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The 11th Hour and D-Day is coming: Admissions of Fear


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conflictedlove

All,

 

I'm scared.

 

I said it. I know I'm safe here so I can say it w/o too much grief.

 

The pain that I can't share being involved in a 2 year A with friends and family is equally tormenting. So here I am, ready to reveal the deepest, darkest secrets to a people that have learned from what i'm going through and hopefully can shed some light, regardless of how painful the truth is, on the dark side of an A.

 

Present

 

My AP, MOW of 2 under 10 and married 10 yrs, told me 2 days ago she can't take much more of this. This, meaning away from me. She is ready to come out and tell her H its over. She is ready to start a life with me. We have talked about it (to some degree i thought it was future faking but its not to her and obviously i'm struggling with it). We talked and still talk about a plan. Not in detail, but its getting there. We spend time after work seeing each other for an hour or so and usually have a 5 hour room getaway every 1 to 2 weeks. It becoming so normal now that I can see we both want more. MOre of each other but her more than I. I want her but im not sure about it. I'm not sure about her in that we started off as an A and what are the odds we make it? I've got 3 kids of my own and i feel as if my w who is a homemaker would be so distraught she wouldn't be able to make it w/o me. My kids would hate me, maybe forever. My mow feels horrible at the thought of her kids missing their dad if he leaves (she's on the verge of telling him, i don't know how much more i can keep her at bay). The whole thing, i never saw it coming until now. Now that we are here, I have to admit, maybe, just maybe.

 

if she does leave her h, that i'll slowly let her go. She's may be taking a new job in a month and my plan, as sad as this may sound, that may be the thing that distracts her enough to get over me. Her marriage was already not great so once we started our A, it was the rescue rope she needed. Well, I needed it too but I never though and even convinced myself i wouldn't get to the point of leaving my W and kids.

 

MOW is going to do something soon. I know it. I can feel it. She tells me she wants for her push her hot button so she can tell him its over. I keep playing that in my mind as I don't think i'm ready to do the same. As much as i'm not happy with my w at times, its the kids i worry about. The guild crushes me down so deep i can't handle it.

 

The 11th hour is here. I have maybe 2 months max before mow tells her H and expects me to do the same. If mow does get her a new job in the next 30 days, she wants us to have given our notice so she's sure w/o a doubt.

 

She's going to do it. I can tell. I always thought we would get caught. No, that didn't happen. 2 years into this and the very thing i never imagined happening is happening! She's on the verge of telling her H its over and then will be expecting me to do the same.

 

The Past

 

I've done this once before. An A. Yes, I have. 10 years ago. I learned so much back then. I knew I would never leave my w for x mow. Yet, the same thing happened. my x mow wanted to leave her H for me and told me so. She was ready to do it to! I just couldn't do it. She could sense it, my excuses, my pauses and my anxiety of hurting my w. She eventually gave up and we stopped talking. I learned a lot through that but obviously i got caught up in another A and its almost like a repeat. both x mow and my current mow went down the same path. They wanted to leave their spouses. They both want me to do the same. If i learned from my last A anything, I learned it would have been the wrong decision if I had left my w before. This time, i have thought about it but my w is so loyal to me and to my kids i can't do it to her. the guilt eats at me daily yet i find mow is the solace i've longed for and the relationship i always wish i had.

 

Questions

 

Should spouses stay in a relationship because of the kids?

Do kids ever really heal?

Do all A's end up wanting to turn into full blown relationships?

What happens to those A's that turn into relationships then crash and burn? Where do people go for help and how do they go back to their families?

What are the odds of an A actually surviving the long haul?

Am I wrong for not wanting to leave my w and kids for mow knowing that's what i want to do but my anxiety won't let me due to the impact on my kids?

 

I'm so conflicted. I never saw this coming to a moment when mow would say to me that she wanted do bad to tell her h today. she was ready to do it.

 

I'm living on borrowed time.

