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Anger Lives On


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Hope Shimmers

Guess I still need the support of some of my friends here.

 

As some of you know, it's been years since my A ended. It took me more years to get past it, and I haven't been angry for really quite awhile. But something (I don't even know what) triggered the anger in me again yesterday.

 

Mostly it is about the huge amount of money I "loaned" him that I won't get back. It's both the issue of the money itself and knowing I won't ever get it back, but as well it's the feeling of being completely taken advantage of and used.

 

I sent him an email which was not at all nice (facts, but the facts are not nice) and I demanded that he pay me back. Trouble is, I am not going to get blood from a stone.

 

I don't understand why the anger came back. I have long ago gotten past the "wanting" him and the hurt and pain of him not being in my life. And I have tried to get past losing all that money. But I just can't get past that, and the anger is still there. I still think about it a lot, how I want that money back. How do I accept it and get past it and move on?

 

I did say in a previous post here at LS in response to someone a few weeks ago that he gave it back to me. He didn't. I just couldn't deal with more criticism from posters at that time. I knew (and KNOW) how stupid I was to give him money, and it's a hard pill to swallow. I hate myself for being so stupid.

 

He hasn't even made one effort to give even one dime of it back to me. Even if he would have made an EFFORT, it would have been much different. It's that lack of effort at all that hits me in the face.

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That is so slimy on his part. Not only was he a cake eater, but a user as well. I hope you get paid back.

 

Anger is a funny thing. And, I get mad at myself and my exhusband for the fact I wasted the best years of my life with him. It can happen when I look I the mirror or get weighed or have doctors appointments. I wish I'd spent my 20s a lot differently, my life would be different now.

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BrokenPrincess

Do you think/know whether he has the funds to pay you back? Do you have anything in writing about the loan?

 

Maybe call Judge Judy & threat of public exposure will get him to cough it up? :)

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Hope Shimmers

I put nothing in writing and I have no recourse. He doesn't have the money to pay me back and he likely never will, even though he promised he would. It was my bad decision at the time, knowing all of this.

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Hope Shimmers

He was about to foreclose on his house at the time. I wanted to help then so he would not lose his house and have to declare bankruptcy. So he was saved from that.

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Does his wife know about you?

 

If she doesn't, I would call his house up. If she answers I would say hi I "your name". am calling because Mr MM borrowed money to pay his mortgage in 2011 and I am calling to collect. Can you please give him the message.

 

;) no seripously this is what I would do.

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eleanorrigby

Having anyone owe me a significant amount of money eats me alive (which is why I rarely loan, I'd rather just gift them money and write it off, then go nuts waiting for the person to pay me back)

 

Having affair anger on top of "You owe me money!" must combine into a feeling that my rolling in sympathy stomach, tells me must be hideous.

 

If I were you, I'd get my money back.:mad: Screw NC and all of that, I'd hound him till he paid me or die trying.

 

I'm sure I'm giving you the worst advice you will get in this thread.

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Hope Shimmers
Having anyone owe me a significant amount of money eats me alive (which is why I rarely loan, I'd rather just gift them money and write it off, then go nuts waiting for the person to pay me back)

 

Having affair anger on top of "You owe me money!" must combine into a feeling that my rolling in sympathy stomach, tells me must be hideous.

 

If I were you, I'd get my money back.:mad: Screw NC and all of that, I'd hound him till he paid me or die trying.

 

I'm sure I'm giving you the worst advice you will get in this thread.

 

You say that about the worst advice, but that's exactly what I have been thinking. Which is why I posted.

 

I can't get the money back. He will never have it. I was just stupid. I now need to get past it. It was a lot of money (think five figures). I think that hounding him will do nothing but hurt me.

 

Two people in my life who know about the affair both told me the same thing today - that I need to just let it go. That I am just hurting my health and he is winning. I am just not sure how to let it go.

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still_an_Angel

Your intentions were good when you loaned him the money to save his ass. The least he can do is get back to you with a suitable payment arrangement. I would be on his back until he coughs up, don't give up. Maybe you can send back that package of crafts stuff he sent you weeks ago with a firm reminder about the return of what's rightfully yours.

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Hope Shimmers
Your intentions were good when you loaned him the money to save his ass. The least he can do is get back to you with a suitable payment arrangement. I would be on his back until he coughs up, don't give up. Maybe you can send back that package of crafts stuff he sent you weeks ago with a firm reminder about the return of what's rightfully yours.

