Scarlet2 Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I was wondering if any OW here try initiating get togethers with their MM and what the results are. Like does he say yes sometimes, or yes all the time, or does he always say no and you have to wait for him to want to see you? Mine is always telling me no when I try to spend time with him and I'm wondering if it's lack of interest or is it automatic for him to say no since he's married and is expected to thwart all advances but somehow makes it okay in his mind if he's the one initiating? I've told him my concern of feeling rejected when he tells me no and he's like I'm not rejecting you, I'm just busy, please understand. I don't know how to stop feeling that way. Even when I had a boyfriend that I didn't have to share I would always get a no whenever I initiated. Are females not supposed to initiate? What can I do to start getting a yes? If I start saying no to him when he initiates, what will happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Every single time I asked him to get together he said yes... typically it was initiated by him ... And sometimes I turned him down .. but when I did ask he was always there regardless of day, time or what was going on... For what it's worth I don't think that that is typical in affairs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cdngirl5279 Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 My situation was the same as Nothisgirl. He was there for me regardless of the day or time. Sometimes I had to turn him down due to other commitments or obligations. I also agree that my situation wasn't typical in affairs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I've told him my concern of feeling rejected when he tells me no and he's like I'm not rejecting you, I'm just busy, please understand. I don't know how to stop feeling that way. Why would you want to stop feeling that way? You ARE being rejected. Fact is, he wants you to be available when he needs you, but he doesn't want to be responsible for YOUR needs. If I start saying no to him when he initiates, what will happen? You would know better than me. Maybe he'd panic and cling tighter, saying all the things you want to hear so you won't leave. Maybe he'd start seeing you less often, and go find another OW. Maybe he'd get angry because you aren't there for him, meeting his expectations. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
randomwoman Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I was wondering if any OW here try initiating get togethers with their MM and what the results are. Like does he say yes sometimes, or yes all the time, or does he always say no and you have to wait for him to want to see you? Mine is always telling me no when I try to spend time with him and I'm wondering if it's lack of interest or is it automatic for him to say no since he's married and is expected to thwart all advances but somehow makes it okay in his mind if he's the one initiating? I've told him my concern of feeling rejected when he tells me no and he's like I'm not rejecting you, I'm just busy, please understand. I don't know how to stop feeling that way. Even when I had a boyfriend that I didn't have to share I would always get a no whenever I initiated. Are females not supposed to initiate? What can I do to start getting a yes? If I start saying no to him when he initiates, what will happen? Hello, Wanted to let you know that I completely understand this post. I'm also an initiator and I've been rejected by this MM countless times. It bothers me very much because all I want to do is spend time with him but he avoids it at all costs. He does not avoid the EA part of the relationship,however, which makes it worse for me. I think we must just choose unavailable avoidant men. I've google searched this countless times and there are very few results. Typically men do not reject a woman's invitations unless there is something very mentally wrong with them. This is especially the case when the men have no problem participating in an emotional affair for years. I think it's female attention they never got and they are very afraid once they start us on the chase because if you're anything like me..I'm very persistent. Sadly, we are in the minority and these men will not change. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I can't even imagine staying in any kind of relationship, including an A, if he doesn't want to spend time with you and tells you no when you initiate. I would be gone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 We kind of take turns initiating. Not intentionally, but sometimes he'll ask my schedule for the following week or vice versa so we can make a plan to see each other. I never turn him down when he asks and he very rarely does me. Normally when he does, it's work related. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio Chick Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Is he a person some would call a 'control freak'? It does seem 'strange' for any relationship, but if he has to be in control of everything, that would be why in my opinion, not necessarily that he's not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Mine is always telling me no when I try to spend time with him and I'm wondering if it's lack of interest or is it automatic for him to say no since he's married and is expected to thwart all advances but somehow makes it okay in his mind if he's the one initiating? He calls the shots. He will decide when he'll see you and spend time with you. This is his way of keeping control of the affair. If you were dating a regular single guy and in a relationship this wouldn't be happening, plans would be made by both of you, it wouldn't be so one sided. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlet2 Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 So my next question is how do you deal with a controller? Adjust and deal with it? Start saying no too? End it? Link to post Share on other sites
