karma is a mother...

[davidowhy]

Perhaps I deserve it. I'm still suffering over my affair six months over. Her husband found out and that was it. I always agreed to support whatever decision she made but I'm dying inside. We'd known each other for fifteen years. Let's call her Kali. We dated briefly but became the best of friends afterwards. She was ten years my junior, which seemed such a big deal when I was thirty-three, so I let her run around and have fun... but it was always me that she came to for serious issues... and vice-versa.

 

Eventually, our lives went their separate ways. We moved to different states. We both got married and had kids at the same time. We stayed in touch... a phone call every so often, emails, facebook, etc. I confessed my true feelings to her in an email one drunken night... that I'd always adored her and that I would have married her. I loved the person she was. I still do.

My own marriage was getting quite rocky. For at least two years I faked it, trying to make things work.

 

I loved my wife but I didn't feel she loved or respected me. I love my children and couldn't bare the thought of leaving them, but I didn't want them to grow up thinking that our relationship was acceptable. I didn't want my boys to learn that being treated the way my wife treated me was ok. Eventually, I was desperate. I needed advice... so I called the smartest person I knew... her... whom by this time was a successful medical professional. Unbeknownst to me, she, too, was suffering from a rocky marriage.

 

That very night, after some flirting, it became heavy. I left my wife the following night, intending to make her change her behavior. Unfortunately, by this time my heart was in another place and the wife didn't help matters at all. Kali and I grew closer, constantly texting, calling and emailing. Yes, there was guilt. A lot of it... on both parts. We discussed it often and tried hard to end our sexual relationship on many occasions. We discussed how, at one time, we were the best of friends - nothing more. But for me it was a lie. I'd always wanted her. We came to the conclusion that the only way to stop was to meet and realize that we were just good friends after all. But she was a thousand miles away... It would never happen... it was safe. Until the text.

 

My life was in turmoil. She was my rock. When she texted, "okay... get up here", I immediately filled my truck with gas and started driving. Fifteen hour later i pulled into the town she lives in. More than anything I just wanted to see my friend. I got a hotel and she came to visit. I had forgotten how much I was attracted to this woman. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. We tried, but a light touch became a hug... then a kiss... then lovemaking. I drove fifteen hours to spend twenty-four hours near her. It was amazing.

 

The distance made it hard but I managed to visit her several more times... each time falling more in love with the person she was. I dreamed and schemed, wondering... wishing... hoping I could build a life with her. She was more reasonable than I, saying she couldn't just walk away from her family. She was sensible. I had nothing left to lose. To this day I would still run to her.

 

Now, six months after the end, I still think of her constantly. The pain has begun to subside but she's still the girl of my dreams. Also, I feel so much guilt over the pain I caused her and her family. I feel as if I should have been a better friend to her. And it wasn't worth losing her friendship. I have failed and tried to contact her even though I promised I wouldn't. She has been steadfast. If anybody can make their marriage survive this it would be her. Not a word. Ugh...

 

Eventually I will get over this. My life is in ruin and I will build it up again. I will never make this mistake again.

Edited July 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Peacock_Tail]

Been there, man. It sucks.

 

But please, take her off her pedestal. No 'girl of your dreams' would use you for emotional support, sex and so on for then dropping you like a hot potato and choosing someone else over you. She may be a great friend, but I wouldn't like to have her as a romantic partner. Not even if she was the last woman on earth.

 

Use your time, don't just let it pass. Each time she crosses your mind try to take her away by focusing on something else. Over time you will get used to that and it will be much easier to do.

 

Don't believe that you are going to have a life of misery because of what you did (unless you repeat the same mistake again ...). You made a bad choice, but what is done is done. You have your fault in all of this, but you didn't force her to do anything. She was the one married, with kids, she also made a choice and for sure she is no angel at all. Why would you want to be with someone who is capable of doing that? I mean, she is no longer a teenager experimenting and making mistakes in relationships. She is old enough and 'mature' to know what she was doing and what she had.

 

Don't put all the blame on you.

 

It seems to me like you were the only one making an effort by visiting her. Does it tell you something? She was having a husband, her home, children, a lover willing to do anything for her ... Just another cake-eater. Remember that. You may had a great connection but you have to focus on all her negative stuff. Don't idealize her.

 

It's her loss, not yours. She can make her marriage 'survive' but probably those broken things inside of it (and inside of her) will appear again down the road. And by that time, (I hope) you would have moved on and she won't have a toy to get support (and sex) from, just her poor husband. If you want some comfort, she is probably not in love at all with him and she is coming back to her safety net. She can't handle being alone and needs validation of her existence from others.

 

She doesn't deserve you neither her husband. You will find someone worth of your love if you learn from this. But I wouldn't mind being alone, it's better than to be with someone who uses you and ignores you when you need it the most.

 

Cheers

Edited July 25, 2014 by Peacock_Tail

[davidowhy]

Yeah, daily it gets better. And I will move on eventually. And whether I was used or not I suppose it's best to think that way. But when I do think that way I get angry and when I get angry I want revenge. The biggest problem is that "time heals all wounds" so I begin to forget the misery I experienced with my ex wife and wish I'd have tried harder to maintain that relationship. Fortunately, she is still quite capable of reminding me what a demanding, controlling and unreasonable woman she was. Thank God for that!

 

The AP WAS amazingly supportive. Believe me when I say that my life is in turmoil. I made the stupid but all too common decision of seeking solace in a bottle. Combine that with a surgery that incapacitated me for nearly four months (unable to work) and it was the perfect recipe for financial ruin. I'm going to climb out of this... but MAAAAN!!! what a lesson learned...

 

And thanks for your support.