Jump to content

Bad to worse to better


Recommended Posts

I'm not a frequent poster but I shared a little about my situation before, mostly that my H ruined our marriage with substance abuse and broken promises and I chose to have an affair after my heart was no longer in the M at all but before I had said so out loud or really understood what was going on in my head or heart, and then fell in love with the AP. An A is not the right way to do it, but it can't be undone and I wouldn't want to undo it in any case. MM and I both decided to exit our Ms and we are doing that, not in the instantaneous fashion people here seem to expect, but every step/action has been forward, none backward, and neither of us has made any excuses.

 

With my H, things were already bad, but became progressively worse - I kept on with the direct communication and kept moving forward with steps to figure out how to leave and do so safely and compassionately, and my H's substance abuse increased in frequency and intensity. The more honesty I brought to the table, the more unpredictable, manipulative, and violent he became. Finally I stopped trying to figure out the "best way for everyone" to get myself out of an awful situation and just left. We've worked out most of the details and things are much better and more stable on all fronts. As is often the case with addicts, he hasn't been employed or employable in years, and I've supported him. So I'm continuing to do so and will until all of this is resolved (and expect to have to pay alimony also). I don't mind the cost of leaving the relationship, and it wouldn't be fair for him to have no resources to help him start over. He doesn't have any immediate family, so he can't get support from parents or siblings. No assets or savings for us to split - any extra (and then some) always went to his addiction.

 

Nar-Anon has been a tremendous help to me and I would recommend it or Al-Anon to anyone dealing with a partner or family member with a substance abuse problem. Just the support from people who understand what it's like has been a huge assist in getting to a healthier place.

 

I feel secure, happy and confident in the relationship with MM. I have a deep sense that we're going to get there, though I figure it will take more time. I don't really understand the common (though not universal) insistence here that everything happen all at once and immediately. As long as there is a plan that remains relatively static/adhered to, forward progress is consistently made, and backtracking doesn't occur, I have a hard time seeing why that is not as viable an option (or more so) than just dropping everything and bolting out the door.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Finally I stopped trying to figure out the "best way for everyone" to get myself out of an awful situation and just left.

 

 

Look at your own words. Leaving means you leave. The small details can be worked out later just as you are doing. A bunch of talking and planning doesn't amount to anything. Actually leaving is what counts as leaving.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Leaving is only one step in completely ending a M officially. The "everything instantaneous" attitude would also have every person who has decided they want to D not only immediately tell the spouse and leave, but file for D already and finalize it all as fast as possible and say nothing counts until everything has been done.

 

In fact, plenty of posters here get the same line when they have an AP who has separated, or filed for D, or what have you. It is really the attitude and not the specifics that don't make sense to me. Making it all happen as fast as possible and attempting to do everything at once is not the only nor necessarily the best way to exit a long-term relationship like a M. Of course, many MM or MW will string along the AP with promises (that later fall through) or excuses (that slow things down) or backtracking (reconsidering giving the M another try, for the W or for the kids or what have you). If none of those things are happening (broken promises, excuses, backtracking), and progress is occurring, then physically leaving is just one larger step in a series of steps required to end the relationship.

 

Exiting a relationship is a process that can be done in more than one way. Just because it isn't happening at warp speed doesn't mean it isn't happening or won't. All or nothing immediately is not the only way to conduct one's life.

 

In my own situation, it wasn't just small details. I ended up homeless for a while after I left and I would have preferred to have avoided that, but just how bad the situation was outweighed my attempts to plan my exit. I was trying to save up money, find a place to live before leaving. If my H had kept his act together a little better, the fact that the M was unhappy and in my estimation over would not have been reason enough to render myself temporarily homeless and I would have waited to leave until I had a plan in place.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jellybean89

Not sure where you are getting your "everyone must leave immediately" judgment from, but most people, if unhappy, tend to divorce, not have an affair.

 

As you may read on here, so many AP's are lead down a path that doesn't end well. They spend years being the hidden affair person: their self esteem plummets, their independence plummets, their entire personality can change...all because some married person told them "I love you and want a life with you". The AP expected the cheater to back up their words, not leave them hanging with lies and excuses.