 

Thank you for your support

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Why didn't you learn last time? Sorry to say it but your wife deserves better. She is loyal this is the second time you've cheated on her. She deserves someone to love her and not be there out of guilt.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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purplesorrow

You can find the answers to all of your questions reading these forums. If you know you are not leaving, why not tell your AP now? Waiting until after she leaves her h to tell her may end in true disaster for you. It may hurt and anger her to a point that she will tell your wife. Stop playing with people's lives, your ap's and your family's.

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gettingstronger

I'll ask you the same thing I asked my husband when I found out about his A-

 

what makes you so special that you get to make choices for your W- why do you get to live the life you want knowing all that is going on why she lives a lie?

 

I'll add in for your MOW- again, what makes you special- why do you string her along- if you know you'll never leave your wife for her-tell her-let her know the only way you'll be together is if your wife leaves you-let her decide if she wants to be your back up plan for whatever reason you have, be it guilt, shame or the kids-

 

Man up and realize you are not lord and master over these women and do right by both of them-

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whichwayisup

No way will this work out for you two. Your W and her H will fight nail and tooth to have full custody and make sure those kids aren't caught up in this, no way is it healthy to all of a sudden throw your children and hers, into this mix, change up their lives and immediately have new step parents to deal with. If you and your MOW want to be together, each of you tell your spouses the truth. Just come clean. It's obvious you're not in love with your wife anymore, 2 affairs already and your foot is out the door.

 

It's so easy to say all this and make a plan to be together, but each of you more than likely can't look your spouses in the eye and come clean. Let THEM decide what they want. You've been living a lie for 10 years, and your MOW has lived a lie for 2 years.

 

Get counseling because when this blows up, there will be a lot of hurt people, especially the innocent kids in this situation.

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There are plenty of people who have great relationships after an affair but yours probably won't be one of them. Mainly due to the fact that you're just screwing around on your wife and have no interest in having a life with the OW. It would completely shock your OW to learn that the idea of leaving your wife never once occurred to you until she brought it up.

 

The biggest mistake your OW has made - aside from having an affair with you - is driving this situation to the point that she has, without letting you be the one to bring it up and suggest it. Most men aren't man enough to tell a woman no so, in classic style, you're letting her go through the motions, letting her believe that you're on board with this idea. You need to tell her immediately that you have no plans to leave your wife. There is no easy way out of this now that you have allowed her to believe something that isn't true.

 

One thing you apparently didn't learn from your previous affair is that women are much more likely to leave a marriage than a man is. Men are usually more happy just to cheat and stay where they are. The reasons for this are simple -- a man's identity is often tied up with his money, reputation, and how well he provides for his family. Women don't think this way. Their happiness is tied more to relationships -- how happy they are in them, the quality of them, etc. Hence, it's more natural for a woman to be driven toward a potential happy relationship, where men are driven by other factors.

 

I have a relative who's married to a complete monster. Yet he won't leave her because of their 3 kids. What he doesn't realize is that the fights and hatred between him and his wife are ruining their kids. It's truly pitiful. Yet, he stays. I see this all the time.

 

I don't think the questions you're asking are relevant since you have no desire to leave your marriage. All of those questions would have different answers if your frame of mind were different, but it's not. I raised a son mostly by myself and, without fail, at least one teacher would tell me that they couldn't believe he was from a divorced family. The reason for that was because my ex and I didn't fight with one another around our son, among other things. But don't get me wrong, I don't like being around him but we both knew how to be adults around our son and around others. If you walk away believing you're destroying your kids and that they'll hate you, that's exactly what will happen. You have to walk away from your marriage knowing you're doing the right thing, and because you don't feel that way, it would be a disaster.

 

Just grow a backbone and tell the OW that she should not leave her marriage for your sake. Let her know that you've done a lot of soul searching and that you just cannot leave your marriage. Do not waiver on this at all and do not give her any hope that you're likely to change your mind in the future. She will be hurt and pissed off but there's no way around that. You've let this situation go too far already.

