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I'm freaking out, DDay is here.


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A few weeks ago my committed man told me he wanted to go from our PA of over 4 years to an EA. I was hurt and I know this relationship was toxic for me. The pain and the emotional rollercoaster were wreaking havoc on my life. I knew I should take the opportunity to end the relationship entirely. I've been trying over the last few weeks, but he's so emotionally manipulative and begging me to maintain a relationship with him. It came to the point where I felt that telling his live-in girlfriend would be the only way to get closure and move on.

 

So my best friend called her earlier today and told her everything. I had expected she might be angry or dismissive, but instead she was crying and hysterical. I knew I would feel horrible, but I had underestimated just how horrible I would feel about messing up her life. I feel like a piece of s*** for wrecking her life because I needed closure and I needed to move on. I do know that if I was her I would want to know, and that is my only comfort in this. My friend told her just how sorry I am and that I never wanted this to happen, I thought he was single for the first half of our A. I apologized to her for my part in the A by not dumping him as soon as I found out about her. She asked my friend for my number and my friend gave it to her. So she may call me.

 

I guess I don't know what to do now. I have never felt so horrible in my life. But I also have a small sense of relief and closure that this whole 4 1/2 year painful drama is well and truly over. Now I can really start to heal without sporadic contact with MM and subconscious hopes for a resurrection of our A. It's over.

Edited by glow worm
grammatical error
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PachucaSunrise
A few weeks ago my committed man told me he wanted to go from our PA of over 4 years to an EA. I was hurt and I know this relationship was toxic for me. The pain and the emotional rollercoaster were wreaking havoc on my life. I knew I should take the opportunity to end the relationship entirely. I've been trying over the last few weeks, but he's so emotionally manipulative and begging me to maintain a relationship with him. It came to the point where I felt that telling his live-in girlfriend would be the only way to get closure and move on.

 

So my best friend called her earlier today and told her everything. I had expected she might be angry or dismissive, but instead she was crying and hysterical. I knew I would feel horrible, but I had underestimated just how horrible I would feel about messing up her life. I feel like a piece of s*** for wrecking her life because I needed closure and I needed to move on. I do know that if I was her I would want to know, and that is my only comfort in this. My friend told her just how sorry I am and that I never wanted this to happen, I thought he was single for the first half of our A. I apologized to her for my part in the A by not dumping him as soon as I found out about her. She asked my friend for my number and my friend gave it to her. So she may call me.

 

I guess I don't know what to do now. I have never felt so horrible in my life. But I also have a small sense of relief and closure that this whole 4 1/2 year painful drama is well and truly over. Now I can really start to heal without sporadic contact with MM and subconscious hopes for a resurrection of our A. It's over.

 

I say this gently - you weren't exactly honest with his girlfriend - YOUR FRIEND WAS. And YOU didn't apologize to her - YOUR FRIEND DID.

 

Listen, I know this is tough and that you feel horrible about everything. It's an awful feeling. Trust me, I know. I do feel for you, but I have to be blunt - that's what has helped me the most here on LS - and I hope it will do the same for you. He cannot emotionally manipulate you if you do not ALLOW it, and for your sake, hopefully that is a done deal. Now, moving forward, there's not much you can do at this point aside from removing yourself from behind your friend's shadow. This is not something you can hide from. You have to own it.

 

For the sake of this woman's well-being, if she calls you, YOU need to own up to YOUR poor choices. Whatever kinds of questions she may have - she deserves to hear it from YOU, not your friend. Reverse the situation exactly as you did about knowing everything in the first place. How would YOU feel if you had to hear such heartbreaking news from a third party?!

 

I get that you were hurt, but I don't think that telling his girlfriend was the only way for you to move on and get closure, and I think you know that, but what's done is done. The only way any of you will be able to move forward is by remaining honest, and that starts with you.

 

Again, I'm not writing this to bash you - I know this is a really rough situation and I know you're hurting - but imagine what this is woman is feeling at this very moment. Her life has just been completely turned upside down - through the work of the OW's best friend. That's a very tough pill to swallow.

 

I realize you want closure - I do, too - but it's possible that you may never get that. You just may have to find it on your own terms and eventually learn to accept things for what they really are. It's not easy, but it certainly isn't impossible.

 

You can't change the past, but you can make better choices in the future, and that starts NOW. You can and will pull through this, but honesty is a necessity - you owe it to yourself, and you owe it to her.

