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Sorry for the length of this post but I have just found this site on google and still in shock!

 

Back at the beginning of this year I made the hardest decision of ending my 12 year marriage in which I had been unhappy for the last 2/3 years. We tried for 18 months but I finally realised that there was no love left and ended it.

 

Fast forward to a few months later and things had settled down and we were busy preparing the sale of the house etc and my ex had moved out and my friend suggested I go on a dating website to dip my toes back into the dating world. Anyway, I posted that I was only looking for friendship to start to go on dates with and I got chatting to a few guys and it was fun.

 

There was one particular man who was really funny and sweet and who I started chatting to by email and text and who I clicked with. After a couple of weeks of chatting most days we agreed to meet up for a drink which we did one Friday night and I had one of the best nights I had had in a long time. He was charming, funny and I just didn't want the night to end and he said he felt the same way. He was also separated the same as me after an 11 year marriage with two boys.

 

Over the next couple of weeks we met up for dinner and drink dates and I began to get quite excited because he was so great.

 

Well after knowing him for a couple of months he asked if he could take me away from the evening and go for a meal and stay in a nice hotel. I knew he was asking to take things to the next level and I liked him so much and felt so comfortable that I agreed and we had an absolutely amazing time. We have stayed in constant contact and all was going really well.

 

Unfortunately, today I was quiet at work so went on to my facebook page and pressed the find friends button and it goes through your address book and suggests friends etc and who did it find but of course this man and that's when I discovered that far from being separated there are pics of him and his wife all over his facebook page but worse are the messages from the two of them to each other declaring their love!

 

I feel completely devastated and disgusted with myself. He has lied and betrayed me when I was really vulnerable but has now also made me be a part of an even worse betrayal on his wife who obviously knows nothing about me but is busy exclaiming what a wonderful man she married!

 

I left my marriage because I knew I was unhappy and didn't want to end up having an affair or doing anything else to hurt my exh but now I've become a cheater anyway. I am sitting here switching between getting really upset and really angry and just don't know what to do.

 

Do I contact his wife through facebook straight away and tell her what he's been up to or do I do what I want to do and get him to meet me after work at a coffee shop and just literally ask him how his wife is and repeat the messages from the facebook and tell him what a bas***d he - I want him to have to look at me whilst I tell him how disgusting I find him and how much he has hurt me and then leave him wondering whether or not I will contact his wife to let her know. Luckily he is away until tomorrow so I won't be able to see him before that so have got some time to calm down and decide what I want to do but I guess since I only found out about 2 hours ago I am still in utter shock.

 

Sorry for the long long post but if anyone can offer me some advice I would be really grateful. Thank you .

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That is such a sad story. This is disgusting behaviour on his part.

 

The last thing I would do is meet up with him. He may try and convince you Facebook is all for show.

 

Whilst you have inadvertently become the OW you do not want to knowingly be the OW as that is far worse.

 

I would contact him. Let him know you have discovered the truth and tell him to not make contact under any circumstances ever again OR you will inform his wife. You could tell his wife, but then do you really know this man or what he is capable off??

 

I want to give you a hug. He has treated you terribly 8-(

 

For the record, I have joined a dating site...I'm not really ready to date but I stay clear of people who are 'separated' and those looking for 'friends'.

 

Do not let this man discourage you from dating!!

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We are assuming you had unprotected sex with him?

 

Then, yes, contact his wife and tell her. And get tested for STD's immediately and tell her to do the same. You can just tell him that you discovered the truth and to not contact you again.

 

Who knows how many others he has lied to.

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BeeLindaCarlyle

Hello garterj,

 

First let me say that I am truly sorry, I understand what you are going through. Unfortunately, (and this will sound harsh) but for a lot of us.

This is the new life of dating, and you will have to develop thick skin.

You see, like you I was in a LONG marriage. I married young and was in that cocoon of the walls of marriage. When you are in that womb and you have tried to live in it the way you should, (trying to make it work), you have to learn to walk again. So to speak.

 

Like you, I embarked on the bone-yard that is the online dating as we know it today. But whether it's online or just out in your neighborhood, it is the new world of dating. You will find your way through it. Either you will keep on doing it and become much much wiser, or you will decide it is not for you.

 

I believe those "dating sites" should come with a disclaimer that all people on here, might not be what they seem. They may be liars, cheaters and just looking for some new meat to try out.

 

Okay, that being said. What this guy did to you was absolutely a SH**

thing to do. He knows it, you know it. TOO bad you hadn't check his FACEBOOK first eh? I bet you will be checking from here on out though!

Hey there is nothing wrong with it. Trust comes after they have earned it.

You have to protect yourself in this.