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I just went through this similar scenario. I am the OW of MM with kids married 14 years. The exception is MM told me from day one he would NEVER leave his wife. Did you give your OW promises that you would do so and now that it has come time you are not ready? Can you talk to her and explain your not ready?

 

As far as kids healing I feel they do, if you are really in love with the OW over your W I believe in true love always shines through, I know some on here don't agree with me but I am old fashioned that way. I personally do not think a person should stay in a marriage for the kids sake I think its just an excuse. I am also bias due to being the OW and would love for my MM to leave his wife and kids for me (as selfish as that sounds). Kids are resilient, they enjoy new prospects and new environments as long as its peaceful it can work. I have seen it happen many times over. BUT it sounds like you are not ready for this and you should not do what you are not ready to do and you should explain this to the OW and tell her to refrain from telling her husband so you and her can start your life together if you are not sure.

 

Read my story under I think its titled MM tells OW its over, something like that. I am M myself my anny was 25 yrs yesterday the affair was very hard on my already strained marriage we have been separated for 3 yrs. the duration of the affair and it is very difficult to get back what was. Now the MM dumped me and I have noone. I have myself I'm trying to pick up the pieces its very difficult. It seems there are no winners where this is concerned.

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I raised a son mostly by myself and, without fail, at least one teacher would tell me that they couldn't believe he was from a divorced family.

 

To clarify -- I meant to say that at least one teacher each school year said they couldn't believe my son was from a divorced family.

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I just went through this similar scenario. I am the OW of MM with kids married 14 years. The exception is MM told me from day one he would NEVER leave his wife. Did you give your OW promises that you would do so and now that it has come time you are not ready? Can you talk to her and explain your not ready?

 

As far as kids healing I feel they do, if you are really in love with the OW over your W I believe in true love always shines through, I know some on here don't agree with me but I am old fashioned that way. I personally do not think a person should stay in a marriage for the kids sake I think its just an excuse. I am also bias due to being the OW and would love for my MM to leave his wife and kids for me (as selfish as that sounds). Kids are resilient, they enjoy new prospects and new environments as long as its peaceful it can work. I have seen it happen many times over. BUT it sounds like you are not ready for this and you should not do what you are not ready to do and you should explain this to the OW and tell her to refrain from telling her husband so you and her can start your life together if you are not sure.

 

Read my story under I think its titled MM tells OW its over, something like that. I am M myself my anny was 25 yrs yesterday the affair was very hard on my already strained marriage we have been separated for 3 yrs. the duration of the affair and it is very difficult to get back what was. Now the MM dumped me and I have noone. I have myself I'm trying to pick up the pieces its very difficult. It seems there are no winners where this is concerned.

 

Affairs have lasting effects on kids who more often then not will replay what they have learned from their parents, how to cheat, how to not value relationships and commitments. Waywards love to think they can distroy the family then everyone simply moves on. Back in the real world everyone involved has a lifetime of sh it to deal with because of someone elses selfishness.

 

OP just run off with the other woman, your wife deserves better then you have to offer. This is your second affair, maybe your better matched with someone else that cheats also. You guys go run off, leave the loyal faithful spouses and go cheat on one another. What a life to look forward too. Two people always looking for someone better.

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I've got 3 kids of my own and i feel as if my w who is a homemaker would be so distraught she wouldn't be able to make it w/o me.

 

Just as a side note, it hope all women pay attention to this. This is EXACTLY why Women's Lib started. Women had no career, stayed at home with the kids, the husband cheats, and the wife has nowhere to turn because she has no options to make it on her own. So, she would either marry another man or stay with her cheating husband.

 

This is also exactly why I tell women to never put themselves in a position where they're dependent on a man. If men wonder why women don't want to stay home with the kids anymore, why they're so focused on their careers, etc., this post is your answer. This man's wife is clueless about her husband's two affairs, and is possibly about to get blindsided. What a great life. I hope she has a degree and I hope she has options.

