Depression and affairs

[Mycatsnuggles]

A recent post discussed depression as a potential contributor to the likelyhood of becoming involved in an affair.

 

I have depression, the disease. It is not something which occurs from a life event or trauma, it just is. Please don't compare your "low mood" to depression. Totally different. While I am treating it I wonder if my affair was a coping mechanism for my disease? This isn't saying "oh it's ok what I did" because I have depression. Just me wondering if any other ws have dealt with depression by seeking unhealthy activities which increase their mood?

 

I've questioned while I become involved in a LTA. This was the first reasoning which made sense to me and I identified with.

 

I'm sorry I couldn't find the post and hesitated to ask this question. I am now.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I have have been treated for depression on and off for my adult life.

 

I have not had an affair.

 

I made choices, as did you. Keep digging.

Edited July 25, 2014 by ThatsJustHowIRoll

[waterwoman]

Hi cat, I am also a depressive. I realise now with hindsight it first manifested itself when I was 15 but it wasn't diagnosed. I had episodes of increasing severity over the years which I managed to largely ignore until the birth of my second child when I reached the point of non-functioning. Been on ADs on and off since then and been suicidal at points. You have my sympathy x Particularly since I am guessing the aftermath of the affair will have left you feeling 100x worse (it didn't exactly do wonders for me as the BS!)

 

Re affairs as a self-medication for depression? I can totally understand why they would be attractive. When I am low I feel desperate for something outside of me to distract me, pick me up, open the box and let me out. I can see why an affair would seem an attractive propostion - someone to tell me I am beautiful, amazing, wonderful etc, something to energise and sooth me. H always told me those but somehow it wasn't enough.

 

Since his affair I have had to fight the demons again and again. I felt worthless, useless, unlovable. I have had to dig so deep and find veins of strength I didn't know I had. I have had to use my own resources to be healthy and happy. I guess that is the lesson I took away - I am my own validation. Sounds good doesn't it? Now just have to live by it....

[Mycatsnuggles]

Water woman

 

I admire you. I know how difficult it can be to function with depression without a traumatic life event contributing. On my worst days it is a struggle to get dressed let alone function normally. I would be happiest staying inside blinds drawn with no outside contact. H has been a good support. He actually forced me to get a job, when I said I couldn't handle one in my field, he said that's ok any job, just get out of the house. How right he was.

 

I do think I used mm as a crutch. I could see him when I was down, there were no expectations from him and he always gave me a shot of endorphins which would temporarily increase my mood. Until he would be gone again for a few days. At the ending the depression was overwhelming and came with a new symptom, anxiety.

 

Moving and functioning has made a difference. It's a battle everyday because honestly I am content in my own little self imposed box where no thoughts or interactions are necessary.

 

Has your h helped you with your depression? I've asked mine to tell me when he sees it because honestly when your living it, it feels ok. I want to be alone. I want to not function. With his help I'm better at dealing with it.

 

You are a strong woman to overcome and continue moving forward in your relationship and life

[waterwoman]

Thank you x

 

Does h help me? Yes. Now he does. Prior to the affair he just got impatient. If I told him how bad I felt he would just tell me to go to the doctor. What I needed was support from him, a connection to warmth and humanity. One day I stood on a road bridge staring down at the traffic 50 foot below for 30 mins arguing with myself over whether to jump. I got home and didn't mention it to him because I didn't trust him to give a damn. That was when the affair was getting started. Since Dday we have had to look at each other again and see the individual not just the spouse. He has so much more compassion for me than before - in spite of the depression, or because of it maybe, i had become efficient, organised, super-competent, to deal with the kids, my job, the house, elderly parents, all the little problems life threw at us. I hid the illness. Pretended to everyone it wasnt a problem. He saw the outside shell, forgot there was someone inside it who needed him.

 

I have become fully aware of how self-contained I am only recently. I have always been self-sufficient and liked it, I like solitude and my own company. But since I have been forced to re-examine my life, I have come to see that isolation is part of my problem. Like you I find the idea of staying inside, safe, unchallenged so appealing, so comforting. But it's such a poisonous, deadly way to live my life. I force myself to go running or take the dog on a long walk every day after work. I am trying to be more sociable, say yes to all invitations not 'sorry, don't think I can cos of work/kids/parents'. It doesn't come easy.

[cocorico]

My H was clinically depressed before the A - not endogenous depression, but reactive, related to his M. The depression was directly implicated in the A - both his IC and his GP commented on that.

[solostand]

I was severely clinically depressed since I met MM and have been depressed on and off ever since. I had to be hospitalized this winter. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say depression is not "feeling low". It is debilitating.

 

Yes, I believe I used MM to self-medicate. I am also an alcoholic and I used to use alcohol to self-medicate, but I no longer drink.

 

I believe part of the reason I got into this affair with both feet is because it DID relieve my depression and gave me a huge boost of oxytocin in the brain. But it also makes me depressed. . .so six of one and half a dozen of the other.

[Hope Shimmers]

I have have been treated for depression on and off for my adult life.

 

I have not had an affair.

 

I made choices, as did you. Keep digging.

 

I know it is tempting to think that your experience is the exact same as everyone else's, but that just isn't the case. I know it's also tempting to not want to believe that there just might be a reason that might predispose someone to have an A other than the fact that they are bad people or made bad choices. But that isn't necessarily the case either, no matter how much you want to believe it.

 

I'm a physician so I diagnose people with depression and have for years. I also have had three major depressive episodes that have been debilitating to the point of not being able to function or care that I live or go on living. The interesting thing is that people who haven't dealt with this just think it's "low mood". It's SO much different than that, but to be fair, it would be very difficult to understand it without experiencing it.

