Completely Overwhelmed.Pregnancy?

[sr1183]

I have been having an affair with a MW for four years. At first we both tried to end it at various times but always reconciled. Her husband moved away two years ago and she asked me to let her stay with me. At the time she needed important surgery and I had no insurance or saved money. I asked her to go with him for her health and get the surgery. If she still felt the same she could come back. She put off the surgery for a long time and didn't return until recently. We maintained a long distance relationship the entire time and I was faithful.

Last month she was in town alone for a visit seeing family. She spent most of the month here with me even after her husband joined her. Everything was going better than ever between us and I asked her to stay. She said the only way she could stay was if we had a baby and we tried as much as possible but she wasn't pregnant when she left and she said she now wanted to work it out with her husband.

Because of the timing, she still may or may not be pregnant. She swears she will come back if she is but otherwise will stay with him. She swears she hopes she is pregnant though.

Then her husband found out about the affair. He angrily confronted me and even confirmed she had been faithful to me the entire time she was away. She begged me not to fight with him and asked I block his number so as not to talk to him. Now we are only communicating through email but she is becoming increasingly distant. She says she wants to work it out with him since he refuses to leave her but will still come if shes pregnant. She said she doesn't want me to wait for her to decide but would be grateful if I did.

 

What is going on? I am thoroughly lost. Why would a baby be the only way she'll leave him? Why would he stay? He was abusive and lazy but has recently turned himself around. Should I wait or am I being played.

[bathtub-row]

Well, she pretty much lost me there, too. I have no idea what a baby has to do with anything. And the truth is, if she actually did get pregnant, she would still probably come up with some reason about why she had to stay in her marriage.

 

If her husband is abusive, then it's just a matter of time before he goes back to his former ways. Abusers NEVER change. Also, now that he knows she had an affair, he has new ammunition to use against her and, trust me, he will use it. The problem with that is that she will probably let him control her through that information and she'll sink deeper and deeper into the abyss of abuse.

 

I don't think you're being played, exactly, but you are dealing with a very confused and unstable person. I was once with someone who was abusive and I can tell you with certainty that if another man had come along during that time (before I left on my own), I would have jumped on that faster than anyone could've said 'jack rabbit'. I had to pull myself out of that hell-hole but another man coming along and wanting a life with me, loving me and willing to support me would've made the decision that much easier. So, the fact that this woman hasn't done that is a very bad sign, I'm sorry to say. It makes me think that she's there because, on some level, she enjoys the drama.

 

People who are genuinely stuck in that cycle of high drama and abuse are extremely difficult to deal with. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Edited August 15, 2014 by bathtub-row

[DKT3]

Well, she pretty much lost me there, too. I have no idea what a baby has to do with anything. And the truth is, if she actually did get pregnant, she would still probably come up with some reason about why she had to stay in her marriage.

 

If her husband is abusive, then it's just a matter of time before he goes back to his former ways. Abusers NEVER change. Also, now that he knows she had an affair, he has new ammunition to use against her and, trust me, he will use it. The problem with that is that she will probably let him control her through that information and she'll sink deeper and deeper into the abyss of abuse.

 

I don't think you're being played, exactly, but you are dealing with a very confused and unstable person. I was once with someone who was abusive and I can tell you with certainty that if another man had come along during that time (before I left on my own), I would have jumped on that faster than anyone could've said 'jack rabbit'. I had to pull myself out of that hell-hole but another man coming along and wanting a life with me, loving me and willing to support me would've made the decision that much easier. So, the fact that this woman hasn't done that is a very bad sign, I'm sorry to say. It makes me think that she's there because, on some level, she enjoys the drama.

 

People who are genuinely stuck in that cycle of high drama and abuse are extremely difficult to deal with. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Maybe I missed something but how did you get he was abusive? Because she's cheating doesn't mean he is abusive, it only means she is cheating.

 

This sounds shakey to me, I was a BH and the last thing I would mention to the OM is if I'm having sex with my wife. Sounds odd indeed.

[sr1183]

Maybe I missed something but how did you get he was abusive? Because she's cheating doesn't mean he is abusive, it only means she is cheating.

 

This sounds shakey to me, I was a BH and the last thing I would mention to the OM is if I'm having sex with my wife. Sounds odd indeed.

 

No I personally witnessed it. We were all friends until that day. I asked her to come back to my house with her children but she refused. After I left their house I called the police but she covered for him. I stopped the affair for a few days after that but then we were right back to it.

 

Idk why he said it, I think he was just mad about it and blaming me.

[Nothisgirl]

Well, this woman sounds very unstable and unfortunately I think you're wrapped up into her little game. Hopefully she's not pregnant....that poor baby

walk away now while you can!!

[DKT3]

I don't know why my comments quoted bathtub-row's post it wasn't meant to.

[sr1183]

This morning she stated that she wants to talk more but that he is now watching her all the time. Took away her phone and randomly comes home all the time. She says she also realizes she won't leave because she is afraid but doesn't know how to find the courage.

[DKT3]

This morning she stated that she wants to talk more but that he is now watching her all the time. Took away her phone and randomly comes home all the time. She says she also realizes she won't leave because she is afraid but doesn't know how to find the courage.

 

 

Or she doesn't leave because she doesn't want to. I think its time for you to open your eyes. She comes up with excuse after excuse and your accepting them. Question is, why would you want a woman that cheats on her husband with his friend?

[anika99]

Or she doesn't leave because she doesn't want to. I think its time for you to open your eyes. She comes up with excuse after excuse and your accepting them. Question is, why would you want a woman that cheats on her husband with his friend?

 

Seems rather odd to me that an abused woman would be eagerly trying to get pregnant with another mans baby while still with her abusive husband. That doesn't add up.

 

 

Also leaving a marriage, especially if leaving for an AP, is a very emotional and volatile time. Deciding to have a baby at the same time sounds almost like child abuse. Why should a poor innocent baby be brought into that mess, conceived by another man while his mother was still with her husband who happens to the father of the baby's siblings? And speaking of siblings, while your MW is leaving her marriage, moving into her AP's house and having a new baby, who is going to be seeing to the emotional well being of the kids she already has? Who is going to help them cope with the break up of their family and immediately being forced to live with their new step daddy? Not the MW, she's going to be too busy loving her new man and having new babies. That sounds abusive to her existing children.

 

 

If your MW is being serious about leaving only if she is pregnant then it doesn't sound like she's playing with a full deck of cards, although it looks more like she's just stalling and creating obstacles to leaving so that you don't figure out that she's never leaving.

[sr1183]

I asked her if she really is just afraid to leave, if she would make a promise not to sleep with him until she found the courage to leave. She said she couldn't agree to that because she may never be ready to leave.

 

She begged me not to tell her husband about the possible pregnancy because that would be the end for her marriage.

 

After I confirm if she's pregnant or not I'm going to try NC. I wanted to stay her friend and she needs the support but I don't know how to cope anymore.

[DKT3]

I asked her if she really is just afraid to leave, if she would make a promise not to sleep with him until she found the courage to leave. She said she couldn't agree to that because she may never be ready to leave.

 

She begged me not to tell her husband about the possible pregnancy because that would be the end for her marriage.

 

After I confirm if she's pregnant or not I'm going to try NC. I wanted to stay her friend and she needs the support but I don't know how to cope anymore.

 

So she wants to leave him, but begs you not to tell him about maybe being pregnant because it would end the marriage? What? And you believe her? Or is this a fairy tale.

 

Unstable indeed, if true.