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I am a MW involved in EA with a MM. This started at work; he was my supervisor. He has since moved to another company (not because of me--he was looking for another job before we got involved). Since he left, we have had only email contact. For months, he emailed me nightly, sometimes many times a night. Recently, it is more of a once a day thing and sometime he goes MIA and then resurfaces without explanation after a few days. He often says we will get together for drinks, lunch, etc. but it never actually happens. I'm growing weary of this and I want to work on my marriage. At the same time, I care deeply for him and can't understand the hold he has on my emotions.

 

I'm 45 and have been married 20 yrs. --never cheated on anyone before, emotionally or physically.

 

My marriage wasn't perfect, but I was content enough until this guy turned my head. I wasn't that attracted to my husband anymore, but I loved him still. My husband is basically a good guy, good provider, good father, we had a solid marriage or so I thought. We've had some issues and there is some old baggage to deal with, but he's not abusive or a womanizer or alcoholic or anything like that. It's more like he's not been there for me sometimes and can be a little self-centered. But stuff that could be worked on, I think, if I'd spoken up more or demanded mc sooner.

 

It's like I lost my mind. I could think of nothing but OM for months and would have thrown it all away at a moment's notice to be with him.

 

I entered therapy soon after getting involved with OM, then went on low dose of antidepressants because it was all so hard to deal with. I mean this just isn't me and I knew what I was doing was wrong, even though we have never gotten physical with each other. I am still in therapy and trying to understand why I have allowed all this to happen and how to get healthy.

 

My husband and I have just entered marriage counseling, which seems to be helping to rebuild our connection and make me feel more attracted to him. DH has suspicions. He actually thinks I have had a physical affair which I can honestly deny.

 

Here is the worst part: the OM, despite being a very successful and upstanding citizen who is respected by many, is on his second marriage. He cheated on his first wife to be with the second wife. Second wife cheated on her husband to be with him. Many children involved. He has 2 children with first wife, child with second wife, and 2 stepchildren. To top it off, there's another affair rumor going around about him. He denies it but grapevine evidence is strong. (I know--why am I interested in him is the million dollar question. You'd have to meet him, I guess...)

 

I post all this to get feedback and advice. I don't want to be told what a creep and loser I am--plenty of guilt here already. I am still in contact with OM but trying to cut it back and keep it friendly and not intimate. I know the advice out there is to end it with NC but I am not ready to do that yet. He is actually someone I've known for many years prior to our working together. I just don't want to cut him off. I don't know why!!!! Anyone in the same boat? I still fantasize about being with him. I want to spend time with him, but it's not happening, and I know to get further involved would only create more havoc and pain eventually. Sometimes I think when I've truly had enough, I will be able to walk away. But I know I should not wait due to my marriage.

:(

Edited by Pinklotus
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whichwayisup

You need to tell your husband the truth about married ex boss. You cannot save your marriage and begin to fix it when you're holding back the fact you're wanting/lusting/fantasizing about someone else. That's a huge lie and it's impossible to reconnect with your husband while you're into someone else. Doing counseling with him is pointless, it's a waste of money and time since you're not invested in him emotionally.

 

No friendship can happen between you two, if you want your marriage to work, you gotta cut the cord and tell MM boss goodbye forever.

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I have thought of confessing but what stops me is that I'm afraid that DH would never believe that it wasn't physical. He has harped on some supposed pieces of evidence that made him think I slept with someone else, but I haven't so much as kissed another man, ever. He knows the OM and his history. I just don't think he'd ever believe that we've never had sex.

 

My therapist says that if I do not allow the affair to progress to physical contact and end it, I could in theory not confess because I didn't let it go beyond talking. There has been no sexting, btw.

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MuddyFootprints

Your husband has reason to be suspicious. Without the facts being presented honestly it is understandable that he assumes it is physical.

 

Marriage counseling won't help either of you without bringing everything into the open.

 

Nor will it help if you are still communicating with this other person.

 

He is a cancer to your marriage and must be removed from your life if you truly want to rebuild your relationship with your husband.

