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Involved with a married co-worker. Help!


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Sara Nicole

Hi I'm new to this tonight. I'm desperately in need of help and advice. I'm the other woman. Became involved with a married co worker about 9 months ago. I was married at the time too but very unhappy. This married man pursued me completely. Wooed me and won me over. I left my husband and he said he would leave his wife. He hasn't!

 

Tonight he was supposed to come over and didn't (again) as anyone who's been there knows your heart sinks stomach drops out and the tears come (again). It's completely hopeless. I feel hopeless. My life has changed completely. My children hardly speak to me as I broke up with their dad (they don't know about the affair) I feel I have lost everything and he still has it a and won't commit to me. I've had enough. I'm utterly miserable and have even considered ending it all. I want out but I love him and am stuck in a vicious destructive circle.

 

He let's me down I get mad and end it, he sweet talk me and back round we go. I'm so despondent. How do I walk away? I wish he'd left me alone. I wish this had never started but it has and I feel like I'm trapped and can't get out. I know he'll never leave her (he's been married for 30 years, he's a bit older than me) he promises me the earth all the time but it's all words and he never follows through.

 

Can anyone help me? Advise me? I can't go on like this. I'm so depressed all the time and have been put on anti depressants. I know this relationship is killing me and is destructive and bad for my mental health but I don't seem to be able to stop it

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IfWishesWereHorses

Please find a counselor to deal with your emotions, ASAP! Sometimes we all need help. You have all the information, you know well that this is destroying you. How long on the antidepressants? Sometimes, they take a while to help, sometimes you need to change up what you're taking. See someone now, for your own sake!

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"I left my husband and he said he would leave his wife."

 

 

So why has he not left if he agreed to it. What does he say when you ask him about this?

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Sara Nicole

I've been in the anti depressants since November. They don't seem to be helping much.

 

He spent a whole weekend back in November deciding if he was doing to leave her or end it with me. I had an awful weekend convinced he would end it. He came to see me and said he had decided to leave her as he loved me. But it never happened. Kept making excuses not the right time. His daughter was due to have a baby. Then it was Christmas. Then his daughter is getting married later this year and on and on and on. So I know it won't happen. He's full of words and empty promises. Means it at the time but never follows through with anything ever. Constantly says he loves me but I don't even believe that as how can he if he stays with her. I have to end it. I want to but I just can't do it. I've cried myself to sleep night after night through frustration at him and at me I'm so weak. Why can't I just tell him to do away? I've seriously considered that ending my life is the only way out. I'm so miserable and I hate myself for allowing him to treat me like a second best. I have no self esteem anymore, no confidence. He's taken it all away. I really can't cope.

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You will get there. One day it will just click and you will go no contact. It maybe that you are just not ready yet. Thats okay, it takes some of us a while longer. From me making the decision to get out it took 6 months for me to actually effect it.

 

These antidepressants might need to be changed or you need a higher dosage. I"d make this your number 1 priority. These can get to work in the background whilst you tackle the other matters.

 

Keep coming back on here! Lots of people here to talk to in similar positions and at various stages of affairs.

 

x

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Maybe you don't need antidepressants. Seriously, if it is the MM that is depressing you, then the answer is simple. BUT... even though it is a simply remedy it doesn't mean carrying it out is easy, does it? I know it's difficult. I know that when we love someone we don't want to let go. Maybe try distancing yourself a little.

 

Now is the time that you must decide what you are willing to deal with. If you are okay staying the OW, or if you are not. And you don't have to do it today. Think about it, see how it feels. Only you know.

 

I do know that anyone who is making you feel this way is not good for you. If he can't give you what you need, what is your answer? That's what you need to figure out.

 

I have a friend who says to just live your life, be happy. If he catches up to you, fantastic, if not, you haven't wasted your time. I really believe that to be true.

 

Hang in there and I truly hope you feel better soon.

xx

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I've been in the anti depressants since November. They don't seem to be helping much.

 

He spent a whole weekend back in November deciding if he was doing to leave her or end it with me. I had an awful weekend convinced he would end it. He came to see me and said he had decided to leave her as he loved me. But it never happened. Kept making excuses not the right time. His daughter was due to have a baby. Then it was Christmas. Then his daughter is getting married later this year and on and on and on. So I know it won't happen. He's full of words and empty promises. Means it at the time but never follows through with anything ever. Constantly says he loves me but I don't even believe that as how can he if he stays with her. I have to end it. I want to but I just can't do it. I've cried myself to sleep night after night through frustration at him and at me I'm so weak. Why can't I just tell him to do away? I've seriously considered that ending my life is the only way out. I'm so miserable and I hate myself for allowing him to treat me like a second best. I have no self esteem anymore, no confidence. He's taken it all away. I really can't cope.

