MM broke it off with me OW : ( - Updated

[justmebev1]

Hi All! I love this site I wish there was an open chat that would help ALOT! Anyway, I have a lot to get off my chest I'm not sure I can even get it all in one post I will try. Please reply back would love your opinions.

 

I am married will be 25 years next week I have 2 daughters 19 (living with her bf) and 12 years old. At the 22 year mark of my marriage I decided I need another man to talk to. My husband and I have had an extremely turbulent relationship and I have always been more like a mother to him even though we are only 3 years apart. It was dysfunctional but then again aren't all of we in some way or another?

 

So I went on a flirt site (before all the scammers ruined them) and met a nice man who was recently widowed. We spoke awhile and then he told me he was not over his wife and did not want to continue talking. I was cool with that but there went my new found friend. So there was another man kept hitting me up and he wasn't my type I told my oldest daughter about it she said just talk to him, it will get your mind off the other one who wasn't ready

So I did!

 

His profile said HAPPILY MARRIED, NOT LOOKING TO CHEAT, JUST WANNA TALK. I was married at the time as well so I figured okay this is a good start. We texted and talked and we got along sooooooooo well. It was amazing how well we got along in all areas of life i.e. music, the way we grew up etc. So of course one thing lead to another and we wound up having an affair.

 

The affair was wonderful, we fell in love, deeply in love, and he kept reminding me he would not leave his wife because of his two children 13 and 11 the oldest has Aspbergers (high functioning). During this time, I had to come clean with my husband and a year into the affair I told him and he left. I continued to see the MM for the next two years. I guess always hoping in the back of my mind the longer it went maybe he would consider leaving for me.

 

He was the master charmer as I put it, has a gift of gab, great conversationalist and we felt as if we were husband and wife. He got down on one knee proposed to me gave me a ring a beautiful wedding band and i wore it faithfully. All during this time I still kept in touch with my husband and the MM kept brainwashing me with conversations like why are you talking to him why are you letting him come see you different things like that. He would call when my husband was home, he lived 3 hours away, he would come locally to me tell me to meet him not caring my husband was here and I allowed it I was in love with him and wanted to see him.

 

We texted every second of every day and talked in between. He came to see me every 2 weeks. He embedded himself in my life in every way he could, got involved with my family, my children, my friends, my fb everything, but I could never be involved with anything like that on his side. He gave me beautiful cards saying you truly r my wife, i could never see my life without you in it.

 

To make a very long story short, his wife recently found out through FB. He gave me a 5 min phone call said that they are trying to work things out and he would not be talking to me. I WAS SHOCKED. Some say why he told you all along, yes true, but he told me a lot of other things too like I mentioned. I knew he never would have the balls to leave but I thought SHE would have the balls to throw his ass out and he would come to me. WRONG. I text him he barely replies, and I'm just beside myself.

 

I think the worst part of it is how he took over my life (I know I allowed) he was so good at it and now I'm left with nothing and I don't know how to feel. I'm very very upset, I have trouble sleeping, I can't get used to not texting/talking to him. I feel it is completely one sided (his side) like it was all along. And how unfair it is that none of my feelings or my relationship with my husband, and children were taking into consideration.

 

Basically, I feel like a piece of **** being flushed down the toilet. And I told him all this in text even thou he does not write back. I have to get it out, I know he reads it.

[whichwayisup]

I knew he never would have the balls to leave but I thought SHE would have the balls to throw his ass out and he would come to me. WRONG. I text him he barely replies, and I'm just beside myself.

 

Not all throw their cheating spouses out and divorce them immediately.

 

Sounds like he threw you under the bus, many MM do this (and MW as well) to their affair partner when there is a D day (discovery of the affair by the betrayed spouse).

 

Forget him. Stop contacting him. He's chosen his wife and marriage over you. Any contact now just feeds his ego and prevents you from grieving and letting go of him.

 

You might want to re post this in the OW/OM section, you'll get more replies there.

[Friskyone4u]

That's what usually happens when you get caught. Don't know why you are so surprised. So now after destroying your marriage maybe you have learned a lesson.

Not too difficult . Stop dating married men and take responsibility for your actions instead of blaming your MM. He just wanted to have a side piece of ass and you provided the service.

