pixiecut Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Hello everyone, I have lurked here for quite some time, not sure which category to post in since my story is somewhat complicated not to mention I am reluctant to reveal specific details. In a nutshell after a year of being the OW, my MM officially separated from his wife at the end of last year. all asset splitting, custody agreement separate residences etc settled for quite a few months now, (divorce will be finalizing at the end of this year). during the D day he and I were not in contact (he was but I was making an honest attempt to move on and started dating someone else). however during last few months he made a real effort to demonstrate that he was serious about us and committed to make this work for real. Recently, I terminated the relationship with the person I had started to date during the NC with the MM and this is where the source of my anxiety lies. this person (previously having been a friend of mine) is not only aware of my past with the MM but is also in his friend circle. i kept the break up reasons to the minimum, as us not being compatible, which is true, but i am sure he has figured out that he basically got used as a rebound and now that the MM is free i want to give this a try again. quite a few of their friends, as well as my friends and a few of our mutual friends and both of our families have heard our whole story at some point of it all unfolding and surprisingly enough we havent encountered any judgement. our relationship is otherwise still in the closet so to say, going public pending for some time for the reasons that shortly before the D day i ended up moving away quite far and will not be moving back for quite some time for unrelated reasons. as serious as our future plans are (we have discussed marriage, children etc) I am getting increasingly worried about how things will play out once we do go public due to this messed up triangle situation not to mention that the ex wife is aware of my existence, of the past (not full extent) and some parts of the present. I hope for some impartial perspective from the members here, given that my story reads clear enough Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Hi pixie and welcome. I can really empathize with what you're going through. Can you give us a little bit more information? What is it exactly you worry about happening that could have a negative impact? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pixiecut Posted July 11, 2014 Author Share Posted July 11, 2014 i guess i am worried about the reaction of the friends who do not know the back story, as the history isnt exactly something we want to advertise. as what they see is me having dated one guy and then his friend and the public take on me dating an ex's buddy/him dating a buddy's ex may impact our relationship negatively. also my ex being aware of my history with the MM gives him the ammunition to threaten my reputation as well as the MM reputation. i do doubt he'd try to slander either of us, as he is a very good person who I am still hoping stay friends with once the smoke clears. one never knows what people are capable of doing once hurt/feel used. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Stop the talks with your MM about getting married and having children. You two need to date in a proper way and get to know one another outside the realm of an affair setting. Take it slowly and don't rush things. You don't have to live together and start a new life with him so quickly after his divorce is finalized either. It's healthy for people to have some time to grieve the loss of the previous life they once shared with their spouse. And, if they have children together, that's a huge adjustment for their kids, and for them as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pixiecut Posted July 11, 2014 Author Share Posted July 11, 2014 (edited) Stop the talks with your MM about getting married and having children. You two need to date in a proper way and get to know one another outside the realm of an affair setting. Take it slowly and don't rush things. You don't have to live together and start a new life with him so quickly after his divorce is finalized either. It's healthy for people to have some time to grieve the loss of the previous life they once shared with their spouse. And, if they have children together, that's a huge adjustment for their kids, and for them as well. you're right, and yes, by the virtue of the practical circumstances we will have to do exactly that, take it slow and "start dating" whether we want it or not. They have a baby that just turned 1, 6 months after official separation. as far as the grieving, their marriage was already falling apart by the time we got involved. the only reason it didn't end around that time was because of unexpected pregnancy. regardless, your advice makes a lot of sense. Thank you for the input Edited July 11, 2014 by pixiecut Link to post Share on other sites
Sasha1/2 Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 (edited) Hi PixieCut I empathize with your situation. I am a MW with no dependents. My MM has young children and we are part of each others' circles as well. (We were connected professionally and socially before we met, but somewhat removed. We have deliberately joined circles so we may spend more time together and keep as many aspects of our relationship public as possible.) The world is becoming aware that we are very good friends. Some of MM's male friends are questioning him about the nature of our relationship. They know his marriage has been in bad shape for years, long before he and I connected. His W supports our friendship which is odd... unless she, too, is in an affair (which is suspected by him and by mutual friends). Their friends tell me that they'd like to see them work on making their marriage better or end it and not be in limbo as they are. I have considered flat out asking some of MM's friends for myself -- and even his W -- how comfortable they are with my friendship with him. I would hate for him to damage long-term friendships over his friendship with me. Its possible that a friendship with me isn't even possible should we decide to end the affair and be "just friends". I realize he meets my needs for meaningful conversation, and affection/admiration/support that many will believe crosses the line in an opposite sex relationship even if there is no touching involved. I have also considered -- have you? -- the possibility of NC until long after the day he and I are both single in the hopes of minimizing hurt feelings all around. The risk, of course, is ending up with nothing. Edited July 16, 2014 by Sasha1/2 Link to post Share on other sites
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