 

This is the saddest post ever. Sara Nicole, you need to text him very simple text that says it is over and not to contact you anymore, and then completely block all ways of communication to protect yourself from this awful man. Then you can safely fall apart, grieve, cry, but this pain will be final, you will never have to suffer from the pain of ending again. You don't have to live in agony. Accept that this will never get better, brace yourself to work through pain, then heal and rebuild you life. Best of luck to you xoxo

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Hope Shimmers
I've been in the anti depressants since November. They don't seem to be helping much.

 

He spent a whole weekend back in November deciding if he was doing to leave her or end it with me. I had an awful weekend convinced he would end it. He came to see me and said he had decided to leave her as he loved me. But it never happened. Kept making excuses not the right time. His daughter was due to have a baby. Then it was Christmas. Then his daughter is getting married later this year and on and on and on. So I know it won't happen. He's full of words and empty promises. Means it at the time but never follows through with anything ever. Constantly says he loves me but I don't even believe that as how can he if he stays with her. I have to end it. I want to but I just can't do it. I've cried myself to sleep night after night through frustration at him and at me I'm so weak. Why can't I just tell him to do away? I've seriously considered that ending my life is the only way out. I'm so miserable and I hate myself for allowing him to treat me like a second best. I have no self esteem anymore, no confidence. He's taken it all away. I really can't cope.

 

Oh sweetie. I am SO sorry for what you are going through.

 

I have - in the past - felt the same way as you, as I am alone and my ex-MM didn't leave his wife either. I stayed involved for many years. I too thought about 'ending it all'.

 

Don't give in to that! You are stronger than that. PLEASE talk to a counselor or your doctor or a family member if you think you are going to 'end it all'. He isn't WORTH it! But your kids ARE worth you being here!

 

Your kids will come around. Your life isn't over. This ********* MM didn't deliver on his promises, but you trusted him and that is on HIM. Don't let him win! Your kids NEED you.

 

Please believe me. It does get better, despite how you feel now. Don't do anything stupid and permanent because of this jerk who lied to you. You are still a mom and your kids need you and you have a life to live. Please believe me on this! There is a future, even if you can't see it now. Please trust me.

 

Post here for all the support you need Sara.

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IfWishesWereHorses

Get. Some. Help! You KNOW it but you're not willing to commit! You need more than this board can give you. You also need your meds reevaluated. Every med doesn't work the same for everyone. See that doctor post haste!

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whichwayisup

Your emotions are out of whack and you're only depressed and feeling this way because of the situation.

 

Step one - Make a promise to yourself that you will NOT harm yourself. NO man is worth losing your life over. Do you have children to think about it? Parents? Siblings? Friends? All the more reason to rely on them for support and seek counseling to help you get away from this MM.

 

He is not leaving and divorcing his wife. He is happy just having the affair with you - You gave up your life/husband for this MM and he never had any intention of leaving his wife and starting over with you...

 

Sorry you're hurting. Get to counseling so you can gain the strength and confidence to end it with him once and for all.

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Sara Nicole

You are all being lovely and very supportive. It's strange but if I had one wish in the world it would be that I could not love him anymore and could end it for good. Not a wish that he would leave his wife. I want to walk away and never look back. We've ended so many times but he always sweet talks his way back round me and I'm just stuck in this circle. Has anyone else managed to break free for good? Is this my life forever? Round and round getting more miserable by the day while he carries on having the best of both with not a care in the world

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Sara Nicole
Oh sweetie. I am SO sorry for what you are going through.

 

I have - in the past - felt the same way as you, as I am alone and my ex-MM didn't leave his wife either. I stayed involved for many years. I too thought about 'ending it all'.

 

Don't give in to that! You are stronger than that. PLEASE talk to a counselor or your doctor or a family member if you think you are going to 'end it all'. He isn't WORTH it! But your kids ARE worth you being here!

 

Your kids will come around. Your life isn't over. This ********* MM didn't deliver on his promises, but you trusted him and that is on HIM. Don't let him win! Your kids NEED you.

 

Please believe me. It does get better, despite how you feel now. Don't do anything stupid and permanent because of this jerk who lied to you. You are still a mom and your kids need you and you have a life to live. Please believe me on this! There is a future, even if you can't see it now. Please trust me.

 

Post here for all the support you need Sara.

