Role Reversal?

[msoptimistic]

Its been awhile since I've posted, mostly because the advice was open, honest and correct but I didn't want to make the changes to do the right thing. I am still married although we both acknowledge that neither is happy. H does not know about A and for a long time it seemed the A was dying its own death. BUT something has changed in the past few weeks. I decided that AP and I had gone as far as we were meant to go and althogh I wouldn't say I exactly started pulling away, I did get more laid back and less invested in every detail of his life...then, he began to change...he started calling more; he started texting more; he started asking more questions about my everyday life and sharing more about his. He started making a considerable amount more effort to make us a priority. He works on a very public position and yet I've actually heard people in the background and he still says "Love ya" before we end a call??? Its crazy... We have decided a few times to "end" the A but we never made NC longer than a few days.

 

As long as it has taken, I am finally making peace that M cannot survive; however, the pain of seeing H being so sad is as bad as the pain of the NC days of A. I hate the thoughts of being the cause of such pain to a person I loved dearly for years. H is truly a good man and I believe he loves me with all his heart, but everytime I try to put AP aside and concentrate on H, my thoughts drift back no matter what I try.

 

I did try IC but the advice here was every bit as sound as the advice from Counselor. Experience talks!

 

So, ideas about change of attitude in AP? Did he sense something changing and decide he had better step up his game? And how do I deal mentally and emotionally with literally screwing up an otherwise storybook M? The few people who know there are marital issues have all said they would expect it from lots of couples but not us?

 

I am very scared of the A fog and the "grass ain't greener" syndrome. Will I not regret either way? AP does mention leaving wife and talks in terms of long range plans but what kind of fool would I be to put stock in that?

[Whisper Quiet]

 

So, ideas about change of attitude in AP? Did he sense something changing and decide he had better step up his game? And how do I deal mentally and emotionally with literally screwing up an otherwise storybook M? The few people who know there are marital issues have all said they would expect it from lots of couples but not us?

 

I am very scared of the A fog and the "grass ain't greener" syndrome. Will I not regret either way? AP does mention leaving wife and talks in terms of long range plans but what kind of fool would I be to put stock in that?

 

Most likely MM has sensed you are drifting and is, for now, putting forth more effort. If you were to give him lots of attention, he would probably slack off on his effort.

 

The talk of leaving the wife and making long range plans is just TALK. Not action.

 

My xMM actually used the phrase, "I have to step up my game to keep you" when he realized I had moved on from the A and was not going to wait forever. He did put forth more effort than I had ever seen from him. I was awestruck.

 

This is at the same time he was feverishly trying to win back his BS's affections since she had decided she was not happy in their M and did not want to remain M.

 

He was playing both women.

 

Have you done everything possible to focus on your M?

[msoptimistic]

Sounds eerily similar...and exactly what I figured. How were you able to find out what was going on at home? I only hear his side but I am quite sure her story is very opposite. I would love to know because in a way I think it would make it easier to see him in a negative way... we live a small distance apart but know very few of the same people and no mutual close friends...convenient for him...sucks for me!

[Whisper Quiet]

It was his own undoing.

 

xMM had been making huge efforts to keep me from walking. All the while telling me (more) stories about his horrible BS.

 

He was spending time with me at my home and was using my computer to catch up on some work. The laptop and xMM were in the living room and the wireless printer was in a spare bedroom/office.

 

All that "work" must have tuckered him out since he forgot to pick up the printed documents --work docs, newspaper articles, and emails.

 

Well........among the printouts was a rather interesting string of emails between xMM and his BS. Him professing him undying love for her and begging, wheedling, whining to to convince her. She wanted to remain separated and proceed to fining for D.

 

There it was. First-hand, clear cut, straight from xMM.

 

He still tried to spin it differently though and turned downright scary when I would not let him bull sh*t his way out of what was printed.

 

I Kicked his azz to the curb and did not stop to look back. He still fishes every few months to see if he can weasel his way back in. I'm done. No going back.