How often does the affair turn into a true relationship?

[yxalitis]

Just curious...

 

I know of one example, my ex-wife's ex flatmate started seeing a MM.

He left what sounded like a completely non-compatible wife for her, and from all accounts had a successful relationship after.

 

But really, how often does that occur?

 

I guess there are three types of affairs.

 

One: The fling, a purely sexual based attraction, where boredom and the quest for variety and spice lead to an affair.

 

Two: Unhappy relationship. Like my example (see my other threads for a disturbing look into my mind), some people just don't know how to break up with a long term partner, and think if they can find someone else it'll be easier

 

Three: The spark. Two people find each other incredibly attractive and compatible, the fact that one, or both are in a relationship already doesn't deter them from following their hearts.

 

This last type, the most "pure" affair is the one most likely to last, the first and second may also involve this spark, in which case thy too my develop beyond a simple dalliance, but are otherwise unlikely to survive.

 

Thoughts?

[bentleychic]

Not very often.

 

People will throw statistics at you and tell you their experience, but ultimately, the answer is truly "not very often".

[DKT3]

Roughly 4% of affairs turn into marriage. 83% of those marriages end within 2 years.

 

Trust issue

[Red123]

Roughly 4% of affairs turn into marriage. 83% of those marriages end within 2 years.

 

Trust issue

 

Go figure:)

[goodyblue]

Mine did. We are very happy and doing well.

[Hope Shimmers]

Roughly 4% of affairs turn into marriage. 83% of those marriages end within 2 years.

 

Trust issue

 

Hi DKT3, can you tell me the source of your percentages?

 

I'm usually not great with throwing out percentages unless they are really relevant to the total population as a whole, so I'm curious, not that it means you are wrong. I have found that lots of 'research' in this topic isn't really research and isn't really generalizable. I don't know if that is the case here or not.

[waterwoman]

Can you really categorise relationships of any kind into three types? There are too many factors to take into account. An affair might be 3 but with elements of 1. It might start out as 1 and end up as 3. It might be 2 but then the affair kickstarts improvements in the marriage and the affair grinds to a halt. It might be a 1 but with an emotional connection rather than a sexual one.

 

And in the end does it matter? If it lasts it lasts, if not so be it. You can't second guess.

[Journee]

II can name four from the inner and outer circles of my life. These are only the one's where the A was made public I guess. It's hard telling about any others because most people don't volunteer that information I imagine.

 

I really don't know what the stats are on these things. I know I've seen failed relationships of all kinds. All varieties.

 

 

Just like I can't take stats on reconciliation to heart because it's so individual and only a sampling.

 

I guess it's all a gamble at some point.

[USMCHokie]

My SO dated her affair dude for four years after her divorce...

[DKT3]

Hi DKT3, can you tell me the source of your percentages?

 

I'm usually not great with throwing out percentages unless they are really relevant to the total population as a whole, so I'm curious, not that it means you are wrong. I have found that lots of 'research' in this topic isn't really research and isn't really generalizable. I don't know if that is the case here or not.

 

Comes from several different studies. All of them range between 3% and 6%.

 

And yes I agree that so often "experts" just toss numbers out and expect everyone to believe it because their name is followed by PhD.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Depends what you consider a true relationship, some people classify those as a 6 month or one year thing...but how likely is it to last the rest of your lifetime? I'd say not very likely at all, because it's a helluva way to start the "new relationship".

 

But I think people are merely finding ways around the marriage and commitment thing, once they get tired of their relationship they need a good reason to leave their other...so they use this new person as a scapegoat...what happens in that relationship after the excitement and butterflies all simmer down is in ways a similar situation that the person left...because the "relationship" really starts to kick in at 3 or 4th year, and that's when people generally are snapped out of it.