 

How did you get out of this horrible situation? It's sounds so easy for people to say just end it. No one realises how hard that is unless they've been there. It's not like a normal relationship (I've ended those before when they didn't work) it's like this man has some sort of spell on me. How do you do it? How are you strong enough ever to walk away and not get sucked back in. I'm so desperate to do this. I work with him so see him everyday at work (let's face it takes the most i do see him, the rest of the time he constantly let's me down or has to rush off) I really want out. Want to move on want to forget him. Want to look T him and feel nothing

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Hope Shimmers
How did you get out of this horrible situation? It's sounds so easy for people to say just end it. No one realises how hard that is unless they've been there. It's not like a normal relationship (I've ended those before when they didn't work) it's like this man has some sort of spell on me. How do you do it? How are you strong enough ever to walk away and not get sucked back in. I'm so desperate to do this. I work with him so see him everyday at work (let's face it takes the most i do see him, the rest of the time he constantly let's me down or has to rush off) I really want out. Want to move on want to forget him. Want to look T him and feel nothing

 

I know exactly what you are saying and I wish I had the magic answers. That's why it took me years to get out.

 

It isn't like a 'normal' relationship. I can attest to that.

 

It is addictive. The only thing I can tell you is that it hurts more later than earlier... so don't wait a year or two to do what you KNOW you need to do now.

 

The ONLY way to feel nothing is to stop interacting with him. That is the hardest thing in the world, but it's the only way. Eventually you will not care. It's your only way out Sara.

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Hope Shimmers
Eventually you will not care. It's your only way out Sara.

 

I promise you... if you do this, however hard it is at first, in the end you will get to the point where you do not care. I promise you.

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SycamoreCircle

OP, I can only be so sympathetic to your pain. You need to pull yourself together. Talk of killing yourself?! No matter what age your children are, do you have any idea how that would affect their lives? I understand you've been through hell and back, but you need to ask yourself how much you contributed to that hell?

 

Do not contact this man. Cut him off completely. Under no circumstances involve yourself with him ever again.

 

You need a counselor. You need to find some balance. And finally you need to be with your family.

 

Regarding anti-depressants---the pain is real and there. Numbing it will only postpone what you have to feel to get through this.

 

Keep coming back here for support and tough love!

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Sara Nicole

He has text me this morning and I haven't replied. That was two hours ago. He doesn't seem to care that I haven't and that hurts but I'm trying to cut some contact although it's hurting very badly.

My children are all in their teens and the hatred they seem to feel towards me is contributing to my feelings of depression. They blame me for leaving their dad and they are gravitating towards him and away from me more and more. I was always the one that did everything for them. Their dad was never that interested but now he's playing dad of the year and all this on top of everything else is tearing me apart. These are all reasons I feel so down. I feel like my whole life has changed and fallen apart around me and I don't know how to get back to being happy again

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SycamoreCircle

You did something which seriously fractured the trust of your family. You MUST suffer the consequences. But, you are HUMAN, with all the frailties of being human. Your children and your husband still love you. You need to start focusing on baby steps to gain stability for yourself. If there's any way to block that guy from texting you, do so. DO NOT reply to him even to tell him that it's over, as some posts have suggested.

 

Once you gain some stability for yourself, then focus on your children. It will most likely require you to divulge your secret. If they have half a brain, they probably already suspect it. They will scorn you even more once they know the truth. But then and only then can the healing begin.

 

Keep pouring out all the anger, confusion and sorrow here.

 

It can save you. I promise.

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I have realized that the pain of ending it isn't so much that you are so in love with them. Much of the pain comes from the fact that you betrayed yourself and allowed yourself to be treated in a less than respectful way. If you begin to stand up for yourself and for what you need, you will begin to feel stronger.

 

Hugs to you. This is all so very hard, but I know that you can come out the other side stronger than you ever were.

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ChasingHope

OP, let me share some of my story--I too fell for a MM I work with. We met at the end of 2011, and because of our role within the organization, we became very good friends. He has been there for me during my break ups, but I realized that I knew NOTHING about him and his personal life. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that he wears a wedding ring, I could completely forget he was married. If someone brought up his wife around me, he would walk away (very awkward). We started to have an EA last year, and I completely cut him off for about 6 months because I knew where things were going. However, at the end of last year we started communicating again, and by the beginning of this year, things became physical. About a month ago, he abruptly ended things over an email because his pregnant wife was close to giving premature birth, and the guilt was "killing" him. Since then, we have exchanged emails that have only been about work, and the few times we have run into each other, we have exchanged perfunctory hello's. Nothing more.

