Rekindled after 18 years, but now a MM

[hidden one]

Ok so first post on here, and its a biggie, well for me anyway.

I am currently having a mostly online EA with an ex from many years ago, 18 to be precise.

We met through a club, and it was instant attraction. He was 12 years older than me and i was 28 at the time. He decided to have a break from his gf, but we kept is just between us as he didnt want to hurt her, or cause any conflict. In the end he decided to get back with her due to a whole raft of things (physically coerced a bit from her relatives, persuaded that she needed a father for her children, they are not his, and knowing he couldnt give me children which he thought i wanted) and we split... I was devastated and it took a long time to get over him, i guess i never did really.

Flash forward 18 years, me married/divorced no kids there due to some lies from hubby and now with a partner of 8 years and surprisingly late in life 2 small children, 4&5. We have a ok relationship, a place we have built together, ok sex life but it always seems to be me initiating anything, even a kiss is a major effort on his part, an impulsive cuddle never happens. And that saddens me. I think i had resigned myself to a pretty much sexless rest of life with my current partner.

 

MM eventually married the same gf but only 8 years ago, but its not a happy relationship from what he says... I know i should take that with a pinch of salt But i recall it was not a happy relationship 18 years ago either.

And now he has landed back in my life. He said he has always kept an interest in what i had been doing, and quizzed mutual friends for info. We friended on fb a couple of years ago but i never really responded to any messages, until one day feeling a bit low, so i did. And we are both astounded at how our feelings have barely changed from so long ago, me even more so at his depth of feeling for me, and quite a few regrets at his decision so long ago.

Its been a crazy few weeks, fb messaging like crazy with so many unresolved issues and feelings and i am so conflicted. We have met briefly twice, kissed passionately but no sex, not quite anyway, mostly him wanting to do it right if it happens, not like kids in the back of a car.

 

I have no one to talk to about this and dont wish to involve anyone, but i need to get this out, so you guys are it! ;-) seems crazy to talk to strangers but sometimes that is the best way to see things.

My sister was the only one who knew about the relationship all those years ago but she is still a little mad at him, even now when i mentioned him to her recently.

 

Maybe we just need to make mad passionate crazy love and get it out of our system, i really dont know. Maybe it would be nothing like it was, but if the kissing is anything to go by that wont be the case. I havent gone looking for this but it is bloody hard to ignore something that i remember so vividly.

I just know that i am sometimes in heaven and sometimes in hell... I dont want to hurt my current partner, but i cant stay away from my long ago one. I have cried more in the last month than the last few years, but i have not felt so alive in years either. I know it is wrong, even though i am not married i do have commitments.

It is good to write it down and maybe get insight from those of you who have been there.

[Lady2163]

You and I are close in age and some of the experiences are similar.

 

He's had 18 years to ease out of his current wife's life or to make changes and hasn't. He's going to be with her for the long haul.

 

I've had former MM bounce back into my life from 20 plus years ago.

 

There can be wonderful passion and a comfort of familiarity, BUT....

 

He won't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Your expectations (outside of the bedroom) are very low to non existent. He (and possibly you) will be able to be cake eaters.

 

What if you give in and have sex? Will you be able to spend the night together? Will you be able to go out to eat, be seen in public together? You have to be super careful about telling anyone in your life about this. Remember, Monica Lweinsky at age 24 or so THOUGHT she could trust her best friend, Linda Tripp.

 

What is he doesn't call, text or email for days after the sex?

 

Just from your brief description, it sounds to me he is still trying to show he "still has it".

[Absinthe]

This has a lot of cliches, first and foremost the old classic "my wife doesn't understand meeeee" - yet he's been with her for umpteen years AND chose her over you umpteen years ago.

 

You know you deserve better. Passion or no.

[gettingstronger]

I see some real issues with him as a person- seems that he is unable to make decisions and be honest in his relationships- I am trying to figure out how/why he married his wife and stayed with her for so long if it was unhappy from the git-go.

 

My guess is that people that rekindle on FB are fishing and sent that same message/vibe to numerous ex's to see who takes the bait-

 

You sound sincere and looking for a healthy positive relationship-you are worthy of that so think long and hard before you put your time and energy in to this person-

[adna89]

He is just lying,18 years ago he was lying he was not happy,,,if he was not happy,he would not be with the same woman 18 years later

[hippetyhop]

He is just lying,18 years ago he was lying he was not happy,,,if he was not happy,he would not be with the same woman 18 years later

 

He was comfortable. Kids and finances usually play in this role too.

[adna89]

He was comfortable. Kids and finances usually play in this role too.

 

 

18 years ago he was not yet married,she was his girlfriend,he married her after the affair

[gettingstronger]

He was comfortable. Kids and finances usually play in this role too.

