I feel like an idiot but I can't - just cannot - see him. Not for any reason. I haven't spent any time with him since the week we spent together several years ago when we conceived our daughter. I CAN'T see him. What does he want?!?!?

 

Tonight I am going to bed early and shut out all the lights and not answer the door. Hoping he won't come to the house again.

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First thank you.

 

What does he want? I think you know the anwser. Should it matter? Your almost out of the basket don't let the crab pull you back down.

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I think you have a solid plan HS.

 

Why would he want to see you? Ummm, because he's selfish and wants sex - all at your expense.

 

You're wise to avoid him. Or even better yet - call him back and let him know if he comes anywhere near you or your house you will call the authorities to take him away.

 

Stay strong.

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If you want nothing to do with him, ignoring him is definitely the best thing. I won't be like the others and assume his intentions are bad if you don't know what's going on in his life, however, YOU know what's best for you, regardless of his intentions.

 

And (((Hope))) sending you some support. I hate hearing the reaction that he is causing in you. :( It sounds like a horrid feeling. Much peace to you!

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Hope, I am so sorry. I can totally understand you feeling petrified. I dread any communication from xMM, even if via facebook only, let alone if he ever came (physically) near me.

 

I have read some of your amazing advice here, but I don't know much of your back story with him. He obviously must have had feelings for you and, since he was in town, he must have thought of you and saw that as an opportunity to see you - I don't think he would have suggested that if his wife was with him. Most likely he's lonely, or some of the feelings you shared came to surface, or maybe he is trying to sleep with you, or maybe he just thought it would be nice to see you. Who knows. I know nothing about your story, so I'm sure when the dust settles you'll figure out which one it is.

 

Anyway, this is obviously not as difficult for him as it is for you. Classic. So selfish. They never realise. They don't have a clue what it's like for us. The emotional trauma. I say: keep away from him. Ignore him. And by the way, you are a really strong woman. You stick by your truth no matter what and I think you're amazing. Just keep your cool. You'll be fine! :) keep us posted.

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Hope Shimmers

DKT and beach, I totally understand why anyone would think he wants sex and I would think that too, but he became a religious fanatic after we broke up and he would never have sex with another woman while married (not now). Yes it is beyond ironic. He said too in both his note and voice mail to remind me of that and he only wanted to talk and say "hi". He also knows there would be zero chance of that with me!!!

 

Thanks. I was very freaked out after coming home last night but have a better grip on it now. There is NOTHING to say. I've gone over all the scenarios in my head of what he could possibly say to me and nothing would make one bit of difference or matter in any way. I don't think he will come to the house anymore - that is what really upset me; it felt like an invasion. I'm not calling him to tell him to leave me alone or for any other reason.

 

COOkie and bentley and muddy - thank you. I hate still feeling this way and just want to be left alone by him at this point.

 

CarrieT - my pregnancy was a long time ago (several years). I lost my daughter at 22 weeks, and yes he knows.

 

beach - his wife would not care. I've done that kind of thing before and all she cares about is that he is with her.

 

Another couple of hours and I can go to bed!

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HS, you are one of the strongest women I have ever seen in this situation. I wish you luck and support in whatever you decide to do, but if I were in your shoes and situation, I would not see him for fear of going backwards.

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Don't think because he's a religious fanatic that he wouldn't make that attempt.

 

I'm glad you are standing firm and feel you have nothing to discuss. I doubt he would be only looking to talk as he is human and everyone gets the urge to have sex at one point or another.

 

Giving him your power isn't ever wise so I think it's beneficial to you to be/stay strong now. If necessary (if he comes to the door) don't open it. Call the police and tell them an uninvited man is at your door. Let them send him your clear message that he's not welcome at your home.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your pregnancy. That's got to be painful. I hope you heal. Healing may happen more readily if you can remove him - that guy who is the reminder. Being forceful with the message may become necessary.

 

I hope you can rest well.

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HS, I'm sorry for your pregnancy and think you are doing the right thing.