 

Best of luck.

Edited by PachucaSunrise
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It may have been preferable to do the owning up yourself but in the end, I'd still say, mission accomplished. Well, most of it anyway.

 

Keep in mind that it's very common for the betrayed person to believe their wayward partner. It's also common for the wayward to have thrown you 'under the bus' as some crazy, stalking, relentless pursuer. You're probably going to have to verify your story with proof. And yeah, she's probably going to want to hear it from you, personally.

 

I would also say that your personal commitment to having no contact with him is also critical. If you make such a promise to her (which I think you should), then you really need to keep it. If you don't, you'll have shown yourself to be a big fat liar and she'll then believe whatever he says.

 

But fundamentally, I think you've absolutely done the right thing. If you want to walk away from this with any of your dignity intact, then making a confession and apology was the best possible thing. I get that you were afraid. Who wouldn't be?

 

So keep doing the right thing. Keep building that sense of self-pride.

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Thank you for your replies. I'm struggling very much with feeling like a bad person, 1) for not dumping my MM after discovering he was in a relationship, and 2) for telling her.

 

Sunrise, I appreciate your insight. I do realize it would have been better coming from me, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell her. I actually called her twice before and hung up because I couldn't go through with it. My best friend is the sweetest and kindest person I know and was able to deliver the news in the most compassionate way possible (although yes I realize there is no good way to tell someone that their partner of 15 years has been cheating for 4 years.)

 

I'm obviously not going to contact either of them again, but she does have my name and number, and I'm willing to talk to her if she does. I'll apologize to her for my part in the A and I'll answer any questions she has honestly and politely. If he contacts me, however, I'm planning to not answer the phone.

 

I don't expect everyone to understand why I felt like this was the only way for me to move on. But somehow I have already been able to get a sense of closure since telling. As horrible as I feel right now, I also feel free.

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Get away from the 'bad person' label. You may not get a free pass for the affair but the reality is that no one is perfect. You clearly made a mistake by remaining with this man. But you didn't make a mistake by telling her the truth. Now she can make an informed decision about how to move forward with the rest of her life. You gave her power when all she had was betrayal. She will recover and she'll be better off because of your confession. And as it pertains to the bad person business, I recently read something to the effect of, The difference between bad actions and a bad person is consistency. You're making changes and returning to an honest and authentic life. You're also trying to do right by someone you helped wrong. A bad person wouldn't care about such things. Plenty of people just wash their hands of it, saying that it's not their place.

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FWIW from a BW I think you did the right thing. Lots of hurt all round but that was always inevitable from the start. Hope you manage to keep clear of MM and get a chance to heal. Good luck

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Thank you Betrayed. I am definitely trying to see it that way, now she has a chance to know what her man has been doing to her, and she can make an empowered and informed decision either to stay with him or find someone deserving of her. She seems like a really great woman from what I know about her, and I truly do hope the best for her.

 

As for me .... I'm feeling so relieved to go back to a more transparent life of not being an OW anymore and not having to hide things from everyone.

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Why are you freaking out when you're the one that created the d-day? No judgement, just curiosity.

 

Good luck moving on, keep NC and keep that door shut to him so the cycle doesn't begin again.

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Glow worm, I'm sure she is hurting. Let her heal and now you work on you. That is all you can do. What is done is done. I'm not sure I agree with how you went about it, but well...there is no great way to deliver the news that one's significant other his cheating.

 

 

I had to disclose to the wife in order to move on as well. My issue was that the MM kept coming back and baiting me after I'd break it off with him. I knew if his W knew, he could no longer have the "freedom" to mess with me. And, she deserved to know.

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Im going to call a spade a spade. I think getting your friend to call the GF because you are A) to weak to do it yourself and B) even weaker to end your own affair so you figure its time to get the GF to do it for you is the most cowardly thing I have seen in LS in months.

 

 

I am definitely trying to see it that way, now she has a chance to know what her man has been doing to her, and
she can make an empowered and informed decision
either to stay with him or find someone deserving of her.

 

Do you see the irony of your "insight"?

 

Nicely done.

Edited by fellini
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I'm having a hard time with this, maybe its the timing of the confession via friend. To me on the outside it seems that this was done because MM started to pull away and not from any goodness in your heart. Maybe I'm wrong, time will tell. It just that so many OW think "only if the wife knew, she would throw him out and he will come to me" it simply doesn't work that way. 1) because he loves his partner 2) he will blame you for ending it.

