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Hi all. I am new here so bare with me. My story is as follows: my husband of 11 years and i met a couple 3 years ago who we clicked with right away. Our kids get along like brother and sisters and we are with each other very often, especially I'm the summer months. The husband and I have had a very intense connection from the beginning...

 

something I cannot explain, and we finally discussed it a few months ago as i felt it was starting to become an obvious and needed to be brought up. At the time it was agreed that there is an insane connection and if there were no kids or spouses involved it would be an incredible thing. Since then there has been more flirting and more intensity with our relationship like intense eye contact and little things like he will play footsies with me if under the table if we are all eating dinner together , etc,.

 

We do not communicate on our own, like no texting or phone calls. Everything is happening in front of our spouses as it is always just the 4 of us. A couple weekends ago here was an episode without going into too much detail but we stayed over their house and late night my H and his W went to bed and it was just the 2 of us alone which rarely happens. We had been drinking quite a bit and the amount of sexual tension was insane that it took everything on our willpower to not do anything physical. He told me if it wasn't for the kids he would make love to me right then . We talked after this and he basically told me that this is hard for him but he can't leave his wife and is afraid of losing everything he has built with her and his family. He also said that for him our connection is a physical connection and not emotional.

 

He told me he thinks about me when he is being intimate with his wife. We basically left it as we are going to be just friends as he wants me in his life because he values the friendship that we have built with our families and doesn't want to lose it. I guess I'm more emotionally attached because I'm having a hard time shutting this off. He claims he can shut it off but after the other weekend I don't believe him after some of the things he said.

 

My questions are do you think we can go on just being friends and can men really shut off the emotional connection and have it just be physical? He never wants to discuss what this is because I think he thinks if we do then it becomes real.

 

Since our families are so close there is no way we can stop seeing them. Just kinda confused as to how to continue with the friendship.

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Just read some stories here, and if you still think its a good idea to continue down this path then I don't know what else can be said.

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You CANNOT be friends when there is more carnal desires involved.

 

The best thing you can do --- and I seriously doubt you will -- is to tell your spouses what you are feeling. It will completely and 100% diffuse those feelings, IF you truly wish to remain married.

 

Bring all the feelings and emotions out into the open. Lay them bare, as it were, and they will soon disappear - or be dealt with appropriately.

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Just tell your husband what is going on. There hasn't been anything sexual yet. Why can't you be open and honest with your very life partner? There hasn't been anything done YET that cannot be dealt with if out in the open. If you say it's because your families are too intertwined I'm gonna call b.s. on this one and point out that likely you just can't deal with going cold turkey.

Do you want a divorce? If the answer is no get this out in the open right now. Save two marriages by breaking up a friendship.

What is more important to you?

 

And just as a side question, any chance the wife and your husband are doing the same thing? Kinda odd they both go to bed at the same time.. he'll who knows. If you actually communicated with your husband you might find out he would be open to a swingers night.

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You CANNOT be friends when there is more carnal desires involved.

 

The best thing you can do --- and I seriously doubt you will -- is to tell your spouses what you are feeling. It will completely and 100% diffuse those feelings, IF you truly wish to remain married.

 

Bring all the feelings and emotions out into the open. Lay them bare, as it were, and they will soon disappear - or be dealt with appropriately.

 

Oh, I believe this 100%. Affairs only grow in the dark. Its almost like that fact that its taboo is a major driver. Having that secret side of your life makes you feel special.

 

There is no crime in being attracted to someone else even when married. How you handle that attraction is what makes the difference. Many of the waywards embrace it and do everything in their power to chase that attraction, then once tangled in the web cry "oh I never meant for this" bull. You have a decision to make right here, right now. Shine the light on this, decide that you will not travel this road, or continue to chase something that will only end in pain and broken families.

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Thanks for the replies. I feel like telling my husband will just make things way more complicated as they are very close friends...he won't get it. We do communicate and have (or I thought we do) a very good marriage. I never understood why or how this stuff happens but now I get if. And as for my H and his W, I'm pretty positive theirs nothing going on there.

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Just tell your husband what is going on. There hasn't been anything sexual yet. Why can't you be open and honest with your very life partner? There hasn't been anything done YET that cannot be dealt with if out in the open. If you say it's because your families are too intertwined I'm gonna call b.s. on this one and point out that likely you just can't deal with going cold turkey.

