halfalive Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Ugh, so the married coworker and I have been corresponding for quite some time and last weekend we finally kissed. No sex though. He felt guilty about it and I told him we could stop corresponding if he wanted, but he said he wanted to keep talking. My emotions are getting involved, I can tell. I do not want to go through this whole waiting for texts, wanting someone I can never have, getting my heart broken AGAIN. I didn't talk to him yesterday and I'm not planning to today...but I cannot for the love of god get him out of my mind. I hate that I fall so hard for someone so easily. Not really asking anyone anything, I just needed to vent badly. I am desperately trying to find a way to be happy on my own, with myself. But I am struggling!! Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 You are standing at the top of a deep hole, my friend. Now you have a choice - to walk away and keep yourself safe, or to jump in and deal with the pain and suffering that is found down there. Nothing good can come of this. NOTHING. In this situation, head wins. Heart shuts up, and if it doesn't, ignore it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author halfalive Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 I know, I know, I know. I've been here and done this. I know that pain and misery is the outcome. I don't know why I find it so alluring. Walking away is what I KNOW I need to do. Just walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 So is this yet another affair, of the same guy as last time? Are you still with your H? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I don't know why I find it so alluring. Walking away is what I KNOW I need to do. Just walk away. How is your relationship with your father? How was he in your childhood? A lot of times things like this are trying to "do-over". For instance, if a girl had an absent alcoholic dad, she will pick stand-offish alcoholic guys, in hopes that she can be ENOUGH to change them. It's about proving to yourself that you are worthy. If your dad left, passed away, or was absent from your life, maybe you are choosing someone unattainable on purpose. Somewhere inside you, far from the logical side, a voice may be saying "If I can WIN him, even though he is unattainable, then I am worthy." If that isn't it, then WHY do you think this situation is so alluring to you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Ugh, so the married coworker and I have been corresponding for quite some time and last weekend we finally kissed. How did the two of you find yourselves in a situation during the weekend to hook up, might I ask? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 You don't want your heart broken? Do not interact with a married guy. It's a given that it will hurt you! Don't respond to any way he contacts you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author halfalive Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 You know, people keep asking me about daddy issues because I am attracted to men 15 or more years my elder. My first MM was one year younger than my dad. BUT, I had a great dad. He was always there for the family, provided for everything. He is still alive. However, he was very strict and we were never that close. I always felt like I was never able to get his approval. So maybe you are right. This is a second affair. And no, my husband and I are now divorced. Or have filed for divorce anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author halfalive Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 How did the two of you find yourselves in a situation during the weekend to hook up, might I ask? It was a work obligation over the weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 You know, people keep asking me about daddy issues because I am attracted to men 15 or more years my elder. My first MM was one year younger than my dad. BUT, I had a great dad. He was always there for the family, provided for everything. He is still alive. However, he was very strict and we were never that close. I always felt like I was never able to get his approval. So maybe you are right. This is a second affair. And no, my husband and I are now divorced. Or have filed for divorce anyway. No disrespect to you, but good for your husband that he got out. The reason I say that is you seem to enjoy this drama. You know all that happened before yet you find yourself back in the mud. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 It was a work obligation over the weekend. Ah, so this is going to be difficult to stem, since you've broken the seal here and you have weekend work obligations that find you alone enough to make out. Realistically, I don't think there's much you can do. You don't seem to have any real control over whatever this is, as much as you know it's "wrong". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author halfalive Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 No disrespect to you, but good for your husband that he got out. The reason I say that is you seem to enjoy this drama. You know all that happened before yet you find yourself back in the mud. All I have to say is...yes, good for my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 The ball is still in your hands, you still have the choice to walk away. It will be easier to mourn a relationship that you already know will be toxic than go through all that pain again. There's a reason why you chose your name on this forum, you might be in for another hammering of the heart, what will be your name then? You only need to revisit your first A and find the courage to run as far as you can from this one. Hugs to you, Angel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 You know, people keep asking me about daddy issues because I am attracted to men 15 or more years my elder. My first MM was one year younger than my dad. BUT, I had a great dad. He was always there for the family, provided for everything. He is still alive. However, he was very strict and we were never that close. I always felt like I was never able to get his approval. So maybe you are right. This is a second affair. And no, my husband and I are now divorced. Or have filed for divorce anyway. Welcome to it sweetheart. And I bet that he put someone or something else as a total priority and made you feel that you weren't necessary part of his family (by his lack of approval). So now you are with men whom you want to approve of you and put you "first." But it's a challenge because they are, in a sense "unattainable." Just like your father's approval was. Providing for someone is a good, necessary thing, but often as children we can't see that "Dad goes out, makes money, pays for home, I live here." Just the same as my dogs couldn't see that I had to work hard to get them toys and treats. It's completely out of context for them. People who use financial stability and earning power as a method of expressing love often lose a large part of the message. Especially when it comes to kids. Kids only see that you aren't there, at that house that they live at. Many kids grow up feeling that the providing parent "doesn't even like them." Or that they were an inconvenience and burden to the parent that serves up the guilt trip of "I work so hard for you and you don't even appreciate it." Helluva emotional baggage run to be saddled with. Perhaps some EFT therapy could clear some things up. Link to post Share on other sites