 

Then again, there's the upside: her husband stays with her out of guilt.

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So many people get divorced each year who have children or not, in a affair or not! I think there is some mental illness in those who have some crazy looping mindset if to stay in affairs their whole life or make a decision to leave the situation, and do as many others do, many, divorce! They either stay single and date or marry again and start a new family and still stay involved with children from their past relationship.

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This post is a perfect example of how the majority of MM think. Leaving the wife is not even seriously considered. They may love the OW and genuinely enjoy her company, but these feelings aren't important enough for them to divorce over. Many OW think MMs are having the affair with the goal of eventually ending their marriage, but most MM know OW will eventually want more & end it. They just ride it out, enjoying OW until she finally realizes he's never leaving.

 

My belief is that children do better in intact marriages, unless there is abuse, hostility or blatant disrespect. If you are going to stay married, the best thing is to go to counseling and make a genuine effort and be honest with your wife.Your wife and kids deserve much more respect than your actions show.

 

Tell OW that you aren't leaving and let her go. She can't move on and heal if you try to keep the affair going. If you care about OW and have her best interests at heart, it is not fair to continue this when you know she wants so much more.

 

You also need individual counseling because your actions and choices are a reflection of some issues. You are lying to all the important people in your life. Your loved ones dont deserve the deception and disrespect you show to them. Learn to live an authentic life. Learn to face conflict- both of these women are being deceived because you avoid conflict rather than being real.

Edited by Quiet Storm
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My father left my Mom and 3 little girls.

As an adult Im glad he didn't stay and fight with her and me and my sisters grew up fine.

If your not brave enough to go...then stay...

But you need to be gentle but 100% clear to the mow. Do not wait any longer to tell her you are NEVER leaving.

Whether you tell your spouse or not is a very private and personal choice.

But she can stand on her own two feet without you believe that.

So...you need to choose. Now. And be VERY clear to the woman making a life altering choice for you. Maybe she would be inspired to stay and work on her marriage if she knew you were.

You cant keep her in the dark...shes gotta know its not more time you need to leave...its that your not leaving. Start there.

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I just went through this similar scenario. I am the OW of MM with kids married 14 years. The exception is MM told me from day one he would NEVER leave his wife. Did you give your OW promises that you would do so and now that it has come time you are not ready? Can you talk to her and explain your not ready?

 

As far as kids healing I feel they do, if you are really in love with the OW over your W I believe in true love always shines through, I know some on here don't agree with me but I am old fashioned that way. I personally do not think a person should stay in a marriage for the kids sake I think its just an excuse. I am also bias due to being the OW and would love for my MM to leave his wife and kids for me (as selfish as that sounds). Kids are resilient, they enjoy new prospects and new environments as long as its peaceful it can work. I have seen it happen many times over. BUT it sounds like you are not ready for this and you should not do what you are not ready to do and you should explain this to the OW and tell her to refrain from telling her husband so you and her can start your life together if you are not sure.

 

Read my story under I think its titled MM tells OW its over, something like that. I am M myself my anny was 25 yrs yesterday the affair was very hard on my already strained marriage we have been separated for 3 yrs. the duration of the affair and it is very difficult to get back what was. Now the MM dumped me and I have noone. I have myself I'm trying to pick up the pieces its very difficult. It seems there are no winners where this is concerned.

 

On the one hand I agree with you, in that I don't think a person should stay in a toxic volatile relationship for the kids. If the parents can't control themselves and they are having ugly rows and being blatantly disrespectful to each other in front of the children then it's probably best to separate. Not because the kids will enjoy the divorce and treat it like a new adventure, as your post seems to suggest, but because it's the lesser of the two evils. Nonetheless the children will be hurt by having their family broken and more so if they are aware that their father left for another person. Children often feel as betrayed and rejected as the betrayed spouse feels. Sure they can recover and heal if their being attended to properly but if a marriage ends due to an affair the pain will be greater and recovery will be more difficult.