 

Thank you. What he sent me weeks ago was not 'crafts stuff' but was worth some money, but not even close to what he owes me. At this point that has nothing to do with anything as far as I'm concerned.

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The reason your anger hasn't gone away is that you haven't forgiven yourself for making the mistake of loaning him money--and giving him your heart.

 

Look, you made a mistake. We all do. The important thing is that you have learned a valuable lesson. Just consider the $ as the cost of tuition to the school of life.

 

Of course he was wrong to take advantage of your kindness (weakness), but expecting to receive any kind of retribution from him will only keep you twisted...To move on, leave him out of it--accept that you GAVE it to him & it was a mistake, acknowledge to yourself WHY you did it (Did you think it would make him stay with you? Did you ignore your gut? or ???), promise yourself that you won't do it again, and then tell yourself that you didn't commit a mortal sin & FORGIVE yourself!!!

 

PS The above advice applies to the entire A as well as the $

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Hope Shimmers
Does his wife know about you?

 

If she doesn't, I would call his house up. If she answers I would say hi I "your name". am calling because Mr MM borrowed money to pay his mortgage in 2011 and I am calling to collect. Can you please give him the message.

 

;) no seripously this is what I would do.

 

Yes and no. There are about 10 years of background information to summarize so I'm sorry.

 

Suffice to say, I'm not going to call her up and say anything.

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MuddyFootprints

This relationship was a failed investment, both emotionally and financially. I understand your lingering anger, but trying to recoup even a fraction of that seems like another useless venture. I don't want to sound heartless, knowing what you have been through, but it's time to accept your losses completely.

 

btdt. :(

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If acceptance appears to be a sticking point, especially if its dearth is interfering with forming new relationships or trusting people in general, due to the anger living on, perhaps it's time to get a professional's perspective.

 

IME, with regard to such triggers, I learned (in MC) different ways of processing them. The feelings will likely always be there but identifying different choices, trying them and observing the results and taking the positive choices and implementing them seems to provide a more quickly transitory duration to those feelings.

 

I recall, many years ago, after my first stint as an OM ended, anger and depression set in for a number of years simply due to ignorance in how to process the events and feelings. I would see some aspects, as this 'owed' money underscores, as 'unfinished business' and that unfinished business ate away at me, perhaps not every day but rather through triggers that were completely unrelated to the actual affair events.

 

Finding peace is a wonderful place to be. In that journey I wish you well.

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if you only lost your 20's be extremely grateful. It could be much worse. I am 51 and realized that I gave everything up about myself to raise and care for my family only have have my h betray me in a way that is worse than having an affair. Please me thankful!

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Hope Shimmers
The reason your anger hasn't gone away is that you haven't forgiven yourself for making the mistake of loaning him money--and giving him your heart.

 

Look, you made a mistake. We all do. The important thing is that you have learned a valuable lesson. Just consider the $ as the cost of tuition to the school of life.

 

Of course he was wrong to take advantage of your kindness (weakness), but expecting to receive any kind of retribution from him will only keep you twisted...To move on, leave him out of it--accept that you GAVE it to him & it was a mistake, acknowledge to yourself WHY you did it (Did you think it would make him stay with you? Did you ignore your gut? or ???), promise yourself that you won't do it again, and then tell yourself that you didn't commit a mortal sin & FORGIVE yourself!!!

 

PS The above advice applies to the entire A as well as the $

 

Thanks Survivor. You are right. The reasons at the time were as you said, and now I am mad, and now I need to just leave it.

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Hope Shimmers
If acceptance appears to be a sticking point, especially if its dearth is interfering with forming new relationships or trusting people in general, due to the anger living on, perhaps it's time to get a professional's perspective.

 

IME, with regard to such triggers, I learned (in MC) different ways of processing them. The feelings will likely always be there but identifying different choices, trying them and observing the results and taking the positive choices and implementing them seems to provide a more quickly transitory duration to those feelings.

 

I recall, many years ago, after my first stint as an OM ended, anger and depression set in for a number of years simply due to ignorance in how to process the events and feelings. I would see some aspects, as this 'owed' money underscores, as 'unfinished business' and that unfinished business ate away at me, perhaps not every day but rather through triggers that were completely unrelated to the actual affair events.

 

Finding peace is a wonderful place to be. In that journey I wish you well.