Do you want a divorce? If the answer is no get this out in the open right now. Save two marriages by breaking up a friendship.

What is more important to you?

 

And just as a side question, any chance the wife and your husband are doing the same thing? Kinda odd they both go to bed at the same time.. he'll who knows. If you actually communicated with your husband you might find out he would be open to a swingers night.

 

The swinger thing is a bad idea here, she already feels she has a "special connection" with this guy. It would end the same as a secret affair. The only course of action is cut ties and move on.

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Also I wondering if he means it that it's just physical for him? I feel like there hasn't been anything physical and the fact that we don't have the texting relationship..it's just hard to figure it all out as to why it's happening. Can he really turn it off or is he just saying that to help me get through it?

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Thanks for the replies. I feel like telling my husband will just make things way more complicated as they are very close friends...he won't get it. We do communicate and have (or I thought we do) a very good marriage. I never understood why or how this stuff happens but now I get if. And as for my H and his W, I'm pretty positive theirs nothing going on there.

 

You won't be able to continue the friendship. Not telling is a huge mistake in my opinion. It will allow the feelings to grow to the point were you will feel your in love, at the same time create dictance in your marriage.

 

Your marriage is fine, besides bad marriages don't create affairs they create divorce, bad decisions create affairs. Your desire to be and stay close to this other guy is a bad choice no matter the excuses you come up with to justify it.

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Also I wondering if he means it that it's just physical for him? I feel like there hasn't been anything physical and the fact that we don't have the texting relationship..it's just hard to figure it all out as to why it's happening. Can he really turn it off or is he just saying that to help me get through it?

 

 

He is saying what he thinks will get you to throw your panties on the floor. But really what does it matter? Your cutting this thing off, right?

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Also I wondering if he means it that it's just physical for him? I feel like there hasn't been anything physical and the fact that we don't have the texting relationship..it's just hard to figure it all out as to why it's happening. Can he really turn it off or is he just saying that to help me get through it?

 

Gonna try...the spouses will figure it out though that's the problem. Ugh, it's a mess.

 

What's more important or painful, telling your husband that its not a good idea to remain friends because you have a school girl crush or staying friends and allowing the feeling to devolpe into something you can't easily control then ripping two families apart due to a full blown affair? This is a pretty black and white situation.

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If you didn't have a crush on him, and he flirted with you, would you still say "oh I can't get in the middle of their friendship"?

Of course not! Your loyalty is to this OM and not your husband. Your husband is being a good spouse but you are failing terribly.

You have to tell him. Show him texts whatever. Apologize profusely. This man is NOT your husband's friend. Friends don't poach each others spouses. The only reason for you not telling is to keep your ego boost around.

 

Oh and the swinging thing was a bit tongue in cheek.

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Be patient and think properly Frienddrama, of course you are going to struggle against your heart and emotions. Be safe and just take some distance from them while you are figuring this all out (what to do, what approach, how, etc..). Just stick with your husband whenever you are meeting them, avoid being alone with him (don't listen to your desire, it is not unavoidable). If your husband goes to bed, then you go with him, don't stay, it is that simple (if, again, you don't listen to your desire).

 

As in most replies here, I am also partial to the two approaches mentioned to you. It is whether you figure out on cutting off the relationship with him, or you start to open this pickle to your husband. The first meant you'll need a lot of perseverance to fight your heart and desire, alone, by yourself. The later of course meant you have to be brave to open and discuss this with your husband. Possibly arising complications though it is, I think a rational and understanding man would have appreciate such an efforts and honesty from his wife. Choose your path properly, Friendrama, avoid cheating/affair.

 

...there has been more flirting and more intensity with our relationship ...he will play footsies with me if under the table if we are all eating dinner together ...He told me if it wasn't for the kids he would make love to me right then .
...if he means it that it's just physical for him? ...we don't have the texting relationship ...Can he really turn it off or is he just saying that to help me get through it?
Don't you see what he's doing? Isn't it disrespectful? Continue being alone with him, then you'll see how easily he abandons his words about his families to make love to you (and also how quick your resolve fade). Don't worry about the texting (meh, so easy to start), or what this or that means, get you nowhere. Be aware and conscience of the bigger picture. So what if you don't satisfy what you are feeling for him, if you don't pursue this surreal connection to him? It's nothing life altering. See it here (LS), how many of us are attracted to our friend's spouses, and subsequently fall into the complication, the deceiving and double life. Is that sweet? Think again, apart from the attraction and good feelings, why is this friendship is so important to you, that you are still hesitate to end it even knowing the risk of it to your marriage? Which of the two is more important?