 

On what you should do. That is a hard one. I know you want like H888

to make him pay for what he's done to you. But do you really think he

would be hurt? He will try to explain it all away and make you love him again.That's what they do. He will NOT leave his wife. I beg you, please please don't fall for it.

 

I would however confront him with it, and perhaps let him know that he

will be caught one day. He will be made to answer for what he is doing to

women like you. Then luv, I would move on fast, don't look back. You are worth more than that. You deserve to be cherished and treated with respect. Take it slow and easy. Dip your toes in again when you're ready. You will be better prepared for it next time. Be kind to yourself right now, recognize the hurt, and accept it. But don't make yourself the bady, you did not know.

 

My best to you,

xoxo

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Thank you for your kind responses. Fortunately I did not have unprotected sex so should have no worries there - I just feel so stupid, how could I not see he was married but there really were no signs and with his job I guess it is easy to tell his wife he was working so could always get away to see me.

 

I guess what hurts most is all the conversations about the hard times I had with my ex and what I was going through and he would tell me stories of his own and I thought we were both going through the same things. I was really angry and I know if I saw him right now I'd probably go mad but I just feel really down and upset. He has two small children and I don't want to be the one to break their family up and cause his wife all that distress but I really want to tell him I know and see the look on his face and listen to his explanation or see the shock on his face when he realises I know and he can't lie anymore - I guess I want my revenge by telling him I know but I don't want to get it by upsetting his family - they have done absolutely nothing wrong. His wife looks lovely on facebook and I just feel so sorry for her - she literally gushes how lucky she is to be with him as he is so wonderful.

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BeeLindaCarlyle

Oh and to give you a little hope and cheer.

 

I finally found a wonderful man. We are living together now and finding life great in the present moment.

 

This came for me after nearly giving up and leaving this planet.

 

My new journey took me through another country and back, three men, and a lot of tears.

 

But for now I am at the most peace I've been in a long time!

 

You may arrive sooner, or a little later than I. :)

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Thank you BeeLindaCarlyle, I am not worried about him explaining it away - he fills me with nothing but disgust now I know. My father was a cheat and I always vowed not to do that, so there is no way I would ever want to be with him again, especially knowing how obviously happy he actually is with her but still feels entitled to cheat with other women. I just don't want him to get away with it, I want him to feel the fear of me maybe telling for a few days which might make him think twice about doing it again.

 

The thing is I really wouldn't tell his wife as I would hate to cause that pain to her (I know that some would say I was doing her a favour but I feel so ashamed and don't think I would be able to admit to her what I have done with her husband and also to know that it was partially my fault that she would be hurting).

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Seriously this guy won't care that you know. He didn't try and hide it all that well if he gives you his real name and you uncover his status via Facebook. He's more likely thinking - great she knows the truth now so how can I persuade her to carry on seeing me knowing all this mmm? That is why it could be your undoing in meeting him face to face.

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PerfectStorm

I'm sorry OP. I had this happen once also. Met a guy, talked for a couple weeks. But I looked him up on fb after the first date, before I slept with him thankfully. Imagine my surprise when I found the pictures of his wife & kid, relationship status very public and married.

 

He said he was divorced with no kids.

 

Needless to say I flipped & never saw him again. He tried contacting me for months after. I ignored him. Some men, really aren't even very good at their own game.

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It is pretty common for people who have just ended a LTR or marriage to have difficulties in the dating world.

 

Coming from a relationship... you are used to loyalty, constant communication and exclusion of others. It is a comfortable bubble to live in. The dating world is often a shock because there are no agreements to keep things exclusive. It will feel wrong, almost heartless at first. You find that in this world there are no contracts, no guarantees of monogamy whatsoever.

 

These free spirited "daters" may have repelled you, and you consciously or unconsciously found yourself in a situation with a married man. It probably felt familiar on an emotional level.

 

The pain is still fresh. And yes, You got hurt when you were vulnerable. It might be better to not make yourself vulnerable again by trying to jump into a new relationship right away. If you stay single long enough you see these married men as needy, co-dependent leaches. You will have all the power and they will have none. They will be much easier to spot.

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Sorry to hear your story. Had a similar story...exMM was far from in the process of a divorce. Awful, awful, awful. I think you should confront him with your knowledge. Then close the door and lock it. Tell his wife if you are comfortable doing so...if not, that is ok too. Just don't give him anymore of your emotional energy. I hope you heal quickly.

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I think you should just ignore him & move forward with your life. If you tell him, he may start the whole rationalizing game. If you tell his wife, you may be in for a whole world of drama you want no part of. Block his # & be gone.

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The Way I Am

I disagree with you and the general consensus. I think you should tell his wife. Will she believe you? Probably not. But it could open her eyes and if enough women this guy has conned did the right thing an told her, she would eventually see him for who he is.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. You were lied to as much as his wife. Telling doesn't make you responsible for her pain or ruining her marriage. That's all on him. If you don't tell, you are partly responsible for allowing him to get away with causing her pain. And causing pain to all the other women like yourself who he'll lie to to get into bed.