 

 

I'd buy this excuse if divorce was not so common place- so many find a way out of unhappy marriages- if the person you are putting lots of time and energy is not able to do what so many others are, you really have to think if they are worth that time and energy-

[whichwayisup]

Maybe we just need to make mad passionate crazy love and get it out of our system,

 

If you are considering this, you're fooling and lying to yourself. Having sex with him opens the door TO an affair. Not a future relationship. You'll be the OW, hidden away, lying to your partner, father of your 2 young children. You'll be helping him cheat on his wife, betraying her like you would be betraying your own partner (common law spouse).

 

Instead of putting so much energy and time into someone who IS married, why not talk to your partner and do counseling. Work with him to make your own relationship better instead of cheating on him with the MM.

 

Think long term not just in the heat of the moment - Think of your kids and the affect this is going to have on them. You are already emotionally investing in someone else, taking away focus and energy from your home life.

 

You have a lot to lose here, so is flirting and possibly having an affair worth losing all that you have now? Comforts of home, your lifestyle, uprooting your children, changing their lives, losing respect and love from your common law spouse? Really think. Do you believe that this MM will dump his wife of 18 years for you and start over? be a step father to your 2 young children? Does he have kids as well?

 

I say RUN and don't look back. The past is in the past and if you two were meant to be together it would have happened years ago...before you both committed to other people. Let go and shut the door, focus on what is real in your life and fix the problems on going in your current relationship.

[hidden one]

my head agrees pretty much with all of your comments, especially the last one (whichwayisup). It is good to see it written in black and white from others.

I think especially this "There can be wonderful passion and a comfort of familiarity, BUT...."

i know i am missing something vital in my relationship with my partner, and i think I do need to work on it with him. He is shy at times and doesnt seem to realise that R's takes work on both parts, he cant just sit back and be comfortable and say he is too tired, too this and too that to make an effort.

 

I also know deep down I am actually still a bit angry with the MM... he did pick her over me all those years ago and he IS still with her by his choice, I think I need to keep that anger in the forefront and push those wishful/lustful feelings to the back where they need to stay. I dont really believe he would change now and i dont know if that would be what I want either. Still friggen confused about that though!

Every day or 2 I decide I wont talk to him again, and I stay strong till late in the day and about his 3rd message on fb, saying "R u ok?" and then i cave in again and respond.

 

thanks guys, it is good to have some clarity from others.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome..

 

Now I'm going to be blunt, but respectful here..

 

he did pick her over me all those years ago and he IS still with her by his choice,

 

He did and you need to accept that and get over it. To habour feelings for someone for 18 years, still be mad that he chose her over you, is unhealthy. If you are still that attached to him and feeling so deeply, get counseling to help you let go.

 

He wasn't yours to begin with so you really didn't 'lose' him to her.

 

TALK to your partner, make him understand that something is missing in your relationship. Tell him that you've connected with a past flame - Maybe that will wake him up to want to put effort into you and fix things.

 

Tell your MM that the friendship/flirtation thing is a mistake and you need to let go and say goodbye. Cut him out of your life. He isn't leaving his wife to be with you... Delete him off of your facebook then block him.

[hidden one]

no I think you misunderstood me, I had completely taken him out of my mind and moved on long ago.

 

The fact that we started talking and then met briefly kindof showed me that I hadn't so much moved on as blotted it all out... it all came rushing back like those last years had not ever been. I think what really surprised me is that he 'proclaims' as much emotion about it as well.

Thanks for your thoughts, it all helps me be strong and not give in

[dreamingoftigers]

Neural connections are funny things. They don't necessarily degrade all that much over the years as lay dormant in some cases.

 

But the time and the context for those connectiins have changed.

 

It's the equivalent of throwing on neon spandex, boatloads of hairspray and those ridiculous 80s bracelets in 2014. It must be fun to escape into an emotionally-charged part of your past just like watching the old school My Little Pony with my daughter takes me back to my childhood and. How I owned most of those ponies as a girl.

 

Now, you see, I am not five anymore. It isn't the same context for me. I am not going to throw a temper tantrum if someone were to take away a toy pony from me (well, most likely) but they DID mean something pretty special to me at one time. And I like to share those memories with my daughter. (Interestingly enough the my little pony movie from back then is kinda gross in hindsight and those ponies are sure bullies and shamers, but I digress.)

 

But Memory Lane is a block to visit fondly from time to time, not a place to move to.

 

I spent five years living on Memory Lane (no, not an affair) and it very nearly destroyed my whole life. Just like you are doing to yours. The context has changed in 18 years. It might be fun to relive the feelings but it will become as ridiculous as 1996. I mean, really? 1996.

 

We changed centuries since 1996! You left this guy back in the last millenium and you are hoping for a more successful sequel?

This romance was marked CLEARANCE before Y2K, 9/11, do you realize that the 888 toll-free area code was introduced in 1996?

 

So somewhere between 888 and Russia invading Crimea, he hasn't figured out that he's unhappy enough to leave his wife?

 

I have a five year old daughter myself. She's the world to me and has dealt with enough crap alrwady. I myself had an adulterous parent and know the scars that come with it.