 

So your affair is working out for you -- good for you. Hopefully, the MM doesn't take years to divorce that woman he doesn't love.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Whilst I understand the sentiment of gradually preparing to leave, both mentally and practically - for the BS (when the leaving finally does occur) it will be very sudden. The APs are preparing for their own needs. If they had true care and consideration, they'd include the BS in the process.

 

Not many do that. I've never been a BS, but I should imagine that all the hints and signs and presenting her with a long thought out plan won't compensate for the suddenness of HER situation.

 

Of course, maybe she is privy to all these plans, but I don't think one method over another is "the best way"

 

As such, that shock she experiences could put a spanner in even the most well thought out and considered plans. So.. just be aware of that.

Edited by Mascara
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Leaving is only one step in ending a marriage but I think it's the first and most important step. I don't think everything has to happen immediately and instantaneously. I think the first step is to leave and then all of the other stuff gets sorted out later.

 

 

Leaving is also the hardest step. I think people can plan and talk about leaving until they're blue in the face, but not actually have the courage to follow through when the time comes. I've had friends talk (fantasize) about how they want to leave their marriages for years but they never do and nobody believes they will.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Neither BS is aware of the affair, but they are aware of everything else. MM and his W have been to MC more than once in the past several years but are currently in divorce counseling because MM stated he wants a divorce and wants to work it through respectfully. My H has known for many months, almost a year that my feelings had changed and I felt done; I made that clearer over time as my feelings failed to change and at this point he has known for some months that I want a D.

 

BSs do not know about the affair, but both have been included in the relationship separation and D process.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think you need to bolt out of the door. If divorcing is a mutual agreement with both BS's then waiting a bit might not be a bad idea. However, if one of the BS's don't want the divorce then prolonging the inevitable might give them false hope.

 

I think if you and your MM both want a divorce whether you end up together or not, you will have a higher chance of making it in the long run. Just remember to prepare for a possible fall out. Affairs have a way of coming out. This might cause major set backs and problems. Especially if there's children involved. I wish you luck!

Edited by violet1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Hopefully, the MM doesn't take years to divorce that woman he doesn't love.

 

I never said he doesn't love her - love is a tricky thing and there are so many different kinds of love. I don't think romantic love is happening anymore, but other kinds of love and affection I would think would still be present - which is part of the reason why one doesn't want to just kick the STBX in the teeth and take off. A spouse with a heart still cares and wants to treat that person with some measure of compassion.

 

But if he did take years, as you say, to divorce her - that would be okay. I have my own limits and parameters set and I'm not going to be hanging on, waiting forever (and he knows it). Who cares if he takes years? If he does it timely, we have the opportunity to be together. If not, I have a great life ahead of me, with or without him. He doesn't define or circumscribe me. We have an opportunity for something great and fulfilling, but if he makes a different choice or fails to follow through, so be it.

 

He can't string me along. I'm too strong to be led. So far, it has not been an issue; if it became one, it would simply mean the string would break.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I don't think you need to bolt out of the door. If divorcing is a mutual agreement with both BS's then waiting a bit might not be a bad idea. However, if one of the BS's don't want the divorce then prolonging the inevitable might give them false hope.

 

I think if you and your MM both want a divorce whether you end up together or not, you will have a higher chance of making it in the long run. Just remember to prepare for a possible fall out. Affairs have a way of coming out. This might cause major set backs and problems. Especially if there's children involved. I wish you luck!

 

Thank you. I think it's a combination of what you're saying. And it's hard to tell exactly what's happening as things develop (including in my own situation). I think MM is close to agreement with his W on divorce. In my case, less agreement, but a certain resignation, because he knows how much wrong, betrayal and abuse he has perpetrated in our relationship. He said he knows I have every reason to divorce him.

 

I know the affair could come out later, or now. We're stuck with that. Even if we just put the affair on hold now until we were both divorced, there would still be the time before. And one way or another it's possible that could come out.

 

There are no perfect answers. I think we have a good chance, though, at a good future.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...