How to move on when you have a kid with MM.

[LetItGo2014]

I have a son with MM. Although we have ended the our romantic relationship a few months ago, I am still having a hard time to move on largely because I can't implement NC. Because we communicate and meet from time to time for matters related to our son - discuss about which day care to use etc etc.

 

I forced myself and went on to a date last Thursday, but I could not help compare the new guy with him.

 

Any suggestions in terms how I can move on quickly while NC is not an option?

 

any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

 

thanks much in advance.

[Darren Steez]

It's simple. Don't force yourself to do anything? Especially when it comes to dating, you're obviously still not over your ex. Give it time, does the MM's wife know about the kid?

[LetItGo2014]

It's simple. Don't force yourself to do anything? Especially when it comes to dating, you're obviously still not over your ex. Give it time, does the MM's wife know about the kid?

 

Thanks.

 

His wife found about the baby three weeks ago. As I know she knows nothing about me except my last name and where I live. He obviously didn't offer details about me for obvious reasons, but He did say me she's been doing some digging online.

 

I do not know what is going on in their household because he doesn't want to talk about it. He just said it's hostile and he feels like an prisoner in his own house.

 

I did ask if she asked him to have nothing to do with his son. He said she has not specifically said that, but i feel she wants him to have nothing to do with it.

[SoleMate]

OP, it would help you move on if you minimized contact and kept it strictly to essential child topics. Just end the conversation if anything not child-related is said - by either one of you. And how BS is acting and MM is supposedly feeling about it are not remotely necessary to the care of the child.

 

You could also nominate a 3rd party - perhaps a good friend of yours, or family member who's trustworthy, even-handed and calm - simply to be the intermediary for convos about choosing daycares, doctor visits etc. That way there is no risk of being sucked into MM blather.

[William]

Thread starter, my apologies for the off-topic and inflammatory comments. They won't bother you again. Please continue!

[jwi71]

I have a son with MM. Although we have ended the our romantic relationship a few months ago, I am still having a hard time to move on largely because I can't implement NC. Because we communicate and meet from time to time for matters related to our son - discuss about which day care to use etc etc.

 

I forced myself and went on to a date last Thursday, but I could not help compare the new guy with him.

 

Any suggestions in terms how I can move on quickly while NC is not an option?

 

any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

 

thanks much in advance.

 

I shall operate under the assumption that some day, his W WILL find out who you are - and who the child is.

 

Given that, maybe its better to simply call a pow-wow with MM and his W - neutral ground and preferably with your supporters present as well (family, friends, clergy, whoever). Yes INCLUDE the W. No, not her child but it is HER H - and unless they D - she's gonna be around and she's gonna have, at least, considerable influence.

 

Maybe, getting all this in the open can help you move on - or at least help reduce some stress.

[Raena]

Why hasn't he told his wife what is going on and made a decision about what to do about that? I know that's not really anything you have any say in but his wife has every right to know about you and your child.

 

Others have suggested that you involve an intermediary. That might be in your best interest at this point. Have you involved a lawyer and set up custody and visitation yet?

[SoleMate]

Why hasn't he told his wife what is going on and made a decision about what to do about that? I know that's not really anything you have any say in but his wife has every right to know about you and your child.

This is an interesting topic for us on LS, but it is also an example of a question and line of thinking and discussion that I strongly recommend the OP avoid. The wife's rights are not the responsibility of the OP....the OP should be looking out for 1) her child and 2) herself. Any time OP veers into anything touching on the BS, the marriage, the MM personally, it will not benefit the child and most likely will disrupt the OP's life.

 

Focussing on the BS when advising an ex-AP is something I see a lot here on LS and it is orthogonal to the issues posed. So when we advise the OP, or any former AP who has ended the A, I'd recommend not giving advice in reference to the BS's rights, just the child's and the OP's. My 2c.

 

I hope everyone will agree that the right of a blameless and helpless child should be paramount.

[carhill]

Strictly speaking, there's no need to have direct contact with the child's father, at least near term. Intermediaries, like a lawyer for court and a trusted friend/relative, as suggested by others, can handle physical interactions. That way NC can be maintained during this sensitive time and your focus can be on the most valuable asset in this dynamic, your child.

 

I'd shoot for at least two months of complete NC and then try going on a date and see how you feel. That respects that you've been split up with the fMM for a number of months already. If you go on a date and still think about the fMM, then refrain for two more months. Rinse and repeat until you can go on a date, enjoy yourself with the person in front of you, without triggers to thoughts of fMM.

 

Eventually, you can process things to the point LC with fMM is healthy, then proceed with co-parenting in that fashion. People who divorce with children do that all the time. They move on, gain new partners or remain single and life continues. Good luck!