 

This is a pretty extreme comparison, but I can't think of another. What if the guy assaulted you? Would you keep quiet about it because you don't want to be responsible for hurting his wife with that info? Sure you willingly had sex with him. But under false pretenses. You're not a co-conspirator You're a victim of his lies just like she is.

 

I think you should tell her almost exactly what you told us along with profuse apologies. Maybe she'll believe you. Maybe she'll call you a lying slut. No matter what her reaction, you'll have done the right thing. And even if she doesn't believe you, maybe the doubt it will cast will be enough for him to at least quit deceiving other women for a while.

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ForeverTainted

I think it doesn't count if you didn't know. Welcome to the internet age of dating. Chalk it up to experience and be sure to up your screening. Don't let it discourage you. If he was on a dating site chances this wasn't a first time experience for him. And if it was it won't be the last. If you were his wife ask yourself if you would want to know if your husband was trolling for innocent females (i mean he could have went to AM). If you would, take any an all evidence and register mail it to her or something. If you wouldn't move on. I believe in considering what you would want before doing somethinf.

 

And defitly get std tested.

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Hope Shimmers

Been there and done that too...

 

There are MANY married men on online dating sites who don't say they are married. Many will claim to be single. Do your investigative work BEFORE going out with anyone.

 

Even if they say that they are separated, it's MUCH better to let them divorce and have a couple of years to get through the post-divorce process. Trust me on this one.

 

Something strikes me as very odd in this situation, though. Why would this guy (any guy) who was playing this game give his real name to you, knowing that all you have to do is search for his facebook page and find out the truth and potentially let his wife know? That makes NO sense. One could argue that he doesn't care what you think, but certainly, if he is as happy in his marriage as he says and doesn't want his wife to know, then he would protect himself better rather than put himself at risk that you would tell her, no?

 

Just doesn't make sense. Is there any (albeit very small) possibility that he does not know what his W is posting on facebook and that she is posting for him? I have heard of this - people creating their own fantasies on facebook.

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chelsea2011

I wouldn't bother confronting him and handing him his a**. It sounds great, but not a good idea with a guy like him. He's a master manipulator and they have a play book. All he will do is measure your emotional reacton to finding out he is VERY married and then he will turn to that page of the manual for instruction on what to do next. Run for the hills now! It's great you're angry, but no need to show him that. He will find a way to manipulate around it to reel you in. Don't give him that option. Block and walk and work through your anger with someone you can trust or journal it privately so he has no way to find it.

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Livingeachday
Been there and done that too...

 

There are MANY married men on online dating sites who don't say they are married. Many will claim to be single. Do your investigative work BEFORE going out with anyone.

 

Even if they say that they are separated, it's MUCH better to let them divorce and have a couple of years to get through the post-divorce process. Trust me on this one.

 

Something strikes me as very odd in this situation, though. Why would this guy (any guy) who was playing this game give his real name to you, knowing that all you have to do is search for his facebook page and find out the truth and potentially let his wife know? That makes NO sense. One could argue that he doesn't care what you think, but certainly, if he is as happy in his marriage as he says and doesn't want his wife to know, then he would protect himself better rather than put himself at risk that you would tell her, no?

 

Just doesn't make sense. Is there any (albeit very small) possibility that he does not know what his W is posting on facebook and that she is posting for him? I have heard of this - people creating their own fantasies on facebook.

 

Doesn't sound too odd to me - I've met plenty of people (man as well as woman) in the past who were notorious liars and never covered their tracks well - all it took to figure out their lies was some background checking. The problem is that they are good at their game so many of their "victims" just trust them point blank. And they become reckless - they think they are smarter than everybody else, may have gotten away without beeing discovered before etc... If they all really would be smarter than everybody else there would probably be a lot less DDays.

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Thank you so much for all your responses and advice. I haven't decided what I am going to do yet but since he is away at the moment I have time to calm down and look at things with a clear mind in a couple of days.

 

I am still angry right now and doing my best to keep my mind off it. I guess you all are right in that I did trust him too quickly. I did question him on a couple of things when he said he was separated but he was so available and always answered his phones/texts etc and never had times he couldnt call or would not be around which might have given me a clue. The other thing is I don't really go on facebook very much so it was only due to receiving a friend request from an old school friend that I logged on in the first place otherwise I still wouldn't know :(

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DeadEyedSuburbanite

I'm sorry that you find yourself in such a wretched situation. :mad:

 

I wouldn't bother confronting. Almost certainly he'll lie about it: 'our marriage is on the rocks', 'my wife doesn't have sex with me any more', 'we're separating', 'she's verbally abusive but I stay for the sake of the kids', 'we have an open marriage', etc etc.

