You are all going to think I'm crazy

[yxalitis]

So I've moved in with the on-again off-again girlfriend, and she's started seeing the ex again after 6 months.

 

I know he doesn't know about me.

 

Yes, I should just leave, but I want to do one thing first.

 

I want to let him know she's living with me, as bf/gf, (or at least suspect strongly).

WITHOUT:

Her knowing or even thinking I told him.

Him knowing it was me who told him.

 

HOW?

 

What way can I let him know she's living with me, sleeping with me, without either knowing it was me who told him.

 

OK< the most likely response I'm, going to get is:

 

ARE YOU F'ING CRAZY DUDE..JUST GO!!!

 

Of course I'm going to go, but right now I live with her, and I have to find a new place, save money for furniture and bond etc, and whilst I'm doing that, I want to see what happens if he finds out.

Remember, this time I'm the BF, and HE's the OM.

 

MAN, YOU NEED HELP!

 

Probably, but if amongst all those responses someone as crazy as me could give me some ideas?

 

I have his mobile, email address, I know where he lives...etc

 

There must be someway to pass info to him in a way that doesn't seem like it came from me.

 

Thanks

[CarrieT]

You sound like a 14-year old girl, drama queen at all.

 

 

What will this serve?

[pteromom]

I know where he lives.

 

There must be someway to pass info to him in a way that doesn't seem like it came from me.

 

Put a note on his car window?

 

But yes I think you are being crazy, and yes I think you are creating needless drama.

[MissBee]

Why do you want him to know so badly?

 

And also why do you want it to be anonymous?

 

If she's cheating on you with him and I assume she was once cheating on him with you...maybe he, like you, knows but doesn't care one bit. Are you sure he doesn't know or maybe he knows but doesn't care?

 

I don't think there is any way for him or her to not know you told though. Is anyone else in your lives involved in this drama? It seems like the group of participants are super small and thus narrowing down who told would easily lead back to you.

[yxalitis]

Why do you want him to know so badly?

 

And also why do you want it to be anonymous?

 

If she's cheating on you with him and I assume she was once cheating on him with you...maybe he, like you, knows but doesn't care one bit. Are you sure he doesn't know or maybe he knows but doesn't care?

 

I don't think there is any way for him or her to not know you told though. Is anyone else in your lives involved in this drama? It seems like the group of participants are super small and thus narrowing down who told would easily lead back to you.

Yes, I think this is true, there is no common ground where a legitimate third party could be involved.

 

Oh well, guess I'll just move out when I can.

[yxalitis]

You sound like a 14-year old girl, drama queen at all.

 

 

What will this serve?

 

She needs to stop seeing him, even when I go, this guy is no good for her.

He needs to stop wanting her, chasing her.

If she doesn't have the willpower to stop, I want him to know so HE stops.

[USMCHokie]

Both of you guys have a real winner on your hands...

[yxalitis]

Both of you guys have a real winner on your hands...

 

I know...right?

 

This girls has serious issues, she had an awful event happen when she was 14 that scared her for life.

 

She has a promiscuous past that she denies utterly (I only had 3 boyfriend ever), but she had at least a dozen lovers in the span of 18 months. (They keep texting her, it's pretty obvious!)

 

My problem is that I'm "attracted to broken things" as my friend put it.

 

I really want to help her, she needs to get away from this worthless guy.

 

Yes, she should be able to do it all by herself.

But evidently, she can't.

[CarrieT]

She needs to stop seeing him, even when I go, this guy is no good for her.

It is her business, not yours.

 

He needs to stop wanting her, chasing her.

You can't control other people.

 

If she doesn't have the willpower to stop, I want him to know so HE stops.

Not your business.

 

She has a promiscuous past that she denies utterly (I only had 3 boyfriend ever), but she had at least a dozen lovers in the span of 18 months. (They keep texting her, it's pretty obvious!)

So? It is HER past to deal with - not yours.

 

My problem is that I'm "attracted to broken things" as my friend put it.

 

I really want to help her, she needs to get away from this worthless guy.

You want to fix things that are out of your control. You can't fix her - she has to fix herself - IF she chooses to.

 

Yes, she should be able to do it all by herself.

But evidently, she can't.

Again, this is HER issue and you shouldn't be so worked up over it.

[Eau Claire]

OP this woman does not have the biggest issue, you do.

[yxalitis]

OP this woman does not have the biggest issue, you do.

 

Probably...

[Lani]

Just get your friend to pass him a note in class.