 

Take your time Frienddrama, be careful and mindful of what you have. Good to see you opening this thread before things go further. Take care and good luck on this trial.

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Just tell your husband what is going on. There hasn't been anything sexual yet. Why can't you be open and honest with your very life partner? There hasn't been anything done YET that cannot be dealt with if out in the open. If you say it's because your families are too intertwined I'm gonna call b.s. on this one and point out that likely you just can't deal with going cold turkey.

Do you want a divorce? If the answer is no get this out in the open right now. Save two marriages by breaking up a friendship.

What is more important to you?

 

And just as a side question, any chance the wife and your husband are doing the same thing? Kinda odd they both go to bed at the same time.. he'll who knows. If you actually communicated with your husband you might find out he would be open to a swingers night.

 

Your last paragraph made me laugh so hard. Hahaha!!! I was thinking the same exact thing. I agree with your whole post.

 

OP this is great advice. :)

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r months. The husband and I have had a very intense connection from the beginning...something I cannot explain, and we finally discussed it a few months ago as i felt it was starting to become an obvious and needed to be brought up. At the time it was agreed that there is an insane connection and if there were no kids or spouses involved it would be an incredible thing.

 

I snipped your first post down to this part^^^

 

IMO the first post always gives the most honest information. :)

 

Why did you feel you could discuss your feelings for your friend with him (which was your first mistake by the way)?

 

Thanks for the replies. I feel like telling my husband will just make things way more complicated as they are very close friends...he won't get it. We do communicate and have (or I thought we do) a very good marriage. I never understood why or how this stuff happens but now I get if. And as for my H and his W, I'm pretty positive theirs nothing going on there.

 

...but you can't tell you husband your feelings?

 

Hmmm????

 

I know my post sounds harsh and I don't mean for it to, but can you see the the contradiction in your thoughts here? You can "be honest" with the friend but not with your husband? :rolleyes:

 

You, my friend, are headed down a really bad path.

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Since then there has been more flirting and more intensity with our relationship like intense eye contact and little things like he will play footsies with me if under the table if we are all eating dinner together , etc,. We do not communicate on our own, like no texting or phone calls. Everything is happening in front of our spouses as it is always just the 4 of us. A couple weekends ago here was an episode without going into too much detail but we stayed over their house and late night my H and his W went to bed and it was just the 2 of us alone which rarely happens. We had been drinking quite a bit and the amount of sexual tension was insane that it took everything on our willpower to not do anything physical. He told me if it wasn't for the kids he would make love to me right then . We talked after this and he basically told me that this is hard for him but he can't leave his wife and is afraid of losing everything he has built with her and his family. He also said that for him our connection is a physical connection and not emotional. He told me he thinks about me when he is being intimate with his wife. We basically left it as we are going to be just friends as he wants me in his life because he values the friendship that we have built with our families and doesn't want to lose it. I guess I'm more emotionally attached because I'm having a hard time shutting this off. He claims he can shut it off but after the other weekend I don't believe him after some of the things he said. My questions are do you think we can go on just being friends and can men really shut off the emotional connection and have it just be physical? He never wants to discuss what this is because I think he thinks if we do then it becomes real. Since our families are so close there is no way we can stop seeing them. Just kinda confused as to how to continue with the friendship.

 

I think what he is saying to you (he just wants the physical attraction) and how he behaves toward you is gross.

 

Why would you want to give any headspace to a guy like this? Married or no, he is saying the grossest stuff to you. Eeeww. It kind of makes me want to throw up in my mouth after reading it.

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whichwayisup

 

My questions are do you think we can go on just being friends and can men really shut off the emotional connection and have it just be physical? He never wants to discuss what this is because I think he thinks if we do then it becomes real.

 

Since our families are so close there is no way we can stop seeing them. Just kinda confused as to how to continue with the friendship.