 

I had trouble dealing with it in my 20s. Unfortunately I was also put in a position by a member of my parent's staff to discover the affair. So a very significant part of what I believe is that I categorically refuse to put my kid(s) through any type of security-shattering pain like that. Even if they don't fully understand NOW. (And I believe my daughter would smell a rat in less than five minutes) they would come to understand and put the pieces together and shatter their hearts. My five year old shpuld be worrying about which Equestria Girl is her favorite and "can we go to the park RIGHT NOW?" Instead of why are Mommy and Daddy sleeping in separate rooms and Daddy is super-pissed at Mommy who's now crying all the time for some reason.

 

You aren't 18 anymore. In fact you are only a few years older than I am. Do you know what else started 1996? Hotmail. Hotmail was released in 1996. I had dial-up internet.

 

I hope to God that both of you have grown as people since then. I know I have. I turned 18 in year 2000. You couldn't give me $10K to date the guys I dated when I was 18. You could barely give me the same amount for the guys I dated in my early 20s. And I was engaged 3 times! Madness!

 

And this is madness too. You don't actually KNOW him anymore and seriously, like most peopke that use outside relationships as an escape (hint, hint) he's conflict-avoidant. If his relationship is as unhappy as he claims, he's half the problem by not setting any real boundary with his spouse over what his issues are. And the same goes for you.

 

Your SO may have issues but how in the world will cheating on him help that at all?

You can't trust the guy you are cheating with at all. He sounds about as mature as he was at 30 when other people were "directing" him who to

marry (seriously? Does anyone even buy these arranged/forced/convenience stories anymore from an MM?). And so when this cluster-mess ends and you're grieving the thing, just how receptive is your current spouse going to be about "changing" to suit your needs, if he's even there at all?

 

You'll have taken the same problem and made it worse.

 

Not to mention STD risk from Mr. Cavalier. God help you if you get pregnant by the dipsh*t.

These things happen.

 

That hasn't changed since Dolly the Sheep was cloned.....in 1997.

 

He was QUOTE=hidden one;5814054]no I think you misunderstood me, I had completely taken him out of my mind and moved on long ago.

 

The fact that we started talking and then met briefly kindof showed me that I hadn't so much moved on as blotted it all out... it all came rushing back like those last years had not ever been. I think what really surprised me is that he 'proclaims' as much emotion about it as well.

Thanks for your thoughts, it all helps me be strong and not give in

[hidden one]

This romance was marked CLEARANCE before Y2K, 9/11, do you realize that the 888 toll-free area code was introduced in 1996?

 

So somewhere between 888 and Russia invading Crimea, he hasn't figured out that he's unhappy enough to leave his wife?

 

 

Your SO may have issues but how in the world will cheating on him help that at all?

You can't trust the guy you are cheating with at all. He sounds about as mature as he was at 30 when other people were "directing" him who to

marry (seriously? Does anyone even buy these arranged/forced/convenience stories anymore from an MM?). And so when this cluster-mess ends and you're grieving the thing, just how receptive is your current spouse going to be about "changing" to suit your needs, if he's even there at all?

 

You'll have taken the same problem and made it worse.

 

Not to mention STD risk from Mr. Cavalier. God help you if you get pregnant by the dipsh*t.

These things happen.

thank you for making me smile, it is good to look at it from that view!

Although most of the refs dont really work as well when you aren't in the USA or even further north, still appropriate though. Its nice to look at it from the absolutely crazy POV as well, which is where I should put this problem!

 

some have mentioned about he may have put out on Fb to see who responded... maybe, but I dont think so, he has only ever had 3 sexual partners in his life, he married 2 of them and I was the other, obviously at different times. (yes I know that's from him and I will take that with a grain of salt as well!) STD's would be more likely from my side not his, and pregnancy? BIG GRIN, ahhh nope

 

...and FWIW i'm actually 46, (he is 58, yes we both should know better), I remember the turning of Y2K very well being from a country first to see it.

Edited July 22, 2014 by hidden one

[dreamingoftigers]

thank you for making me smile, it is good to look at it from that view!

Although most of the refs dont really work as well when you aren't in the USA or even further north, still appropriate though. Its nice to look at it from the absolutely crazy POV as well, which is where I should put this problem!

 

some have mentioned about he may have put out on Fb to see who responded... maybe, but I dont think so, he has only ever had 3 sexual partners in his life, he married 2 of them and I was the other, obviously at different times. (yes I know that's from him and I will take that with a grain of salt as well!) STD's would be more likely from my side not his, and pregnancy? BIG GRIN, ahhh nope

 

...and FWIW i'm actually 46, (he is 58, yes we both should know better), I remember the turning of Y2K very well being from a country first to see it.

 

 

Well, i thought you were 18 when things stsrted and it had been 18 years since. Sorry.

[hidden one]

Well, i thought you were 18 when things stsrted and it had been 18 years since. Sorry.

its cool!

 

dont think I would want to be 18 again, EVER!

[MayP]

Well... In my attempt to 'keep busy' and do NC, I been reading LS and realized many of such re-connection cases. I have my suspicions that Facebook and all these social media are causing all the trouble AND heartbreaks!