midwestgirl8429 Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) My bf and I have been dating for about 16mos. He recently has been staying with me for about 3 mos. Him and his wife have been separated for about 18mos. She has never had an interest in watching him play sports. She found out his schedule and has been at the last 3 games with her kids (ages 10&19) they have 4 kids. The first time, not in front of her kids she asked if my name was "jane". I said yes, and she kept asking me questions and I left. She knows darn well who I am. Then game 2, I had brought my kids and again she brough her kids (10&15). She had the nerve to bring up things in front of both my kids and hers/his..like u know I'm his wife and these are hid kids, I said, soon to be ex., Why are you here. You have no business being here. Asked my kids "so do you and mom come to the games often"? After the game she is yelling at him in front of both our kids and his son also flipped me off. She said u are coming home with us and not her. He told her no, and got a ride to my place from his teammate because he didn't want his 10yr old to see him drive away with me. She told me she will not let this divorce go thru no matter what. Then he spent the day at there house they own, where his kids live, with her being there. She said at game 3, how was your weekend? Nice I said. She yeah mine was too, we had a nice family afternoon together. He wasn't home until 1am..not the first time this has happened without letting me know what's going on. One time he spent the night and he wants to know why I ask questions.? Then he gets defensive. Edited July 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Whoa...so many red flags if I was you I would walk away until you saw his divorce appears... And please don't let her back around your kids, ever. And he should also stay away until he can be a positive role model..not so,done who brings drama to their lives...sorry, this sounds like a crappy situation 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Didn't really hear a question. Is this just a rant? Are you looking for support? Do you want someone else who is also "the other woman" to tell you that you are being done wrong? He is a married man. You have kids. Is this someone you want to have in their lives? What else are you expecting? His undying devotion and commitment? Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I don't think it was a good idea to move a married guy into your house when you have kids. That is just drama waiting to happen. Instead of worrying about her and her "nerve", focus on your kids. They are probably confused and questioning your judgment. Tell him to leave until his divorce is final. Tell him that as a single mom, you need to set a good example for your kids and shield them from his drama. I think your focus is in the wrong place, hopefully this was the wake up call you needed. Separated or not, his wife still feels some kind of ownership over him, and he is allowing that to happen. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 You keep calling them her kids, if they are his too the they are their kids. I point this out only to remind you of how complicated this situation is for all and refocus you on all of the kids. I agree, leave your kids out of this situation. He's a grown man, he needs his own place away from your children to sort through this. Good luck to you. Protect yourself and your children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 You keep calling them her kids, if they are his too the they are their kids. I point this out only to remind you of how complicated this situation is for all and refocus you on all of the kids. I agree, leave your kids out of this situation. He's a grown man, he needs his own place away from your children to sort through this. Good luck to you. Protect yourself and your children. Actually she did call them her/his kids in the first sentence, then referred to them as her kids later. I believe she simply did this to separate which kids she was discussing and you're reading more into it. Also, it's been 18 months. It's ridiculous to expect him to not move on to another relationship. I would have told his stbx to stay the hell away from me and my kids or she'd find herself in court being presented with a restraining order. Having said that, the last paragraph is of some concern. Family afternoons? Gone til all hours? I'd be checking in to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted August 10, 2014 Author Share Posted August 10, 2014 My mm has been living with me for the past months, we have been together for almost 16 months. He has been on an indoor volleyball league for a few years now, never has his W or kids ever gone to a game. He recently asked his children if they would like to meet him to watch him play. The 2 youngest did, however the W had to drive them as they live with her. She stared at me the whole game, and as I walked out of the gym, she asked me..are you (my name) who you here to see..etc. I didn't say much as her daughter was standing there. She was polite, however she showed up at the next game and she was very nasty..in front of her kids and mine. I spoke with her, which I should not have just walked away. She knows we have been together, but I think actually seeing me and confirming he has someone fueled her fire. She now shows up at his games, even when he isn't playing and stays. When he tries to spend alone time with his kids, she invites herself to join them. I have seen not so nice text about me to him..he doesn't respond. I'm not sure if I should be offended that he doesn't defend me but he says he doesn't want to start a war of words. I'm not sure how to deal with her? I understand when u love something or someone u fight for it, but it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 (edited) When is their divorce supposed to be final? Why doesn't he live on his own? How much money does he contribute to your place each month? Edited August 10, 2014 by 2sunny 1 Link to post Share on other sites
isolatedgothic Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 I feel as though this man knows his soon to be exwife better than you do, and he is supposed to love you [well, he's living with you, so I am going to go out on a limb and assume that he loves you], so rather than you jumping in the middle of things, let him deal with it. Even though she is coming at you, the wisest thing you can do is to not respond. This really isn't your fight. For whatever reason, their marriage has not worked, and it's on him to defend, protect, or back down. This is his battle. Let him do his job. You just sit back and watch. You will learn a lot by just quietly watching how he treats her, and how he handles conflict. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 The worse thing he can do is defend you right now...seriously. My ex did that on a few occasions and I think if I had a bat I would have beaten him. Regardless of who initiated the affair, you are viewed as the family wrecker, taking away the children's father, taking away life as she knew it. And on a personal level it is very crushing to the ego. If you have not been on the receiving end, you can't understand. He needs to deal with this. He really shouldn't have moved in with you right away...too convenient and from this view it was simply the safest and easiest landing for him. He needed to leave his wife, get his crap together, get divorced and then date you like a real man courts a woman. The ex could still be challenging but it would be a lot harder for her to have legitimate reason if he did things the right way. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 In an earlier thread you said MM had not filed for divorce and was spending time with his wife and children. If he still has not filed for divorce then you are not dealing with an ex but with his wife. The biggest step in dealing with this situation is MM getting divorced. Has he filed now and, if so, when does he expect to be divorced? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 His wife is marking her territory. Does she know you let him live with you? She may still feel he is hers since they are still married. Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 In an earlier thread you said MM had not filed for divorce and was spending time with his wife and children. If he still has not filed for divorce then you are not dealing with an ex but with his wife. The biggest step in dealing with this situation is MM getting divorced. Has he filed now and, if so, when does he expect to be divorced? Yes, I was just thinking the same thing as the previous poster....I remember your previous post. Isn't he still going over and spending time at their house? No wonder she doesn't think it's really over. As for how you deal with his "soon-to-be ex " I think the answer is with grace and humility .... remember, you took her husband and the father of her children away from their family 4 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 What did she say/do that was nasty the second time? What is his reaction when you're both there? Is he affectionate to you in front of her or does he keep his distance? Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 Yes, I was just thinking the same thing as the previous poster....I remember your previous post. Isn't he still going over and spending time at their house? No wonder she doesn't think it's really over. As for how you deal with his "soon-to-be ex " I think the answer is with grace and humility .... remember, you took her husband and the father of her children away from their family I disagree with this, but not for the reason you would think. How do I deal with it? I avoid my guy's ex like the plague. If she is taking her kids there, kindly step out of the equation and let her kids see their dad. And if he's still seeing her at her home, then he is sending her mixed signals and that's not right. But, I don't believe OP 'took' her husband. You can't steal a person. He made the choice to go. OP, stay in his life and be a couple if that is what you are, but it kind of seems like he is the one not setting boundaries here. That is what should be addressed, in my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 His wife may be thinking she's not going to be his ex. When is the divorce supposed to be final? Does she know he lives with you? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 After reading your other recent thread - it doesn't look like he's divorcing her. She's sending you clear messages that you are an unwelcome intruder. He follows suit - FOR HER. Do take care. I can't see this ending well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 (edited) I suspect that the real issue of the OP was sort of hiding under her actual question and post. Sounds like he hasn't filed for divorce and therefore the statement "it's over" is not true (the marriage is still very much not over). Plus he is still spending time with family/wife at their home. I think the real issue might be that her MM didn't actively defend her and given the above facts, that bothers her because she is (understandably) worried that the marriage truly is not over. I would agree that the moving in together was WAY premature. He needed to handle his end of things and be truly free before you ever began to think about living together. Jumping from one relationship to another is a recipe for disaster. Edited August 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 5 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Updated after reading your other thread... She not going to allow the divorce to happen. He appeases her - it looks like he's not being honest with either of you. He goes to her every time she pays attention to him - and chooses her over you. This is not a good situation you've gotten yourself into. Can you ask him to move right away? Link to post Share on other sites
Anna-Belle Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 I'm in a similar situation myself. I just finished reading "Dating the Divorced Man" by Christie Hartman, Ph.D. I can recommend it. It contains a lot of good tips for how to handle situations specific for dating the separated, divorcing or divorced man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 Sorry I haven't been online for awhile..was out of town. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 Yes divorce was filed but not sure how long it will take, she is fighting on everything. The few times her and I were in the same room, he didn't say much except that in public is not the time or place to discuss things..I agree. He does contribute some financially and does things around the house. The other day things got worse. She has been looking for info on me. She saw my Facebook page with a picture of him and I ..which I didn't check my privacy settings and was open to public. His oldest daughter and W, texted him and flamed him! She has threatened to come to the house, along with her kids. File a lawsuit against me. He went to dinner with his kids for his bday, W had text the 17 yr old daughter asked where they were at..she showed up. This morning he said he was a little irritated at me because I'm letting insecuritis come out and get to me. If I didn't answer everything, sorry. So many things to answer from several posts. Like I said I was out of town and I don't chk email, FB..etc when I vacation. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 My view on this is - if her behaviour is making you uncomfortable, ask him to deal with it / her. If he was firmer on boundaries, she would not be a problem. If she persists, despite his best efforts, I'd get some kind of restraining order that forbids her to come within any reasonable distance of you or him, with hangovers of kids happening through intermediaries (like school, etc) and his visits with the kids away from her house. It's perfectly possible for them not to have to interact at all. During his D, my H dealt with his xW only through his lawyer, and if the kids went to see her she had to pick them up from school or from an agreed place. It was far better for everyone. There is no need for you to have to put up with her immaturity and petulance. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Folks, since I had to remove nearly one fourth of the total posts which simply were a discussion of the thread starter not answering questions, here's your clue: They don't have to, nor do they have to return to our forum, ever. Hence, there's no topical reason to discuss such matters. Offer advice, ask questions, offer experience and move on. It appears the thread starter is back so respond as appropriate. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 My view on this is - if her behaviour is making you uncomfortable, ask him to deal with it / her. If he was firmer on boundaries, she would not be a problem. If she persists, despite his best efforts, I'd get some kind of restraining order that forbids her to come within any reasonable distance of you or him, with hangovers of kids happening through intermediaries (like school, etc) and his visits with the kids away from her house. It's perfectly possible for them not to have to interact at all. During his D, my H dealt with his xW only through his lawyer, and if the kids went to see her she had to pick them up from school or from an agreed place. It was far better for everyone. There is no need for you to have to put up with her immaturity and petulance. If he had firmer boundaries he would have not engaged in an affair. So...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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