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Thank you both for your input. Just reading my post again makes me realize what a ridiculous situation I've allowed to evolve here. I used to scorn people who let their lives fall into disarray. I'm sure I'll be more compassionate in the future. At least I hope so.

 

My husband is extremely sensitive and anytime there is any conflict, he really has a tough time. It will take him days to recover from small tiffs. I just don't know how he'd deal with the ea even if there's been no physical contact. I worry that he will leave, or even become severely depressed. He has had depression in the past.

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whichwayisup

Your therapist is not a marriage counselor. A regular therapist looks out for the person only, a marriage counselor looks out for BOTH people in the marriage.

 

My therapist says that if I do not allow the affair to progress to physical contact and end it, I could in theory not confess because I didn't let it go beyond talking. There has been no sexting, btw.

 

You haven't ended it. You're still fantasizing about the MM. A lot! It would be different if you had totally ended it and was in no contact mode with him but you're not.

 

You have invested emotionally into another man, putting less effort into your own marriage and husband. You've detached from your H, he isn't in your heart nor mind much like the MM is. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

 

The above IS very damaging and your H probably knows something is up.

 

Confess and if need be, take a lie detector test to prove to him that your affair wasn't a physical one. But honestly, an EA can be just as damaging as in EA because of how you feel about MM. Make sense?

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Your therapist is not a marriage counselor. A regular therapist looks out for the person only, a marriage counselor looks out for BOTH people in the marriage.

 

 

You haven't ended it. You're still fantasizing about the MM. A lot! It would be different if you had totally ended it and was in no contact mode with him but you're not.

 

You have invested emotionally into another man, putting less effort into your own marriage and husband. You've detached from your H, he isn't in your heart nor mind much like the MM is. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

 

The above IS very damaging and your H probably knows something is up.

 

Confess and if need be, take a lie detector test to prove to him that your affair wasn't a physical one. But honestly, an EA can be just as damaging as in EA because of how you feel about MM. Make sense?

 

Hi--actually she is a MC. She has counseled me on all of the things that you have written. She would be seeing both of us, but I started seeing her first alone, so she said she could not see us both as it was a violation of certain professional ethics guidelines. Trust me she is very good and in no way is she trying to keep this ea going, she has counseled me to end it and advised me of all the negative ways it can impact a marriage.

 

At this point, I have started to feel that my feelings are changing...I am more invested in my marriage just since the two sessions we have had together. I am not fantasizing or obsessing over OM like I was, in fact I am feeling quite annoyed with his behaviors and realizing that my husband is a far better man. I am taking steps to distance myself. I don't email him as often, I never initiate the contact, I don't share intimate details of my life, and I don't flirt with him. I know that cold turkey NC is recommended, however.

 

The other thing...I am waiting for him to write me a job reference. :(

 

I will need it should I wish to change jobs someday. In my line of work, you cannot get an interview without it. Lame excuse perhaps and not the whole reason why I don't want to go NC, but it is part of the issue.

 

I think I also secretly fear that he will up the ante to the point where I feel I can't resist him if I reject him first. I know that sounds crazy.

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MuddyFootprints

You are giving this person far too much power over your life.

 

"I can no longer work with you. Please have my glowing letter of reference ready by the end of the week."

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Ive seen on this site often times alot of pressure to disclose to spouse.

This is a very personal decision to each person and should be made on your own.

I do believe in NC and found strength in it for healing.

How you approach this is YOUR choice.

Its very easy to fall into EA, very difficult to exit.

Put your best foot foward in your efforts, trust your gut, keep taking steps and follow the right path for you.

Its a hard position to be in. When the heart is involved its so hurtful to walk away and you're taking it a step at a time and following YOUR path.

This is what matters.

I have a wonderful amazing affectionate loving husband and I still fell into EA...its so difficult to understand my logic and supress those feelings.

Regardless of other opinions you know you best and will find the ways through this the best way you know how with support of your counselor and hopefully some less judgemental support here.

Do some independent reading on ea too.