 

However, I seriously doubt this will be the last time he will try to contact you. Might it be worth it to file a restraining order?

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...he became a religious fanatic after we broke up and he would never have sex with another woman while married (not now). Yes it is beyond ironic. He said too in both his note and voice mail to remind me of that and he only wanted to talk and say "hi".

So-called reformed or born-again or whatever "religious fanatics" can become just freaks and weirdos, and think-believe that whatever they will, want or whim is "according to 'god'/god's will", in some crazy, distorted way. Not unlike a 'jesus complex' that manifests as narcissistic behaviour like this.

 

That this guy would need you (or anyone) to remind him of his supposed "religious-ness" or "religious faith" or commitment or whatever the heck he has going on in his tiny little brain about that, suggests that there is likely not much more that he will do.

 

I'm sorry that you were put through this on account of his own distorted, over-blown impression of himself.

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Do you believe him - that he's in town now for business? It's a HOLIDAY weekend. Most companies wouldn't choose this weekend as ideal for work travel.

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still_an_Angel

The cheek! He's been trying to get to you for months now! Be strong and stay silent, I'm not one to think of other people's hidden agenda in a negative way so he just might be wanting to see you for his own closure, or maybe he is curious to know how you're holding up.

 

I know this may be not the right time to bring this up, but maybe, since he wants to see you/ talk to you, it might be good to bring up the money he owes you and what are his plans about that?? (hopefully, that shuts him up)

 

Stay strong Hope

((hugs)) from Angel

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Unless he's dropping off a cashiers check for the money he owes you - no reason to see him. Even IF he had one - he can drop it in your mailbox.

 

A man of God - integrity - honor - would be a man that pays you back. So don't think he's living according to principles unless he pays his debt to you.

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Hope Shimmers
HS, you are one of the strongest women I have ever seen in this situation. I wish you luck and support in whatever you decide to do, but if I were in your shoes and situation, I would not see him for fear of going backwards.

 

Thanks Popsicle. I won't go backwards though.

 

Don't think because he's a religious fanatic that he wouldn't make that attempt.

 

I'm glad you are standing firm and feel you have nothing to discuss. I doubt he would be only looking to talk as he is human and everyone gets the urge to have sex at one point or another.

 

Giving him your power isn't ever wise so I think it's beneficial to you to be/stay strong now. If necessary (if he comes to the door) don't open it. Call the police and tell them an uninvited man is at your door. Let them send him your clear message that he's not welcome at your home.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your pregnancy. That's got to be painful. I hope you heal. Healing may happen more readily if you can remove him - that guy who is the reminder. Being forceful with the message may become necessary.

 

I hope you can rest well.

 

Thank you 2sunny. I don't disagree with you. We have been NC (my decision) for many months now. He wanted to remain friends.

 

It's been years and I feel like I have healed, but I am sick of the intrusion.

 

HS, I'm sorry for your pregnancy and think you are doing the right thing.

 

However, I seriously doubt this will be the last time he will try to contact you. Might it be worth it to file a restraining order?

 

Thanks Carrie, he has tried to remain in contact periodically but has not been violent about it. He's NEVER come here (my house) so that is weird, but if it happens again I might have to think about that.

 

HS, are you in regular, LC or NC with him?

 

We have been in NC for many months now. We tried to be "friends" after our daughter died, but it was a disaster and I shut it down. Much better off for it.

 

So-called reformed or born-again or whatever "religious fanatics" can become just freaks and weirdos, and think-believe that whatever they will, want or whim is "according to 'god'/god's will", in some crazy, distorted way. Not unlike a 'jesus complex' that manifests as narcissistic behaviour like this.

 

That this guy would need you (or anyone) to remind him of his supposed "religious-ness" or "religious faith" or commitment or whatever the heck he has going on in his tiny little brain about that, suggests that there is likely not much more that he will do.

 

I'm sorry that you were put through this on account of his own distorted, over-blown impression of himself.

