AutumnMoon Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 The push pull, or hot and cold behaviour. I just want to know if this happens to anyone else. My married man and me (I am married too) have tried hard to keep out feelings in check. We have went down the emotional path and it ended with texting and meeting constantly and our heads were always filled with thoughts and our spouses knew something was up, we also wouldn't want sex at home when we talked and were together so often. So now we try to keep things more low key. Problem is I am able to be consistent and he's not. He will blow hot, talk to me constantly for a few days then nothing for a week. We will meet several times one month at his request then nothing not even flirting for another two weeks or more! When he comes back it's always stronger than the last time but I hate the silence In between and honestly I would rather it be more spread out then hot like crazy and then completely cold while he sorts out his feelings. I understand the reasoning behind it. I know his wife and she tells me he's uninterested in sex at home or that he's angry at her all the time .. That will happen after we have been talking or have been together.. She will start pointing that out to me (me and him don't discuss what our spouses say) and almost immediately he will go quiet for a couple weeks. I'm talking quiet. Like the weeks we talk we talk about everything, jokes work family life not just sex.. The week he goes cold will be virtually nothing. Unless we see each other in person and he's grinning ear to ear and talking my ear off but we not alone during this and he won't text me after or acknowledge our real relationship. He says this keeps him from going insane. I accept it. But I'd like to understand it. He will also go quiet if my husband complains to him about me. He always comes back in his own I do not initiate much because I'm tired of not knowing which it's going to be. Any thoughts on this behaviour? Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Maybe the hot and cold stems from the fact that he's feeling guilty about cheating on his wife. Maybe he feels as if he has dug a hole so deep, (considering the fact you know his wife and he knows your husband) he does not know how to manage his feelings. You have an advantage that most OW do not have, you know his wife. You talk with his wife as if you are her friend and in reality, you're intimate with her husband. Any guilt there? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 It sounds like he is using that feedback from both his wife and your husband to judge when he's over-investing in the affair, and under-investing in his marriage. So...when he gets that feedback, he stops investing in the affair. He hasn't found the 'happy medium' that you have of balance between the two, and he's using that feedback as his gauge. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Agree with both of the above posters. Autumn, it seems like you know the answer to your own questions. He blows hot and cold because he feels guilty about what he is doing. That doesn't mean he will stop-but he does know that he is doing wrong. Like you kind of mention, he treats his wife the same way. He blows hot and cold and push and pulls with her. It is very common in affairs and dare I say, more common for men to do this than women. Like you say, you have a pretty good handle on your emotions and don't play those games. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 Maybe the hot and cold stems from the fact that he's feeling guilty about cheating on his wife. Maybe he feels as if he has dug a hole so deep, (considering the fact you know his wife and he knows your husband) he does not know how to manage his feelings. You have an advantage that most OW do not have, you know his wife. You talk with his wife as if you are her friend and in reality, you're intimate with her husband. Any guilt there? I absolutely see this as a big possibility. He has only spoke of feeling guilty once and then since then says he doesn't but I'm sure he must. We all suppress things :/ Yes I have guilty feelings, but I try hard not to socialize with his wife much and avoid those situations when I can, she has a lot of mutual friends as me and also tries hard to get close to me. She volunteers a lot of information. He went quiet this time after she pointed out they hadn't had sex in over a month and me and him actually had several times just the last couple weeks. Yes of course I feel guilt but not enough to want to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 It sounds like he is using that feedback from both his wife and your husband to judge when he's over-investing in the affair, and under-investing in his marriage. So...when he gets that feedback, he stops investing in the affair. He hasn't found the 'happy medium' that you have of balance between the two, and he's using that feedback as his gauge. Yes seems likely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 If you knew him, I doubt you would think he was feeling very guilty. If he does he hides it very well and is more prone to risky behaviour to see me than I am.. He just isn't consistent and it keeps changing. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I absolutely see this as a big possibility. He has only spoke of feeling guilty once and then since then says he doesn't but I'm sure he must. We all suppress things :/ Yes I have guilty feelings, but I try hard not to socialize with his wife much and avoid those situations when I can, she has a lot of mutual friends as me and also tries hard to get close to me. She volunteers a lot of information. He went quiet this time after she pointed out they hadn't had sex in over a month and me and him actually had several times just the last couple weeks. Yes of course I feel guilt but not enough to want to stop. Understandable. And since there's no guilt, why continue with your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Maybe you could tell his wife and your husband so that he wouldn't have to go back and forth trying to hide it and please her. Everyone would be on the same page and no more guilt about hiding things. Its hard to try to meet the needs of two women when they both don't understand what is going on. This could really help him out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 Understandable. And since there's no guilt, why continue with your marriage? Understandable. And since there's no guilt, why continue with your marriage? I thought you were asking if I felt guilty where his wife was concerned. I do but I do know he's likely to have ended the marriage a year ago if me and him hadn't continued. I lie to myself and justify it with reasons like that. My husband. I feel guilty at times about cheating on him too but he's away a lot. A very large amount of time. So again I justify in my mind why I'm doing it. Guilt keeps me from divorcing too because I don't want to do that to our kids or our mutual friends or family or our marriage and what we built. I do know the affair is wrong. I am not immune to guilt. And I know that I'm doing this to then too and sometimes the damage is visible some times it's not, but if nobody knows it hurts a lot less than divorce would. I get that doesn't make sense to everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 Maybe you could tell his wife and your husband so that he wouldn't have to go back and forth trying to hide it and please her. Everyone would be on the same page and no more guilt about hiding things. Its hard to try to meet the needs of two women when they both don't understand what is going on. This could really help him out. Oh ya sounds like a fail proof plan. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 It's probably because he is manipulative. Blowing hot and cold is manipulative behavior. He gets something out of the game he plays with both you and his wife. When manipulating her with this kind of childish stuff wasn't enough he found a second woman to manipulate. He's got it made and enjoys it. I don't see any signs of guilt, just a man that enjoys manipulation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 What about his family? I know you stated you would feel guilty about your family but what about his? His wife feels close to you, close enough to share intimate details about her marriage so why hurt her? Even if their marriage should have been over a year ago, you are maintaining a relationship with her. Stop! It sounds like you are enjoying hearing those details and in reality, this woman is hurting, trying to figure out her husband and why the intimacy has stopped in her marriage. Yes she needs to figure it out and hopefully she will. Right now, no one knows about the affair but eventually the truth will come out, it is only a matter of time. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 It's probably because he is manipulative. Blowing hot and cold is manipulative behavior. He gets something out of the game he plays with both you and his wife. When manipulating her with this kind of childish stuff wasn't enough he found a second woman to manipulate. He's got it made and enjoys it. I don't see any signs of guilt, just a man that enjoys manipulation. Yep, the push pull keeps you on the hook. Keeps him interesting to you. I don't understand this at all, op this is totally selfish on your part. You say its less painful to make a fool of your husband by banging his good friend then it would be to divorce him? For who? And if you have no plans to divorce how do you see this whole situation ending? The clock is ticking, at some point you two will get caught. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 The push pull, or hot and cold behaviour. I just want to know if this happens to anyone else. My married man and me (I am married too) have tried hard to keep out feelings in check. We have went down the emotional path and it ended with texting and meeting constantly and our heads were always filled with thoughts and our spouses knew something was up, we also wouldn't want sex at home when we talked and were together so often. So now we try to keep things more low key. Problem is I am able to be consistent and he's not. He will blow hot, talk to me constantly for a few days then nothing for a week. We will meet several times one month at his request then nothing not even flirting for another two weeks or more! When he comes back it's always stronger than the last time but I hate the silence In between and honestly I would rather it be more spread out then hot like crazy and then completely cold while he sorts out his feelings. I understand the reasoning behind it. I know his wife and she tells me he's uninterested in sex at home or that he's angry at her all the time .. That will happen after we have been talking or have been together.. She will start pointing that out to me (me and him don't discuss what our spouses say) and almost immediately he will go quiet for a couple weeks. I'm talking quiet. Like the weeks we talk we talk about everything, jokes work family life not just sex.. The week he goes cold will be virtually nothing. Unless we see each other in person and he's grinning ear to ear and talking my ear off but we not alone during this and he won't text me after or acknowledge our real relationship. He says this keeps him from going insane. I accept it. But I'd like to understand it. He will also go quiet if my husband complains to him about me. He always comes back in his own I do not initiate much because I'm tired of not knowing which it's going to be. Any thoughts on this behaviour? Regarding the bolded....how can you say you don't discuss what your spouses say and then make excuses for his going quiet (the underlined)? So you DO discuss what the spouses say, correct? I mean, he knows you know when he isn't putting out at home; and visa versa. The question continues to be why do you do this? Why do you stay with a man who you so easily cheat on? Why do you play this game with the MM of emotional ties? You want to know why he goes hot and cold? because he can. He can pick you up and drop you at a whim and yet you still welcome him back with open arms, etc. I know you have made up reasons for why you stay involved in the affair (your husband works out of town a lot, you 'think' he must be cheating too, etc). I think it is so unhealthy for your children to be living in such an unhealthy environment. How can you do it day after day after day? Doesn't it get exhausting all the lies and sneaking around? Wondering when he will call you/text you/want to meet up...being around his wife knowing full well she considers you a friend and takes you into her confidence? Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 (edited) The clock is ticking, at some point you two will get caught. Just a hunch- the wife already knows and its part of the sex life between she and her husband- women just don't push their husbands on other women like that without a reason- all of "he is so happy when he is around you" and the "we never have sex" so plays in to the ego of the OP and keeps her hooked in to what is starting to sound like a very sick game- the OP is the perfect pawn for this type of thing- externally motivated lonely woman with a husband that travels-jack pot! Edited August 23, 2014 by gettingstronger 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NovemberSweetness Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 I, too, have the same experience with my OM. We'll go several days of texting about this and that, and lots of times it gets sexual then we'll have an amazing night together. The days following will be pretty quite and it always makes me wonder what he's thinking. I don't know that he's going through guilt though (he's also friends with my H). I think in his mind he justifies it because it's my choice to do this. I think it may be more that he gets what he wants from me as I do with him and then needs a break after. This is hard for me and like you Autumn, I would rather have the constant contact with him then the intermittent contact. Have you told him how you felt about this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 I think it's the guilt my ex mm was the same ESP after we'd seen each other Link to post Share on other sites
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