LovelySweet Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Hi. Affair has been tumbling round and round, on and off going on 4 years. I feel deeper emotions are developing and not sure how to sway them away. He will never be mine. Does anyone have suggestions to hamper feelings besides thumping head on a hard wall? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChasingHope Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Hi. Affair has been tumbling round and round, on and off going on 4 years. I feel deeper emotions are developing and not sure how to sway them away. He will never be mine. Does anyone have suggestions to hamper feelings besides thumping head on a hard wall? The only thing you can do is to remove him from your life completely. You know he will never be yours, so continuing to put yourself in a situation where your emotions will grow and deepen will only lead to greater heartache. Take my advice, because I have been there--you may not be happier right this minute by cutting him off, but you will be MUCH happier in the long run, and probably sooner rather than later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 5, 2014 Author Share Posted August 5, 2014 Thank you for the reply. I have been deeply depressed today. When we first were together, emotions were put off the table, but now he is giving me what is to be expected in a healthy relationship, the emotions, feelings, long talks. He has always known this was important to me, I have never pushed the issue. This change has confused me. I can handle it, the affair rationally, but it is still painful that we will never be able to enjoy this and more in a normal fun way. Link to post Share on other sites
ChasingHope Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Thank you for the reply. I have been deeply depressed today. When we first were together, emotions were put off the table, but now he is giving me what is to be expected in a healthy relationship, the emotions, feelings, long talks. He has always known this was important to me, I have never pushed the issue. This change has confused me. I can handle it, the affair rationally, but it is still painful that we will never be able to enjoy this and more in a normal fun way. Being in a relationship with someone who can't give themselves to you fully isn't a healthy relationship. And the reason he can't give himself to you is because he has all ready given himself to another person. And seriously, no judgment, because I s had an A with a married man, but.....this is not "normal". He will end it if you don't. Probably not today, or next week, but he will do it--because he will see that you have become invested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 5, 2014 Author Share Posted August 5, 2014 (edited) Yes, all you have mentioned is true, this may factor into my depression. I am not invested, I do know better. I am not so sure if he would leave because of that, we have had many uproars (we have never bickered or fought), big Dday, falling outs, but we come together again. Edited August 5, 2014 by LovelySweet Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 by saying you know he wont be yours you accept that the feelings are not right for you to have dont act on them, if you accept them but dotn act on them to me it makes it easier to handle...... when i develop feelings fro soemone they are normally reciprocated in the first place if they are nto reciprocated or cant move anywhere i just accept them and move on with my life......i dont act on them i dont interfere with what will be or interfere in others lives that is detrimental to them and the comfortability....i just move through those feelings....i have come to accept that when i develop feelings theres a reason why i have......if they stay theres a reason for that too... i dont question my heart..and how hard i feel for someone i just deal with it....i throw them up to god and say .....i dont know why but you do god so help me here.....i really need you to help me.... .......and i pray for god to give me strength and he does........i dont develop feelings for married guys...my heart has firm convictions in regards to marriage and people who take their vows ...i take that covenant seriously....and its a turn off for me a distance thing with my heart....defined boundaries wont be broken...............but i understand that you have and whether married or not ....they are your feelings....just dont act because you wouldnt want them acted upon if it were you who was married to that guy so consideration of others and their feelings also helps...... and accept them for beign there for a reason......in time they may fade away and you will understand it was preparation fro you feeling for someone else who will be yours and only yours..... .....i wish you well.......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 Thank you for advice and replies. My thoughts are that it is usual in longer term relationships that one or the other will begin to give less and less. The less could be a variety of things. I am not delusional in that I think all is outstanding and roses. But I am surprised that it seems to progress more and more with time, on his side. Small things such as the use of the words Us instead of me, you, and I. Thanks. And thank you todreaminblue for the best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 7, 2014 Author Share Posted August 7, 2014 After feeling swept back into the dysfunctional cycle of an affair, reading here has helped. After reading posts, this thought occurred to me, write a list of things MM does for his wife, but not for you, and well, the answer is EVERYTHING. He does everything for her, and absolutely nothing for you. He is mindful of her thoughts, feelings, schedule, future, well being, happiness, this all being compartmentalized separated from the fact he is cheating on her. In the OW's box, nothing except empty nothing's, dust. If he cared for me, he would be mindful of my future, what his occupying these empty years is taking emotionally and soundly from my future. If he loved me, he could not fathom my being unwell in future and life. The fact is he does not care. Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl46 Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 no, he doesn't care. he makes you think he cares, then he gets his rocks off, and goes back to his happy family. vacations, birthdays, small talk on the couch after a tiring day...she gets the lovely moments we'll never have. we don't exist after the c*m. it helps to get angry and realize that you are probably making him even MORE happy and fulfilled in his marriage...while you crumble emotionally by yourself, with no one to lean on. it helps to realize he's a selfish prick who really couldn't care less about you. time to get out of the soul sucking cycle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 7, 2014 Author Share Posted August 7, 2014 So graphic, but yes, read your posts, he sounds despicable. I feel for you and am sorry you experienced such a disgusting experience. There are feelings on both sides in my relationship with MM. He came back after a huge D day, and much more turmoil, big risks. I have certain expectations and he knows this and has mentioned I deserve much more and he wishes much more for me. But as in many affairs, the action is stagnant. I am depressed by this and well just sad. I made my bed in all this and have to either make the decision to keep undermining myself or just go NC. It is difficult. Waivers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 After feeling swept back into the dysfunctional cycle of an affair, reading here has helped. After reading posts, this thought occurred to me, write a list of things MM does for his wife, but not for you, and well, the answer is EVERYTHING. He does everything for her, and absolutely nothing for you. He is mindful of her thoughts, feelings, schedule, future, well being, happiness, this all being compartmentalized separated from the fact he is cheating on her. In the OW's box, nothing except empty nothing's, dust. If he cared for me, he would be mindful of my future, what his occupying these empty years is taking emotionally and soundly from my future. If he loved me, he could not fathom my being unwell in future and life. The fact is he does not care. Not arguing you are right but it occured to me...the A relationship isnt set up for that. Theres no vows or commitment to do these things and the decision to enter that type of A relationship has got to come with thst understanding. Hes not entering it to be responsible for feelings and to have a whole other persons wellbeing on his plate...hes entering it for no strings fun, sex, to feel wanted and desired. It seems to me the A partner initially sees a chance to live out some unrealized dirty fantasies, to find a window of being someone else temporarily and without the seriousness and obligation. I feel many mistake these men dont love the wife any more...but it really in my opinion that he DOES truly love his wife and family and the sound life but he still desires darker funner young love sex...he wants both...with no pricetag. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 7, 2014 Author Share Posted August 7, 2014 No, you are rational and correct in what you wrote, but he knows I have always expected more since the beginning. It may sound cliche, we have been through so many ups and downs and survived these. His wife knows of me and has told him she would absolutely leave him if he ever speaks or sees me. This is all so dysfunctional. I cannot believe I allowed myself to live this life. He and I click, so comfortable, natural, similar to the feeling that you have known someone since grade school. Yes, I need a reality slap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 I sent a rash of not so nice emails to MM, he wanted to meet. He came over, I mentioned my expectations, how effortless they were, he still refused to comply and give me contact between meetings. I told him I could not continue. He asked if I wished him to leave, I said that was fine, but he would not leave. We sent most of the night together, talked alot about our situations, family, ect. I feel weird about not seeing him again and us breaking up so casually and nicely. He hoped the best for me in life at our final hug, parting. I feel sad, but I just cannot let go of my expectations and the point that I was never that important to him to take the risk and give me effort with emotion, and more communications. He will most likely search for another partner, and I will be replaced, but I just have to move forward and not think of him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Another partner? I thought he is married, no? Or you mean he's going to search another OW? I sent a rash of not so nice emails to MM, he wanted to meet. He came over, I mentioned my expectations, how effortless they were, he still refused to comply and give me contact between meetings. I told him I could not continue. He asked if I wished him to leave, I said that was fine, but he would not leave. We sent most of the night together, talked alot about our situations, family, ect. I feel weird about not seeing him again and us breaking up so casually and nicely. He hoped the best for me in life at our final hug, parting. I feel sad, but I just cannot let go of my expectations and the point that I was never that important to him to take the risk and give me effort with emotion, and more communications. He will most likely search for another partner, and I will be replaced, but I just have to move forward and not think of him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 (edited) Another partner? I thought he is married, no? Or you mean he's going to search another OW? Find another OW. It has been 3 years that we have been together, and I am still raw, sad. We have developed a deep trust, he just started to talk deeply about his family, his issues, but I have a hard time with all we been through, ups, downs, dday, years his stubborn nature...I just had to let go, it became too stressful for me. I can be stubborn as well. Edited August 17, 2014 by LovelySweet typo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Would you continue if he did start complying with your expectations? I think he might change his mind once he starts feeling the loss of you not being in his life anymore. Is it really that easy for a MM to find a new OW? And if it is, do they adjust what they did before so that the new one doesn't end it too? For example, you want contact between meetings, that's a reasonable request. The new OW would want that too, so would he do that now with her since he learned that not doing it could end the A? If he would just do that with you, he wouldn't need to find a new OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelySweet Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 Interesting question. I am hurt, but at the same time strangely comforted in my decision because to me, if a guy really cares he will do what makes his girl happy. So I feel I was not important enough to him. If he does find another woman, easy in that he is prominent, nice looking, ect., and he does do for her what he would not for me, then he obviously cares for her more to do so than me, so why would I want him after that. Link to post Share on other sites
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