 

I could not agree with you more.

 

He had been this particular religion in the past but gave it up several years before I met him (basically because he wanted to do things that the religion did not allow). He didn't tell me about it until several years after we met. To me this is complete laughable irony. Religion is not something you apply to your life when it works best for you.

 

He has in fact said that he does want sex with me but that he cannot do it because of his devotion to the religion. The religion is one that takes the word of the Bible very literally.

 

I think the whole thing is a bunch of ****. I also think it is all about compartmentalization because if the religion was so important he would not be contacting me AT ALL since it's not what his wife wants.

 

Do you believe him - that he's in town now for business? It's a HOLIDAY weekend. Most companies wouldn't choose this weekend as ideal for work travel.

 

I didn't think of that. I don't know.

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Thanks Popsicle. I won't go backwards though.

 

 

 

We have been in NC for many months now. We tried to be "friends" after our daughter died, but it was a disaster and I shut it down. Much better off for it.

 

I hear you girl.

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Hope,

 

Sadly, I believe he figured you didn't really mean NC, it wasn't that long ago he sent you a gift. He may feel as if you are just waiting with baited breath for a reunion with him...he's the idiot.

 

I think your reaction shows that you no longer want him in your life in any way..and if there is a silver lining, this intrusion has shown you that you are DONE and he can't use you for an ego stroke anymore. I'm actually glad to read of your reaction, not that I want you or anyone else to ever feel violated.

 

I hope you can relax and enjoy the rest if your holiday weekend. I'm sorry that his presence has disrupted your peace.

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whichwayisup
Never in a million years did I think I would be posting this.

 

I came home yesterday afternoon and there was a note on my door. From ex-MM. Saying he was in town for the weekend, something work-related apparently (he lives on the other side of the country). He wanted to know if he could see me.

 

I was so upset at the thought that he might come to the door again today that I actually stayed in a hotel last night and just got home about an hour ago. No more notes on the door, but he called my phone and left a message saying that he would like to get together.

 

I have no idea why, what he wants to do/say, or even if he is alone this weekend or has his wife with him. I feel like an idiot but I can't - just cannot - see him. Not for any reason. I haven't spent any time with him since the week we spent together several years ago when we conceived our daughter. I CAN'T see him. What does he want?!?!?

 

Tonight I am going to bed early and shut out all the lights and not answer the door. Hoping he won't come to the house again.

 

He has no respect for you. To just show up at your house is ballsy of him. Was he hoping for something to 'happen' again? WTF.

 

You have handled this well. Just do what you're doing now, ignoring him and knowing you're doing the right thing for yourself. Don't even try to figure out what he wants. It really doesn't matter as nothing has changed.

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After a few minutes to think about this... He's totally disrespected you on purpose!

 

He's called in the past few weeks and he knows fully well that you have no intention of speaking to him.

 

Then he shows up????

 

That is calculated and completely disrespectful to you! I'd be flaming mad at him.

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MuddyFootprints

He is not worthy of flaming mad. The man is, at best, pathetic.

 

Bubble bath, music, and a peaceful sleep, Hope.

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YOu don't know what he wants? ?????? Of course you do. If you have truly moved on, you will be able to ignore any attempt he makes to see you or contact you.

 

Is there a reason you haven't blocked his number or changed yours?

 

Don't engage with him in any way. Silence is the best communicator. Simple.

 

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. It must have been terribly traumatic and heartbreaking for you.

 

Best wishes,

Poppy

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BrokenPrincess

Aren't you in the US? Who has business over Labor Day weekend...isn't that against the whole point of this holiday??

 

What he wants is to just take advantage of the opportunity to see you...why not! Selfish a****, it doesn't send them into a tailspin like it does to us. I believe you that his intention is not to have sex. He probably just feels like he's here, right near you, why not get together?

 

Ugh. I would take a sleeping pill & hide my phone under the bed. Stay strong tonight, good luck and try to enjoy the rest of the weekend.

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