LovelySweet Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Thanks to the few who have responded to my views and questions. I had been crippled with depression for a few years and for awhile it lifted. It was beginning to attempt taking over, but I fought it off. I need to not think of this affair. I have so many great things here and in the now, a new fitness partner, we will begin strenuous daily work outs, they will push me, vice versa, and much much more to come! Thanks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 I believe Affair is the catalyst to make normal people getting depressed, and also worsen the symptom of depression that people already have, down to extremely level. Thanks to the few who have responded to my views and questions. I had been crippled with depression for a few years and for awhile it lifted. It was beginning to attempt taking over, but I fought it off. I need to not think of this affair. I have so many great things here and in the now, a new fitness partner, we will begin strenuous daily work outs, they will push me, vice versa, and much much more to come! Thanks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 It does. I have made the choice, no one put a gun to my head, and unfortunately I suffer the consequences. It hampers my self esteem, to that of which I would think a street walker would feel, although they do profit, garner and gain from their actions, it is their occupation, they may have better esteem. I do not know any personally to say for sure. I have put on the table my expectations many times, and he does not fulfill or meet them. I layed them out, I refuse to demand someone to act certain ways, I believe it should come from them, pro se, their choice. I am not sure if the affair is and was the reason of the depression occurring or if it stemmed from a myriad of other reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
MayP Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 I believe Affair is the catalyst to make normal people getting depressed, and also worsen the symptom of depression that people already have, down to extremely level. Absolutely. self questioning, self doubt, feeling of never being enough. I keep questioning myself why do I make excuses to rationalize for his actions. Taking his time to reply, talking about calling but goes silent. I throw my expectations down the cliff! That is disgusting because however busy I am, I will make time for him. True, we both enjoy each other; imbalance is on my part. I care more, I mind more, I am hurting more. Arrgh... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 12, 2014 Author Share Posted August 12, 2014 Absolutely Mayp, perfect analogy! You feel like you have all this great stuff to offer and the reception is so vague and underwhelming. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MayP Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 Absolutely Mayp, perfect analogy! You feel like you have all this great stuff to offer and the reception is so vague and underwhelming. You know what... I am sure he will come back with the 'I am sorry, been busy at work, meetings all day, been thinking of you always etc etc'. I have heard it all. It has become kind of annoying. It has some validity; just not good enough. I hope it irritates me enough to tell him to BUG off. I am sorry, done with you thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 12, 2014 Author Share Posted August 12, 2014 You know what... I am sure he will come back with the 'I am sorry, been busy at work, meetings all day, been thinking of you always etc etc'. I have heard it all. It has become kind of annoying. It has some validity; just not good enough. I hope it irritates me enough to tell him to BUG off. I am sorry, done with you thing. This. Yes. My MM, wishes me to be telepathic, just know. Link to post Share on other sites
MayP Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 This. Yes. My MM, wishes me to be telepathic, just know. Being married myself for coming to a decade, I understand the non-existence of telepathy. Especially towards a man. I tell him quite blatantly my feelings and if I need something. still. I can only conclude that he is not invested, the way I am. End of story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MayP Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 I have thoughts of sending him a final email. Lost on how to write it... Did you write yours or you are still in touch? I so know that I will break right after I send it out... Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 It does. I have made the choice, no one put a gun to my head, and unfortunately I suffer the consequences. It hampers my self esteem, to that of which I would think a street walker would feel, although they do profit, garner and gain from their actions, it is their occupation, they may have better esteem. I do not know any personally to say for sure. I have put on the table my expectations many times, and he does not fulfill or meet them. I layed them out, I refuse to demand someone to act certain ways, I believe it should come from them, pro se, their choice. I am not sure if the affair is and was the reason of the depression occurring or if it stemmed from a myriad of other reasons. street walkers garner profit and gaining is open to interpretation and i have from experience known most street walkers dont have high self esteem at all in fact the opposite is more likely to be truth..many are depressed....ever seen old street walkers? its a sight that burns into your retinas.....because its rare and very sad.... i am sorry you have been throegh a hard time i hope things look up for you ....hugs...deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 13, 2014 Author Share Posted August 13, 2014 I have thoughts of sending him a final email. Lost on how to write it... Did you write yours or you are still in touch? I so know that I will break right after I send it out... We are still in touch, however this touch is only when he needs to gets his rocks off. I have given him too many chances and have laid out on the line my expectations, not demands, and he has failed to comply and do the simplest of any. Simple meaning responding to am email, contact in between meeting. I have long had hatred for this man and the feeling is back. I lividly hate this man. I believe I have seen him for some sort of self punishment, some subconscious hatred for myself. I do not hold hatred for others, he causes a feeling of my blood pressure rising, my head feels 100 lbs, the disdain, dislike cause physical symptoms. This man has no interest in my best interest. F----him. Vent needed. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