 

It has been hard, believe me, but it is getting easier. I ADORED this man--for three years I compared him to any guy I dated (even before the A). I am 34, single, never married, no children. I thought he was the perfect man for me (taking out the being married and expecting a child part). And though my hero-worship of him has lessened considerably, I still think he is a good person. I am taking great pains to avoid him at all costs, unless I absolutely have to communicate with him. And even then, I keep my emails to the point, with no deviation from the matter at hand. He has not tried to "be friends" either.

 

What I am trying to say is--it WILL get easier for you. But you need to cut him off completely. I have went thru many many many breakups, and the only way I have gotten over them is to eliminate them from my life. It does help, believe me. And instead of focusing on your children's anger, you should take comfort in them. They may be angry now, but that will pass. Being angry at your parents is just part of being a teenager. Perhaps they could benefit from counseling and dealing with the changes in their life. As for anti-depressants--taking them is a decision only you and your doctor can make. They are not a "quick-fix"--the pain of the break up will still be there. But I have taken them for breakups in the past, and they have helped me deal with my emotions, instead of letting them overwhelm me. And as I healed, I was able to stop taking them.

 

I will leave you with this--STOP/CEASE ANY CONTACT WITH HIM. It will be hard at first, you will cry, you will hurt, you will have to force yourself to perform day to day functions. But by degrees, you will feel better.

 

I am so sorry you are going thru this, but please remember that you are not alone.

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Sara Nicole

I'm a fool. He's coming round later to talk on my suggestion. I know I'm an idiot. I know I have to stop but this is what I meant about not being able to. Everytime I think I've had enough and I'm not going to bother with him I end up running around after him again. Begging him almost to try with me. Telling him what I need from him and he never listens, never tries. If I had the willpower to stop trying I know it would fizzle out and we would be over without me even ending it. But it's like I need someone to physically stop me bothering with him. I'm like a stupid teenager instead of a 42 year old. I'm weak I'm stupid and I'm making a complete fool of myself with him I know. Everything is suffering. My home life, my job I've even got an exam tomorrow and I can't concentrate on anything but him. It's like some sort of stupid obsession. I've never been like this in my life. I've never been a fool over any man until now. It's like he's got me under a spell and I can't get out. It's hopeless. People are trying to help I know but I just can't break free. I'm trapped like this forever I just know it. That's why I feel there's no point anymore. I can't be with him and I can't be without him

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Everything you have described has nothing to do with love. You are exactly right - you are acting "just like a teenager" who is allowing infatuation to get in the way of proper thinking. Go back and read your posts - your adulterous relationship with a man who is using you for his own selfishness is impacting how you now think about every area of your life. Your relationship with your children, your job, your preparation for a test, and even the way you feel about yourself!

 

Do you think that this is going to continue and not be exposed? What one positive element is this affair bringing to your life? Don't you have a friend who you can contact and spill your guts to - who can then take you by the hand and help you do what's best for yourself? This is not going to end well - very few affairs do. I hope you will contact a counselor, a Pastor, or someone who cares about you and find some help to get out of this. You deserve better - and so does this man's wife.

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Hope Shimmers

Sara, one of the things I did when getting out of my affair was to read about relationship addiction, and being addicted to a person even when you consciously realize the situation is wrong and is hurting you. It's much like any other addiction, and that's why you feel helpless to break free.

 

In fact you are NOT helpless - you have all the power to do it. You just have to take that power back that you have - until now - been handing over to him.

 

If you don't feel you can do it all at once, then baby steps. Just work on getting through one day at a time and please see someone who can help you.

 

For what it's worth, I strongly disagree with the previous poster who said that "antidepressants just numb your emotions". In no way is that true. Depression is a physiologic disease, just like diabetes or cancer. People just don't understand that. It can very often be triggered by devastating events in your life. Most antidepressants work by increasing the level of serotonin ("feel good" hormone) in your brain that is low in people with clinical depression. That's between you and your doctor, but please don't believe that antidepressants are just "numbing" your feelings. This couldn't be more wrong.

 

It took me years but I got out of the vicious cycle, Sara. It CAN be done. And you WILL do it. One step at a time.

 

As for your kids, you have teenagers who are understandably angry at you because they see you as the "bad guy" right now. Emphasis on "right now", because as they mature that is going to change. They will realize soon that it is much more complicated than your husband being the "good guy" and you being responsible for everything. They just need a fall guy right now, and that's you but they love you and WILL come around.

 

On the other hand, if you do something to yourself they will never, ever recover. Never! Their guilt will blind them for the rest of their lives, once they are able to realize the situation for what it is and they would feel horrible for ignoring you and being angry at you and they would blame THEMSELVES for your decision to do something to yourself - forever. They would never get over it. Don't do this to them - or you!

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