I hope a lot of others read your thread because your results are the most prevalent not the happy conclusion the delusional thinking concludes

[justmebev1]

Thanks for the replies! I had never cheated on my husband before, he had many times and i forgave him and moved on, never forgotten but forgave. Our marriage was never the same after it the trust was gone and we just really existed after that.

 

Im curious what your thoughts are on staying for the children's sake?

 

Thanks!

[justmebev1]

I posted my story in a different thread. I'm the OW to a MM that just ended because his wife found out. Doesn't anyone believe anymore that love should conquer all. If you are truly in love with someone isn't that your answer right there. You can love two people at the same time (this I know) but you are in love with one. How do you just fall out of love? And, I'm so sick of hearing all the MM saying they stay for the kid's sake? What are your thoughts on that? When the MM says they are staying because of the kids? I think its a cop out/bull**** statement. And MY GOD are all the MM out there cowards? I wish we had an open chat room here. Do we and I don't know about it? If not, does anyone know of a different site where there is open chat about OW/MM? Thanks!

Edited August 10, 2014 by justmebev1

[purplesorrow]

I posted my story in a different thread. I'm the OW to a MM that just ended because his wife found out. Doesn't anyone believe anymore that love should conquer all. If you are truly in love with someone isn't that your answer right there. You can love two people at the same time (this I know) but you are in love with one. How do you just fall out of love? And, I'm so sick of hearing all the MM saying they stay for the kid's sake? What are your thoughts on that? When the MM says they are staying because of the kids? I think its a cop out/bull**** statement. And MY GOD are all the MM out there cowards?

 

Of course he is a coward. But you knew this from day one because he was willing to cheat instead of confronting his wife. Why did you expect him to stop being a coward? Perhaps, his wife feels like you that love should conquer all. If he loved you, he probably still does, maybe he just loves her more? He probably is staying for his kids, and his wife and his life with them. Sorry you are hurting, it is so sad to read this same story over and over.

[justmebev1]

Yes, I know the emotions women have when they fall in love are not the same as it is with men. Me and this man were soulmates I thought. We were always on the same level with everything. Yes, he can't find the ability to leave his house (which I personally don't think is worth much) kids, etc. We were together 3 years, I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me. Another thread someone answered me and said something very smart, they said stop texting him ur only feeding his ego. So true! I am going to stop as hard as it is, Im not getting the amount of feedback I want anyway. At this point I feel it is out of my hands its up to him and his wife to make it work, it will or it won't If I keep thinking that I just might be alright.

[OldRover]

It take two to tango.... both new he was married, neither told the wife, and probably neither wanted to. Why is the man any more of a coward than the OW?

 

Now,it the man made promises to the OW, and broke them, then he broke the promise.

[purplesorrow]

It take two to tango.... both new he was married, neither told the wife, and probably neither wanted to. Why is the man any more of a coward than the OW?

 

Now,it the man made promises to the OW, and broke them, then he broke the promise.

 

Umm because he is the one who is married to his wife! He is the coward.

[justmebev1]

I am married tooo, 10 years longer than he is, I have children as well, he encouraged me to get rid of my husband, so he could have me to himself, and I did, and now whatever me and my husband had left which wasnt much is completely destroyed. He did not do the same in return for me. Not that he said he would, but what bothers me the most is how selfish he was to create this hell hole for me just to enjoy himself and then when the **** hit the fan and she found out i was kicked to the curb. I cant even believe it.

 

He made sure he was in my life in every aspect he could, met my children, my brother, my friends, any game room or fb i was in he made an account and included himself. I thought he was truly trying to have and keep this relationship with me. He was very comfortable. I think he he pities his wife, he also feel he has to be the father of the year, the only man who refuses to leave his children? But, that was okay on my side that he every second of every day kept telling me why my children's father should not be here. Double standard all the way and I'm just totally pissed off.

 

I'm also seeing these things much clearer now without talking to him. I'm mad at him, mad at myself.