Best wishes.

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MuddyFootprints

I had forgotten that you are no longer even working for him.

 

Skip that letter of reference. Just lose him.

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Thank you, Herself. I sometimes can't believe it, but here I am.

 

I have read a ton of articles about EAs, inc. excerpts from the Shirley Glass book. You're right, an EA is like falling into a net that immediately tangles you. It feels like a soft landing at first, but soon you are all wrapped up enmeshed in something that feels wrong and right at the same time.

 

I have also read some articles that say not to disclose because it just shifts the focus from solving the marital problems to the affair itself.

 

Anyway, I get so mad at AP sometimes and feel he is playing around, can't trust him due to his history, but at the same time, realize I'm really just as bad, even though this is my first offense. :(

 

 

 

Ive seen on this site often times alot of pressure to disclose to spouse.

This is a very personal decision to each person and should be made on your own.

I do believe in NC and found strength in it for healing.

How you approach this is YOUR choice.

Its very easy to fall into EA, very difficult to exit.

Put your best foot foward in your efforts, trust your gut, keep taking steps and follow the right path for you.

Its a hard position to be in. When the heart is involved its so hurtful to walk away and you're taking it a step at a time and following YOUR path.

This is what matters.

I have a wonderful amazing affectionate loving husband and I still fell into EA...its so difficult to understand my logic and supress those feelings.

Regardless of other opinions you know you best and will find the ways through this the best way you know how with support of your counselor and hopefully some less judgemental support here.

Do some independent reading on ea too.

Best wishes.

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I had forgotten that you are no longer even working for him.

 

Skip that letter of reference. Just lose him.

 

Correct, we do not work together anymore. I do need that letter though. And if he is a narcissist like my therapist suspects, I worry that he might take revenge somehow if I outright reject him. I don't think he is that type of narcissist, I think he is mixed up but not outright mean. But I worry about it. I never thought he would go MIA on me for days at a time either, but he did that just last week. So I just don't know.

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whichwayisup

Since he isn't there anymore, ask another supervisor or someone else higher up. Problem solved. You really don't need his glowing recommendation. Besides, if he knows you need it, he's going to play a game with you and take his time, so in the meantime just ask someone else in the office.

 

If you want this EA/ contact to stop, just stop. Block his email address this way you don't read anything he writes. You say you don't reach out first but do reply back to him afterwards. Tell him that you need to focus on your marriage and it's best to stop contact.

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MuddyFootprints

Except that the "...it's best to stop contact." part sounds flaky and unconvincing.

 

"I'm focusing on my marriage."

 

The End.

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All I hear in op's writing is "my feeling are more important then my husband, I don't love him enough to end this affair, or respect him enough to tell him"

 

No one can help you because you don't really want help, you want (in mt opinion) someone to make it seem better or you feel better.

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All I hear in op's writing is "my feeling are more important then my husband, I don't love him enough to end this affair, or respect him enough to tell him"

 

No one can help you because you don't really want help, you want (in mt opinion) someone to make it seem better or you feel better.

 

Not sure if you really read my post. Since I am in IC and marriage counseling, and taking steps to end the EA, I'd say I'm looking for help and not just trying to find people to make me feel better. Not sure what your background is, but it sound like maybe you're on the wrong board.

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Not sure if you really read my post. Since I am in IC and marriage counseling, and taking steps to end the EA, I'd say I'm looking for help and not just trying to find people to make me feel better. Not sure what your background is, but it sound like maybe you're on the wrong board.

 

 

Listen, the worst lie we tell are those we tell ourselves. All I hear is excuses.

 

I've seen thousands of stories and cases of affair, as well as dealing with an unfaithful wife in my own life. Truth is once you "WANT" to end it you will. Right now you feel guilt, but not enough to do the right thing. Maybe that means telling your husband, maybe it doesn't, maybe its leaving the marriage. What isn't the right thing is actively searching for a way to be with another man and dragging your husband along with lies and dishonesty as you fall back guy. How would you feel about the situation being reversed?