randomwoman Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Ugh, so the married coworker and I have been corresponding for quite some time and last weekend we finally kissed. No sex though. He felt guilty about it and I told him we could stop corresponding if he wanted, but he said he wanted to keep talking. My emotions are getting involved, I can tell. I do not want to go through this whole waiting for texts, wanting someone I can never have, getting my heart broken AGAIN. I didn't talk to him yesterday and I'm not planning to today...but I cannot for the love of god get him out of my mind. I hate that I fall so hard for someone so easily. Not really asking anyone anything, I just needed to vent badly. I am desperately trying to find a way to be happy on my own, with myself. But I am struggling!! Get ready for a long road ahead. This is just the beginning of the miserable rollercoaster ride if its anything like what happened to me. I think the kiss was the nail in the coffin for me and now I cannot get out Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 wash... rinse... repeat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 How do you avoid making the same mistake? Don't do it. One day at a time. Today you don't call the guy. Tomorrow you don't call the guy. repeat. repeat. repeat. And while you're not calling the guy you use your considerable self awareness to continue examining what motivates your attraction to unavailable men. Daddy issues, or just what feels familiar, or the drama...you'll figure it out. In the meantime, think of yourself as an addict and just get throguh it one.day.at.a.time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author halfalive Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Clearly I have issues. Yes, I know I should be seeking single men. Not asking for judgment, curious to know if anyone else can relate. I had an affair a couple years ago. Deeply fell in love with my MM and I had never felt that way about anyone before. Things fell to **** once I wanted to leave my husband and ExMM no longer wanted to see me. He is now single himself but we have too much baggage from the affair break up to make it work. I'll leave it at that. I became involved with another MM several months ago - the pull of affairs is either too strong or I am too weak! We finally took it to a PA a couple weeks ago and wow...I have felt very down ever since. Something was missing that I felt with ExMM. The emotions, the connection, I don't know what. It only felt like sex. Anyway, I had thought I had moved on and gotten over the ExMM but the current one just has my mind back on the events of two years ago. I think I have been seeking those feelings I once had. What if I never feel that way again??!! Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Maybe you're a little disenchanted with this AP because of what you learned from the last A? Could it be that that ruins the fantasy for you? Kind of like how Christmas magic never quite seems the same as a child onced you learn there is no Santa Clause? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I think you need to knock your previous exMM off the pedestal and see him for who he is. You've let yourself get so caught up in the feelings, how he made you feel now nobody can compare. The intensity of the affair. Now you've gotten involved in another affair with a MM and it's like you're trying to recapture what you had with the 1st MM. Try being alone. Do counseling, work on you and realize that you can be totally happy without a man in your life. Become the woman you're meant to be and get out of the habit of being addicted to the affair dynamic. It's not healthy and I'm betting that your friends, even your husband and other family aren't that supportive (if they know of your choices in men).. Link to post Share on other sites
Author halfalive Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 I think you need to knock your previous exMM off the pedestal and see him for who he is. You've let yourself get so caught up in the feelings, how he made you feel now nobody can compare. The intensity of the affair. Now you've gotten involved in another affair with a MM and it's like you're trying to recapture what you had with the 1st MM. Try being alone. Do counseling, work on you and realize that you can be totally happy without a man in your life. Become the woman you're meant to be and get out of the habit of being addicted to the affair dynamic. It's not healthy and I'm betting that your friends, even your husband and other family aren't that supportive (if they know of your choices in men).. Ugh, I know, I know. I always cringe when I see that you have responded to my thread, whichwayisup, because I always know that what you say is going to be absolutely true and correct...and not what I want to hear. (I say that in the kindest way of course! ) I really thought I had knocked ExMM off the pedestal. My last time seeing him was AWFUL and I have not had one single desire to see, talk to or hear from him until this. I am trying my hardest to be alone but it is so incredibly difficult. I feel so lonely. All of my friends are in the just married, just having babies time of their lives and cannot relate to me at all. So I go home, watch tv, do one of my various hobbies. Every day. Alone. I also don't enjoy my job so I even feel lonely at work! It's really tough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author halfalive Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Maybe you're a little disenchanted with this AP because of what you learned from the last A? Could it be that that ruins the fantasy for you? Kind of like how Christmas magic never quite seems the same as a child onced you learn there is no Santa Clause? YES!! It is like the dead Christmas magic. What a great analogy! Link to post Share on other sites
letmoc Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I am trying my hardest to be alone but it is so incredibly difficult. I feel so lonely. All of my friends are in the just married, just having babies time of their lives and cannot relate to me at all. So I go home, watch tv, do one of my various hobbies. Every day. Alone. I also don't enjoy my job so I even feel lonely at work! It's really tough. What helped me get through it was realizing if I wasted time in these dead end relationships I would never be in the " just married, just having babies" phase.......ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author halfalive Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 What helped me get through it was realizing if I wasted time in these dead end relationships I would never be in the " just married, just having babies" phase.......ever. Let me clarify. I've already been through the just married, just having babies and now just about to be divorced phases. Link to post Share on other sites
letmoc Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Oh ok then somebody to cuddle on the couch with Link to post Share on other sites
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