 

Now on the slight chance that you actually did it to put a final end to it good for you. However I don't think you did. Having the friend do it give you the chance to deny when he starts raging. I just feel it was caculated and cold.

 

Hopefully I'm wrong.

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I'm having a hard time with this, maybe its the timing of the confession via friend. To me on the outside it seems that this was done because MM started to pull away and not from any goodness in your heart. Maybe I'm wrong, time will tell. It just that so many OW think "only if the wife knew, she would throw him out and he will come to me" it simply doesn't work that way. 1) because he loves his partner 2) he will blame you for ending it.

 

Now on the slight chance that you actually did it to put a final end to it good for you. However I don't think you did. Having the friend do it give you the chance to deny when he starts raging. I just feel it was caculated and cold.

 

Hopefully I'm wrong.

 

 

 

I agree. After reading previous thread, which ended some four weeks ago, glow worm decided to end it without informing BS.

I thought: bravo, good for you. I hope I had the strength to do the same thing, walk away and go on with my life, without causing somebody else unnecessary pain.

Glow worm, I hope you took the step because he really didn't accept your decision to end and you really needed out, and not because of revenge.

I wish you the best. I know what it is to be in another country, having all your loved ones miles away in such tough situations.

Hugs

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Goodbye, the reasons you shared are some of the same as mine, I kept telling him I wanted it to be over and he kept coming back and begging me to continue. Thanks for your comment.

 

DKT, I absolutely agree with you that there is no way in hell he would ever come back to me after this, because of exactly the reasons you stated. He loves her, has spent 15 years with her, and will be infuriated with me for telling her. I never understood the concept of why people would tell the BW thinking that the MM would choose them. In my case, I haven't heard from him since and I would bet my last dollar he doesn't want anything to do with me ever again. That's all I can say really, there's not much more I can do over the internet to defend my motivations.

 

Fellini, yes I am very weak-willed when it comes to him. He had a lot of emotional power over me, but not anymore. I did tell her because that would put finality to the ending; he is no longer able to keep seeing me and reaching out to me, because she knows. It's kind of like when an obese person chooses to get bariatric surgery to force them to not be able to eat anymore, because they don't have enough willpower to just stop eating so much on their own (a choice I'm 100% in support of, btw.) I needed help to break the cycle of addiction. Am I proud of the fact that I couldn't just block him and ignore him permanently on my own without taking this kind of step? No. But I am proud of myself for being able to take a step that put a permanent end to things.

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It's kind of like when an obese person chooses to get bariatric surgery to force them to not be able to eat anymore, because they don't have enough willpower to just stop eating so much on their own (a choice I'm 100% in support of, btw.)

 

What you did is when an obese person chooses to mess with the chef for his in ability to stop eating out in the restaurant. Pun intended.

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Enya, thanks for your comment. Yes he has been very emotionally manipulative since I first told him I wanted to end the A four weeks ago. He had this idea that we could continue in an EA forever, and he wouldn't just let me go and move on. It was an endless cycle of feeling hopeless, powerless, worthless, and I contemplated suicide at several points in the last few weeks because of this situation. I wasn't healing or getting better at all trying to end the A on my own. I gave it a good shot without telling the BW as a crutch for me to lean on, but it wasn't working.

 

Over these last few weeks I have spent several tearful sessions in the offices of two different counselors who helped me to plan this out and helped me come up with the most compassionate and least "in your face" way for my friend to break the news to BW (although like I said before I know there is no good way.) So yes, when my critics say it was "calculated" they aren't wrong, because it was indeed carefully thought out and not done on an emotional whim.

 

I've written down the most honest expression of my inner thoughts and intentions here, and I'll say it's quite hard to cope with people's negative reaction to my deepest and purest thoughts and struggles. I suppose I should learn to cope quickly, as the decision to expose myself to the internet naturally opens the door to criticism from people who don't even know me. Maybe it wasn't the wisest idea for someone in my fragile state.

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Oh and I missed Bentley's comment.

 

I'm freaking out because of the finality and irreversibility of the situation. My relationship with the man I have loved for over 4 years is done and although that's exactly what I wanted, the finality of it still feels like a shock.

 

I'm freaking out because despite vetting my plan with counselors and getting their advice on what exactly should be said to the BW, I had grossly underestimated just how much BW's response to the news would make me feel like such a piece of s*** for telling.