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whichwayisup
Listen, the worst lie we tell are those we tell ourselves. All I hear is excuses.

 

I've seen thousands of stories and cases of affair, as well as dealing with an unfaithful wife in my own life. Truth is once you "WANT" to end it you will. Right now you feel guilt, but not enough to do the right thing. Maybe that means telling your husband, maybe it doesn't, maybe its leaving the marriage. What isn't the right thing is actively searching for a way to be with another man and dragging your husband along with lies and dishonesty as you fall back guy. How would you feel about the situation being reversed?

 

Good post. And I'll add:

 

Suffering some consequences and facing/owning what you've done is how people really change.

 

What's to stop you from falling for another guy? Counseling can help a lot but you need to really be hard on "you" and make yourself accountable. If you want the EA over, make it over and promise yourself that you won't reply to his emails.

 

Your H deserves to know how you feel, maybe together you two can fix things and become closer. Affair proof yourself and your marriage.

 

Right now your H is in the dark. Doesn't he get a say in how the marriage goes? You chose to go outside of the marriage and get needs met, albeit not sexual, but still, relying on another man to fulfill something that is missing in you is a choice. Give your H the choice now.

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If you think your marriage has problems now , wait until you see what happens when you do take this to a PA, which will happen if you do not stop making excuses and get this guy out of your life. The fact that you are in therapy does not mean you are off the hook for what you are doing. Many people are still carrying on affairs and just lie to the therapist. I am not saying you are doing that.

You are the only one that can end this and straighten out your marriage. The fact that you are smart enough to know what you are doing is wrong makes it worse. Your husband suspects and let me tell you lies will be more damaging than the truth, especially when this guy eventually gets in your pants , which is all he wants.

If you do not love your his and any more divorce him and do whatever makes you happy. Stop using him for your comfort and security and give him the respect that you would want, to know the truth ,

And if necessary, offer to take the lie detector. He will probably NOT have you do it. Just the offer will do a lot to make him believe you are telling the truth.

Once you have sex with this OM, and you will if you do not stop this at once, your options get smaller

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I appreciate everyone's response. Can I just say that if this was as easy as saying no and going NC, there would be no need for this board or therapy.

 

All of the things you are saying are things I probably would have said before this happened to me.

 

Frisky--I am not taking this to PA. In fact I feel as though OM is trying to phase me out with this hot cold behavior. I'm tired of his games and I do love my husband. We have had our problems, as I said, but I think we can work them out in therapy.

 

DKT3--I can appreciate your take on this as a BS. But I do not see my husband as the fallback guy. I'm not feeling like the other guy is so great and my husband is not. It's the opposite now. I feel that I have dodged a bullet and I'm thankful that it didn't go to a PA. The OM has many stellar qualities but obviously fidelity is not one of them. It's a chronic problem for him and he has also admitted to me his emotional failings. He would never be there for me even if we got together properly.

 

I'm not using therapy to get off the hook or as an out, and I have been totally honest with my therapist. She knows the whole deal, she knows all about everything and is happy with the fact that I have made so much progress. When I started seeing her, I was head over heels blindly in love with OM. Trying to pursue a full-blown affair with him, trying to decide if I would really leave my husband for him. Now I am seeing him differently and realizing that my husband is a much better man, and summoning the strength to end this dysfunctional situation.

 

I sought this forum for advice but I don't think that insults from some of the posters are warranted. I can understand that some of you who have been betrayed get some satisfaction out of judging and being harsh, but it really doesn't help.

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I appreciate everyone's response. Can I just say that if this was as easy as saying no and going NC, there would be no need for this board or therapy.

 

All of the things you are saying are things I probably would have said before this happened to me.

 

Frisky--I am not taking this to PA. In fact I feel as though OM is trying to phase me out with this hot cold behavior. I'm tired of his games and I do love my husband. We have had our problems, as I said, but I think we can work them out in therapy.