 

Even if the statistics were 99 percent failure, 99 percent of people will still believe they are the 1 percent...that's how the world, no matter what the odds are, people always believe they are the exception to the rule anyway so it doesn't really matter what statistics say, people live in their own little worlds regardless.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My former boss had an affair with a colleague (who was also married with 3 kids)... They have both been married for over 20 years. They have both ended up leaving their partners for each other. They have been together for over 2 years now and from what I hear still going strong.

 

While that story may sound good, it later came to light that he had more affairs prior to this one but didn't leave his wife for them. I can't help but think that once the novelty of that R wears off, he will be back at it again. I am not sure of her history.

 

I still think this is the major exception.

[No Limit]

Someone in another forum made the math for that.

The chance for an affair to turn into a true relationship that is long-lasting/life-lasting and doesn't include infidelity on either ones' part is something like 0.9%.

 

So think twice whoever wants to kick his family to the curb for third-rate sex.

 

@Eternal Sunshine

If it took that guy 20 years to leave his old marriage, it will take him a little bit of time until he leaves that one.

A bit more than just 2 years, definitely.

[joystickd]

Depends on the gender of married person. Usually OWs push for a relationship while OMs usually dont, but that depends on the situation. I will say from experience if you are looking for a relationship it's best to find it with a single person. Married people often have too much baggage that is still fresh to have a normal healthy relationship. Complications can be too much for someone actually desiring a normal relationship. Honestly who would want someone that has a clear history of cheating. The values they have about a relationship are warped. Usually as an OM or OW you only get one side of the story and a lot of times you will be surprised about the true character of this person you are with.

[Got it]

I always love the throwing around of stats. Spoken with such conviction!

 

I have never cared for what others do/did, so can only speak for myself. We did, we both divorced, we are married now, and if I dare say, doing pretty darn fine!

 

Shockingly there have not been any real trust issues, communication issues that are addressed and resolved, and continuing to hone our conflict resolution skills. We are a work in progress and we do not view our relationship outside of what happened yesterday and how we can build on it for today. It is a fluid organic entity so must be nurtured daily. How does one define "success" in a relationship? It isn't perfect, it isn't always happy, it isn't always easy. But it is always important to the two of us. So that works for me.

[DKT3]

You don't have to agree with stats, as I've said before people tend to disbelieve when they aren't in their favor.

 

Facts are, yes FACTS, are that an affair turned relationship will end more likely then not. Of course few will endure. No one is saying that it doesn't happen. However what lead to the affair are likely the same things that will end the relationship. Wayward, selfish mindsets. In any relationship there will be a honeymoon stage about 2 years, after that is when the real test begins. You can make any relationship work, however if one had the foritude to do that then the odds are they wouldn't find themselves in an affair, that not meant as a direct attack at anyone.

 

As a poster said before EVERYONE believes they are the exception to the rule, their relationship is different. And some are (4%) for the other 96%.....well?

[2.50 a gallon]

Stats lie. The same stats say that divorce rate is at 50 percent. The truth, is it is more like 75 percent if not higher, beginning with the baby boomer generation. Out of hundreds, if not a thousand couples I have known over my life time, there are but a handful who are not divorced. And contrary to the stats, those that have lasted the longest are on their second marriage, where they married their affair partner.

[Allumere]

Personally I think hearing the low percentages only helps those who have been blindsided by an affair. Reality is the same as rebound relationships.....they do work out and some do live happily ever after. I know unfortunately several affairs (sorry, affairs just make me sad) that have gone on to marriage and most of those have made it past 5 years.

[Got it]

You don't have to agree with stats, as I've said before people tend to disbelieve when they aren't in their favor.

 

Facts are, yes FACTS, are that an affair turned relationship will end more likely then not. Of course few will endure. No one is saying that it doesn't happen. However what lead to the affair are likely the same things that will end the relationship. Wayward, selfish mindsets. In any relationship there will be a honeymoon stage about 2 years, after that is when the real test begins. You can make any relationship work, however if one had the foritude to do that then the odds are they wouldn't find themselves in an affair, that not meant as a direct attack at anyone.