 

Thanks carhill.

 

Peace is SO much what I want. What is funny is that it has been how I have felt, but clearly there is more. Maybe you are right. Maybe I need to find a counselor for how to let go of this.

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Hope Shimmers
This relationship was a failed investment, both emotionally and financially. I understand your lingering anger, but trying to recoup even a fraction of that seems like another useless venture. I don't want to sound heartless, knowing what you have been through, but it's time to accept your losses completely.

 

btdt. :(

 

I know. That's why I just want to get past it. :( You are right. Thank you.

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Hope Shimmers
if you only lost your 20's be extremely grateful. It could be much worse. I am 51 and realized that I gave everything up about myself to raise and care for my family only have have my h betray me in a way that is worse than having an affair. Please me thankful!

 

I'm sorry if I was unclear. :( I am in my 40's. I lost most of my 40's to this affair.

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Hope,

 

Unless the loan has hurt you financially, I strongly suggest you let it go. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and move on. Look at it as a hard and unfortunately expensive lesson learned.

 

I know what it feels to be taken advantage of by people you cared about. I've had former friends use me in the past. It's humiliating and such an awful feeling.

 

Honestly, why don't you cut this man completely out of your life? Block all of his contact information. From reading your previous posts, this man sounds like a complete selfish A hole. Life is way too short for you to waste anymore of your emotions on him. Please forgive yourself and allow yourself to truly heal. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Love is blind and you were trying to help the man you loved.

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AlwaysGrowing

Hope,

 

In my first marriage I left without one thing. Well, except for my daughter. I was wise enough to know, that if I fought for what was mine rightfully.....he would have kept me tied to him for years fighting me. When what I needed ...was to move on. Being that I asked for nothing...he had nothing to contest and I got a fast divorce.

 

I firmly believe that some people are worth paying to get them OUT of your life.

 

Looks like you met one too.

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He obviously needed it more than you, not to make excuses for him, but maybe he truly CAN'T pay it back and its humilating and emasculating to have to say so.

I'd try to QUIETLY forgive him...don't tell if you do....just think...you did something you would do for any friend in need.

In this case you paid for your freedom.

Who looks like the good guy here and can walk away with head held high?!? Y-O-U...not him...you did a nice thing, he looks like a douche, you dodged a bullet, he has to look in the mirror each day knowing he was a jerk. You dont.

Now....never look back...block and go on. Your worth a million...not a loan payment. Peace.

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jellybean89

Hope, he man not be able to pay a lump sum back, but he could send $10 a week; $50 a month as a gesture of faith...that would show me he does respect you and isn't a user.

 

The fact that he hasnt shows you the type of jerk he is.

 

I'm sorry today was touch for you

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Guess I still need the support of some of my friends here.

 

As some of you know, it's been years since my A ended. It took me more years to get past it, and I haven't been angry for really quite awhile. But something (I don't even know what) triggered the anger in me again yesterday.

 

Mostly it is about the huge amount of money I "loaned" him that I won't get back. It's both the issue of the money itself and knowing I won't ever get it back, but as well it's the feeling of being completely taken advantage of and used.

 

I sent him an email which was not at all nice (facts, but the facts are not nice) and I demanded that he pay me back. Trouble is, I am not going to get blood from a stone.

 

I don't understand why the anger came back. I have long ago gotten past the "wanting" him and the hurt and pain of him not being in my life. And I have tried to get past losing all that money. But I just can't get past that, and the anger is still there. I still think about it a lot, how I want that money back. How do I accept it and get past it and move on?

 

I did say in a previous post here at LS in response to someone a few weeks ago that he gave it back to me. He didn't. I just couldn't deal with more criticism from posters at that time. I knew (and KNOW) how stupid I was to give him money, and it's a hard pill to swallow. I hate myself for being so stupid.

 

He hasn't even made one effort to give even one dime of it back to me. Even if he would have made an EFFORT, it would have been much different. It's that lack of effort at all that hits me in the face.

 

It sounds to me like you want HIM back - and that's why you contacted him. Especially years after the A ended. The money sounds like a rationalized excuse to make contact with him. You aren't stupid, you loaned money to someone that was just using you. You won't make that mistake again, hopefully. Live and learn. But I would be cautious of convincing yourself that you are emailing him years after the fact "because of the money" because I highly doubt that's really why you want contact with him.

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