 

 

I have a question about the bolded in your post. What makes affair love truer then any other kind of love? Why would the love between affair partners take precedence over every other love relationship? I love my family, I love my kids, and I have been deeply in love with a few men in my lifetime. I have never thought that the romantic love I had with SO was more important or more true than the love I had for anyone else. As a matter of fact, I think romantic love is one of the most fickle and replaceable types of love there is. I've had the same family, the same kids and many of the same friends for most of my life, but the men in my life have changed. I've been in love 3 times and someday I might fall in love again, but my kids are my kids for life, I will never fall out of love with them or break up with them and get new kids. Same with my family. So to me true lasting love is what I have with my lifelong loves, not some guy who came into my life a few years ago and who may or may not be in my life a few years down the road.

 

 

I'm actually not as flip about romantic love as I sound. When I'm in love, I do love deeply and passionately and there isn't much I wouldn't do for the man I love but if they asked me to hurt another person I love for their benefit I would probably not be able to do that.

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Hi Anika!

 

I always looked at this as the MM is "in love" with the OW, and loves the spouse. There is a difference between being in love and just loving and caring about a person. To me, being in love with someone is they are on your mind constantly, you cannot do without them, as opposed to just loving and caring about the person your with. I'm sure there are many who start out in love then just turns into love, or maybe someone remain in love. It's rare from what I have seen. Married couples who can still say after so many years that they are in love with their partner.

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Hope Shimmers
if she does leave her h, that i'll slowly let her go. She's may be taking a new job in a month and my plan, as sad as this may sound, that may be the thing that distracts her enough to get over me. Her marriage was already not great so once we started our A, it was the rescue rope she needed. Well, I needed it too but I never though and even convinced myself i wouldn't get to the point of leaving my W and kids.

 

This just makes me nauseous. I read this post hours ago and it took me this long before I could even post something to it that would not get me banned.

 

How can MM be such complete passive cowards?

 

You are actually going to let your OW leave her husband and not stop her because you don't have the balls to do anything that might result in your taking responsibility for anything or actually making a decision that you could take credit for? Instead you are just going to sit passively by while this OW, whom you supposedly "love", destroys her marriage and family based on promises that YOU made to her while you were future-faking. All because you want to save your sorry skin and not take any responsibility for your lying. Unbelievable.

 

You don't love or respect either of these women or your kids. You are just thinking about yourself and what YOU want. If you sit by and let your OW blow up her life based on promises you have no intention of keeping, then I hope she blows up your life by telling your wife just who you really are. And then I hope your wife throws you to the curb, because she would be MUCH better off without you.

 

Grow a pair - and a backbone too while you're at it - and clean up the mess YOU made, like a real man would. Tell the OW that you have no intentions of being with her and that you were just using her and that you are staying with your wife forever.

 

I feel sorry for your wife and kids. Good luck - you're going to need it.

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Your W is presented as an afterthought and as an accessory to your life = not needed and not appreciated for who she is in your marriage.

 

Since you seem very selfishly motivated I suggest divorcing her whether you are with your OW or not.

 

Cheated twice and still not sorry your putting your W best interest way down your list of priorities? Allow her to find some peace of mind and the possibility that another man that's willing to HONOR and respect her.

 

Your big ego is way tooooo inflated!

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I think the man is wrong....dead wring.

But surmising that he doesn't love his kids or either woman is too far.

We dont know. It is a frustrating maddening situation and hopefully everyone is learning here. I hope he is opening his eyes to things now.

Theres not an easy way out now but theres his side...her side...and her side and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

The "easiest" way might be to come clean with everyone and the other thing is he may be so deeply flawed because the real person he doesn't love is himself and he hoped to find that in others. And now hes left with a mess.