MayP Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 We are still in touch, however this touch is only when he needs to gets his rocks off. I have given him too many chances and have laid out on the line my expectations, not demands, and he has failed to comply and do the simplest of any. Simple meaning responding to am email, contact in between meeting. I have long had hatred for this man and the feeling is back. I lividly hate this man. I believe I have seen him for some sort of self punishment, some subconscious hatred for myself. I do not hold hatred for others, he causes a feeling of my blood pressure rising, my head feels 100 lbs, the disdain, dislike cause physical symptoms. This man has no interest in my best interest. F----him. Vent needed. Thanks. I like what I read. Keep it up!!! Similarly I don't demand, I expect basic courtesy of replying an email within a day? Not too tough, am I? We don't text, sometimes arranges for skype. That's all. We might be still delusional but we are trying to be friends (we never proceed far anyways). Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 13, 2014 Author Share Posted August 13, 2014 I like what I read. Keep it up!!! Similarly I don't demand, I expect basic courtesy of replying an email within a day? Not too tough, am I? We don't text, sometimes arranges for skype. That's all. We might be still delusional but we are trying to be friends (we never proceed far anyways). Thanks MayP. I really hope things work out in your best interest. I have to recollect myself, holding this hatred is not healthy. I am definitely going to have to find healthy outlets, blow off the steam. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 13, 2014 Author Share Posted August 13, 2014 He is just surrounded by fool me once, fool me twicers, thrice!? His wife has caught on to his infidelity many times. Does she leave? No. She revels in his prominence, if he was a garbage man she would have been out of there. Now, she is using him, for many other things, all of course money related. I am done caring for him, he does not deserve my heart. I never saw him as someone to provide for me, to enable me to further myself, no matter how unscrupulous it is regarding others. Ugh. Just cannot go there...here, anymore. ((Vent)) Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 We are still in touch, however this touch is only when he needs to gets his rocks off. I have given him too many chances and have laid out on the line my expectations, not demands, and he has failed to comply and do the simplest of any. Simple meaning responding to am email, contact in between meeting. If these communications are distressing - block him. Why give HIM the boost at your expense? Keep hitting the gym, new hobby, begin to create new life w/o him - w/o thoughts of him....it can be a hard road but the only way to fail is to quit. Keep going.... Link to post Share on other sites
MayP Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 Thanks MayP. I really hope things work out in your best interest. I have to recollect myself, holding this hatred is not healthy. I am definitely going to have to find healthy outlets, blow off the steam. my best interest... have the urge to email him. but no, so I am posting here instead. how should I get it across that I want him to step up? I don't want to lose this relationship. I am going to have plenty of haters here, where everyone else is talking about NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 my best interest... have the urge to email him. but no, so I am posting here instead. how should I get it across that I want him to step up? I don't want to lose this relationship. I am going to have plenty of haters here, where everyone else is talking about NC. By letting your interest know what you enjoy, you enjoy verbal contact, expression, a note of interest, should be initiated upon, if they have an active interest. Crickets speaks volumes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 If you get crickets, you will soon tire of the relationship. There have been many times MM has called to meet and I had to wash my hair. Meaning, I just felt blah, nothing. I did not jump or meet him, he sounded put off. I did not give the real reason, because he is a big boy, he knows what I desire. I am not going to rewind the same conversation, need over and over. He simply has no vested interest to please me. Link to post Share on other sites
MayP Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 LovelySweet: I don't get you... Sigh. Does it mean that whether I say or not say it doesn't matter? I don't want to fuss over it because on one hand we are not exactly in a relationship; on the other hand he is the one that initiated emailing and says he want to hear from me. Somehow he has to make me feel I am not talking to the wall isn't it? Last week I sent an email, he took several days to reply and made no comments whatsoever. His email I replied in a day after and here I am again! Silence. Hello?! I am angry! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 Sorry if I am confusing. Tell him the importance to you for verbal communications, you enjoy it. Then it is now up to him, if you are on his mind, he heard you, you enjoy verbal contact in a relationship, if after this he continues to not respond with active interest, one word sentences ect., he is not in it for anything but a sexual encounter. I refuse to be a f-buddy, hooker for some a**hole. None of this may apply in your situation. Not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 I am done with this. The a**hole wishes to not have any emotion, put any effort into it but when he wishes for sexual relations THEN the bastard can start paying my mortgage...a fee! He wishes to treat me like a hooker; he better pay me as one. Whew (((((Vent))))) I will relay this to him if he contacts me again! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 MayP, if you are angry now, and you are still smitten, and he does not change, continues, it will continue to be a cycle of ups and downs. I hope he cares, initiates if you let him know the importance of communication. My anger in these years has turned to hatred. I hate him down to his very core, hence I hate his guts. All these ups and downs, highs, then continuous let downs, not fun. Misery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 Maybe he is just dumb. Brilliant in academics, but dumb all around. He mentioned last weekend, this is what men dream of, a woman with all her own stuff, nice stuff, no need or seeking them for opportunity, is pretty much set, sexy, love nest, high mutual attraction. I have let him know the importance of communication at this meeting. After reveling in the fact he loves what we have, the jerk still lacks in all communication. He belittles me by doing so. I now feel he does it on purpose or he has very little to no interest in my emotional well being. Link to post Share on other sites
MayP Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 Sorry if I am confusing. Tell him the importance to you for verbal communications, you enjoy it. Then it is now up to him, if you are on his mind, he heard you, you enjoy verbal contact in a relationship, if after this he continues to not respond with active interest, one word sentences ect., he is not in it for anything but a sexual encounter. I refuse to be a f-buddy, hooker for some a**hole. None of this may apply in your situation. Not sure. Don't worry about it. You are sweet enough to chat up. Appreciate that. He has no means of sexual encounters We are long distance/ time difference. I will tell him those. Due to the nature of things, I know one party or the other will lose interest with time (I suspect him first). That's why maybe it doesn't matter, it will just die out. I know those up and downs alright...stupidity. From the way I see it, I will be "forced" to let go one day (eventual relief); while you... seems like you have balls in your court (he still wants that connection or sex you are thinking he is solely interested in). And what matters is how you are dealing with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 Well I sure made it surely permanently over. I was a bit drunk and wrote him an awful letter putting him down and his whole family. I am sure he hates me now as well! That is one way to go out, put down, bow, and exit. I wrote a follow up apology and crickets. There is nothing healthy in these pseudo relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
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