 

Most of all, I'm freaking out because I'm worried about retaliation (from him, not her.) He's threatened me before about what would happen if I ever exposed the A to the BW. If he so much as shows up at my house once, uninvited, or threatens me again, I plan to try to get an AVO (Australian term for restraining order.)

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Hmm...here are my thoughts. I had an affair and confessed to my husband as soon as we ended it.

 

 

If I could do it all over again, I would NOT TELL. Here is why:

 

 

I have since realized that telling my husband was for MY peace of mind, not because he "deserved to know" or just for the sake of coming clean. (And I think this is true of you telling his girlfriend.) And it did! It made me feel so much better after I told, but it put him through hell. For the rest of his life, he will live with the pain of what I did.

 

 

I know, not telling would not make what I did to him any better. But I feel like I put him through unnecessary pain and that it was only for my benefit.

 

 

Also, the fall out from that affected some people that it shouldn't have. If I had kept my mouth shut and healed on my own, I could have saved some other people heartache as well.

 

 

Just my thoughts!

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Most of all, I'm freaking out because I'm worried about retaliation (from him, not her.) He's threatened me before about what would happen if I ever exposed the A to the BW. If he so much as shows up at my house once, uninvited, or threatens me again, I plan to try to get an AVO (Australian term for restraining order.)

 

Oh my. Sounds like you're definitely better off without him. Yikes!

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Hmm...here are my thoughts. I had an affair and confessed to my husband as soon as we ended it.

 

 

If I could do it all over again, I would NOT TELL. Here is why:

 

 

I have since realized that telling my husband was for MY peace of mind, not because he "deserved to know" or just for the sake of coming clean. (And I think this is true of you telling his girlfriend.) And it did! It made me feel so much better after I told, but it put him through hell. For the rest of his life, he will live with the pain of what I did.

 

 

I know, not telling would not make what I did to him any better. But I feel like I put him through unnecessary pain and that it was only for my benefit.

 

 

Also, the fall out from that affected some people that it shouldn't have. If I had kept my mouth shut and healed on my own, I could have saved some other people heartache as well.

 

 

Just my thoughts!

 

Slight T/J

 

Your husband left and filed for divorce, right? So telling did serve a purpose. He decided that he wouldn't live with a woman who didn't respect him as a man and wanted to make him the second choice. In the long run he will be much happier for it.

 

Glow worm, no matter which point you are on the infidelity triangle BS/WS/OM-W the best way out or forward comes from asking and answering the "tough" questions. When I was in the midst of my wifes affair I kept telling myself I stay because I love her and I want to make it work. It was a lie, not totally, but not the real reason I stayed. I stayed because I felt I had to win, and because I was scared. Once I got honest about that I felt calm and knew divorce was the only way I could move foward.

 

A few people come here to watch the wreckage, most come here to help. Sometimes we only see what we want to, by come here telling our stories other people see it for what it is and communicate it as such. Sometimes its hard to take, but its the reality that we face.

 

Had I been here during that time, I'm guessing I would have ended my marriage sooner then I did.

 

Its sure as hell has aided both of us being here as we've come together again after many years apart.

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Enya, thanks for your comment. Yes he has been very emotionally manipulative since I first told him I wanted to end the A four weeks ago. He had this idea that we could continue in an EA forever, and he wouldn't just let me go and move on. It was an endless cycle of feeling hopeless, powerless, worthless, and I contemplated suicide at several points in the last few weeks because of this situation. I wasn't healing or getting better at all trying to end the A on my own. I gave it a good shot without telling the BW as a crutch for me to lean on, but it wasn't working.

 

Over these last few weeks I have spent several tearful sessions in the offices of two different counselors who helped me to plan this out and helped me come up with the most compassionate and least "in your face" way for my friend to break the news to BW (although like I said before I know there is no good way.) So yes, when my critics say it was "calculated" they aren't wrong, because it was indeed carefully thought out and not done on an emotional whim.

 

I've written down the most honest expression of my inner thoughts and intentions here, and I'll say it's quite hard to cope with people's negative reaction to my deepest and purest thoughts and struggles. I suppose I should learn to cope quickly, as the decision to expose myself to the internet naturally opens the door to criticism from people who don't even know me. Maybe it wasn't the wisest idea for someone in my fragile state.

 

glow worm,

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to criticise your decision to tell the BS.