I feel compassion and anger. But I do think at the very least he loves his kids.

My Dad left for AP and signed his parental rights a way. Men do it. He is not.

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Hi Anika!

 

I always looked at this as the MM is "in love" with the OW, and loves the spouse. There is a difference between being in love and just loving and caring about a person. To me, being in love with someone is they are on your mind constantly, you cannot do without them, as opposed to just loving and caring about the person your with. I'm sure there are many who start out in love then just turns into love, or maybe someone remain in love. It's rare from what I have seen. Married couples who can still say after so many years that they are in love with their partner.

 

 

Yes you are describing the difference between mature love and romantic love. That was kind of my point. The romantic love that keeps a person on your mind constantly and makes you feel like you cannot live without them is not sustainable or lasting. To me the love that develops over years of knowing and caring for someone, even in the absence of romantic feelings, is the truer more lasting love. Romantic feelings come and go and even married couples can fall in and out of love with each other several times over. When they are not romantically in love with each other then it's the quiet steady committed love and friendship they have developed over the years that sustains them until they fall in love with each other again and heat things up. To me it's a mistake to discount the strong bonds of mature love and friendship and overly inflate the importance of romantic love.

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My father left my Mom and 3 little girls.

As an adult Im glad he didn't stay and fight with her and me and my sisters grew up fine.

If your not brave enough to go...then stay...

But you need to be gentle but 100% clear to the mow. Do not wait any longer to tell her you are NEVER leaving.

Whether you tell your spouse or not is a very private and personal choice.

But she can stand on her own two feet without you believe that.

So...you need to choose. Now. And be VERY clear to the woman making a life altering choice for you. Maybe she would be inspired to stay and work on her marriage if she knew you were.

You cant keep her in the dark...shes gotta know its not more time you need to leave...its that your not leaving. Start there.

 

Gently, and as kindly as I can say this, you grew up and made the choice to be in an affair, right?

 

Affairs harm kids. Even when they think it's okay, patterns repeat, and people, waywards and affair partners included, get hurt.

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Your scared? Hmmm, you should be scared of who you've become.

 

It may be useful to entirely change who you are. That way maybe you can become proud of the person you are.

 

Change is good! Takes a ton of contrary action though; and in this case change would certainly look better than it does now.

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Does your AP know about the first affair? Did your former ap just disappear without notifying your wife?

 

 

 

 

What stops you from admitting to this woman that you don't want a future with her? Do you really believe that she figuring that out in the middle of her divorce or after is better?

 

 

 

 

 

 

What game are you exactly playing? Why are you not stopping the future faking at least? What have you learned exactly from your first affair? It seems looking at the cold facts that it's absolutely zero.

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Does your AP know about the first affair? Did your former ap just disappear without notifying your wife?

 

 

 

 

What stops you from admitting to this woman that you don't want a future with her? Do you really believe that she figuring that out in the middle of her divorce or after is better?

 

 

 

 

 

 

What game are you exactly playing? Why are you not stopping the future faking at least? What have you learned exactly from your first affair? It seems looking at the cold facts that it's absolutely zero.

 

 

 

Why not stop the future faking? Because he would need to be honest... And honesty isn't any part if who he is.

 

What game? He's playing a game that benefits him but harms many.

 

Same deal as most cheaters. He thinks of himself but not of all those he's hurting.

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Gently, and as kindly as I can say this, you grew up and made the choice to be in an affair, right?

 

Affairs harm kids. Even when they think it's okay, patterns repeat, and people, waywards and affair partners included, get hurt.

 

But my point was I didnt fall apart, live a shattered life on drugs and mentally distraught because I came from a broken home and also I thought the comments that op didnt love his kids were out of line. They may suffer but to what degree is different for every family or child rather. All things considered I grew up ok.

He compartmentalized his wife and kids to be seperate from his affair.

Doesn't mean he didn't love them. Who are we to say who he loves or how much was my point. Just an opinion.

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