 

My first episode was after the birth of my first daughter about 13 years ago. I didn't even RECOGNIZE that I was depressed, despite my training in being able to diagnose it in others. I didn't recognize that I felt depressed but I knew I was non-functional - but I didn't CARE. There was no desire to get out of it, no recognition of it, just a completely different level of "norm" that it took others to identify for me at the time. It's a scary place to be.

 

Grief or extreme stress can precipitate major depressive episodes in people who are susceptible. Again, it is much less about feeling "depressed" than not being able to function and not recognize it or care.

 

It is a physiological disorder, not a psychological one.

 

I can see how some people could use an A as a crutch when depressed, and I think there are data that actually substantiate that. Not trying to make excuses, but not everything is necessarily about "bad" people either.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Thank you hope shimmers.

 

It's difficult for someone who has never experienced the debilitating feelings of depression to relate. I also needed others outside of myself to identify and assist me with seeking help. Until I had a friend actually write my symptoms out on a post it did I realize how limiting my life had become.

 

Drugs and alcohol are identified self coping mechanisms for mental illness. I coped differently but obviously just as destructive.

 

I'm actually surprised more people did not identify with this.

[RegretfulAlways]

Cat, thanks for posting this. You're actually helping me shed light on what my online/LDA was really all about.

 

I know how good it is that I got out of that relationship, but I miss him. Or at least I think it's him I miss. More likely I miss the rush/thrill I got when we chatted, sexted, & did other stuff online. Like I am addicted to THAT rather than necessarily him. And I've battled depression on and off for the last few years, but never debilitating depression. But in retrospect my LDA does seem much like it was an addiction/self medication.

[A.Moscote]

I believe we are a very interactive being, that every little thing, within ourselves or outside, does affects our decisions and actions, consciously or not. So in that sense, of course it is very probable that depression, a major health issue in itself, played a big role in writing your past experience and lead you to that certain path. It's good at least to know that now you have identified and perceived it as such. Of course it won't erase past mistakes, but it will be a very valuable apprehension in guiding your way forward.

 

What I'm curious now however is how the depression ultimately affects the affair. In other words, what make you really able to end the affair (congrats on that btw) despite the depression issue? Do you think there's any correlation between those two?

 

...This was the first reasoning which made sense to me and I identified with.

First reasoning, yes, but did you mean the only reason you identified with? How about sexual attraction/craving? Skimming through your threads, time and again, you implied that your AP is a much better sex partner than your H. Don't you think that's also another big reason you could've identified with? I think that's a big one that really make it a long term affair, or maybe I'm the one who just can't relate that sexual bias to, again, depression.

 

Anyway, I hope you will be very patient and determined in working on your marriage. Be strong, don't give up. Your H sounds like a very good man.

[gettingstronger]

YES- my husbands untreated depression was a factor in his A no doubt- I learned depression is much more complex than I ever imagined and untreated or self treated depression is an invitation for disaster-

 

What is unfortunate is now that he is dealing with the aftermath of his decision to cheat, he has added self loathing to his list of things that torment him-

 

In retrospect, I will never again write off the signs of his depression to- well, he is just a brooding, moody person-its so much more than that- those are just the outward signs-

 

I wish you good luck and good healing and it takes a lot to come on here and admit there is so much going on inside you- people don't understand unless they have lived it in one form or another-

 

Take care!

[Mycatsnuggles]

I'm hoping someone finds the post lol I've tried but no luck. The subject topic had nothing to do with depression it was a response from another poster.

 

What it helped me to understand was the "why" I allowed myself to become involved. Nothing I read previously felt applicable to me.

[gettingstronger]

The subject topic had nothing to do with depression it was a response from another poster.

 

 

It may have been me- I have brought it up before only to be told I was an idiot for thinking my husbands depression played a role- I was reminded it was because I am a hag of a wife-

[Mycatsnuggles]

Getting stronger

 

NO NO NO!!!!!

 

This had nothing to do with you if your husband suffers from depression. I can only relate my experience.

 

In the depths of the depression my marriage felt unbearable. H was at a total loss as to why or what had changed. I only know the more depressed I became the more I was sure it was h and our relationship. If only I could change that.

 

I actually believe now it was self sabatoging. A way of feeling we don't deserve goodness so we attempt to destroy it. Not logically not thinking let me destroy my life just performing actions thoughts and behaviors which lead to self destruction. A way of pushing others away from you to be alone in your isolation where your comfortable. My relationship with om was conducted in private. He and I were alone in our own little world. Isolation with one person who asks or expected nothing from me.

[HermioneG]

I'm hoping someone finds the post lol I've tried but no luck. The subject topic had nothing to do with depression it was a response from another poster.

 

What it helped me to understand was the "why" I allowed myself to become involved. Nothing I read previously felt applicable to me.

 

Pittman explains in Private Lies that untreated depression can absolutely be a risk for an affair, and the chemical high of the affair can act as a self medication.

 

Again- it does not mean everyone who is depressed will cheat. It does mean that a person with depression and some other factors may all come together in the shape of an affair.

[Capris]

Hello all!

While getting out of my A a couple of years ago, i traced my choices back and my conclusion from everything was that i was depressed, so i made bad choices. To clarify, i really was diagnosed with depression that started before my A.

I met the MM, he said stuff i wanted to hear, i didnt feel worthy enough to be anything more than second, so one thing brought the other, i brought what i called love into my already isolated bubble i called life.

 

Now my number one advice to every OW/OM is go to a doctor, check for depression, check for low self esteem, check for something, cause something is not right.

 

As HermioneG stated perfectly "Again- it does not mean everyone who is depressed will cheat. It does mean that a person with depression and some other factors may all come together in the shape of an affair"