When I read that you had such thoughts against your person, I can imagine the hurt you are feeling. Please don't let anybody hurt you so much that you don't want to continue living.

There are so many people out there who can make you feel just the opposite.

You sound like a very humble and beautiful person. Think about this as a lesson for your future, to never ever again fall for a MM.

It is helping me. And reading through your posts helped me as well.

((((Hugs))))

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Thank you for your replies. I'm struggling very much with feeling like a bad person, 1) for not dumping my MM after discovering he was in a relationship, and 2) for telling her.

 

Sunrise, I appreciate your insight. I do realize it would have been better coming from me, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell her. I actually called her twice before and hung up because I couldn't go through with it. My best friend is the sweetest and kindest person I know and was able to deliver the news in the most compassionate way possible (although yes I realize there is no good way to tell someone that their partner of 15 years has been cheating for 4 years.)

 

I'm obviously not going to contact either of them again, but she does have my name and number, and I'm willing to talk to her if she does. I'll apologize to her for my part in the A and I'll answer any questions she has honestly and politely. If he contacts me, however, I'm planning to not answer the phone.

 

I don't expect everyone to understand why I felt like this was the only way for me to move on. But somehow I have already been able to get a sense of closure since telling. As horrible as I feel right now, I also feel free.

 

This is EXACTLY why I tell people to keep their mouths shut about this stuff. It is so hurtful that it's blinding, soul-destroying. And being responsible for causing someone that kind of pain is no freakin' picnic.

 

As far as feeling bad, you should. I'm not saying that to be mean to you but if you didn't feel bad, I would worry about you. Your conscious is screaming at your for having done something to wound someone to this degree. That isn't to say that you can't move past this and have a good life, because you can. Now you know how you'll behave if another situation like this presents itself in your life. As Oprah so often says, "When you know better, you do better." Now you know better. So, go out there and do better.

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And being responsible for causing someone that kind of pain is no freakin' picnic.

 

 

Bathtub, everything you said in your post is so true. The deepest pain I'm feeling right now is not because of A ending but because of the pain I caused her. It literally makes me sick every time I think of her crying, hysterical response to the news. It makes me ask myself what kind of person I could possibly be to inflict that kind of pain onto someone.

 

Enya, thank you for your kind comment.

Edited by glow worm
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Be strong glow worm, take time to recompose yourself from this emotional turmoil, and try to accept things that have happened. You have done well based on what you are capable of, let just hope at last the truth will help her realizes and re-evaluates her situation. Take this sudden bouts of guilt and self-questioning as a chance to build on your conscience and empathy towards others. Reflect and learn as much as you can from this experience, hopefully it will serves you positively in the future.

 

Now you need to focus on the next stage, don't let all the wise efforts you have done so far to go to waste, i.e. don't let yourself fall back into the affair. Of course at the moment right now it seems so unlikely to happen again, but after some times, your emotions and desires will come back on you, and your AP, as we always read in this forum, will reach out to you again. So be careful and patient, it's not easy to just forgo all the enjoyments and sweet things both of you chosen to get from this four years affair. Be more proactive to safeguard yourself, don't just depends on the external elements, you are the one who have to work hard.

 

Believe in yourself glow worm, you can be better than the past.

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So those of you that read my recent post know that 8 days ago I decided to end my A of 4+ years by telling the BW. Not everyone agrees with how I ended it, and I accept and respect that, so I wasn't looking to discuss that here (read last week's post for a discussion, if you're interested) :)

 

Anyway, I'm pleased to report that it's been complete NC for 8 days now and every day I'm stronger in my resolve to keep it that way. I'm experiencing some of the worst pain I have ever felt but every day I'm just a little bit more sure that this is for the best.

 

The more time that passes, however, and as the "affair fog" fades away, the harder it is to deal with the guilt of having been the OW. The BW was completely devastated by the revelation of the A, and I feel like a monster. The fact that I had no idea he was a committed man for the whole first half of the A doesn't help, since I know that I should have ended it as soon as I found out about the existence of BW. And I didn't. And that was wrong.

 

In a twist of fate, four days ago my sister who I am very close with found out her husband has been having an affair and now they are separated. Dealing with my sister's pain has only served to intensify the horrible-ness of how I feel about having been an OW. My emotions being pulled a million different directions has been an intense and surreal experience. It's hard to cope.

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GollumsNightmare

Glow worm,

 

Help your sister, help yourself. Best wishes to you both. There is a hope and a future for all of us.

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