harrassed by married woman

[sunflower1234]

I am the other woman. Recently his wife found out and confronted me online. She has called my phone which I have had to block, had her friends post homewrecker on my facebook wall, she found the number of my girlfriend and started texting her, she broke into her husband's facebook account and pretended to me him while talking to me. And today my parents received anonymous postcards calling me a whore and homewrecker. I am thinking about a restraining order or going to the police. However in her confrontations with me she said she has been gathering proof of my affair with her husband with our text messages between each other. I am worried that going to the police will publicly air the affair and it would be part of some permanent searchable record for the public. If I file against her, there would need to be a circumstance stated. None of her messages to me have been threatening, but they have been profane, and slanderous. What do I do?

[Raena]

I'm thinking you really don't have anything to go to the police with...

 

- Her friends posted on your wall, that's on them, not on her

 

- It would be difficult to prove that the postcards were sent from her. You know they are from her, but you can't prove it

 

- Your friend would have to file for a RO for her contacting her, nothing YOU can do about that

 

- Her pretending to be her husband on fb... nothing you can do about that either, her husband would have to do something about it.

 

- Now... her contacting you directly on your phone... well, you've blocked that so she found other means to get to you. You blocking her was the right thing to do if you don't want her contacting you but it leaves you with no evidence of her behavior. The police will tell you that's what you should do anyway... tell her directly that you wish to have no contact with her and then block her.

 

This is what happens when you get involved with a married man... it comes back to bite YOU even if it isn't completely your fault. Your best bet at this point is to just lay low, don't confront her, don't bother her, stay away from her husband and eventually she'll stop harassing you. Normally I would suggest talking directly to her but it doesn't sound like she's ready to hear what you have to say and she may never be.

 

What is your MM doing about all of this?

[Mycatsnuggles]

Sunflower,

 

Are you married and if so does h know? If your single your in a stronger position as she really has nothing on you except that HER husband desired you..

 

I might think about responding to her, not with threats but some type of acknowledgment of her pain.

[stillafool]

First leave her husband alone or there's no telling what else she will do to ruin you. This is how some women act when you mess with their husbands. It's best to get a single guy.

[beach]

If she only states what is true - how can you expect to state it's slanderous?

 

She obviously has evidence - why not give her the courtesy of a conversation? That way she may get quieter.

 

Has your OM contacted you?

[Nattie]

This is the risk we take when we get involved with married partners. My MOM's wife is a little on the crazy side and I would expect similar or worse from her if she were to find out. That being said, if my H were to catch me, I would try to take full responsibility and spare MOM the aftermath, and if the roles were reversed and H was cheating, I think I'd be more angry with him than her.

[Got it]

Absolutely go to the police. You do not have to put up with this and the law is on your side in regards to this. I would send her a letter telling her to cease and desist all contact. This will mean you need to go NC as well. Then if she contacts you again, go to the police. Some areas they may not be able to do anything but you are building your case. You can also had some oomph to your letter if you have it sent by an attorney.

 

You are not going after her for slanderous comments. You are going after having her stop contacting you. Seek a restraining order if need be. The police hear these things all the time so I wouldn't allow that to stop you. Lock down your online presence and do not engage her or her husband.

 

Unless you live in a state that actually has any laws that allow going after the OP, her building any case against you will only help her side in divorce and that is her husband's baby to rock. In regards to public records, you could be named in the divorce and that would be a permanent record.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Gee I hope he's worth it.

 

Seems a big price to pay for a relationship. If he is, then id be expecting him to take your back instead of letting your @ss swing in the breeze.

 

If he isnt, well, take your licks and learn your lesson. Its hardly slander when its true....and you took the risk taking something that doesnt belong to you. Thems the breaks.

[notserene]

Unfortunately, one of the consequences of an affair is an inability to control the behavior of the betrayed parties when they discover the betrayal. Infidelity can lead to far worse than harassment. People tend to react pretty badly when they find out that they are being stabbed in the back.

 

As others have mentioned, one absolute defense to defamation is truth. So, saying something like "my husband cheated on me with X" isn't defamatory if it's true.