Livingeachday Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 That's something only you can decide... You have to ask yourself if you are happy to adjust your behaviour, needs etc to his or not. Don't try to adjust to somebody at the cost of your own happieness. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 MM and I have a pre-arranged day of the week we spend with each other. We try to avoid other appointments on our day together but as with any A, this is not always possible. Sometimes, we can squeeze in a night or something during the week if our schedules permit. We run through events, occasions, kiddie stuff and all that so we more or less know what's happening with each other. For impromptu meetings, we both initiate and understand if the other will have to say no, specially if it's a family thing so its not a rejection but we know where we stand in each other's lives. Maybe its not a control thing at all with your MM, he is married and has obligations. I'm sorry but as OWs, our number in the queue is not in the top 3 (marriage/kids, work, family) much as the MM would like it to be. If you're thinking that if you start saying no will lead to more positive results then you're just starting a game that might hurt you. He has obligations, he can't really say no to those without a really good reason can he? He can't say no to his W or kids and say because he is spending time with you. I'm really sorry Scarlet, I don't mean to sound gloomy, you know we're on the same boat and I totally understand your situation, but we MUST know where we stand in our MM's lives. We've known this since we decided to have a relationship with our MMs. hugs, Angel Link to post Share on other sites
pixiecut Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 mine spent every free 30 mins at my place, every morning about an hour before work on weekdays, lunch hours, if we had it open, and every time his W would go to get nails done, to the mall, every time he went out without her (which was very often since she did not really wanna do anything with him much), sometimes scheduling meetings with clients that took half an hour and take longer. every weekend she was out of town he spent over at my place as well. I do not remember who initiated it most, but since we were in touch every waking hour of every day basically always knowing each others schedules hour to hour it kind of worked out naturally. only once i told him not to come because i was pissed and he ended up driving away from my building after i did not give in and let him in. other than that every spare minute was spent together, it was kind of assumed/given. Link to post Share on other sites
enya46 Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 mine spent every free 30 mins at my place, every morning about an hour before work on weekdays, lunch hours, if we had it open, and every time his W would go to get nails done, to the mall, every time he went out without her (which was very often since she did not really wanna do anything with him much), sometimes scheduling meetings with clients that took half an hour and take longer. every weekend she was out of town he spent over at my place as well. I do not remember who initiated it most, but since we were in touch every waking hour of every day basically always knowing each others schedules hour to hour it kind of worked out naturally. only once i told him not to come because i was pissed and he ended up driving away from my building after i did not give in and let him in. other than that every spare minute was spent together, it was kind of assumed/given. Hi pixiecut, So what happened? Why do you speak past tense? Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Mine always satisfy all the requests that I asked - aka delivered the promises, even already hiring a lawyer to divorce the wife. But the MM was back down at the last critical step that when he needs to announce the offical divorce request to his 37 years married wife. I was wondering if any OW here try initiating get togethers with their MM and what the results are. Like does he say yes sometimes, or yes all the time, or does he always say no and you have to wait for him to want to see you? Mine is always telling me no when I try to spend time with him and I'm wondering if it's lack of interest or is it automatic for him to say no since he's married and is expected to thwart all advances but somehow makes it okay in his mind if he's the one initiating? I've told him my concern of feeling rejected when he tells me no and he's like I'm not rejecting you, I'm just busy, please understand. I don't know how to stop feeling that way. Even when I had a boyfriend that I didn't have to share I would always get a no whenever I initiated. Are females not supposed to initiate? What can I do to start getting a yes? If I start saying no to him when he initiates, what will happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Jana3360 Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Stop initiating. Start saying no to him. Fill your life up with other fun things to do with other people so that you don't feel lonely. He should be saying yes to you sometimes. If some guy was saying "no" to me all the time I would be gone. Bye. Have some pride! Link to post Share on other sites
EasternStandard Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 At first, it was mostly me wanting to see her. I was more interested in her at first. Since then it had really depended on who was busier at the time which is most of the time me. Work, kids and the wife come first. She didn't have kids and I never have had to share her with someone else. She isn't always free though. Link to post Share on other sites
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