[whichwayisup]

Own your part in this. Why are you afraid of telling the truth and not wanting to suffer consequences? Tell and face the music.

[yxalitis]

Own your part in this. Why are you afraid of telling the truth and not wanting to suffer consequences? Tell and face the music.

 

Oh I'll tell him once I move out, don't you worry.

But I'm living with her now, the "consequences" would involve a lot of misery being stuck in the house with her, after she realised I told him.

 

She told me a while ago that she doesn't want him to know I've moved in, as she didn't want to hurt him (In it's own, if she was faithful and honest, that's OK, I can understand that).

When I confronted her with the evidence, she went ballistic, she is very uncomfortable with her guilt, having me do that would create chaos in the house, her niece lives with her, it wouldn't be fair on her.

Edited July 29, 2014 by yxalitis

[bathtub-row]

You could probably get a friend of a friend to 'mention' it to him. Not sure if that'll work or not. You could be at a place where he is at the same time, with your arm around her.

 

Just be careful that he'll really start going after her once he finds out he has competition. That could happen.

 

From where I'm standing, it seems to me that your GF and her ex are still bonded in some way. As someone else said, she is broken and she will not be fixed unless she wants to be. The more you try to fix the situation, the more it's likely to backfire on you.

 

YOU trying to decide what is best for HER is a waste of time. If she's determined to dive into hell, there's nothing you can or should do about it. When you drop all the competitive stuff and just decide to be who you are, to walk away from her because it's not working, etc., you'll be in a much better place emotionally.

[yxalitis]

You could probably get a friend of a friend to 'mention' it to him. Not sure if that'll work or not. You could be at a place where he is at the same time, with your arm around her.

 

Just be careful that he'll really start going after her once he finds out he has competition. That could happen.

 

From where I'm standing, it seems to me that your GF and her ex are still bonded in some way. As someone else said, she is broken and she will not be fixed unless she wants to be. The more you try to fix the situation, the more it's likely to backfire on you.

 

YOU trying to decide what is best for HER is a waste of time. If she's determined to dive into hell, there's nothing you can or should do about it. When you drop all the competitive stuff and just decide to be who you are, to walk away from her because it's not working, etc., you'll be in a much better place emotionally.

 

Wow, that's actually...really good advice!

 

I am leaning more and more towards simply finding a place, and leaving, ne mess, no fuss, no fighting.

I could even keep seeing her casually for sex, but start to find my own way in life, and a decent, not-broken partner.

The funny thing is,. it makes no sense that;s she back with him (I'm 99% sure, but have no definitive proof).

The last time we were together, I knew I was the OM.

Now if she is together with him, HE's the OM, but HE doesn't know either.

She has to hide both of us from the truth, I can't imagine the stress and anxiety that must cause.

And as I live with her, a simply drive-by at the wrong time is all it would take for him to find out.

[CarrieT]

I could even keep seeing her casually for sex

Why continue the drama?!?!? :confused:

[yxalitis]

Why continue the drama?!?!? :confused:

Hey, sex is sex!

[CarrieT]

Hey, sex is sex!

 

Not at the price you would end up paying....

[yxalitis]

OK, So here's what I did.

 

I rang the ex-boyfriend.

I said we need to talk, as I think we are both being played for a fool.

Can you asnwer me one question, are you in a relationship with [her].

"Yes I am"

"Interesting, because so am I, in fact I'm living with her."

 

So we had a man-to-man talk, it was pretty easy, but I guess the upshot is she'll lose both of us.

 

Stupid girl, how on Earth she thought she cold get away with it I have no idea.

 

I'm so numb I can't feel the pain..it will come though.

[yxalitis]

So I left my girlfriend, after speaking to the OM, and confirming he was also in a relationship with her, and equally unaware of my existence as I was of his.

 

I made plans to move out, but spent the last night with her oblivious that I was doing anything. I thought no point in introducing high emotions into a house shared with other people (her niece and friend were staying). I had nowhere else to go for the night.

 

As it turned out, it was a terrific night, reminded me of why I loved this girl, we went bowling, and had awesome sex (I wasn't going to say "no" to the last sex I'll be having for quite some time).

 

Then in the morning I packed up and left....letting her know I knew all about the other guy, and that he also know knew all about me...I have no idea what he will do, (my guess is he'll stay with her,as he was always a casual, once a week boyfriend who I suspect only uses her for his occasional needs).

 

But I feel awful...for her!

Yes, I feel as though I've abandoned her, that I should have stayed...that I should have made the other guy back off (I was the live-in boyfriend after all)...something.