 

Plus, he never cared when my husband was living with me, he would call the house, text my phone, text my oldest daughter, anything he had to do to make sure he was number 1. Now that the shoe is on the other foot I'm cut off completely not to have contact with anyone. Well don't think I didn't blast his wife on FB with all his **** talk and all the terrible things he said about her and what he did to me and my family which he never considered a family like his probably to protect his own guilt from what he was doing to me. I have alot of anger because of he way he went about this and I also revengefully told him ur kids may not know now, and if your wife doesnt tell them when they get older, you can bet sure as ****, I will.

Edited August 10, 2014 by justmebev1

[MayP]

Reading what just happened to you is plain horrifying... To answer your question on another thread (my experience is mild and widely different from yours), but I believe NO- love does not conquer all. Yes, I think my guy likes me loves me to a certain extent. However he is not going to throw away his status quo, friends' perception of a wonderful marriage, chance in his kid's life and monetary issues. Love is not enough.

[justmebev1]

It is horrifying. I thought we were both on the same mental plain, he loved me with all his heart in words, actions, thoughts, cards, letters, songs. I'm very old fashioned like that and always thought love comes shining through. This time it just might prove me wrong. Thanks for understanding

[purplesorrow]

Do you know his wife? Why would you blast her?

[DKT3]

Reading what just happened to you is plain horrifying... To answer your question on another thread (my experience is mild and widely different from yours), but I believe NO- love does not conquer all. Yes, I think my guy likes me loves me to a certain extent. However he is not going to throw away his status quo, friends' perception of a wonderful marriage, chance in his kid's life and monetary issues. Love is not enough.

 

Nothing "happened" to her, she did this to herself. The thing that disturbs me about this story is she had her daughter involved with cheating on her father, that is, well...

[justmebev1]

No, I don't know his wife. I blasted her because I know he did not tell her everything and I wanted her to know. This man got down on one knee and gave me a wedding band and married me while he was married to her. There was many many things she needed to know that he did not tell her. Also out of pure anger.

[justmebev1]

I am open with my children about everything. My daughter's father is a verbally, emotionally, physically abusive person. My husband has told my daughter to her face she should have been his *** running down his leg instead of her being born. She doesn't even consider him her father. He has many mental health problems besides being an alcoholic and drug addict. Ask before you judge

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Now you want to stay with your husband for the children's sake? 19 and 12?

 

 

How about getting some intensive therapy and fix whatever is broken within you? Just a thought.

[purplesorrow]

No, I don't know his wife. I blasted her because I know he did not tell her everything and I wanted her to know. This man got down on one knee and gave me a wedding band and married me while he was married to her. There was many many things she needed to know that he did not tell her. Also out of pure anger.

 

I understand your anger but it was very misdirected. If you really wanted for her to just know, there was a way to do that privately and with compassion. At this point all you can do is pick up the pieces and move forward. I am sorry for your pain. Take care of yourself.

[DKT3]

Open is one thing, your simply setting a poor example for your girls and they will most likely repeat this behavior in their own relationships down the line.

 

Men simply don't get involved in affairs for the same reason or have the emotional investment. I wrote on another thread if your married man opened with and continued to use the line "hey I'm married, I'm never leaving my wife. I simply want to use you to feed and stroke my ego until it become and issue for me, then I'm going to dump you to deal with the wreckage" would you have still gotten involved? So they lie, telling you want you want to hear to keep getting what he wants from you.

 

Sadly these things all seem to follow the same pattern (even if every OW thinks her is so special so different). He will smooth it over with his wife, somewhat, then come sniffing around again soon to make sure your still under his control.

[jellybean89]

I don't understand why you would tell your daughter, who is only 19 now, that you are flirting and meeting men off the internet. You are married, yet you chose to involve a married man in your life. A married man who told you up front he was not leaving his wife.

 

You say you had hoped his wife would kick him out and he would come to you...so you are okay with a man only coming to you by default - because his wife kicked him out, not because he chose to leave?

 

You invited this drama into your life. You willingly chose to have an affair. I feel so sorry for your spouse, he deserves a life with someone who loves him. I have no idea how he can even be in your presence...you shoved your affair in his face. Does he know how much you want to be with the MM? Why haven't you divorced him yet? Do you encourage him to think you two will reconcile?