 

As a poster said before EVERYONE believes they are the exception to the rule, their relationship is different. And some are (4%) for the other 96%.....well?

 

Except stats AREN'T facts per say.

 

If we following that line of thinking, romantic relationships will end more times than not. Doesn't sound like great odds to get into romantic relationships now does it?

 

And no you can not make ANY relationship work, not in a healthy, functional manner. If it is just about allowing a relationship to limp along for the sheer sake of being together than have at it but that is not successful in my book or anything I care to be involved in.

[Got it]

Personally I think hearing the low percentages only helps those who have been blindsided by an affair. Reality is the same as rebound relationships.....they do work out and some do live happily ever after. I know unfortunately several affairs (sorry, affairs just make me sad) that have gone on to marriage and most of those have made it past 5 years.

 

There is no such thing as happily ever after outside of fairy tales and fantasies. Number one fallacy about ANY relationship.

[Allumere]

There is no such thing as happily ever after outside of fairy tales and fantasies. Number one fallacy about ANY relationship.

 

a) The term is not meant as an absolute

b) I have been around the block a few times so very, very aware but I have enough examples of couples that have been together 30 or more years to know that you can still be very much in love and still have romance that far down the road....it just takes a lot of work, respect,mindful actions, and "I forgive you"

c) we never know what goes on within a relationship regardless of origins, I can only point to the fact that the couples are still married, have had children together, and are engaged in social activities together.

[WrinkledForehead]

We're 10 months post-A. Last month was tough and we almost didn't make it. Time will tell what the future holds.

[Sub]

There is no such thing as happily ever after outside of fairy tales and fantasies. Number one fallacy about ANY relationship.

 

Depends on what you consider "happily", I guess. We've all heard it before: no relationship is perfect or without its' warts. But I know of a lot of very happy couples who've been together for a long time. Just last month my parents celebrated their 50th anniversary. And they're not trademarked by Disney.

[DKT3]

Stats lie. The same stats say that divorce rate is at 50 percent. The truth, is it is more like 75 percent if not higher, beginning with the baby boomer generation. Out of hundreds, if not a thousand couples I have known over my life time, there are but a handful who are not divorced. And contrary to the stats, those that have lasted the longest are on their second marriage, where they married their affair partner.

 

That just flat out wrong. 2nd marriage fail at a much hugher rate.

[MissBee]

I always love the throwing around of stats. Spoken with such conviction!

 

I have never cared for what others do/did, so can only speak for myself. We did, we both divorced, we are married now, and if I dare say, doing pretty darn fine!

 

I like Bentleychic's answer most as she said people will give their experience and stats but really "not often" seems the simplest and most accurate answer. People will argue about the validity of a particular numerical figure or give their personal experiences but I think the question of "how often", which is what the OP seemed curious about, is best answered with some response that takes into account a general trend, which is often what stats do. I like Bentley's answer as well because this is obviously not the first, neither will it be the last that people argue figures and stats re affairs, and my response is always I have no clue what the numerical figure is but what I will wager is that whether it is 3% or not, it's not an overwhelming majority or a large figure. So say it's not 3%...would 8% make a big difference, 18? I don't really think the figure itself matters so much as knowing whether it is more or less common/likely.

 

One thing I've been vocal about and think is relevant here is understanding what the mean is and where you fall...in any situation. I don't think people should live and die by stats, that's not what they were ever designed for, but they do help in the fields in which they're used to forecast and make predictions and see trends. We're all individuals but what it does help you gauge is what is most common so you have some idea of what to expect. Doesn't mean you can't be an outlier but having some sense of "how often" or some kind of general trend is good info to have and prepare yourself with IMO. After knowing that if the odds aren't in your favor, you can still take a gamble and it just may work out for you. Certainly, with relationships people are more likely to throw caution to the wind and bet on hope and love anyway, so regardless of the figures people will do what they want to do and they will either be a part of the rule or the exception.

Edited July 31, 2014 by MissBee