 

It's extremely common to the point of being a cliche.

 

I disagree with many here: If you are completely certain it's the same guy you're dating, you should tell the wife. She deserves to know what kind of scum sucking mollusc she married. If there is any doubt then obviously stay out of it. But I would drop her a line letting her know that her husband is a faithless dog and to call you if she wants the evidence. And then block his calls and emails. If you warn him in advance he'll just prepare her to 'ignore the crazy lady who is stalking him and trying to ruin his life'.

 

Good luck to you.

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wind willow

You're new to the current state of dating so don't beat yourself up over it. Unfortunately, these dbags are everywhere. And the dbags aren't always married. They come in a lot of different forms these days.

 

At least you found out early enough that you didn't get too attached.

 

and stay in a nice hotel.

 

For future reference, that's a red flag. I don't blame you for not realizing that. From the perspective of someone in a long term relationship, that seems romantic. It's sweet of a long-term boyfriend or a husband to take you to spend the night at a nice hotel.

 

When you've never seen where the guy lives before, it usually means there's a good reason he can't take you to his house. You should find out that reason before sleeping with him or just get out.

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Sorry OP for what you've been put through. I can only imagine the shame, devastation, disgust and anger. I agree with the other posters that confronting him is useless. You need a conscience to feel guilt after all. He sounds like he does not even own a soul.

 

There are master manipulators out there anywhere unfortunately. In real life, amongst friends and co-workers, online and even here at LS. Beware ladies.

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Thank you for your kind responses. Fortunately I did not have unprotected sex so should have no worries there - I just feel so stupid, how could I not see he was married but there really were no signs and with his job I guess it is easy to tell his wife he was working so could always get away to see me.

 

I guess what hurts most is all the conversations about the hard times I had with my ex and what I was going through and he would tell me stories of his own and I thought we were both going through the same things. I was really angry and I know if I saw him right now I'd probably go mad but I just feel really down and upset. He has two small children and I don't want to be the one to break their family up and cause his wife all that distress but I really want to tell him I know and see the look on his face and listen to his explanation or see the shock on his face when he realises I know and he can't lie anymore - I guess I want my revenge by telling him I know but I don't want to get it by upsetting his family - they have done absolutely nothing wrong. His wife looks lovely on facebook and I just feel so sorry for her - she literally gushes how lucky she is to be with him as he is so wonderful.

 

I'm really sorry about what happened to you. This guy is a crap person to do this to you.

 

If you do decide to confront him, I'd advise you do it somewhere where there are people around. Being a cheater doesn't mean he's also violent, but who knows how he'll react. I would be tempted to tell his family, not because I'd been hurt but because I'd feel they deserve to know what a despicable character he is. It would not be a welcome message though, as you know.

 

Just out of curiosity, did you ever ask him directly if he was married? I'm not implying for one minute that you should have - after all, we should be able to trust people - but I wonder how many guys would be able to lie effectively when asked directly. It's probably easier for them to lie by omission rather than respond with a direct untruth.

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Doesn't sound too odd to me - I've met plenty of people (man as well as woman) in the past who were notorious liars and never covered their tracks well - all it took to figure out their lies was some background checking. The problem is that they are good at their game so many of their "victims" just trust them point blank. And they become reckless - they think they are smarter than everybody else, may have gotten away without beeing discovered before etc... If they all really would be smarter than everybody else there would probably be a lot less DDays.

 

Doesn't Facebook search according to email addresses as well as other information? If so, it may have connected his email address from her contacts with the email address on Facebook, thus identifying him. He may not have given her his full name.

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The Way I Am
Doesn't Facebook search according to email addresses as well as other information? If so, it may have connected his email address from her contacts with the email address on Facebook, thus identifying him. He may not have given her his full name.

 

And by phone number if that person has provided it.

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Hi, I had both his email and telephone numbers. We did have a discussion about us both being separated and also told each other how it ended and he even told me how hard he found it as he didn't have his boys with him all the time and he'd tell me where he took them when he had them for weekends etc.

 

I also did get invited to his place but it was a Monday when I was working so didn't go - his family must have been away for the weekend and I am so thankful that I didn't go there.

 

I have made my mind up though. I am going to ask him to meet me after work and go to a coffee shop and I'm going to tell him that I know that he is married and his wife obviously has no idea what he has been getting up to. Then I'm going to ask him to there and then delete all my contact details and that I don't want to hear from him again or else I will be contacting his wife!!

 

Thank you for all your support and I know I'm lucky to have found out so quickly as it seems most of you who have already fallen in love and find it much harder to escape the situation.

 

xx

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