 

She cheated on me, lied endlessly to me, used me...so why do I feel like the bad person here?

Edited August 6, 2014 by yxalitis

[lollipopspot]

If you felt she was beyond redemption and you had had it with her, then I agree it was right for you to leave, but I think the sleeping with her as though nothing was wrong, when only you knew you were going to leave the next day, was probably wrong. It was using her and with the pretense that things were going to continue. Her ethics are hers - she's a liar, cheater, whatever she is. But yours are yours. It may be that that's part of what you feel bad about. That wasn't the most honorable way to leave.

[yxalitis]

If you felt she was beyond redemption and you had had it with her, then I agree it was right for you to leave, but I think the sleeping with her as though nothing was wrong, when only you knew you were going to leave the next day, was probably wrong. It was using her and with the pretense that things were going to continue. Her ethics are hers - she's a liar, cheater, whatever she is. But yours are yours. It may be that that's part of what you feel bad about. That wasn't the most honorable way to leave.

That's only part of it, I feel like I've hurt and abandoned her, regardless of what happened on the last night.

If I'd told her that night, and slept in the spare room, I'd still feel the same way.

[daisydook]

Welcome to the emotional roller coaster that is leaving a cheater!

 

I actually signed up to Loveshack because I felt the way you do.

 

I left my ex, who cheated after 9 years together, and I actually felt a lot of regret at first, and then guilt later, for leaving. I felt a lot of guilt for being happy without him. I really did not understand the emotions I was feeling, and didnt have the patience to even depict them initially. Lol. I know now I feel this way simply because I was never the one who expected this, my love didnt dissipate, disolve or go anywhere quickly, I was blissful and happy and never ever want to see him hurt. Ever. Not then and not now. I know I feel guilty because a part of me knows that going back to him and trying to reconcile, would make him stop hurting. I never wished him any pain, and never caused him any pain, so I feel guilty he is in pain, knowing I could take it away.

 

I moved out the day I met his girlfriend. I found an I love you message on his phone (by accident actually, and not by snooping) from her, I saved her phone number and put his phone down. I was shaking uncontrollably and could not even breathe. He was already sleeping. My phone had died and I wanted to give my mom a call. He would have always let me use his phone, so I had no reason not to. It was the only message from her, so he had to have deleted all dialogue between them.

 

I called her the following day, told her who I was (his fiance, to whom he was getting married to in 3 months time, who he had been engaged to for 5 years who he was trying to have a baby with for the better part of 2 years, and had been living with me for 7 years.) She agreed to meet with me when I asked her to, we sat down and talked and then I went home and confronted him. I wanted him to get out, but he said he wasn't leaving me, and that he wanted to make things right so if I had to go he would understand, but he was not leaving our house. I had no fight in me. Nothing left after that day. I wanted to never look at him again. Truly. I found out they had been dating (like full on dating one another) for 6 months. All while we were trying to have a baby, and while planning our wedding. While I was off picking out wedding dresses, he was off sleeping with his girlfriend and taking her out for lunch with our money. Lovely, eh?

 

I left that very night, with a few major things and my cats. I left most of my life and belongings behind. I have been living alone for about a year and a half now, just moved again recently and love my new place.

 

I have felt really guilty for not being able to forgive him. Not being able to "come home." I think I felt regret for not at least trying to forgive initially. I don't feel regret so much anymore, as I do guilt. Even that is lessening though.

 

I am sorry for all you have gone through, and the emotions you will feel over the next however long this takes! Ugh. A lot of emotions came back when I started dating someone else and that was what brought me here. Guilty because I was happy!?!??!? It seemed... wrong. Lol. So, be ready for that break down on her part, and a possible flow of emotions on your end as well, when you start dating again. Maintaining no contact over the last year and a half hasn't always been easy, BUT, we are not friends, so there is no point in making contact and we will not be getting back together, so again, no reason for contact.

 

He knows he broke my heart. I called off our life, so he kind of got the point.

I didnt have to verbalize any more than I had already upon confronting him.

 

He understands what he did, because he has never spoken to me again. I was single a year, and he still had a lot of issues with it and still wants me to "come home."

 

I found this site and have stuck around. There are amazing folks around here, who have been through hell and back and a lot of smart folks worth listening to. Hugs!

[herself]

Hey listen, she cheated on him...you cheated with her...its all been a mess but you really aren't the victim...!

I think its best to accept that you made your decision...

Shes a big girl, she will come to terms and sort it out.

In my opinion, I dont think your done with her, really don't see you staying away.