 

You should take steps to stop the phone calls, but the other things that are happening are either hard to prove or coming from other people. Also, if you file criminal charges, your name may or may not come up in publically searchable court records. It varies depending on the jurisdiction.

[Lovemesomehim]

So now that you're being "harassed" as you call it, you want to report a crime. But what about your offense to her? Did you not have a relationship with her husband? Did you not share intimacy with her husband? Did you not sneak around to have a relationship with her husband? And now that the cat is out the bag and she retaliated with fire, you want to run and tell on her. Should've thought about that when you allowed this married man into your life....my advice, when you play with fire you are destined to get burnt.

[goodyblue]

My advice? ignore it unless you are threatened. If you are threatened, then go to the police. Being in a relationship with someone's husband does not give anyone license to hurt or threaten to hurt you. Beyond that, let it go. She's pissed. I admit that she is pissed at the wrong person, as many BS's do, blame the OW rather than their partner... but that is all it is.

 

Try to ignore and move on. And if she threatens you, def. report it.

 

I kinda think it's funny that some BS's say "What did you expect" etc. like it is okay to be a loony, attack another person, especially someone who made no promises to them... but there you have it, how the BS in your situation is feeling.

[MissBee]

If you're scared of what going to the police might do, I would suggest waiting it out and finding other ways to curtail it. I know that in the U.S. people are quick to sue or get ROs and such, and while I've lived here for years, I'm still not used to how second nature it is to the point that people sometimes don't bother to find an easier and probably simpler solution before going that route.

 

I definitely think if your life is threatened, you're being abused and so on you should not tarry at all but you're not in any immediate danger as you've stated, she called your phone, you blocked her, so I'm guessing she hasn't called anymore. Her friends, well if they post on your FB, that isn't on her. But how can her friends post on your FB wall if you and they aren't friends? Delete their comments, block them and change your privacy settings so that only friends can post on your wall. I'm not super FB saavy so perhaps someone else (or Google) can tell you how. I know I have my FB set up where NO ONE, not even friends can post on my timeline without me approving their comments, no one can tag me in pics without my approval etc. So step up your FB privacy settings. If your parents already got the cards, simply apologize to them and tell them to ignore any further cards.

 

Where is MM in all this? Is the A over? Have you told him what she's doing? I think he should step in here as well. I second the idea of sending her a strongly worded letter about ceasing contact and especially about leaving your parents out of it. Do that first before making it a legal matter. If she keeps sending you stuff, gather up all the evidence in case it needs to be legal but for now, I'd try other ways. If you do end up taking it to the police they will want some type of back story or will ask why you think this is happening and you're most likely going to have to say. I'm not sure though if anything on public record will state anything about an affair.

Edited July 27, 2014 by MissBee

[gettingstronger]

No one has the right to harass anyone-period, for any reason-

 

As a BS that was continually harassed by our OW I understand this more than you can understand-

 

For us-the police didn't work, an atty didn't work-it only made it go anon and at the end of the day no agency cares enough about this type of thing to investigate it in detail unless there is a major threat-

 

I will tell you what I told my husband- this is what happens when you invite a third party in to the marriage- you open the door to crazy-

[underwater2010]

I would send her a cease and desist letter.

 

slan·der

 

/ˈslændər/ [/url] Show Spelled [slan-der] Show IPA

noun 1. defamation; calumny: rumors full of slander.

 

2. a malicious, false, and defamatory statement or report: a slander against his good name.

 

3. Law. defamation by oral utterance rather than by writing, pictures, etc.

 

What she is doing is harrassing you. And that is actionable. I wouldn't worry about it going public.....it already has, if I were you I would check the famous website that post the other woman in affairs.

 

Also, did you ever bother to apologize?

[solostand]

Where I live there is a law called "criminal harassment" and it has nothing to do with libel. The defining decision the police will make is if you are afraid of her. It sounds like she is showing enough unstable behaviour to cross that threshold. If so, they can get a R.O. Usually a person will sign an R.O. rather than having to testify in order to defend their behaviour.

 

We are all grown-ups and we should act like it.