 

He said to you: He also said that for him our connection is a physical connection and not emotional.

Believe him. Many men can separate love and sex. This is PURELY a sexual attraction he has for you, not love, not emotional.

 

Honestly, I would back off and stop spending so much time with that couple. NO good can come of this and what you're doing to your own husband is wrong and you know it. Imagine if your husband was lusting after another woman right under your nose! You and this MM are making fools of your own spouses by playing footsie and flirting.

 

There's no point in continuing on like you have been and already it's affecting your marriage and what you feel towards your own husband.

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whichwayisup
Gonna try...the spouses will figure it out though that's the problem. Ugh, it's a mess.

 

Then STOP hanging out with them so much. TELL your husband that you feel uncomfortable since there's an attraction and a connection between you and MM, and you don't want anything to happen so it would be best to distance yourselves from that 4-some friendship and focus on other friends in your lives.

 

The more time you spend with MM, the higher the chances something WILL happen. Just stop and think of all the innocent kids who will be hurt by your selfish (and MM's) behaviour. And of course, your husband and his wife.

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My questions are do you think we can go on just being friends and can men really shut off the emotional connection and have it just be physical?

 

He may want this to be solely physical. Don't be surprised if he begins to tell you that it's become more to him, strictly as a means for him to reel you in and act on any physical connection the two of you may have.

 

The "if there were no kids or spouses involved it would be an incredible thing." line is great and all, but who knows? The thrill of a possible A wouldn't be involved either. Honestly, how incredible a thing would it be if by his own admission there isn't an emotional connection between the two of you?

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Dont believe him when he says he has only sexual attraction for you, no feelings... men arent that different from women, but they have stronger self-defence mechanisms. You both have feelings, you both are at the edge of an abyss and will soon jump into it because it is nearly impossible to turn back... been there... but life is a self-discovery, often through pain.

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ThorntonMelon

I will admit, I wouldn't tell your husband either, but I wouldn't allow myself to be alone with him.

 

Oh, and he loves your attention and he's totally playing you, and even if he's an awesome guy you're just fulfilling his ego. He isn't focused on this like you are. You're a fun diversion from his "real" life. Don't let him ruin yours.

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Friend,

Let me tell you something, he may like you and even care about you, but in the end, it is just about sex. I know this because (confession time) back in college, I told a girl who was dating someone the exact same thing. I really liked her, but make no mistake about it, she was a booty call. We had great conversations, deep, emotional, funny, you name it, we had it. In the end, however, the attraction was purely physical. She was a good friend to me and I was to her and that is all it should have been, but I had to have her, physically.

 

After college, we kept in touch, literally. She finally asked me to make a commitment to her and take things to the next level. I felt guilty because I could see the love in her eyes. I felt like a first class ass because I kept getting with her despite seeing how her feelings were intensifying into love even though I had told her that it was just a physical thing.

I was not willing to risk giving up on my then girlfriend who I loved and I told her that. Can you believe that, I told her I loved my girlfriend and did not want to lose that relationship. Hell, if she agreed, then cool. She did.

 

(Believe me, I was a deluded selfish ass). When a man tells you that it is physical, believe him. he has already run the "could I be with her" scenario through his mind and that answer came up a big huge negative. One of the following is gonna happen. You are gonna sleep with him and become his regular booty call. You will fall in love with him and he will love your booty. You all will get caught and he will throw you under the bus and then you will think back on this advice and wonder why you risked your family or possibly threw away your family forever. Infidelity might be a deal breaker for your husband. Alternatively, he leaves his wife for you, deals with you on a daily basis and realizes that you were only fit for sex, but not a relationship. He dumps you, goes back to his wife and you have to hope your husband will take you back. He may not. Well, maybe he takes you back at first but inside of 2 years he decides that he just can't do it and dumps you.

 

I say this with complete remorse, I have told women that it was just a physical thing and what I really meant was, "I don't see you as worthy of being in a relationship with, but you are worth screwing and if you agree to this arrangement then you will confirm my belief that you are not worthy of being in a relationship with me, and are only worth screwing." Despicable, sad, but true.

 

Don't risk your family. If you do, realize this, the sex may not be as great as you think. Still, go in with your eyes wide open.

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