 

DKT3--I can appreciate your take on this as a BS. But I do not see my husband as the fallback guy. I'm not feeling like the other guy is so great and my husband is not. It's the opposite now. I feel that I have dodged a bullet and I'm thankful that it didn't go to a PA. The OM has many stellar qualities but obviously fidelity is not one of them. It's a chronic problem for him and he has also admitted to me his emotional failings. He would never be there for me even if we got together properly.

 

I'm not using therapy to get off the hook or as an out, and I have been totally honest with my therapist. She knows the whole deal, she knows all about everything and is happy with the fact that I have made so much progress. When I started seeing her, I was head over heels blindly in love with OM. Trying to pursue a full-blown affair with him, trying to decide if I would really leave my husband for him. Now I am seeing him differently and realizing that my husband is a much better man, and summoning the strength to end this dysfunctional situation.

 

I sought this forum for advice but I don't think that insults from some of the posters are warranted. I can understand that some of you who have been betrayed get some satisfaction out of judging and being harsh, but it really doesn't help.

 

OP, I think that sometimes the advice from others on this forum CAN come across as harsh, but I also think it's because it comes from a place of experience. I think a lot of people recognize their own ( for lack of a better word) foolish behavior in other's situations, and it strikes a chord. They are basically telling you what they themselves know that they should do or wish they could do. There are also others who have been thru the grief and heartache these affairs cause, and are being blunt so that they can help someone avoid that misery.

 

And yes, there are those BS's here who have no other outlet for their anger and misery, so they come to to this board. And just as easy as it is for them to judge us, we could just as easily judge as to why they were cheated on (they are unattractive, nagging, no longer mentally, physically, or emotionally stimulating, etc). Instead of being judgemental, I choose to feel sorry for them.

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Pinklotus I do not think the advice to leave it, is as easy, easily said, but not easily done. We do not choose who we are attracted to. I can be in the presence and speak with 40 gorgeous men in one day, but does not mean I will be attracted to any of them. These affairs come from attraction, a pull that happens out of the ordinary. You cannot find or share interest and passion with everyone. I totally get you, your position, and the difficulty fighting off this interest, this attraction.

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The other thing...I am waiting for him to write me a job reference. :(

 

I will need it should I wish to change jobs someday. In my line of work, you cannot get an interview without it. Lame excuse perhaps and not the whole reason why I don't want to go NC, but it is part of the issue.

 

I think I also secretly fear that he will up the ante to the point where I feel I can't resist him if I reject him first. I know that sounds crazy.

 

Sorry, but that is an excuse. He doesn't work there anymore. He can provide a reference like any other former employers, but most work references are legally only required to answer:

 

Dates of employment

Position title

Eligible for rehire

 

Anything else could be considered a breach of employment laws. And depending on how long ago you worked for him, his reference may not be needed. And since you do not state that you are currently looking, there really is no need for a reference letter from him.

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OP, I think that sometimes the advice from others on this forum CAN come across as harsh, but I also think it's because it comes from a place of experience. I think a lot of people recognize their own ( for lack of a better word) foolish behavior in other's situations, and it strikes a chord. They are basically telling you what they themselves know that they should do or wish they could do. There are also others who have been thru the grief and heartache these affairs cause, and are being blunt so that they can help someone avoid that misery.

 

And yes, there are those BS's here who have no other outlet for their anger and misery, so they come to to this board. And just as easy as it is for them to judge us, we could just as easily judge as to why they were cheated on (they are unattractive, nagging, no longer mentally, physically, or emotionally stimulating, etc). Instead of being judgemental, I choose to feel sorry for them.

 

Thank you, I agree. I don't think people on the "other side" always realize that the pain of a WW is also real. True, I don't know their pain, either, but I can vouch for the fact that I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I'm in therapy and on antidepressants as a result of all this. My therapist says she treats good people everyday, and 99% say they never thought they'd be in this position. I mean I'm in my 40s and never thought I'd be involved with anyone else, ever.

 

But I feel I am getting closer to ending it. He emailed me last night and I've not responded yet. And my husband isn't even home tonight, so it would be very easy to communicate. I guess that's progress...

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