 

A very hard lesson learned...don't seek out affairs. Believe what you are told,that he wasn't leaving his wife. Stop setting your expectations so low. Stop allowing a man to control your life. And stop texting him...he told you he is done with you, BELIEVE him and leave him alone.

 

Have you thought of going to counseling to help you with why you felt an affair was a good idea and why you allowed a man who is married to "take over your life"?

[anika99]

What your husband said to your daughter was terrible. If that's the way your husband treated her on a regular basis and you say he was physically abusive as well, I kind of think your time would have been better spent protecting your children rather than involving them in your affair which is just another type of dysfunctional behavior.

 

 

As for the MM, he did tell you that he was never going to leave his family. I get that he told you a lot of things that contradicted that but did the two of you ever discuss what would happen if his wife discovered the cheating? You say you knew he wouldn't leave but you had hoped his wife would kick him out. Do you really want a man who choses you only because another woman kicked him to the curb?

 

 

Once he convinces his wife that the affair is over and things calm down he may contact you to restart the affair. If he's a good man at his core he will put a stop to all of the lying and cheating right now and for good. He has hurt a lot of people with his behavior, including you, but if he's selfish and self centered and doesn't care about hurting people, he will be looking you up again once the coast is clear. How will you respond when wants to start seeing you in secret again?

 

 

I'm sorry you are hurt. Perhaps this is the time to grieve not only the end of the affair but also the end of your marriage as it sounds like you never properly grieved that either. Since your husband was abusive and you and your kids took abuse from him for years, you and your children need counselling. Especially your kids. With the abusive father and the cheating mom, they are likely to have some serious relationship issues.

[jellybean89]

So why did you stay with an alleged abuser? Why did you subject your children to his abuse? I still think it is completely irresponsible to discuss your affair(s) with your daughter.why in the world would you think it is okay? Please don't use the "I am open with her" excuse. She is NOT your friend, she is your child. No matter what you think about her father, he is still her father and a part of her will always be seeking his love and approval. Parents have to remember kids are just that - kids (no matter the age). They are NOT your BFF nor your sounding board.

[justmebev1]

Yes, your right I did not have time to grieve for the loss of my husband the MM never gave me a chance too...was up front and center....and myself of course I'm not giving him total blame. The MM told me the whole time if his wife ever found out it would be instant divorce. I said you dont know that. He said yes he did and thats what she would do well he was WRONG.

 

I know of many many situations as mine that the OW did get what she wanted, HIM. I'm just not one those lucky ones. And, like you said he may come back after the smoke clears. I dont know about that thought cause now he thinks me and the wife are in cahoots and is paranoid thinks we are setting him up. Time will tell and heal all.

[justmebev1]

It took me 22 years to get away from him, which I am still happy for, we speak, the kids speak to him. They know he has many mental health issues and has a hard time dealing with it. They take him for who he is. My kids are nothing like me thank god, they are strong, and they don't take **** from anyone. And you are dead wrong anything I do does not go against them, they are stronger for it and making sure they do the opposite of mom. My daughter is 19 she is an adult not a child, and she has a relationship herself with a bf who she is living with and working 50 hr week. She is amazing!

[isolatedgothic]

My MM says he stayed all those years for his child, and now that said child is grown and married, he is staying because his FIL is ill, and he doesn't want to lose half his house and money in a divorce, and he wants to give his wife time to mourn when the FIL passes, and you know pretty soon there will probably be a grandchild who he has to stay for, and if I will ONLY be patient with him, this will all work out and I will get him as the prize. It's almost like waiting for death in order to inherit Heaven with the way he talks.

 

What everyone is saying here, that they [the MM] don't leave because they don't want to leave? It is the deep, dark truth. I know what I would do - and did - when I realized my marriage was over. No excuses. I filed papers. My child adjusted and saw a mom who didn't live a lie. The in-laws survived. Life went on. I was able to date freely and openly. No master plan, no mapping things out, no trying to control every last situation so that it all came out to my benefit. I filed papers and faced life head on, and I am the world's biggest scaredy cat.

 

If only these "unhappy" MM in the sexless marriages with the absent wives and the invested finances and the multiple excuses for every day of the week could do the same ... poor, poor them.